Written by: Larry David Directed by: Andy Akerman Broadcasted: May 14, 1998 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and just about every character ever featured on Seinfeld.

[Setting: Nightclub]

JERRY: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down: "I would really like to sit down with you," "I think we need to sit down and talk," "Why don’t you come in, and we’ll sit down?" Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn’t work. People get mad at the sitting. You know, we’ve been sitting here for - I don’t know how long. "How much longer are we just going to sit here?" "I’ll tell you what I think we should do.. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we’re not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work."

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Coffee Shop]

GEORGE: (Annoyed) I can’t eat this without ketchup. (Looking at waitress) Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How’s everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"

JERRY: I know what you mean.

GEORGE: Do ya?

JERRY: It’s like going out with someone and then you never hear from them again.

GEORGE: Same thing!

JERRY: Not really, but it’s something. (Pause) Ask the people behind you.

GEORGE: (Turns around in his booth) Excuse me. Are you using your ketchup?

WOMAN: (To the man she's sitting with) What do you think? You want to give him the ketchup?

MAN: It’s up to you.

WOMAN: (To George) You know what? I don’t think so. I’m going to need it from time to time.

GEORGE: (Turning back in his seat) Huh-ho!

JERRY: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?

GEORGE: Nah — what for?

JERRY: To see a movie.

GEORGE: I’ve been to the movies.

JERRY: Not this movie.

GEORGE: They’re all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch.. I’m sick of it.

JERRY: Did you shower today?

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: That’s usually the kind of mood I’m in when I haven’t showered.

GEORGE: When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!

JERRY: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.

GEORGE: Ah! Health’s not good enough. I want more than health! Health’s not doing it for me anymore! I’m sick of health!

WOMAN: Alright, we’re done. You can have it now. (She hands the bottle to George)

GEORGE: Oh, very gracious. (Pats the bottle, Nothing comes out. The bottles empty. George gets upset)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: NYC Street]

(Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk)

MAN: Nice day

GEORGE: Yeah.

JERRY: What is that? (Looks after the man, like he just commited a crime. Kramer and Elaine drive up)

KRAMER: Hey! JoJo! (Elaine goes tumbling when Kramer stops)

JERRY: Hey, hey!

ELAINE: Alright, thanks for the ride, Kramer. (Gets out)

KRAMER: No, thank you. (To Jerry) So what are you doing?

JERRY: Nothing.

KRAMER: Come on, let’s go to the beach.

GEORGE: What are you crazy?

KRAMER: What? It’s a beautiful day.

JERRY: Have a good time.

KRAMER: Yeah, there’s something in the air today. Do you feel it? There’s something in the air.

JERRY: You know you’re turning into Burt Lancaster? (Elaine laughs)

KRAMER: Yeah, there’s something in the air.

(Kramer drives off)

ELAINE: Oh, I forgot to call Jill. (Pulls a cell phone out, dials a number) Jill. Hi, it’s Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay?.. What?.. I can’t hear you so good - there’s a lot of static. Wha? I’m going to call you back..

JERRY: Jill’s father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?

ELAINE: What, no good?

JERRY: Faux pas.

ELAINE: Faux pas?

GEORGE: Big hefty stinking faux pas.

ELAINE: Why?

JERRY: You can’t make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It’s like saying "I don’t want to take up any of my important time in my home so I’ll just get it out of the way on the street."

GEORGE: On the street cell phone call is the lowest phone call you can make!

JERRY: It’s an act of total disregard. It’s selfish.

GEORGE: It’s dismissive.

JERRY: It’s pompous.

GEORGE: Why don’t you think before you do something?

ELAINE: Here’s a thought - (rudely) Bye bye.

(Elaine storms off)

GEORGE: Too much?

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: Boy - I’m really surprised at Elaine. That whole phone business — she should know better than that.

(George starts to go to the bathroom, leaving the door open - so that he's in clear sight)

JERRY: Hey, hey, hey!

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend..

GEORGE: You’re so uptight!

JERRY: Yeah, uptight? Let’s all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody! Grab a bucket! We’re going up to Jerry’s. It’s a pee party!

(George retreats to the bathroom, this time, he closes the door. Jerry listens to his answering machine)

RECORDED MESSAGE: Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough’s office at NBC. Could you please give us a call? Thanks. (Answering machine beeps)

(Jerry picks up the phone, and dials NBC's number)

JERRY: Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi! (Pause) Uh-huh. Really?! (George exits from the bathroom) Uh, no problem, definitely. Ok, buh-bye. (Hangs up. To George) That was James Kimbrough.

GEORGE: Who’s he?

JERRY: He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."

GEORGE: Our show, "Jerry"?

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: "Jerry"? Oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?!

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: When?

JERRY: Today - like right now.

GEORGE: Right now? "Jerry"?

JERRY: "Jerry"!

GEORGE: He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

JERRY: He wants to talk about "Jerry"!

GEORGE: "Jerry"!

JERRY: "Jerry"!

GEORGE: Can I go like this?

JERRY: Sure!

GEORGE: No sports jacket? I don’t need a sports jacket?! Writers wear sports jackets!

JERRY: Forget the sports jacket. (Grabing his own coat, he heads for the door)

GEORGE: I won’t feel like a writer!

JERRY: You’re not a writer!

GEORGE: Right! (They leave)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Waiting room at NBC]

GEORGE: (Loudly, hoping someone will hear) Water.. Need some water!.. Water here!

JERRY: Ok, now listen, I don’t want any scenes in here like the last time.

GEORGE: Don’t worry, don’t worry, no scenes.

JERRY: Don’t blow this.

GEORGE: I will not blow this.

JERRY: If he says he doesn’t want it to be a show about nothing, don’t go nuts.

GEORGE: It’s fine, it doesn’t have to be about nothing.

JERRY: He might not want nothing.

GEORGE: Something, nothing, I could care less.

JERRY: He might want a show about anything and everything.

GEORGE: Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares?! Put me down! I’m down!

JERRY: All right.

(A receptionist enters)

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you. (Leads the way into Mr. Kimbrough's office)

GEORGE: (To Himself)Magic time.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: No, nothing..

(Cut to Mr. Kimbrough’s office)

RECEPTIONIST: (Getting his attention)Mr. Kimbrough..

STU: (Sees Jerry and George) Hey, Jerry, good to see you. (Shakes Jerry's hand)

GEORGE: (Entering) Hey, hey, hey!

STU: How you been?

JERRY: Good, good.. You remember George.

STU: George, good to see you! (Shakes his hand)

GEORGE: Hello Stu.

STU: You remember Jay Crespi. (George shakes Crespi's hand)

GEORGE: Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi? (Laughs, then jokingly fake boxes him)

STU: This is James Kimbrough.

KIMBROUGH: Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.

GEORGE: Kimbrough.

JERRY: (Muttering to George) Don’t spell.

GEORGE: K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H

KIMBROUGH: That’s right.

GEORGE: (Gloating) It’s a talent I have.

KIMBROUGH: Why don’t we sit down, glad you’re here.

GEORGE: Woo! Some day out there, huh? You ever see weather like that?! Woo! It’s crisp! It’s crispy crisp!

JERRY: (Mutters) Shut up, George.

KIMBROUGH: Can I get you anything?

GEORGE: What do we have in the fruit department? (Jerry groans)

STU : Pineapple..

GEORGE: Oh, that’s a dangerous fruit. It’s like a weapon that thing. Got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things. (All except Jerry laugh)

KIMBROUGH: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development, and it was pretty much same old, same old.

GEORGE: (Annoyingly adding) Been there, done that.

KIMBROUGH: Right! I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.

GEORGE: Water coolers?

CRESPI: We call it a water-cooler show.

JERRY: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right? (They nod their heads)

GEORGE: Huh. See, I think people would talk about it at the, uh, coffee machines..

JERRY: Well it’s probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."

GEORGE: Well, it’s really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.

JERRY: (Stern, sending the message for George to shut up) But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.

KIMBROUGH: Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago..

STU: (Obviously sucking up to the new boss) I have always loved it.

KIMBROUGH: He said it was a show about nothing. So - I saw the pilot and I’ve got to tell you, I flipped out.

CRESPI: (Annoyingly adding) He totally flipped out.

KIMBROUGH: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy!

JERRY: He’s a little off the wall. (They all laugh at the mentioning of Kramer)

CRESPI: Oh yeah!

STU: Kramer! (Still laughing)

KIMBROUGH: And Elaine — I wouldn’t mind seeing something happening between you two..

JERRY: Definitely.

GEORGE: (Rudely butting in) I tell you, I really don’t think so-called, relationship humor is what this show is all about..

KIMBROUGH: (Stern)Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that?

GEORGE: Or we could get them together. Woo! (They all laugh)

(Cut to the end of the meeting. Jerry and George are exiting Mr. Kimbrough's office)

GEORGE: (Whispering) Yeah!

JERRY: (Whispering)Yeah!

(They both go to hug eachother, but stop mid-hug. They collect their excitement, and leave)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Elaine's apartment]

ELAINE: (On the phone) Jill, hi. It's Elaine.. Yeah. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. We-well, I was just calling to see how your fath- Um, I'm sorry. I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?

JERRY: (On the other line) Hi, Elaine! It's me!

ELAINE: Jerry, I'm on the other line.

JERRY: No, no! This is an emergency! Get off the phone!

ELAINE: (Back to Jill) Uh, I'm sorry, Jill. I'm gonna have to take this call. (Hangs up on Jill) Jerry, what's the emergency?

JERRY: "Jerry's" back on! The TV show! George and I are moving to California!

ELAINE: That's the emergency?

JERRY: Didn't you hear what I said?!

ELAINE: I was on the other line talking to Jill.

JERRY: Jill? Why didn't you say so?

ELAINE: You said it was an emergency!

JERRY: So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: The Seinfeld's condo]

HELEN: (On the phone with Jerry) Congratulations! They're doing the show!

MORTY: They should have put that show on 5 years ago! A bunch of idiots at that network.. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena: The Warrior Princess. She must be about 6'6".

HELEN: She's not 6'6".

MORTY: Jerry, you ever watch that?

JERRY: Yeah. It's pretty good.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: The Costanza's house]

ESTELLE: They picked up the show?

GEORGE: I'm moving to California!

FRANK: Oh, baby doll! This kid's going places! I told ya.

ESTELLE The NBC guy liked it?

GEORGE: Of course he liked it.

ESTELLE He told you he liked it?

GEORGE: He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.

ESTELLE Well, what are you doing?

GEORGE: I'm writing.

ESTELLE You know how to write?

FRANK: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.

ESTELLE Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.

GEORGE: Ma!

ESTELLE I don't know how you're gonna write all those shows. And where are you going to get all the ideas?

FRANK: Would you leave him alone?! You'll shatter his confidence!

GEORGE: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.

ESTELLE Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth. The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (Into the phone) NBC's letting me use their private jet?! And I can go anywhere I want?! Th-that is fantastic! Thank-yeah! Great! Ok. Bye. (Hangs up)

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Oh, hey.

JERRY: Hey. How was the beach?

KRAMER: Oh. You missed it, buddy. A lot of femininas. (Smiles) Some major femininas.

JERRY: Had a little meeting today at NBC.

(Kramer starts hopping on one foot and hitting the side of his head)

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Well, you know, I went swimming. I can't get this water out of my ear.

JERRY: So do you remember 5 years ago we did that pilot, "Jerry?" Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it! They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment! (Kramer hops over to the kitchen as Jerry is talking to him. He slips in the kitchen and falls) George and I are moving to California!

(Kramer gets up)

KRAMER: You're moving to California?

JERRY: Yeah, but only for a while.

KRAMER: Yeah, but, Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back.

JERRY: No. I'll be back.

KRAMER: Jerry, it's LA. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress. She's a siren. She's a virgin. She's a whooooore.

JERRY: And my agent said - as a bonus, I can use their private jet! So we'll all go somewhere! The four of us! One big fling before George and I go to California!

KRAMER: A fling!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Monk's restaurant]

ELAINE: So we can go anywhere we want?

JERRY: Anywhere.

ELAINE: Why are they doing this?

JERRY: I think they want to make it up to us 'cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for 5 years.

ELAINE: This is all very exciting!

GEORGE: So, where are we going?

KRAMER: Uh, well, I say Japan.

ELAINE: Why Japan?

KRAMER: Oh, geishas. Boy, they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs from the fine art of fishing...or baking.

ELAINE: Oh! I got it. How about Russia?

JERRY: Oh, Russia.. It's so bleak.

ELAINE: It's not bleak. It's springtime.

JERRY: It's still bleak.

ELAINE: You can't be bleak in spring.

JERRY: You can be bleak in spring.

GEORGE: If you're bleak, you're bleak.

ELAINE: What about.. Switzerland?

KRAMER: Oh, Switzerland. The Von Trapp family, Huh? (Starts singing a sweedish song)

GEORGE: It's a bit hilly. Well..

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) You're not gonna do any walking. Ha ha!

GEORGE: What if I want to walk around a little?

ELAINE: Well, so then you'll walk down the hill, and we'll pick you up.

GEORGE: What if I'm at the bottom?

ELAINE: All right, you know what?! Just forget it!

JERRY: All right! Come on! Come on now, people! Let's face it. We're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we just all.. go to Paris?

ELAINE: I'll go to Paris.

GEORGE: Me, too.

KRAMER: Ooh, yeah. Oui, oui. (Speaks some French gibberish)

JERRY: So that's it. It's settled. We're going to Paris! (Sticks his hand out, George puts his on top, then Kramer, and finally Elaine)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine walks in. Jerry is packing his bag)

ELAINE: Hey. NBC limo is downstairs. (Sings the 3-note NBC jingle)

ELAINE: I'm just gonna call Jill one more time before we go.

JERRY: Elaine, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.

ELAINE: Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?

JERRY: First you make a cell phone walk-and-talk. Then she loses a call waiting face-off. Now you're talking about a plane call?!

ELAINE: All right. I'll just have to call her from Paris. (Walks to the bathroom. There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens the door. It's Newman)

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hello, Newman. (Knows something's up) What gives?

NEWMAN: I was speaking earlier with Kramer, and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?

JERRY: Yeah, that's right.

NEWMAN: Well, uh, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course, you know I'm 1/4 French.

JERRY: Really?

NEWMAN: Oh, yes. In-in fact, I-I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly.

JERRY: Oh.

NEWMAN: She has lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her.. bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But, alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.

JERRY: That's a shame. (Newman falls to his knees and hugs Jerry's legs)

NEWMAN: Take me! Take me, Jerry!

JERRY: Oh, forget it! Pull yourself together! You're making me sick! Be a man!

NEWMAN: (Gets up) All right! But hear me, and hear me well! The day will come, Oh, yes! Mark my words, Seinfeld! Your day of reckoning is coming when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down! (Laughs maniacally as he walks out of the apartment)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Airport]

(The private jet sits waiting, a black limo drives up. Jerry and Elaine get out. They are greeted by two pilots)

MADDOX: Uh, Jerry?

JERRY: Yeah.

MADDOX: I'm Captain Maddox. This is my copilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?

JERRY: All set! We'll just grab the bags.

MADDOX: Oh, don't worry about that. We'll take care of it for you.

JERRY: (Excited about the trip) Just keeps on getting better and better. (High fives Elaine) Whoo!

ELAINE: Aah!

(Scene cuts to the gang inside the jet)

JERRY: Huh? Not bad!

ELAINE: Wow!

KRAMER: The only way to fly.

GEORGE: (Disappointed) This is it?

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Inside the jet]

(The plane has already taken off. George sits in his chair facing Elaine and Jerry behind him. He rests his chin on his hands)

GEORGE: I'm sorry. I have to say I'm a little disappointed. I thought it would be a lot nicer.

JERRY: You're complaining about a private jet?

GEORGE: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?

JERRY: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore!

GEORGE: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.

ELAINE: Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.

GEORGE: This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter to Mr. Kimbrough.

JERRY: You're not writing any letters!

ELAINE: Will you turn around?

GEORGE: Why?

ELAINE: You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.

GEORGE: It's effeminate to sit like this?

ELAINE: Yes. I think it's a little effeminate.

GEORGE: (Outraged) How is this effeminate?!

ELAINE: I don't know. It - just - is.

(George turns around. Kramer gets up and starts hopping up and down banging his head with his hand again)

GEORGE: Are you crazy? What are you doing?

JERRY: You still got water in your ear?

KRAMER: I can get rid of it. It may be a leak inside my brain!

GEORGE: Kramer, would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.

KRAMER: I gotta get it out! I can't take this anymore!

GEORGE: Kramer, don't be fooling around up here!

(Kramer falls into the cockpit)

GEORGE: Kramer!

PILOT: Hey, get the hell outta here!

(The engines start to whine)

ELAINE: What is that?!

GEORGE: Oh, my God!

ELAINE: What is that noise? What is that noise?

(Kramer sits back down)

GEORGE: Kramer, what the hell did you do?!

KRAMER: I lost my balance!

ELAINE: Oh, my God! What's going on?!

(The plane tilts and goes into a nose dive)

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: It was an accident!

GEORGE: I told you to stop with the hopping!

ELAINE: Oh, my god! We're going down! We're gonna die!

GEORGE: Aah! Just when I was doing great! I told you God wouldn't let me be successful!

JERRY: Is this it?! Is this how it ends?! It can't! It can't end like this!

KRAMER: Ooh! I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!

GEORGE: Jerry! Jerry, can you hear me?!

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: There's something I have to tell you!

JERRY: What?! What is it?!

GEORGE: I cheated in the contest!

JERRY: What?!

GEORGE: The contest! I cheated!

JERRY: Why?!

GEORGE: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell ya!

JERRY: Great! I won!

ELAINE: Jerry.. I gotta tell ya something, too!

JERRY: Well.. Elaine, I got something I want to say to you!

ELAINE: No, no. Me first.

JERRY: All right!

ELAINE: I've always loved-

(The alarm stops) GEORGE: Hey...what's going on?

KRAMER: We're straightening out.

ELAINE: We're straightening out?

JERRY: We're straightening out!

GEORGE: We're straightening out!

KRAMER: Yaaah! Ha ha ha ha!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Airport]

(The foursome and the pilots exit the jet)

MADDOX: Well, again, sorry about that little mishap, but once we get everything checked out, shouldn't be any more problems.

JERRY: Where are we?

MADDOX: Latham, Massachusetts. Hey, why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number. I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.

JERRY: Ok. We'll see ya later.

(Scene cuts to a city sidewalk scene. Eveyone is getting out of a cab. Kramer has a camcorder)

ELAINE: Well, what are we gonna do about Paris? I mean are we actually gonna get back on this plane?

JERRY: I say we go back to New York and take a regular flight.

GEORGE: I'm not gettin' on a regular plane now! I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet! No way I'm gettin' on a regular plane!

ELAINE: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.

GEORGE: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now, you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened, and tell him to get another plane down here. But this time, the good one! The Ted Danson plane!

JERRY: All right. I'll tell him out. (Elaine gives Jerry her cell phone)

GEORGE: Yeah. Just tell him to hurry it up!

(A man walks by the group)

MAN: Nice day.

JERRY: Another one?

(Across the street is a red car. A robber opens the door and forces a fat man to step out)

ROBBER: All right, fatso! Out of the car!

KRAMER: (Recording it all) I'm gonna capture this.

ROBBER: Come on!

FAT MAN: Give me a minute! Don't shoot!

ROBBER: Give me your wallet!

JERRY : (Laughs) Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

(The whole gang is now watching the fat man getting robbed)

ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya.

GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.

ROBBER: I want your wallet! Come on. Come on! Come on!

JERRY: Well, that's a shame.. All right I'm gonna call NBC.

FAT MAN: Officer! He's stealing my car!

(A police officer runs over to the fat man)

FAT MAN: Officer, I was carjacked! I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet! Everything!

JERRY: (Into the phone) Ok. Thanks, anyway. (Hangs up) They can't get another plane.

KRAMER: All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.

ELAINE: Oh, no. Forget it.

JERRY: Oh, no, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on. Let's get something to eat here in Sticksville.

(They start to walk off, but the police officer stops them)

POLICE OFFICER: All right. Hold it right there.

KRAMER: What?

POLICE OFFICER: You're under arrest.

JERRY: Under arrest? What for?

POLICE OFFICER: Article 223-7 of the Latham county penal code.

ELAINE: What? No, no. We didn't do anything.

POLICE OFFICER: That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable to do so.

GEORGE: I never heard of that.

POLICE OFFICER: It's new. It's called The Good Samaritan Law. Let's go.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Police station]

(The police officer sits at his desk while Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer sit in small cell)

ELAINE: The Good Samaritan Law?!

GEORGE: Are they crazy? Why would we want to help somebody?

ELAINE: I know!

GEORGE: That's what nuns and red cross workers are for!

KRAMER: No. The Samaritans were an ancient tribe. Very helpful to people.

ELAINE: All right. (To the cop) Uh...um, excuse me. Hi. Could ya tell me what kind of law this is?

POLICE OFFICER: Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed, and all those photographers were just standing around.

JERRY: Oh, yeah.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah.

POLICE OFFICER: You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.

ELAINE: Ha ha.

GEORGE: All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's pay the fine or something and get the hell outta here.

POLICE OFFICER: Well, it's not that easy. See, now, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as 5 years in prison.

ELAINE: What?!

GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no. W-we have to be in California next week! We-we're starting a TV show!

POLICE OFFICER: California? Oh, gosh. I don't think so. My guess is, you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.

(Scene cuts to Jackie Chiles' office. He picks a piece of Swiss cheese off his sandwich)

JACKIE: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.. You people with the cheese. It never ends. (The phone buzzes, Jackie picks it up) Hello. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, intolerable. Hold on. (To his receptionist) Susie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison and, uh, pack a bag for me. I wanna get to Latham, Massachusetts right away.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: District Attorney's office]

(A Latham Ledger newspaper reads: "Jackie Chiles Set To Defend N.Y. Four in Samaritan Trial" The D.A. sits behind his desk while two of his assistants stand around)

ASSISTANT: So they got Jackie Chiles, huh?

D.A.: Mm-hmm. And you know what that means. This whole place is gonna be swarming with media. By the time this thing is over, you're not gonna be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching this. Now, we gotta do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. And our big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people, and I mean...everything.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Police station]

(The foursome sit in their jail cell eating)

KRAMER: Mmm. This is pretty good chow, huh?

GEORGE: (Talking about the cop) Would it kill him to check up on us? No. Drops off the meals, and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to ketchup!

ELAINE: I guess we could have called for help.

JERRY: But then we would have missed the whole thing.

KRAMER: No. I still had it on video. We could have watched it later.

GEORGE: Yeah, he's right.

JERRY: I forgot about the video. ELAINE: Yeah, sure. Video. Jerry's pager beeps.

ELAINE: What is that?

JERRY: (Checks his beeper) Plane's ready.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Geraldo Rivera Live TV show]

GERALDO: Hi, everybody. I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes and around the water coolers in your offices. I'm speaking, of course, of the controversial Good Samaritan Trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now, before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Welles is standing by.

(Scene cuts to Jane)

JANE: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo.

GERALDO: What's the mood? What's going on tonight?

JANE: Well, Latham is fairly quiet tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.

GERALDO: And what about the defendants, the so-called New York Four? How are they holding up?

JANE: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who has some contact with them, and he told me, quote, "There's no love lost with that group."

GERALDO: Anything else, Jane?

JANE: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly.

GERALDO: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who knows? Maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: The Seinfeld's condo]

HELEN: I hope you packed enough. (Opens a huge trunk filled with boxes of cereal. She puts in another box) This trial could last for weeks.

MORTY: What's all that?

HELEN: Cereal.

MORTY: You're packing cereal?

HELEN: I'm bringing it for Jerry.

MORTY: You got enough here for a life sentence.

HELEN: He likes it. He says he misses that more than anything.

MORTY: So bring a snack pack.

(Scene cuts to the Costanza's house)

ESTELLE: Poor Georgie. Was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.

FRANK: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault, I can tell you that!

ESTELLE: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours.

FRANK: You were the one who smothered him!

ESTELLE: I did not smother him!

FRANK: You smothered! He couldn't get any air. He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!

ESTELLE: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious tchotchkes!

FRANK: I had to make a living!

(Scene cuts to Newman's apartment)

(Newman laughs as he leaves his apartment with a suitcase)

(Scene ends)
(A Montage starts: Uncle Leo exits his apartment with luggage. Mr. Peterman leaves his office with bags. Puddy leaves his building bag in hand. Mickey exits the building next to Puddy's. Bania leaves his building with a suitcase. The Rosses walk down the steps of their building. The Rabbi that lives in Elaine's building exits. Keith Hernandez flags a cab. Mr. Steinbrenner runs out of his office)

(Montage ends)
[Setting: Court house back room]

("New York Four" sit around a table eating cereal)

KRAMER: This is excellent. Mmm. Don't worry. I didn't use too much milk 'cause I know we got to make it last.

JERRY: You know, I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life, I've always filled to at least 3/4, sometimes to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.

KRAMER: I bet.

JERRY: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

(Jackie enters the room with Susie)

JACKIE: Good morning.

KRAMER: Hey.

ELAINE: Good morning, Jackie.

JACKIE: Is everybody ready? (Sees George) Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?

GEORGE: It makes me look older.

JACKIE: Look older? You think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you a moral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's gonna see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want 'em to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's gettin' robbed. (Jerry starts laughing) You think it's funny?

JERRY: No.

JACKIE: You damn right, it isn't. You better not be carryin' on and laughin' in that courtroom, funny man, because if you start gettin' all smart-alecky, makin' wisecracks, actin' a fool, you're gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Susie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.

ELAINE: How do I look, Jackie?

JACKIE: Oh, you're lookin' good. You look strong. You're one fine-lookin', sexy lady.

ELAINE: Thank you, Jackie.

KRAMER: How about me, Jackie?

JACKIE: Kramer, you always look good. You got a respect for yourself. You're genuine. The jury's gonna pick up on that.

JACKIE: Here. (Hands Jerry a tie)

JERRY: This one?

JACKIE: That's right.

JERRY: Do I have to?

ELAINE: Jackie says put it on, Jerry!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Court room]

(The room is filled with people. The foursome and Jackie sit at at the defense table)

BALIFF: All rise. Forrest district county court Latham, Massachusetts, is now in session. The honorable judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.

(The judge comes out from his chambers and everyone sits down)

GEORGE: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay!

JACKIE: Vande who?

GEORGE: Jerry, did you hear that?

JERRY: Yeah. Yeah.

GEORGE: I think that's a good sign.

JUDGE: Is the district attorney ready to proceed?

D.A.: We are, your honor.

JUDGE: Mr. Hoyt.

D.A.: (Stands up, and addresses the Jury) Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our city council, by a vote of 12 to 2, passed a good Samaritan law. Now, essentially we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now, this group from New York not only ignored, but as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen: This is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived, and betrayed. But this time, they have gone too far. This time.. they are going to be held accountable. This time.. they are the ones.. who will pay.

(Newman, sitting in the court room, eats some popcorn)

JUDGE: Mr. Chiles?

JACKIE: (Gets up, and dramatically makes his opening statement) I am shocked and chagrined. Mortified and stupefied! This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayer's time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing. Lyin' and laughin'. Laughin'.. and lyin'. Do you know what these four people were? There were innocent.. bystanders. Now you just think about that term. Innocent.. bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders. nobody's disputin' that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing! Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No. Because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are, by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no! They want to change nature here. They wanna create a whole new animal- the guilty bystander. Don't you let 'em do it. Only you.. can stop them. Thank you.(Sits back down)

JUDGE: Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?

D.A.: We are, your honor. Call officer Matt Vogel to the stand.

BAILIFF: Call Matt Vogel.

(The police officer enters the courtroom and sits at the stand)

(Scene cuts to a couple minutes later)

D.A.: So they were just standing there?

VOGEL: Yes.

D.A.: Did one of them have a video camera?

VOGEL: Yes.

D.A.: Your honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as exhibit "A"

JUDGE: Proceed.

(The video Kramer shot starts to play and everyone watches)