[Setting: Nightclub]

JERRY: I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, 'cause I'm night guy. Night guy wants to stay up late. What about getting up after five hours of sleep? Oh, that's morning guy's problem. That's not my problem. I'm night guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, the alarm, you're exhausted, groggy. Oh, you hate that night guy! See, night guy always screws morning guy. There's nothing morning guy could do. The only thing morning guy could do is try and oversleep often enough that day guy loses his job, and night guy has no money to go out, anymore.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and Elaine are looking out the window.)

ELAINE: Do you ever spit on anybody from here?

JERRY: No. You?

ELAINE: No. You ever think about it?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Me, too.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey!

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Well, I got it!

JERRY: You got me the air conditioner?

KRAMER: What do you think?

JERRY: Beautiful!

ELAINE: What air conditioner?

KRAMER: Well my Buddy, he works in an appliance store, and he got us thirty per cent off.

JERRY: Is it a good one?

KRAMER: Good one? It's a Commando 8!

JERRY: Commando 8?

KRAMER: 12,000 BTU's.

ELAINE: (To Jerry) I thought you hated air conditioning. You never had an air conditioner.

KRAMER: Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.

ELAINE: (Mocking) Ohhh! You're getting an air conditioner for Amy. Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a liddle ho-ot.

JERRY: All right.

KRAMER: Okay, so...I'm going to measure the window up, okay, Buddy?

JERRY: Yeah.

(George walks in with a pair of goggles on.)

KRAMER: Yeah. (Sees George) Yeah, rock on!

(Kramer exits.)

GEORGE: I gotta get out of this city.

JERRY: So you're tunneling to the center of the earth?

GEORGE: I'm at the health club, and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?!

ELAINE: You don't have an old pair?

GEORGE: I broke them playing basketball.

JERRY: He was running from a bee.

(Elaine laughs.)

GEORGE: Now if I want to see anything, I gotta wear these.

ELAINE: George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?

JERRY: There's a lot of change down there.

GEORGE: When I find that guy, this much I vow, those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.

JERRY: We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!

(Kramer returns.)

GEORGE: What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?

ELAINE: Yeah, especially those frames.

KRAMER: You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend, Dwayne, at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty per cent off.

GEORGE: Yeah, come on.

JERRY: Hey, he just got me thirty per cent off on an air conditioner.

GEORGE: Really?

KRAMER: Retail is for suckers.

GEORGE: Wow. Uh, what do I gotta do?

KRAMER: You just gotta mention my name.

GEORGE: That's it?

KRAMER: That's it.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: J&T Optical]

(George is trying on various frames.)

GEORGE: What about these?

ELAINE: They look good. I liked the other one, too. I've liked about five of them.

GEORGE: Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.

JERRY: (Bored) Come on, George, pick a face and go with it.

ELAINE: Now those look good. They're very bold.

GEORGE: Yes, they are bold...Jerry, what do you think.

JERRY: (Motioning toward some pictures in the store) I think these women would be pretty good-looking if they weren't wearing glasses.

(A man with a rottweiler enters the store.)

ELAINE: Oh, hi there, little doggy. (To the man) Do you mind if I pet your dog?

MAN: It's okay with me.

(The dog barks and then bites Elaine as she recoils, winces.)

DWAYNE: Hey, you can't have that dog in here.

(The man leaves with his dog.)

JERRY: (To Elaine) Are you okay? Did he bite you?

GEORGE: Can you believe that guy?

ELAINE: (On the floor, tending to her wound) I'm okay, it's just a nip.

GEORGE: He just walked away!...And once again, I'm standing here like a little man...Well, not this time. (Walks out with a pair of frames on and stands near the entrance) You! Dog man! (Takes off the frames and squints. He covers his mouth in shock at what he sees, then walks back into the store.)

ELAINE: My leg looks pretty bad.

JERRY: I'm going to take you over to the emergency room.

ELAINE: Okay.

JERRY: (To George) Hey, any luck? Did you catch him?

GEORGE: Uh...no. No.

JERRY: All right, I'm going to take Elaine over to the hospital.

GEORGE: Good, good. Do that.

JERRY: What's the matter?

GEORGE: (Forces a chuckle) Oh, oh, nothing.

JERRY: What is it?

GEORGE: I can't tell you.

ELAINE: (Pleading) Jerry, can we go?

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, in a second. In a second. (To George) What do you mean you can't tell me?

GEORGE: I can't tell you, don't ask.

JERRY: I'm asking.

ELAINE: Jerry, my leg...

JERRY: (To Elaine) Yeah, yeah. We'll take care of it. (To George) Come on, George, what is it?

GEORGE: I saw Amy making out with your cousin, Jeffrey.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: They were right outside!

JERRY: Amy and Jeffrey?

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: Are you sure?

GEORGE: Yes, positive!

JERRY: But you can't see; there's no lenses in those frames!

GEORGE: I know! I was squinting.

(Elaine gets up and begins to hobble out.)

ELAINE: (Spiteful) Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me, okay? You can just follow the trail of blood. JERRY: (To George) We're going to have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry) Thank you. Taxi!

(They leave as George tries on a new pair of frames.)

GEORGE: (To Dwayne) Excuse me, what-what do you think of these?

DWAYNE: Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting, new frame.

GEORGE: Yes, it is exciting...Alright, this is going to be my new face.

DWAYNE: All right, do you have a prescription?

(George hands Dwayne his prescription.)

GEORGE: Kramer.

DWAYNE: What?

GEORGE: Kramer.

DWAYNE: What about him?

GEORGE: You do know Kramer?

DWAYNE: Yes.

GEORGE: Well, I'm mentioning his name.

DWAYNE: Why?

GEORGE: Because...You know...

DWAYNE: No, I don't know. Look, I'm going to need a deposit on these.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Doctor's Office]

(A doctor is working on Elaine's leg.)

ELAINE: Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible.

JERRY: Why not? They coulda met. She loves the park, he works for the park's department...

ELAINE: Oh, come on. Jerry, that is so ridiculous. George didn't even have his glasses on.

JERRY: But, he was squinting.

ELAINE: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.

JERRY: Are you kidding? I've seen him squint. He can squint his way down to, like, 20-30 vision. Once, he was driving down from the Catskills, and he lost his glasses - he squinted his way from Wortsburrogh down to the Tapenzee Bridge. He was spotting raccoons on the road!

DOCTOR: Okay.

ELAINE: Okay? That's it? I-I don't need a shot?

DOCTOR: No shot. Dog bite.

ELAINE: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?

DOCTOR: Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.

(The doctor walks off, leaving a confused Elaine and Jerry.)

[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

JERRY: Ah, look at this. Cable's out.

AMY: Oh, that's okay. We don't have to watch T.V.

JERRY: No, no, no. No trouble at all. (Calling his cable company) It's the principle of the thing. I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not...getting away with anything. Ah, I'm on hold...So what'd you do, yesterday?

AMY: Yesterday?

JERRY: Yeah. You remember yesterday. Beautiful day...Good day to be...out.

AMY: I didn't do anything.

JERRY: (Chuckling in disbelief) Well, you musta done something.

AMY: Mm. No, nothing, really.

JERRY: Didn't go out of the house? Didn't go for a walk? On...Columbus Avenue?

AMY: Well, I did go out for a little while.

JERRY: Weeell, you're day's getting more interesting, already... (Re: Phone) Ah, see...they told me they'd be back in a minute and they lied.

AMY: You can't trust anyone.

JERRY: No, you can't. (Slams down phone) Now, let's cut the bull, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with someone yesterday on Columbus Avenue?!

AMY: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Look, my friend saw you.

AMY: Saw me? With who?

JERRY: You tell me.

AMY: There's nothing to tell.

JERRY: There isn't?

AMY: No.

JERRY: (Embarrassed) Oh...All right. Wanna get some pizza?

AMY: I had a feeling this was too good to be true.

JERRY: Why?

AMY: I knew there had to be another side to you.

JERRY: No, no. There's no side.

AMY: There is a side. An ugly side.

JERRY: No, no. No ugly side.

AMY: Look, I think I'm gonna go.

JERRY: Why?

AMY: It's really hot in here.

JERRY: Uh, so we can still go out on Friday, though?

AMY: Yeah...When are you getting an air conditioner?

JERRY: It's coming. It's a Commando 8! 12,000 BTU's. It's going to be like a meat locker in here.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry and George at the bar. George is still wearing his goggles, but they're on his forhead, not his eyes.)

JERRY: I was an idiot for listening to you!

GEORGE: Hey, I saw what I saw.

JERRY: Aw, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.

GEORGE: What side?

JERRY: A bad side. An ugly side.

GEORGE: Oh, so what.

JERRY: So what? I hadn't planned on showing that side for six months! Now you made me throw off the whole learning curve.

GEORGE: Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?

JERRY: Ah, he'd just deny it.

GEORGE: There must be some way to find out.

JERRY: Amy said nothing happened.

GEORGE: What, you're going to take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!

JERRY: Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!

GEORGE: I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wartsburrogh? I was spotting those raccoons!

JERRY: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell ya.

GEORGE: (Squints) Hey, look, a dime. (Walks to the other side of the room, picks it up) Heh, Mercury head. You mind?

JERRY: (Stymied) No, keep it...

(Elaine enters.)

JERRY: Hey, what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.

ELAINE: There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until it left.

JERRY: A little, white dog?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: Snowball? You're afraid of Snowball?

ELAINE: I'm afraid of dogs, now.

JERRY: He's like a squirrel.

ELAINE: Well, he frightened me.

GEORGE: Did you get the shot?

ELAINE: No. I thought I didn't need a shot.

GEORGE: You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot?

ELAINE: Why, you think I should?

GEORGE: Oh-ho.

JERRY: You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.

ELAINE: Alright, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: The A.C.'s on its way.

GEORGE: (To Kramer) Ahem. Pardon me, I went to see your friend, Dwayne. There was no discount.

KRAMER: What?

GEORGE: That's right, no discount.

KRAMER: Well, did you mention my name?

GEORGE: Yes, I mentioned your name.

KRAMER: And?

GEORGE: (Raspberry) Bupkis.

KRAMER: Now, I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! All right, look, I'm gonna go down there with you, right now. Come on.

GEORGE: All right, let me just, uh, I'm gonna grab an apple.

JERRY: (Jolly) Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball.

KRAMER: (Laughing) Little Snowball? He runs on batteries.

(George takes a big bite of an onion.)

ELAINE: You know, George, that's an onion.

GEORGE: (Trying to save face) Yes, it is.

ELAINE: (To Jerry) He couldn't tell an apple from an onion, and he's your eye witness?

GEORGE: I saw them making out, you can believe it!

JERRY: I don't know what to believe. You're eating onions, you're spotting dimes...I don't know what the hell is going on!

KRAMER: Look, all you gotta do is get Amy and Jeffrey together, somewhere. That's it.

JERRY: Hey, wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm going to surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me, and then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.

KRAMER: Ooh. Right this way, Mr. Doody.

GEORGE: (Whiping the tears from his eyes) You'll see I'm right.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: J&T Optical]

(Kramer, George and Elaine enter.)

KRAMER: Hey, Dwaynie.

DWAYNE: Oh, hello, Kramer.

KRAMER: What is going on, here.

DWAYNE: What are you talking about?

KRAMER: I'm talking about the thirty per cent discount.

ELAINE: Um, excuse me, a man came in here--

GEORGE: Elaine, Elaine. Don't interrupt. They're discounting something.

DWANYE: Who said anything about a discount?

KRAMER: Oh, how quickly we forget...You owe me, Buddy.

DWAYNE: For what?

(Kramer pulls out a candy bar and holds it in front of Dwayne.)

KRAMER: Remember this?

DWAYNE: (Defensive) Why are you doing this?

KRAMER: Six months ago you're eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butterfingers on the train! Sound familiar?!

DWAYNE: Put that away!

KRAMER: (Dramatic) You remember that night I found you in Dinky Donuts? You're all hopped up on cinnamon swirls, they wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffing cantaloupe down your throat! But so much for gratitude! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

DWIGHT: Alright, alright, alright! I'll give him the discount - just put that thing away! This squares us!

ELAINE: (Meek) Could I just--

DWIGHT: (Pointing to the exit) Out!

KRAMER: (On the way out) We'll see you, Dwayne.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine's looking through a book at the table. George puts on his new glasses for Jerry. They've got big, glittery frames.)

JERRY: I don't know what to tell you, Elton.

ELAINE: Uh-oh, listen to this. This is not good. Listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I've got those. I'm irritable.

JERRY: (To George) Who picked those out?

GEORGE: I did.

JERRY: They're ladies' glasses. I mean, all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear them while you're playing canasta.

GEORGE: Well, Elaine was suppose to help me out.

ELAINE: (Charging over to George, grabbing him by the collar) Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!

JERRY: Hey, hey!

ELAINE: (Catches herself) I'm sorry. Sorry.

(Kramer enters with the air conditioner.)

KRAMER: Commando 8 has arrived!

JERRY: I'll get the window.

KRAMER: (Moving toward Jerry's window) 12,000 BTU's of raw, cooling power, eh! Ha-ha! (Sets the air conditioner on the window sill) Yeah. Installed.

GEORGE: That's it? You don't have to screw it in, or anything?

KRAMER: No, just plug it in, and the Commando 8 does the rest. (To Jerry) I'll seal it up, later, alright?

JERRY: Yeah...Just in time for Amy.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, when are you going to execute that plan?

ELAINE: Oh, I have such a headache! Oh, that's another symptom!

KRAMER: Of what?

JERRY: Rabies.

KRAMER: Oh, that's fatal. You don't want that.

ELAINE: (Storming in on Kramer) I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid, hipster doofus!

JERRY: Hey, hey! What is this? What's going on here?

ELAINE: (Again, catching herself) I'm sorry, Kramer. I'm sorry.

KRAMER: No, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies, once. (Notices George eating out of a bag of pretzles) May I have one of those, Madam?

GEORGE: Madam? What are you calling me Madam for?

KRAMER: They're ladies' glasses. (Takes them off George's head) Look, here. See, it says right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.

GEORGE: He sold me ladies' glasses!

ELAINE: I...I think I'm...having trouble swallowing. I-I can't swallow!

(Elaine grabs a water bottle from the counter, chugs it.)

KRAMER: She's got rabies, just like my friend, Bob Sacamano. Look at that, she's delirious. (A foam starts to come out of Elaine's mouth) She's foaming at the mouth!

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Doctor's Office]

(The same doctor from before is about to give Elaine a shot.)

ELAINE: Is this going to hurt?

DOCTOR: Yes, very much.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]

(Elaine is standing before the air conditioner, cooling off.)

ELAINE: What if Jeffrey is not home? Did you ever think of that?

JERRY: Oh, he'll be home. It's Friday night. That's the big night on the nature channel.

ELAINE: Let me tell you, there is no way Cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse.

JERRY: He does look like a horse.

ELAINE: Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Looks out the window and gasps) Hey, look at this! It's the guy with the dog. (Leans out, yells) Hey! Hey, you, down there! Remember me? I had to get shots because of your stupid dog!

MAN: Hey, who you calling stupid?!

JERRY: Hey, should we spit on him?

ELAINE: (Going toward the door) No, no, no. Come on, let's go down.

(Kramer enters with a handful of fruit, singing.)

KRAMER: (Singing) Oh, my popaya. (When Kramer shuts the door, the air conditioner starts to move uneasily on the sill - it's apparent it's about to fall.) The air conditioner! (Drops everything and runs toward the Commando 8. He grabs the cord as the conditioner falls, but the cord snaps, and the machine falls. A dog's barking is heard right before a crash. To Jerry and Elaine) I think it got the dog!

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Health Spa]

(A blind man walks in to the locker room as george is toweling off. They're both in bathing suits.)

GEORGE: (Weary) Oh, boy.

BLIND MAN: Excuse me, I'm new here. Would you mind walking me back to my locker?

GEORGE: Oh. Sure. Why not. (The blind man holds onto George's arm. George is suddenly alert) Hey, that's the guy.

BLIND MAN: What guy?

GEORGE: The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got him! (George leads the man to the outside street) Could you pick it up a little?

BLIND MAN: Where the hell are we going?

GEORGE: Oh, he's getting on a bus. Damn...Those are nice glasses.

BLIND MAN: I don't like 'em. They pinch my nose.

GEORGE: Is that right?

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: J&T Optical]

(George is with the blind man. Dwayne is eating a candy bar.)

GEORGE: Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?

DWAYNE: Yeah, we could do that.

GEORGE: And I'd like a discount.

DWAYNE: And why should I give you a discount?

GEORGE: Listen, you're lucky I don't ask for a whole refund! (Leaning in) You gave me ladies' frames.

BLIND MAN: What's that about ladies' frames?

(The man with the dog enters. His rottweiler has a big cone around it's head.)

MAN: Hey, I'm trying to track down that lady who was in here the other day; the one that was messing with my dog.

GEORGE: Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down.

MAN: Well, I would love to talk with her. She lives on 81st street, right?

GEORGE: No, that's Jerry.

MAN: Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you?

GEORGE: Yeah, 5A.

MAN: Thanks, a lot.

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jeffrey's Apartment]

(Jerry and Amy are in the hallway, outside.)

AMY: So, what are we doing, here?

JERRY: Oh, you'll find out.

AMY: I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.

JERRY: Well, I'm very mysterious, by nature. (Knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive.

AMY: I find it annoying.

(Leo answers the door.)

LEO: Hello!

JERRY: Uncle Leo.

LEO: Come on in.

JERRY: Uh, this is Amy.

LEO: Hello, Amy.

JERRY: Uncle Leo, what are you doing here?

LEO: Jeffrey went out, tonight.

JERRY: Oh.

LEO: I'm suppose to tape this nature show for him. He loves nature. Botony. Zoology. You know his botony teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends?

JERRY: Really.

LEO: That's pretty rare. I mean actual friends! Like equals. They have dinner together, they have discussions, they have--

JERRY: Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here, for me?

LEO: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll get 'em.

JERRY: Thank you.

AMY: What tickets?

JERRY: To the Paul Simon concert in the park!

AMY: We're going to the Paul Simon concert?

JERRY: That's right, Lady.

AMY: Oh! What a great surprise!

JERRY: I thought you'd like that.

AMY: Ohh. So that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.

JERRY: Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.

LEO: (Returning) You know Jeffrey's favorite animal? The leopard.

AMY: Why is that?

LEO: He likes the spots...Oh, here are the tickets.

JERRY: Thank you.

LEO: Oh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that he's sorry and that he hopes you'll forgive him.

JERRY: (To Amy) Ah-ha! So it's true! You were making out with him.

AMY: What are you talking about? I don't know Jeffrey. Oh, so this is why you brought me up here.

JERRY: It was very convincing, but it's not going to work, this time.

LEO: What are you talking about? All he meant was that he's sorry that the seats aren't very good.

JERRY: Oh. Oh... (To Amy) Wanna get some pizza?

(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Outside J&T Opticals]

(George and the blind man exit the shop. George removes his glasses.)

GEORGE: Boy, these really do pinch the nose.

BLIND MAN: Tough luck. A deal's a deal.

GEORGE: (Startled) Oh my god, it is them.

(A blurred image of Amy with someone is shown. George quickly puts on his glasses to see it's only a police officer and her horse. Scene ends.)

[Setting: Health Spa Locker Room]

JERRY: I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. I suppose I have to pay the vet bill for that stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.

GEORGE: (Nervous) Yeah. Heh. (Messes with his glasses) Boy, these really do pinch.