[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So, in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't, "Do you take Bill Simpson?" It's, "Do you take this man?"

[Scene: Joe Davola's Apartment]
(Joe is on the phone. He get's Jerry's answering machine.)

JERRY: Leave a message, and I'll call you back. Thanks.

JOE: Jerry, Joe Davola. (Makes a spitting motion three times.) I have a hair on my tongue. I can't get it off. You know how much I hate that? 'Course you do--you put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC; put the kibosh on my deal. Now, I'm gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed, before, and I will kibosh, again.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: So, what do you think?

JERRY: About what?

KRAMER: About the opera.

JERRY: Nah, I don't want to go.

KRAMER: You gotta go.

JERRY: I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it.

KRAMER: Jerry, you don't understand. That's the way they talk in Italy. They sing to one another.

(Kramer begins to sing in faux-Italian.)

JERRY: All right, all right.

KRAMER: That's the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, it's got that sing-songy quality. It's the language, Jerry, the language.

JERRY: So, why don't they talk like that, now?

KRAMER: Well, it's, uh...well, it's too hard to keep up, you know. They were tired.

(Elaine buzzes from outside.)

KRAMER: Better get that.

JERRY: (Into the intercom.) Yeah?

ELAINE: (Outside.) It's me.

JERRY: (Ibid.) Come on up.

KRAMER: So, huh?

JERRY: I don't know.

KRAMER: Oh, comoe on, Jerry. It's opening night. Black tie. Pagliacci! The great clown. The great, sad, tragic clown. Like you.

JERRY: Well, it's very flattering. How did you get these tickets? I heard they're impossible to get.

KRAMER: Oh, well, I have many associates.

JERRY: I don't know. Opera? It's not my kind of thing.

KRAMER: All right. You're not gonna go, I'm not gonna go. I'm gonna call the whole thing off.

JERRY: No, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's not fair. What about George, Susan and Elaine? What do you need me for?

KRAMER: You're the nucleus. The straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana!

JERRY: Well, I guess if I'm the Miana, I should go. All right, all right.

(Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hi!

JERRY: Hi.

KRAMER: Hey! Hi, Elaine.

ELAINE: (To Kramer.) You got the tickets, right?

KRAMER: Well, no. I don't have them on me.

ELAINE: What? That's why I came all the way over here.

KRAMER: My friend's got 'em. I'm going to pick them up, tomorrow.

ELAINE: Oh. I was gonna surprise Joey with them. You got an extra one, right?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah!

JERRY: So, I finally get to meet your pal, Joey.

ELAINE: It's killing you, isn't it?

JERRY: Yeah. So, Joey's a great lover of the opera.

ELAINE: Listen, I've got news for you. It's nice to be involved with somebody who's interested in something other than Nick-at-Nite. Now, he's got a grip on reality. He's happy. He's well-adjusted.

[Scene: Joe Davola's Apartment]
(An I Pagliacci score plays in the background as Joe Davola is lifting weights. He's crying profusely. Photos of Elaine are scattered about the floor.)

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting him.

ELAINE: I've got to go.

JERRY: Where are you going? What's the rush?

ELAINE: I'm going to surprise Joey. I've never been to his apartment, so I'm just going to pop in.

JERRY: Oh, good. Men love that!

(Elaine exits as Jerry notices that Kramer is using the lamp to try and read Jerry's mail through the envelope.)

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: (Re: the answering machine.) You've got a message, Buddy.

JERRY: Ooh. Could be from that blonde.

KRAMER: Ooh. Yiggity, diggig.

JOE: (On the answering machine.) Jerry, Joe Davola. I have a hair on my tongue.

[Scene: Joe Davola's Apartment]
(Joe Davola has his hand over a a candle's flame, and he's laughing to himself.)

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: (Panicked.) Kramer, what am I going to do?! Did you hear, that guy's gonna put the kibosh on me! He's crazy! He's out of his mind!

KRAMER: Steady, steady. Now, calm yourself. Come on, now, get a hold of yourself.

JERRY: What the hell, he's suppose to be on medication! I don't understand. He told me he's getting medication! What happened to his medication?!

KRAMER: Okay, quiet! Quiet. Now, let me think.

JERRY: I'm gonna call the cops. That's what I'm doing. I'm calling the cops.

KRAMER: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They're not going to do anything.

JERRY: What do you mean they're not going to do anything? They're the cops. They gotta do something. He just put the kibosh on me. Do you know what the kibosh means?! It's a kibosh!

KRAMER: Yiddig-ka-kibosh.

JERRY: I mean, it's a terrible mistake. I mean, he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC. I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.

KRAMER: Call him and tell him.

JERRY: That's what I'll do. I'll just call him and tell him. I'll tell him; that's what I'll do. He's a human being. I'll talk to him. He'll understand. Right?

KRAMER: Right...Don't mention my name.

JERRY: (After dialing Joe's number.) Oh, I got the machine.

KRAMER: What's his message like?

JERRY: Nice.

KRAMER: Eh!

JERRY: (Into the phone.) Hello, Joe. Listen, this is Jerry Seinfeld. I really think there's been a huge, colossal misunderstanding.

KRAMER: Big, big!

JERRY: And I feel if we can just talk about this, we can straighten the whole thing out. So, listen...so, call me back. Bye.

[Scene: Joe Davola's Apartment]
(Elaine knocks on the ajar door. She enters.)

ELAINE: Joey?...Joey? (Sees the wall is covered with photos of her. Joe Davola enters and shuts the door.) Oh, God. Oh, it's you! You scared me.

JOE: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.

ELAINE: You left your door open.

JOE: I know. I like to encourage intruders.

ELAINE: (Laughs. Re: the wall.) What's all this?

JOE: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.

ELAINE: Where did you get all these pictures?

JOE: I took them, myself, with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering...

ELAINE: Showering?

JOE: I developed them, myself, in my dark room. Would you like to see?

ELAINE: In the dark room? Uh, no. No, thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person...are you all right?

JOE: Why?

ELAINE: Well, I don't know. You just don't seem yourself.

JOE: Who am I? Who am I suppose to be?

ELAINE: That's a good question. Good question. It's very...existential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well...

JOE: What are you doing, here?

ELAINE: Oh, nothing. I just stopped by to chat. You know, shoot the breeze.

JOE: Were you able to get those opera tickets to I Pagliacci from that friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.

ELAINE: Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going.

JOE: Really?

ELAINE: Oh, damn it, you know, I just remembered, I gotta go. I left something on: the gas, the lights, the water in the tub...something is on, somewhere. So, I'm just gonna get the, uh...

JOE: (Blocking her exit.) You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?

ELAINE: Uh...I'm Elaine.

JOE: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.

ELAINE: Oh.

JOE: Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda?

ELAINE: (Nervous.) Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it's bad to be a clown. If it's bad to be a clown, then you are definitely not a clown. But, if it's good to be a clown, then, you know, I would have to rething the whole thing.

JOE: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he? I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.

ELAINE: Oh, like any man would ever look at me. Come on, I'm gonna...get out of here.

JOE: (Still blocking her path.) Pagliacci kills his wife.

ELAINE: See, now that's terrible. That is not a nice thing to do, at all. I don't know how this Pagliacci thing turns out, but, you know, I would assume there is big, big trouble for that clown.

JOE: You're not leaving.

(Elaine sprays Joe Davola's eyes and he falls to the floor in pain. Elaine quickly leaves.)

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: (Into the phone.) But, officer, he threatened me! I don't understand; that's not right. What if it was the President of the United States? I bet you'd investigate...So, what's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States--and I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure...All right, thanks, anyway. Okay, bye.

(George knocks on the door.)

JERRY: (Cautious.) Who is it?

GEORGE: It's George. (Jerry unlocks the door. George enters wearing a tuxedo that obviously doesn't fit him.) What, are you locking the door, now?

JERRY: (Re: George's tuxedo.) Well, well. Look at you. It's a little skimpy, there, isn't it?

GEORGE: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.

JERRY: Ooh, that was a bad toast.

GEORGE: It wasn't that bad.

JERRY: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.

GEORGE: I was trying to loosen them up a little bit.

JERRY: There were old people, there. All the relatives. You were like a Red Foxx record. I mean, at the end of the toast, nobody even drank. They were just sitting, there. They were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all-time toasts.

GEORGE: All right. Still, her father didn't have to throw me out, like that. He could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock. Susan's not going tonight, you know.

JERRY: What do you mean, not going? Why not?

GEORGE: I don't know. She said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars, this ticket.

JERRY: Why doesn't she pay for hers?

GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know, she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm aksing for, is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?

JERRY: It's nice to get a reach. (A loud thump sounds near the door.) Who is it?

KRAMER: It's me! (Jerry opens the door for him. Kramer's on the hallway floor.) What, are you looking the door, now?

JERRY: Because of Davola! Get in here...(Both enter, and Jerry relocks the door.) How come you're not dressed?

KRAMER: I am dressed.

JERRY: You're going like this?

KRAMER: Yeah. Hey, I want you to hear something.

JERRY: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera.

KRAMER: People do. I don't.

JERRY: Well, what about me! If you're going like that, I'm not going like this.

GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you think I'm comfortable, here? I can't change. I've got no clothes, here! You've got to go like that. I can't go like this, alone!

JERRY: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?

GEORGE: That's not the issue. We're friends. If I've got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable, too!

JERRY: All right, all right. I'll wear this. It's bad enough I've got to go to the opera, I've got to sit next to Ozzie Nelson, over here.

(Kramer slides an I Pagliacci CD into Jerry's stereo.)

JERRY: Would you turn that down? What is that crap!

KRAMER: It's I Pagliacci!

JERRY: Oh, beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem, here. We've got two extra tickets.

KRAMER: Why? What happened?

JERRY: Well, Susan isn't going, and Elaine just left me a message: her friend isn't going, either.

KRAMER: That's fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets--we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket.

GEORGE: What? Really?

KRAMER: Yeah.

GEORGE: People are looking for tickets, here?

KRAMER: What, are you kidding? Opening night, Pavarotti and I Pagliacci? Ha, we're gonna clean up!

GEORGE: Oh, man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.

JERRY: Oh, yeah right.

KRAMER: Okay, come on. Let's go get the tickets.

GEORGE: All right, all right.

JERRY: All right, you guys, listen. I've got to wait here for Elaine. I'll meet you in front of the theater.

GEORGE: (On the way out.) Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?

KRAMER: Yeah!

[Scene: Joe Davola's Apartment]
(I Pagliacci is still playing as Joe Davola is putting on white clown make-up before a mirror.)

[Scene: Theater Entrance]
(Jerry and Elaine are waiting, outside.)

JERRY: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?

ELAINE: Cherry Binaca. It's new.

JERRY: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later, they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry; start with cherry! Then, come out with the regular.

ELAINE: It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person.

JERRY: Well, you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer? I want to get inside, already. I don't like standing out here; I feel very vulnerable. (Jerry drops a coin that he has been tossing, and a man quickly picks it up.) Hey, hey. What are you doing? That's my quarter.

MAN: No, it's not. It's mine.

JERRY: I was just flipping it. It's mine.

MAN: No, I dropped it. It's mine.

JERRY: All right, do you want the quarter? Take the quarter. But, don't try and tell me it's yours.

MAN: Well, it is mine.

JERRY: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here, look. Here, look at this; here's a dollar, here, look. (Jerry tears up the dollar.) There, that's how much I care about money.

MAN: You think I care about money? (Tears up a dollar of his own.) That's how much I care about money. I don't care about money.

JERRY: Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you just get lost?

MAN: Why don't you get lost?

JERRY: Because, I was standing here. That's why.

MAN: Oh, yeah?

JERRY: Yeah. (The man walks away. To Elaine.) I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough...(Louder.) Anybody else got a problem?

[Scene: Central Park]
(Joe Davola, dressed up as Pagliacci, is walking through the park.)

GUY 1: Hey, Clown!

GUY 2: Hey, Clown!

GUY 1: Make us laugh, Clown!

GUY 2: Nice face, Clown. Make me laugh, Clown!

(Joe Davola kicks both of them to the ground.)

[Scene: Alleyway]
(Kramer and George are scalping.)

KRAMER: (Quickly pitching.) I've got two. I got two, huh. Pagliacci. Who needs two? Pagliacci, come on. The great, tragic clown. Come on, check it out. He laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties, right here. Check it out, all right.

BUYER: Hey, hey. Are you selling?

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. I'm selling.

BUYER: Where are they?

KRAMER: Orchestra, Row G. Dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven!

BUYER: What do you want for them?

KRAMER: All right, I'll tell you waht I'll do, 'cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the deuce.

BUYER: I'll give you five hundred for the pair.

GEORGE: Okay, it's a deal!

KRAMER: Pzzt. No.

GEORGE: No? Are you crazy?

KRAMER: Look, let me handle this.

GEORGE: Five hundred dollars, that's a great deal!

KRAMER: You're blowing this. The guy's a pigeon.

(The potential buyer walks away.)

GEORGE: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit.

KRAMER: Look, I know what I'm doing, here, George.

GEORGE: This is not a Metallica concert. It's an opera, all right? A little dignity, a little class. Just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.

KRAMER: (Handing him his ticket.) Oh, yeah.

GEORGE: Thank you, very much. You just stand over there, I'll stand over here.

KRAMER: I know where I'm standing.

GEORGE: All right.

KRAMER: (To passersby.) Hey!

GEORGE: (Shouting.) Get your I Pagliacci.

[Scene: Theater Entrance]
JERRY: Where are they, already?

ELAINE: I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.

JERRY: Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen's father-in-law, Mr. Reichman. George and I were just talking about that, today. I can't believe it! That's the guy who threw George out of the wedding.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast.

JERRY: Do you remember the curse toast?

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, the curse toast.

JERRY: So, can you believe that message? Now, I've got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

ELAINE: Me, too.

JERRY: Crazy Joe Davola...

ELAINE: How do you know his name?

JERRY: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?

ELAINE: I never told you his name.

JERRY: I never told you his name.

ELAINE: Wait a second, wh are we talking about, here?

JERRY: Joe Davola.

ELAINE: Right. Joe Davola.

JERRY: How do you know his name?

ELAINE: I've been out with him three times. I should know the man's name.

(They both realize the two men they were talking about is one and the same.)

JERRY: Oh, my God, it's Joe Davola.

ELAINE: Is he stalking you? Are you kidding me?

JERRY: That madman is trying to kill me.

ELAINE: Oh, Jerry. Why didn't you tell me his name! Oh, my God, he accused me of seeing someone else. He said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!

JERRY: Oh! He said that?! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you? He'll think I'm the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl. He'll put a kibosh on me!

ELAINE: Ohh, what about me?!

(Joe Davola approaches them, dressed in the clown suit.)

JOE: Excuse me.

(Not realizing who it is, Jerry and Elaine both scream out of fear for the sudden presence.)

[Scene: Alleyway]
GEORGE: But this is Pavarotti!

BUYER 2: Three hundred dollars, that's a lot of money.

(Mr. and Mrs. Reichman enter the alley.)

REICHMAN: You know Steven Holstman did a production at Tunis last year, and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.

GEORGE: All right, I'll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let's stop jerking around. Give me...two hundred and fifty dollars. I've got people waiting for me; I've got to get the hell out of here.

REICHMAN: (To his wife.) Scalping! I told them to put out extra security. (To George.) Excuse me.

GEORGE: Hey, pop, would you buzz off? I've got something cooking.

REICHMAN: Costanza?!

GEORGE: (Realizing.) Mr. Reichman?

REICHMAN: You've still got a mouth like a surd. Give me those tickets.

MRS. REICHMAN: Harold, no, Harold. Harold, be careful of your hair transplant!

[Scene: Theater Entrance]
JOE: Anything is welcome. I accept change.

JERRY: I don't have anything. (Points to the guy who stole his quarter.) I gave it to that guy.

JOE: You know, you could just say no. You don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown, but, I'm a person.

JERRY: I'm telling you, the guy took--

JOE: And I don't need people like you, looking down their noese at me. I am just a street performer, out here, trying to make enough to get by.

(Mrs. Reichman runs past.)

MRS. REICHMAN: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor, anywhere?!

JOE: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend, here? Is that it?

ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out.

JOE: (Walking away.) You people make me sick.

JERRY: That is one angry clown.

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?" "I'm not working with that clown. Did you hire that clown?" "The guy's a clown!" How do you even start into being a clown? How do you know that you want to be a clown? I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because, if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guy's Volkswagon, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh, man!"

[Scene: Theater Entrance]
JERRY: (Singing.) Camera, curtains, lights--this is it, we'll hit the heights. Oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

ELAINE: You know, it is so sad; all your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

JERRY: Oh, there's that clown, again. What does he want from me? (To Joe.) Look, I'm serious. I'm not kidding. I don't have the quarter. (Points to the guy, again.) That guy took it.

JOE: I don't want any money.

ELAINE: I smell cherry.

JOE: It's Binaca.

JERRY: Binaca?

(Jerry and Elaine see the real clown singing not far away, and realize with whom they're speaking. Scared, they both run away.)

[Scene: Alleyway]
GEORGE: What did we say? Two seventy-five?

BUYER 3: Two fifty.

GEORGE: Two fifty? Are you sure?

BUYER 3: Yeah, yeah. I'm sure.

GEORGE: All right. All right. Two fifty.

(Susan enters the alleyway.)

SUSAN: George!

GEORGE: S-susan?

SUSAN: I can't believe it. I'm so glad I caught you.

GEORGE: What are you doing, here? I thought you were going to the airport.

SUSAN: Oh, there was some problem with the plane. They landed in Philadelphia.

GEORGE: So what, they don't have another plane? She couldn't take a bus?

SUSAN: She's coming in, tomorrow. I made it!

GEORGE: yeah, you made it. How about that.

SUSAN: Oh, I'm so excited. Now, we get to see the opera together.

(George quickly gives the man the ticket and takes the money.)

GEORGE: We get to go to the opera together!

SUSAN: (Re: the buyer.) Who's that?

GEORGE: That's, that's...Harry Fong. He's a very good friend of mine, and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show, there, Harry! (Walking off with Susan.) You know what...?

[Scene: Theater Entrance]
JERRY: Come on, you gotta let us in.

USHER: Not without tickets.

JERRY: We have tickets. We just don't have 'em with us.

USHER: Well, that's a problem. (Attempts to tend to other patrons.) Excuse me.

JERRY: You don't understand. Someone's after us. A crazy clown is trying to kill us!

USHER: (Dry.) A crazy clown is after you? Oh, that's rich. Now, clear the entrance, so people with tickets can get through.

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY AND ELAINE: (Pointing at Kramer.) We're with him! We're with him!

KRAMER: Are you guys ready?

JERRY AND ELAINE: Yeah! Yeah!

KRAMER: Have you seen George?

JERRY: We thought he was with you.

ELAINE: Come on, he's on his own. Come on!

[Scene: Auditorium]
(All three are seated, waiting for the show to begin.)

KRAMER: These are great seats, huh?

ELAINE: Yeah.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone.

ELAINE: Aver Martone. I've heard of her. Who's she playing?

JERRY: She's playing Pagliacci's wife, Nedda.

ELAINE: Nedda?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Oh, my God...

(Buyer 3 enters and passes them all to his seat.)

BUYER 3: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

(Susan enters from the other side.)

JERRY: Susan! What are you doing here?

SUSAN: My friend's flight couldn't make it.

JERRY: Where's George?

BUYER 3: I got his ticket.

SUSAN: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.

JERRY: Uncomfortable? How does he think I feel? (To Buyer 3.) Hey, let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket?

BUYER 3: One seventy-five.

JERRY: Kramer, who'd you see your ticket to?

KRAMER: Some nut in a clown suit.

(The show begins as everyone applauds except Elaine and Jerry, who both look very frightened.)

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: I had some friends drag me to an opera, recently. You know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars? I mean, how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em? These opera kids, they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three twenty-five. They're wearing big, white, woolly vests. The women have, like, the breastplates, the bullet hats with horns coming out...If you can't pick these people out, forget opera. Think about optometry. Maybe that's more your thing.