[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best; this guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes--where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone, saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just--he's a butcher. The man's a butcher."? And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know...you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What, is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."?

[Scene: Physical Therapist's Office]
(Julianna is giving Jerry a massage.)

JULIANNA: And usually, for lunch, I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.

JERRY: What do you think the worst part of being blind is?

JULIANNA: Excuse me?

JERRY: You know, if you were blind. What do you think the worst part of it would be?

JULIANNA: I don't know.

JERRY: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.

JULIANNA: Well, that's how my five-year-old eats. He's a very picky eater.

JERRY: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?

JULIANNA: No.

JERRY: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.

JULIANNA: (Nervous.) Have you seen any good movies?

JERRY: Who takes care of your boy during the day?

JULIANNA: We have a woman. Why?

JERRY: No, no. I'm just saying.

JULIANNA: (Defensive.) She had references.

JERRY: I'm sure she did; I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. (Re: Massage.) You know, I think this is really helping.

JULIANNA: (Incredibly uneasy.) I don't live near here, ya know!

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: So, she's giving me the massage, and I'm just making conversation...

ELAINE: I don't like to talk during a massage.

JERRY: Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.

GEORGE: Yeah, I do that, too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I fell like I don't deserve it, so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. (Re: The refrigerator.) There's nothing to eat in here.

ELAINE: (To Jerry.) Oh! I forgot to tell you--

JERRY: I'm in the middle of a story.

ELAINE: Okay, go ahead.

GEORGE: (To Jerry.) Why don't you ever go shopping?

JERRY: Not like it's a really funny story, or anything.

ELAINE: What happened?

JERRY: Well, so she mentioned that she had a son, and for some reason I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.

ELAINE: Oh, wasn't that terrible?

JERRY: Yes, it was.

GEORGE: (Ibid.) Not even an apple.

ELAINE: She doesn't want to hear that. That was stupid.

JERRY: I know it was stupid.

ELAINE: Really stupid.

JERRY: Hey, I just said it was stupid.

GEORGE: (Ibid.) What about this leftover Chinese food?

JERRY: (To George.) Take it.

ELAINE: (To Jerry.) I can't believe you said that.

JERRY: Hey, would you stop it, all ready?

ELAINE: So, what did she say?

JERRY: I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid.

GEORGE: (After taking a bite.) This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

ELAINE: I have a good masseuse you could go to.

JERRY: Nah, she's really good, and she's not just a masseuse. She's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound; it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.

GEORGE: Physical therapy is covered by insurance?

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: You don't have to pay for the massage?

JERRY: Not if you have a doctor's note.

ELAINE: So, where do you get this note?

JERRY: Well, I've never actually done it, but if I really wanted to, I could probably get one from my friend, Roy, the dentist.

GEORGE: Right. Your friend, Roy.

ELAINE: What's the name of this physical therapist?

JERRY: I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid. She's a little off.

GEORGE: (Proud of his new knowledge.) And you don't have to pay.

[Scene: Waiting Room]
(George and Elaine enter.)

GEORGE: We have three o'clock appointments.

RECEPTIONIST: George and Elaine, right? Could you fill these out for me, please? And, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and, George, you'll be with Raymond.

GEORGE: Excuse me, did you say Raymond?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes.

GEORGE: But, uh, Raymond is a man.

RECEPTIONIST: That's right.

(George and Elaine sit down on a near-by couch.)

GEORGE: I can't get a massage from a man.

ELAINE: Why not?

GEORGE: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.

ELAINE: No. I don't want the man, either.

GEORGE: What's the difference? You're a woman. They're suppose to be touching you.

ELAINE: He'd just be touching your back.

GEORGE: He'd just be touching your back, too.

ELAINE: No. It could get sexual.

GEORGE: I know, that's the point. If it's going to get sexual, it should get sexual with you.

ELAINE: I wouldn't be comfortable.

GEORGE: I would?! What if something happens?

ELAINE: What could happen?

GEORGE: What if it felt good?

ELAINE: It's suppose to feel good.

GEORGE: (Adamant.) I don't want it to feel good.

ELAINE: Then, why get the massage?

GEORGE: Exactly!

(Raymond enters.)

RAYMOND: George?

GEORGE: Yes?

RAYMOND: I'm Raymond.

GEORGE: (Meek.) Hello.

RAYMOND: Are you ready?

(George slowly gets up and follows Raymond.)

[Scene: Physical Therapist's Office]
(George, on the table--getting massaged by Raymond--is so terrified that words seem to be forced out of him as he does speak.)

RAYMOND: And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her, here, in the office.

GEORGE: Really.

RAYMOND: I used to be a flight attendant.

GEORGE: Oh, boy.

RAYMOND: You know, why don't you open those pants; it's gonna be a lot easier that way. (George loosens his pants, slightly. Raymond grabs and yanks them down more, and then begins massaging his lower back.) So, what do you do?

GEORGE: What?

RAYMOND: I said, what do you do?

GEORGE: I don't know.

RAYMOND: You don't know what you do?

GEORGE: Nah.

RAYMOND: Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense.

GEORGE: Coffee. Too much coffee.

RAYMOND: Okay, just take off those pants, now. I'll work the hamstring.

GEORGE: Oh, the hamstring's fine.

RAYMOND: But you wrote that it was tender.

GEORGE: I wrote. (Scoffs.) I wrote.

RAYMOND: I'll check it out.

GEORGE: Are you sure?

RAYMOND: Yeah, take 'em off. (George stands up and nervously removes his pants. Back on the table, as soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes incredibly rigid.) How did you hurt this?

GEORGE: I don't know.

RAYMOND: You don't know?

GEORGE: No.

RAYMOND: But, you just told me--

GEORGE: Korea.

RAYMOND: You hurt it in Korea?

GEORGE: What?

RAYMOND: The hamstring.

GEORGE: Korea.

RAYMOND: How?

GEORGE: Hamstring.

RAYMOND: How did you hurt the hamstring?

GEORGE: Hotel.

[Scene: Waiting Room]
(George enters from the office.)

ELAINE: How'd it go?...George?

(George mechanically walks past Elaine and out the front door.)

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: (Into the phone.) No appointments, at all? Because, my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh, boy...Okay, thanks, anyway.

(George enters, nervous.)

JERRY: What's with you?

GEORGE: A...

JERRY: Yes, a...?

GEORGE: A man gave me...

JERRY: Yes, a man gave you...?

GEORGE: A man gave me...a massage.

JERRY: So?

GEORGE: So, he...had his hands and, uh, he was...

JERRY: He was what?

GEORGE: He was...touching and rubbing.

JERRY: That's a massage.

GEORGE: And then I took my pants off.

JERRY: You took your pants off?

GEORGE: For my hamstring.

JERRY: Oh.

GEORGE: He got about two inches from...there.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: I think it moved.

JERRY: Moved?

GEORGE: It may have moved. I don't know.

JERRY: I'm sure it didn't move.

GEORGE: It moved! It was imperceptible, but I felt it.

JERRY: Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know, shift to the other side.

GEORGE: No, no. It wasn't a shift. I've shifted. This was a move.

JERRY: Okay, so what if it moved?

GEORGE: That's the sign! The test: if a man makes it move.

JERRY: That's not the test. Contact is the test: if it moves as a result of contact.

GEORGE: You think it's contact? It has to be touched?

JERRY: That's what a gym teacher once told me.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I looked in there, and there he was, having coffee and a donut.

JERRY: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?

KRAMER: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.

JERRY: I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut he goes to a fancy restaurant, or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.

GEORGE: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.

JERRY: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little, tiny, filthy, smelly Dinky Donuts.

KRAMER: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?

JERRY: He can have a donut. But, not at Dinky.

GEORGE: I don't even like to use urinals. I've always been a stall man.

KRAMER: Look, I'm telling--(Does a double-take at George. To Jerry.) I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.

GEORGE: (Dry.) The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe--he's in Dinky Donuts. (To Jerry.) What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend, Roy.

JERRY: I never said I'd do that.

GEORGE: What are you talking about? That's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working. I can't afford that.

JERRY: I don't know how I feel about it.

GEORGE: Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker, now?

JERRY: Alright, alright.

KRAMER: (Laughing at George.) A stall man, huh?

[Scene: Roy's Office]
JERRY: So, we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, that's fine.

GEORGE: He didn't say he can't.

JERRY: I mean, if you feel funny about it, at all...

GEORGE: He doesn't feel funny.

JERRY: If he does.

GEORGE: (To Roy.) Do you feel funny? (To Jerry.) He didn't say anything.

JERRY: He feels funny. (To Roy.) You don't have to do this.

GEORGE: He knows that!

JERRY: Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?

GEORGE: Oh, can you be any more dramatic?

ROY: Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George is looking at a boxing poster on his wall.) Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?

GEORGE: How would I know?

ROY: Do you like him?

GEORGE: What do you mean, like him?

ROY: Do you like him?

GEORGE: I mean, he's a good fighter and a nice guy, but I don't like him.

ROY: How come you don't like him?

GEORGE: Why should I?

JERRY: (To George.) What is the matter with you?

GEORGE: Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?

ROY: So, you want the notes?

JERRY: You don't have to. Really.

ROY: Nah, nah. It's okay.

JERRY: We should probably get one for Elaine, too. Right, George? (George is staring intently at the poster.) George?

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: (Into the phone.) Well, what about the week after? No appointments, at all? (Attempts to sit down, but Elaine is already sitting there. He squeezes her as he tries to sit down, which forces her to move over, so he can sit.) Can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize?...Forget it. (Hangs up.) I can't believe this. I make one innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania, and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Glares at Elaine.) What's with you?

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Well, you were too close to me. I was all scrunched in, there.

ELAINE: Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here, first.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop, again.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

ELAINE: Joe DiMaggio?

KRAMER: Joe DiMaggio. You know, this time I went in and sat down across from him, and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks.

ELAINE: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?

KRAMER: That's right.

JERRY: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

KRAMER: Oh, he's a dunker.

ELAINE: Why couldn't he be a dunker?

KRAMER: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm, uh, you know, like, I'm sitting in there, you know, and I start banging on the table, you know, to, uh, look up, you know. Like, I'm sitting there you know and uh, (Slams the table.) You know. (Again.) He wouldn't move. So then, I start doing these yelping noises, like, yip! Yip! No reaction, because the guy is so focused, you see. He can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.

ELAINE: So, then what?

KRAMER: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.

ELAINE: Why didn't you just call out his name?

(George enters. His pants are ripped at the knee.)

JERRY: What happened to you?

GEORGE: One of those kids called me a mary.

ELAINE: A what?

GEORGE: I was jumping over a puddle, and for some reason, I went like this...(George stretches his arms out in a ballet motion.) They called me a mary, so I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.

KRAMER: Yeah, you know, kids, they can be very perceptive.

ELAINE: (Laughing.) Hey, George, what is this? (Makes the same motion the kids ridiculed George for.) What is that? No, really, what is that?

(The phone rings. Kramer picks it up, but Jerry grabs it from him before he can answer the call.)

JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi, Roy. What? Oh my God...how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I'm so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up.) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud.

KRAMER: (Singing.) Just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe.

JERRY: (To George.) I told you.

GEORGE: Told me what?

JERRY: I told you we shouldn't do it.

GEORGE: He didn't say anything.

JERRY: He's got a house, a family. They could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes.

ELAINE: Three notes?

JERRY: Yeah. You, me and George.

ELAINE: You got me a note?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: But, I got my own note.

JERRY: You what?

ELAINE: I got a note from my gynecologist.

JERRY: Why'd you do that?

ELAINE: I didn't know you were getting me a note.

JERRY: Of course I was getting you a note.

ELAINE: But, you didn't say anything.

JERRY: Neither did you. That's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors.

KRAMER: How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yeah.

[Scene: Roy's Waiting Room]
JERRY: Hi, Pam.

PAM: Hello.

GEORGE: Hello.

JERRY: I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy.

(Roy enters.)

ROY: Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan...(Notices Jerry.) Hi.

JERRY: Hi, Roy.

GEORGE: How ya doing?

ROY: Come on, back. I have a patient, but she's under.

(In Roy's office, Jerry, George and Roy talk over a sleeping woman.)

JERRY: I don't even know what to say.

GEORGE: Me, neither.

JERRY: I knew this would happen.

GEORGE: Me, too.

JERRY: I mean, the whole thing, it's just...

GEORGE: Tragic.

JERRY: Well, it's not tragic.

GEORGE: No?

JERRY: No, it's...

GEORGE: Unsettling?

JERRY: Okay. (To Roy.) I mean, what if the--

(Pam enters, interrupting.)

PAM: I hope you're both happy.

(Pam exits.)

JERRY: I'm not happy.

GEORGE: Me, neither. I've never been happy.

JERRY: I mean, I'm happy sometimes. But not now.

GEORGE: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.

JERRY: Yeah, college was fun.

(Pam enters, again.)

PAM: You know the whole practice is in jeopardy? You know that?

(Pam leaves, again.)

ROY: Don't mind her.

JERRY: Oh, please. I love her.

GEORGE: I've just met her, but I'm very impressed.

ROY: I can't understand. I've never had a problem with these notes, before.

JERRY: What's the next move? What's gonna happen, now?

ROY: Well, nothing, really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story.

JERRY: What? The physical therapist? Why?

ROY: She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem.

(The woman in the chair wakes up and stares at Jerry and George.)

GEORGE: (To the woman.) How ya doing?

[Scene: Physical Therapist's Waiting Room]
JERRY: (To the receptionist.) Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment, but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.

RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not in.

JERRY: Yeah, I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.

RECEPTIONIST: I told you, she's not here.

JERRY: You don't understand.

RECEPTIONIST: Look, you have to leave.

JERRY: Wait a second, don't you--(Julianna walks in with her son. To her.) Hi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you--

JULIANNA: (Warding Jerry off.) Please!

JERRY: But, you see, let me just talk to you for a second. See, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--

JULIANNA: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!

JERRY: Can't you just listen to me?

JULIANNA: (Releasing her son.) Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (To the receptionist.) Call the police.

(Julianna runs down the hall.)

JERRY: The police?

(Raymond enters.)

RAYMOND: Hi, George.

GEORGE: (Meek.) Hello.

JERRY: (To George.) Raymond?

[Scene: Monk's Diner]
ELAINE: Well, I mean, it's only six months probation. It's a slap on the wrist.

JERRY: Yeah. I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.

GEORGE: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of the sudden, I'll be in the middle.

ELAINE: Of what?...Ohh.

GEORGE: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say, "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"

ELAINE: What do they do?

GEORGE: They talk back. They go, "Hey, George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!"

JERRY: (Spotting Kramer through the window.) Hey, it's the K-man. (Bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention.) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.

(Kramer enters and sits down with them.)

KRAMER: I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.

(Elaine, Jerry and George simultaneously put down their cups.)

JERRY: Did he say anything?

KRAMER: No, no. He's fine.

JERRY: (Noticing something across the diner.) Oh, my God. It's...

GEORGE: (Looking, also.) Joe DiMaggio.

KRAMER: Where?

JERRY: Having a cup of coffee.

ELAINE: He's dunking!

JERRY: Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper. Here.

GEORGE: You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look at George.) Oh, please.

KRAMER: Wait, wait. (Slams his hand down on the table, twice.) Yip! Yip! See? I told you.

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously, I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand. Walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"