Written by: Bruce Eric Kaplan Directed by: Andy Akerman Broadcasted: November 6, 1997 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Arabella Field (as Miranda), Jim Fowler (as himself), Brent Hinkley (as Lou), Wayne Knight (as Newman), John O' Hurley (as Peterman), and Julia Pennington (as Celia).

[Setting: NYC Alley]

(Jerry and Kramer are walking down an alley, they pass a dumpster)

JERRY: Why were you making gravel?

KRAMER: Well, I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.. (Sees various objects sticking out of the dumpster) This.. looks familiar.

JERRY: Of course. It's garbage.

KRAMER: No, no, no, no. (Points) These brown things.. the chairs.. (Smacks the dumpster) Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! They must be throwing it out.. (Climbs into the dumpster) This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian! (Starts digging around in the garbage)

JERRY: Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.

KRAMER: Look at this.. (uncovers a chair) Boy, one minute Elliot Gold is sitting on you, and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash!

JERRY: (Pleading) C'mon, Kramer, get out of there!

KRAMER: (Still digging through the trash) No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in.. Oh, Jerry, look! (Holds up a cigar he just found) Merv Griffin's cigar! (Jerry groans, then walks off)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: George's car]

(George and his girlfriend, Miranda, are driving to an unknown destination)

GEORGE: You know, I, uh, spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago. (Gloating) Can't smell anything, can ya?

MIRANDA: (Smiling) Banana?

GEORGE: (Shocked) Right.

MIRANDA: (Looking ahead) George, watch out for those pigeons.

GEORGE: (Shrugging it off) Oh, they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?

(Suddenly, feathers go flying all over the place. George ran the pigeons over)

MIRANDA: (Gasps loudly) Oh my God! (Gasps again)

GEORGE: (Pause) So, uh.. where're we eating?

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's girlfriend's apartment]

JERRY: And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.

CELIA: (Laughs slightly) You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.

(Jerry notices Celia has a whole toy collection on display)

JERRY: Wow! (Moves closer to the toys)

CELIA: Oh, yeah.. the toys. (Chuckles)

JERRY: Where did you get all these?!

CELIA: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died fro a long and painful bout-

JERRY: (Interrupting) Super bowl! (Shifts his eyes to another shelf) Hey, and origional G.I. Joe! (Picks it up, then looks at a thin package next to the Joe on the shelf) With a full frogman suit.. (Starts walking tward the kitchen with both items in his hands)

CELIA: (Blocking his path) Jerry, what are you doing?

JERRY: (Gesturing to the suit) I'm putting this on him, and we're going to the sink.

CELIA: (Takes them from him, and puts them back on the shelf) No, Jerry. They're priceless! They've never been played with.

JERRY: (Like a child) I just want to.. touch them a little..

CELIA: I said no. Now, come here.. (They kiss. While kissing, Jerry's checking out her toy collection excitedly)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: A J. Peterman employee break room]

(Elaine is making herself some coffe. A new worker, Lou Filerman, sneaks up on her)

LOU: Hi! (Elaine's shocked by his being there, she spills coffee on herself) I'm Lou Filerman! I'm new here. (Walks off. Another co-worker enters)

ELAINE: Hey, Walter, what is the deal with that guy?

WALTER: Oh, he's Lou Filerman. He's new here. (Sees Elaine's newly made coffee stain) Hey, your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.

ELAINE: (Smiling, she sarcastically says) You've been an enormous help.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Coffee shop]

JERRY: You ran over some pigeons? How many?

GEORGE: (Annoyed) What ever they had! Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?

JERRY: Of course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue dedications.

GEORGE: Right! And these pigeons broke the deal! I will not accept the blame for this.

JERRY: So Maranda's cooled on ya?

GEORGE: I'm getting nothing!

JERRY: Yeah, me neither.

GEORGE: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?

JERRY: Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection, and she won't let me near it!

(Elaine walks in)

GEORGE: I don't understand women..

JERRY: Here comes one.

(Elaine sits down next to George)

ELAINE: Hey. What's going on?

GEORGE: Hey.. (Sees her coffee stain) Art Garfunkle?

ELAINE: (Holding her arm up so George can see the stain better) No, Castro.

GEORGE: (Nodding) Right..

ELAINE: All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere, and he's right next to you!

JERRY: So he just sidles up?

ELAINE: (Pointing) That's right! He's a real sidler!

JERRY: Maybe you didn't see him.

ELAINE: You never see him.. he sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making a cup of soup, singing that sonf from "The Lion King".

JERRY: Hakuna Matata?

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) I thought I was alone.

JERRY: That doesn't make it right.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Apartment building hallway]

JERRY: See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup-

ELAINE: (Interrupting) Would you just.. let it go?

KRAMER: (Calling out from inside his aprtment) Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! (Both Jerry and Elaine enter Kramer's apartment. The entire apartment is the Merv Griffin Talk Show set. Jerry and Elaine are dumbfounded) Hey!

JERRY: Oh my God!

KRAMER: (Arms out) It's the Merv Griffin set! (Starts clapphing. Jerry and Elaine move onto the set, inspecting it)

JERRY: How did you get this in here?!

KRAMER: Oh, you just bring it in sideways, and (Clicks his tongue) hook it.

JERRY: So where are you gonna sleep?

KRAMER: Yeah, backstage. (Gestures to the area behind the set)

ELAINE: Eww.. (bends over to smell one of the chairs, points to it) this chair smells like garbage.

KRAMER: (Sits in Merv's chair, he puts on a sports jacket) Oh, well, a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on T.V.. yeah, you can take Mannex for example..

(The phone from Jerry's apartment rings)

JERRY: I'm gonna get that. (Starts walking tward his apartment)

KRAMER: (Like a host) All right, well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime. (Jerry gives a look - showing his confusedness, then walks off) Well! Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine walks over and sits in a chair - going along with Kramer's imaginary talk show) Why, is it possible that you are even more beautiful than the last time I saw you? (Elaine laughs flirtingly)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Central park]

(George observes that many pigeons scatter to get out of the way of an oncoming runner. He decides to test the deal by doing the same thing. The birds don't monve, George stomps all over them - feathers go flying. A mother and a child an a bench are horrified from the sight)

GEORGE: We had a deal!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: J. Peterman's office]

(Elaine enters. Peterman is reading from a magazine)

ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.

PETERMAN: One moment.. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year. (Pauses) Aaaaannnd.. done. (Looks up at Elaine) Oh, yes.. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly. (takes the papers from her) It must have been an awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.

ELAINE: (Confused) What? (Turns around and sees a grinning Lou Filerman)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Kramer's apartment]

(Kramer is "hosting" the Merv Griffin show - Jerry is his "guest")

JERRY: So three dates, and she still won't let me play with her toys..

KRAMER: That's interesting.. You know, someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys.. growing up.

JERRY: (Aggravated) Yeah, that was me..

KRAMER: Oh, that's right, right, right. And, uh, you mentioned that, uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had..

JERRY: (Angered at his childhood) An Army Pete.

KRAMER: Right.

JERRY: He was made of wood, and in the rain he would swell up and then split!

KRAMER: (Turns to an imaginary audience) And we all know how painful that can be! (Laughs)

(Jerry looks out, trying to see who Kramer is talking to. He becomes confused)

ELAINE: Jerry? (Enters Kramer's apartment)

KRAMER: Oh, Elaine Benes! Well, this is quite a thrill! Yes! (Gets up to greet her, then motions for Jerry to move down a seat. Jerry is reluctant to get up, so Kramer grabs his arm, and shoves him out of the seat. Elaine sits down in his place. Jerry sits in the next seat on the right) C'mon, sit down, yes..

ELAINE: (Turns to Jerry) Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.

KRAMER: (Interrupting) Excuse me, yeah. We're talking (points in the direction of where he's sitting) this way.

ELAINE: (To Kramer) Well, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job!

KRAMER: Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?

ELAINE: (Confused) Kramer, what is wrong with you?

KRAMER: (Defensively) What do you mean?

ELAINE: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards.. (Kramer puts his note cards in his jacket. Elaine turns to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler!

JERRY: You? Sidle? You, you stomp around like a Clydesdale!

ELAINE: Not with these honeys! (Pulls out a pair of shoes) Wrestling shoes!

KRAMER: (To an imaginary audience) Only in New York! (laughs)

(Jerry and Elaine both look confused as to who Kramer's talking to)

GEORGE: (From the hallway) Jerry? (Enters Kramer's apartment)

KRAMER: Oh! (Hits the play button on a casette player - talk show theme music fills the room) Hey! (Gets up, greeting George) Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise! (Gestures for Jerry and Elaine to both move down a seat. They reluctantly get up and move. Kramer directs George to Elaine's former seat. The tape plays Kramer's voice saying "Turn music off" - he does) Yeah, sit, sit, sit... We-he-ell! (Starts clapping and laughing)

GEORGE: (Irritated, he talks to Jerry) Well, it happened again.

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: (Interrupting) Et, et, et.. I'll ask the questions.. (Jerry give a reaction showing he's fed up with Kramer's antics) What happened?

GEORGE: Well, I just stompped some pigeons in the park! They - they didn't move!

KRAMER: (Getting edgy) Alright.. let's, uh, change the subject.. (Looks at his note cards) Now, uh, you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us - what was that like? (Jerry and Elaine exchange confused glances. George stares at Kramer. Kramer then realizes his mistake) That was the wrong card.. (Starts flipping through them)

GEORGE: (Pause) I-I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!

JERRY: So, they're like everyone else.

(Kramer bursts out laughing at Jerry's joke)

KRAMER: Alright, let's take a short break. (Kramer shoves a whole bunch of chips into his mouth, then takes a drink from his Coke can - all the while, Jerry, George, and Elaine are watching him with puzzled looks. Kramer looks at his watch) Okay! We're back!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: George's car]

GEORGE: (Pointing) Boy, that bank clock is eight minutes off.

MIRANDA: (Stale) Then why don't you just run it over too?

GEORGE: (Muttering, to himself) Zing..

(George's car approaches a pigeon in the road - George swerves out of the way, sparing the pigeon's life)

MIRANDA: George, what are you doing?!

GEORGE: Did you see that?! That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved that pigeons life!

MIRANDA: What pigeon?! You drove right into that squirrel! (Unbuckles her seat belt, and rushes out to help the squirrel)

GEORGE: (Yelling after her) Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with them!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Celia's apartment]

(Jerry and Celia are watching TV. Jerry secretly grabs a plastic army man and starts playing with it. Celia notices)

CELIA: Jerry! Those hands! They never stop!

JERRY: (Like a kid who just got scolded) I'm sorry.. You got any booze? Let's say you and I get ripped!

CELIA: No.. thanks. I have a head ache.. Can you just get me an asprin?

JERRY: (Reluctantly gets up) Alright.. (Scene cuts to the medicine cabinet just as Jerry opens it. He picks up a bottle and reads the label) Hmm.. "Will not cause drowsiness." (Picks up another bottle, and reads it) "May cause drowsiness".. (Puts the non-drowsiness bottle back, then returns to Celia with the other)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Peterman's office]

LOU: Here's the new copy you wanted. (Holds out some papers)

PETERMAN: Ah, yes. (Takes them) Well, (looks through them) this certainly looks like a lot of words.. In record time. I'm very impressed. (Looks up) With both of you.

(Lou turns to find a smiling Elaine right by his side)

ELAINE: Thank you.. (Laughs. Moving into Peterman's office, she sits down)

PETERMAN: (After reading the pages briefly) Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo!.. And I'm assuming I need it right away.

ELAINE: Well, I guess we'll just have- (Turns around, Lou is nowhere in sight. She's left to do the assignment alone) Eh, just gimme that. (Snatches the papers from Peterman, gets up and leaves)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Celia's apartment]

(Celia is sound asleep on her couch. Jerry's playing with her G.I. Joe - just like a little kid would)

JERRY: (Attacks a toy monkey with the G.I. Joe doll. Laughs) Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe! (Moves Joe's legs to make it look like Joe's swimming)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Veterinarian's office]

(Miranda and George brought the near-dead squirrel to a vet)

MIRANDA: Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?

DOCTOR: There's been massive trauma. We could, of course, try to save him - but, it would be costly, difficult, and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.

GEORGE: Well, uh, are there any other options?

DOCTOR: We could put him to sleep..

GEORGE: What might that cost?

DOCTOR: Well, it's by the pound, soo.. about 80 cents.

GEORGE: (Suggests it to Miranda) Well? (She hits him) I was just - I'm curious, that's all.. (To Doctor) We, uh.. we'd like you to do everything possible.

DOCTOR: He, um.. he's not going to be the same, you know?

GEORGE: yeah.. yeah. I know.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Kramer's apartment]

(Kramer's 'hosting'. Newman is sitting in a chair next to his - the sidekick. Jerry and George are his guests)

GEORGE: (Depressed) So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

KRAMER: El Paso? (To his imaginary audience) I spent a month there one night!

NEWMAN: (Starts laughing) El Paso! (Continues to laugh)

JERRY: (Gesturing to Newman) What's he here for?

KRAMER: To take some of the pressure off of me.. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life.. hmm?

JERRY: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story, because she has this amazing toy collection, and last night, (All smiles) I finally got to play with them.

KRAMER: Well.. It sounds like things are progressing.. (Touches his hear) Do I hear wedding bells?

NEWMAN: (Jumps in) Are you married right now?

(Kramer hits him for playing the part of the host)

JERRY: Actually, she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine, and (Smiling to himself) I guess she passed out!

KRAMER: (Concerned) What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?

JERRY: (To George) She's even got that old Matel football game that we love!

GEORGE: Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!

KRAMER: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?! (Jerry gives him a "so what?" look. Kramer points to a casette player on the table) Let's pause a moment! (Newman pushes play, talk show music fills the room. Kramer confidentially talks to Jerry) Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!

NEWMAN: I told you he was a risk.

JERRY: (To Newman) Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!

NEWMAN: Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!

(Kramer gets in the middle of them, breaking up the fight)

KRAMER: Smile, everyone! We're back! (Faces the 'audience')

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Elaine's office]

LOU: You wanted to see me, Elaine?

ELAINE: Yes, Lou.. you've got a lot going for you. You're, um, you're.. spontaneous, you're.. symmetrical.. you're, uh, (Sees that he's moved to the other side of her. It startles her) you're very quick, aren't ya?.. It's just that your.. (Points to the inside of her mouth)

LOU: My dead tooth?

ELAINE: Noo.. your.. (Exhales loudly)

LOU: My breath?

ELAINE: Eehh.. (Makes a gesture that there's a bad smell)

LOU: What can I do?

ELAINE: Well, you should never ever go anywhere (Takes a box of Tic-Tacs out) without these. (Shakes them)

LOU: (Takes the box) Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! (He leaves, making a noise everytime he walks. Elaine smiles with relief - her sidler problems are over)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Celia's apartment]

(George, Jerry, and Celia are all having diner)

GEORGE: (To Celia) More wine and turkey? (Pours more wine into Celia's glass)

JERRY: So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey, and a giant box of wine, I thought: "What a coincidence! We're just about to eat!"

CELIA: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?

JERRY AND GEORGE: Triptaphen.

JERRY: (Trying to cover up the obviousness of their visit) I think.. Have some more wine. (Pours wine from his own glass into hers)

CELIA: What video did you get?

JERRY: Ohh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.

GEORGE: Four hours!

JERRY: (Pouring gravy all over Celia's plate) More heavy gravy?

(Scene cuts to later that night. Celia's sleeping on the couch - meanwhile, Jerry and George are both playing with her toys)

GEORGE: (Playing with "Super Bowl") Yes! Touch down! (Pushes it over to Jerry) Your turn, Jerry. (Grabs a nearby etch-a-sketch)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Kramer's apartment]

(Newman and Kramer are hosting. No one is playing the guest)

NEWMAN: Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans.. you know. I rip of the label.. I can hardly tell the difference.

KRAMER: (Looking over his show) Well, we've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest?

NEWMAN: We've got no one!

KRAMER: (Sighs) We need a new forman. We should shut down, and re-tool. (Yanks an extension cord from out of a wall socket. It flys back and hits him in the face. The lights go out. They sit in the dark for a few seconds)

NEWMAN: What about a guest-host?

KRAMER: (Scolding) I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Veterinarian's office]

MIRANDA: Doctor, how's the squirrel?

GEORGE: Is he dead?

DOCTOR: No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?

MIRANDA: (Stern) Yes he would.

(George reluctantly follows the vet to a room. The squirrel is laying in a small bed)

DOCTOR: You have 30 minutes. (Leaves. George looks back with a face)

GOERGE: (Walks up to the bed) So.. uh, squirrel..

(Doctor enters)

DOCTOR: One more thing, Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up tomarrow.

GEORGE: What's that?

DOCTOR: Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.

GEORGE: He has no home. He's a squirrel.

DOCTOR: Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day, and keep his tail elevated. (Leaves)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Coffee shop]

JERRY: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet..

GEORGE: it's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it! As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Jerry, (Sits down) what are you doin' tomarrow? I want you to come by the set.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) What about my 'questionable material'?

KRAMER: Nope, we got a whole new forman. Edgy, youthful, plus - we got Jim Fowler!

JERRY: Jim Fowler? The animal guy from 'Wild Kingdom' is coming to your apartment?

KRAMER: Well, I practically raised his kids..

GEORGE: That's perfect! He's a zoo guy. He take's care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel by?

KRAMER: What? Two animal acts on the same show? (To Jerry) What is this, amateur hour? (Laughs) Look, George, I'm sorry, but maybe another time, alright? (Gets up and leaves)

GEORGE: I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically bionic!

(Elaine enters, sidling up on Jerry)

ELAINE: Hey! (Jerry startles. Elaine laughs) Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which, (Sits down) I think I got that problem solved.

JERRY: Tic-Tacs worked?

ELAINE: He's a human maraca.

GEORGE: (Studying his thumbs) Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game..

ELAINE: You took him over to Celia's?!

JERRY: What? It's a victimless crime.

ELAINE: What about the woman who's been drugged, and taken advantage of?

JERRY: Okay, one victim.

ELAINE: I think it's unconsible.

GEORGE: Hey, last night, I found a whole weeble villiage right behind the E-Z Bake oven.

ELAINE: (Interested) E-Z Bake oven?

(Scene cuts to Celia's apartment. Celia's sleeping at the dinner table. Elaine, George, and Jerry are playing with her toys. The E-Z Bake oven dings)

ELAINE: Who wants cupcake?!

GEORGE: Oh, me, me, me, me, me!

(Elaine hands George a cupcake. Jerry watches in disgust)

JERRY: You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.

(George's video can be heard)

FRANK: (From TV) You step on it, and it flushes!

ELAINE: (Watching the video) Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?

ESTELLE: (From TV) Stop squirming!

GEORGE: Oh, don't look. This is the part where they change me.

JERRY: You're like eight years old!

ESTELLE: (From TV) Georgie!..

GEORGE: (Defensively) I was seven and a half!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Elaine is shaking a box of Tic-Tacs. Peterman stops infront of her office. He's annoyed)

PETERMAN: That noise.. that's the noise! (Moves into her office)

ELAINE: What?

PETERMAN: That inferno rattling sound that has plauged me these past two days - and I could not find the source! In my office, in the hallway.. even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!

ELAINE: No, no, Mr. Peterman, that wasn't me!

PETERMAN: That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture!.. You haven't gone over to their side, have you?

ELAINE: No, Mister Peterman.

PETERMAN: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can. (Goes to leave, then stops at the door) And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too. (Exits)

(Elaine hears Lou Filerman rattling around the halls. She ventures out to find him. Down the hall, she hurries him into a break room)

ELAINE: Lou! In here! We have to talk.

LOU: Oh, right. (Takes his box of Tic-Tacs out)

ELAINE: (Grabs them from him) No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.

LOU: Why?

ELAINE: Because they're turning your teeth green?

LOU: I only buy the white ones.

ELAINE: Okay.. well, then your teeth are green for a different reason.. Just, stop carrying these, okay? Just, just mouth wash.

LOU: I can't. It burns my cankers.

ELAINE: Binacca?

LOU: Again.

ELAINE: Right, right, cankers. Um.. I got it! Chwew gum!

LOU: I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that about 20 years ago.

ELAINE: Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Kramer's apartment]

(Kramer and Newman are in their hosting places. Jerry and Jim Fowler are guests. Fowler has a Hawk perched on his arm)

KRAMER: Okay.. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.

FOWLER: Where are the cameras?

KRAMER: But first, we're talking with (In a disappointed tone) Jerry. (Jerry gives Kramer a look) Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy collection. How do you feel about that?

JERRY: It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.

KRAMER: And she doesn't know anything about this?

JERRY: No, not a thing. (Newman laughs)

KRAMER: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!

(Celia emerges from 'backstage')

CELIA: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you?!

NEWMAN AND KRAMER: Woah! (They both sit back, enjoying the sparks)

JERRY: What is this?! What is she doing here?!

KRAMER: It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it..

CELIA: If you think you can drub me, and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!

NEWMAN: Go, girl!

JERRY: Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine?!

NEWMAN AND KRAMER: Ohhh!

(George enters carrying the squirrel in a pouch)

GEORGE: Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science!

KRAMER: George, I told you, we're booked!

(The hawk starts screeching as the sight of the squirrel)

FOWLER: Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.

KRAMER: Ohhh.. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicey.. Yeah, George, bring him over.

FOWLER: No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!

(The hawk starts screeching louder, it takes off after the squirrel. Everyone watches in scared amazement as George tries to shield himself from the clawing hawk)

KRAMER: Are we getting this?

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Coffee shop]

(George has claw marks on his face)

JERRY: So the whole set was destroyed?

KRAMER: Well, the squirrel kept scurrying, and the hawk kept clawing.

GEORGE: Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work. Sorry about the set.

KRAMER: I tell yah, it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a day. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.

(Miranda approaches the table)

MIRANDA: I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (Leaves)

JERRY: So the squirrel's gonna make it?

GEORGE: Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm.. sleeping on the couch.

JERRY: Sleeping on the couch? So you're..

GEORGE: Still getting nothing! (Sees some cooing pigeons in the window) So, go ahead, pigeons. Laugh it up.. I'm getting in my car now, and the last think I heard - we have NO DEAL!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Celia's apartment]

(Elaine and Lou are having turkey and wine with Celia)

CELIA: I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.

ELAINE: Oh, well, hey, I dated Jerry, too. I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?

CELIA: (Looking at Lou) Who's he?

ELAINE: Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, (Picks up her glass to fill Celia's to the brim) let me top that off for ya.