[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Flordia, and if you go down there, and you forget your bathing suits, then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks, Son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits. They wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So, I get in the water with this thing and it's like floating around me, somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into someobody you don't know: "No, I'm parasailing. I'm waiting for the boat to come back."

[Scene: Seinfelds' Condo]
HELEN: (Looking out the window.) They were suppose to be her at 7:30. Call the airlines, again.

MORTY: (Searching in a drawer.) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.

HELEN: (Ibid.) Oh, I think that's them!

MORTY: Know what I'll do, next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

(Jerry and Elaine enter.)

ALL: Hi, welcome, greetings, etc.

MORTY: Welcome to Florida!

ELAINE: Hi, Mr. Seinfeld!

(Elaine hugs Morty.)

JERRY: Hey, there's the old man!

(Jerry hugs Morty.)

MORTY: So, what took you so long?

JERRY: We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.

HELEN: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.

JERRY: What's the difference?

HELEN: You could have used our car.

JERRY: I don't want to use your car.

HELEN: What's wrong with our car?

JERRY: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you want to use it?

HELEN: We don't use it.

MORTY: What are you talking? We use it.

HELEN: (To Jerry.) If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.

JERRY: So what would you do? You'd hitch?

HELEN: How much is a rent-a-car?

JERRY: I don't know. 25 bucks a day.

HELEN: What? You're crazy.

MORTY: Plus the insurance.

JERRY: Oh, I didn't get the insurance.

MORTY: How could you not get the insurance?

HELEN: We'll pay for the car.

JERRY: You're not paying for it.

HELEN: (Trying to get him to back her.) Morty.

JERRY: God, it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?

HELEN: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready?

JERRY: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?

HELEN: Of course. They're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines.

JERRY: (Dry.) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd.

ELAINE: (Looking out the window.) Ooh, you have a lake?

JERRY: The lake isn't real.

HELEN: The lake is real.

MORTY: Are you kidding? They built the lake.

HELEN: But it's real. It's water.

(Jerry and Elaine begin to take their luggage to the guest room.)

HELEN: Where are you going with those?

JERRY: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.

HELEN: Don't sleep in there. You can use the bedroom.

ELAINE: I can't take your bedroom.

HELEN: I'm up at six o'clock in the morning.

ELAINE: I can't kick you out of your bed.

HELEN: We don't even sleep.

JERRY: Ma...

HELEN: But, this is a sofa bed. You'll be uncomfortable.

JERRY: (To Morty.) What about you?

MORTY: Why should I be comfortable?

JERRY: (To Helen.) What about him?

HELEN: Don't worry, he's comfortable.

MORTY: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

HELEN: (To Morty.) Will you stop?

ELAINE: (Re: The guest room.) Yeah, I'll just stay in here.

HELEN: (Taking Jerry aside, so Elaine won't hear.) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there, together.

JERRY: No, that's not such a good idea.

HELEN: Well, I thought that...

JERRY: (Quieting.) Not now. She's right inside.

HELEN: (Quieter.) What happened?

JERRY: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.

HELEN: What does that mean?

JERRY: Well...

MORTY: (Loudly.) Why are you whispering?

JERRY: Shh! Nothing, nothing.

HELEN: Elaine...

MORTY: (Ibid.) What about her?

JERRY: (Attempts to explain it to Morty, but Elaine enters from the guest room just as he does. He quickly comes up with a conversation.) But, you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they, five years ago? It just goes to show you, you never know what...huh, you know, uh, what could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Seeing that Morty finally understands why they're whispering, Jerry goes on in a quieter voice.) We've tried all kinds of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.

MORTY: (Ibid.) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.

HELEN: (To Morty.) He's an idealist.

MORTY: What the hell are you looking for?

JERRY: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.

HELEN: He likes looking.

MORTY: So, look.

HELEN: But, how long can you look?

JERRY: I'm going for the record.

(Morty walks away with a look of discord.)

HELEN: You know, your father wouldn't sao so, but he's glad you came.

JERRY: Oh, come on.

HELEN: This is a big thing for him. Outgoing President of the Condo Association.

(Jack and his wife, Doris, neighbors, knock on the door.)

MORTY: (Answering the door.) A-ha!

DORIS: So, they arrived safely.

MORTY: (To Jerry.) You remember Jack and Doris?

JERRY: Nice to meet you. This is Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi. Nice to meet you.

JACK: So, Jerry, you came all the way down here, for this?

ELAINE: And scuba diving.

HELEN: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?

JERRY: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.

HELEN: What do you have to go scuba diving for?

JERRY: For fun.

HELEN: For fun?

MORTY: Jack, have some sponge cake.

JACK: No. Thanks, no.

MORTY: (To Jerry.) Jack is emceeing, tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing.

JACK: So, Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one of your little comedy skits, tomorrow.

JERRY: I don't think so.

JACK: No? Listen, Morty, you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods. Jack gets out a checkbook and a pen.) All right, I owe you $19.45.

MORTY: What did you have? You had the minute steak?

JACK: Yeah.

MORTY: Did you have a coke, or what?

JACK: I did not have a coke.

MORTY: Somebody had a coke.

HELEN: Oh, I had a coke.

DORIS: And the scampi.

JACK: So, that's $17.10 and the tax and the tip.

MORTY: All right. Make it 20 bucks.

JACK: (Handing him the check.) It's $19.45, Morty.

MORTY: $19.45?

JACK: (To Jerry.) See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president.

JERRY: (To Jack.) What kind of pen is that?

JACK: This pen?

JERRY: Yeah.

JACK: This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space.

JERRY: Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I hear about that. Where did you get it?

JACK: Oh, it was a gift.

JERRY: 'Cause sometimes I write in bed, and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.

JACK: (After some thought.) Take the pen.

JERRY: Oh, no.

JACK: Go ahead.

JERRY: I couldn't.

JACK: Come on, take the pen!

JERRY: I can't take it.

JACK: Do me a personal favor!

JERRY: No, I'm not--

JACK: Take the pen!

JERRY: I cannot take it!

JACK: Take the pen!

JERRY: Are you sure?

JACK: Positive. Take the pen.

JERRY: (Taking it.) Okay. Thank you, very much. Thank you. (Looking it over.) Gee, boy!

HELEN: Jack, what are you doing?

JACK: Stop it.

DORIS: Jack, we should go. (To Elaine.) It was nice meeting you.

ELAINE: Mm, nice to meet you.

JERRY: (To Jack.) Thanks, again.

JACK: (Modest.) Come on.

DORIS: (To Morty. Re: Elaine.) She's adorable.

(Jack and Doris exit.)

HELEN: (As soon as the door is closed.) What did you take his pen for?

JERRY: What? He gave it to me.

HELEN: You didn't have to take it.

MORTY: Oh, my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.

JERRY: He offered it to me.

HELEN: Because you made such a big fuss about it.

JERRY: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?

HELEN: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do?

JERRY: He could have said, "Thank you, I like it, too." and put it back in his pocket.

HELEN: He loves that pen.

MORTY: (To Helen.) Oh, come on.

HELEN: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down; how the astronauts use it.

JERRY: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it.

HELEN: He didn't think you'd accept.

JERRY: Well, he was wrong.

HELEN: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it, right now.

JERRY: So, you want me to return it?

HELEN: Yes.

MORTY: He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous.

JERRY: Hey, I don't even want the pen, now!

MORTY: Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for $19.45. He didn't have a coke. Ho, ho, ho!

ELAINE: Here, let me see it. (Takes up a pad to try the pen out.) Hey, it writes upside down.

[Scene: Seinfelds' Guest Room]
(Elaine is on the sofa bed. It's so hot that she can't seem to fall asleep. Jerry knocks on the door.)

ELAINE: Come in.

JERRY: (Entering.) Are you okay in here?

ELAINE: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?

JERRY: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tomorrow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.

ELAINE: Oh, man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me.

JERRY: Oh, you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.

ELAINE: I am never gonna fall asleep.

JERRY: Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me.

ELAINE: How can they not put the air conditioning on?

JERRY: They're nuts with temperature.

ELAINE: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.

JERRY: How about that guy writing a check for $19.45?

ELAINE: I'm sweating, here. I'm in bed. Sweating.

JERRY: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean, you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (Snaps fingers.)

[Scene: Seinfelds' Condo]
MORTY: Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put your blinker on, immediately--there's an abutment, there. Then you're gonna merge over, very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me?

JERRY: Stay on Biscayne.

HELEN: You're going underwater?

JERRY: Yes. Generally, that's where scuba diving is done.

HELEN: What do you have to go underwater for? What'd down there that's so special?

JERRY: What's so special up here?

(Elaine enters from the guest room. Her neck and back are stiff, and she walks like she's in pain.)

ELAINE: Oh!

(Everyone gets up and walks to her.)

HELEN: What's the matter?

ELAINE: My back.

HELEN: What happened?

ELAINE: That...that bed. The bar was right in my back.

HELEN: (To Jerry.) I told you to let us sleep in there.

JERRY: Then you would be hunched over.

ELAINE: I don't even know if I can go scuba diving.

JERRY: You can't go?

HELEN: So, stay home.

ELAINE: (To Jerry.) You can go.

JERRY: Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here.

HELEN: Don't go.

JERRY: You sure?

MORTY: Maybe you should see a doctor.

JERRY: We'll stay in a hotel, tonight.

ELAINE: (Whispering to Jerry.) Yes!

HELEN: No, we'll stay in there.

JERRY: Why don't you get a new sofa?

MORTY: Nobody uses it.

JERRY: I'm buying you a new sofa.

HELEN: Oh, Jerry, don't talk crazy.

ELAINE: Mrs. Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.

HELEN: You're hot?

ELAINE: I've lost six pounds.

HELEN: I don't even know how to work it.

MORTY: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.

(Evelyn, a neighbor, enters.)

EVELYN: Is everybody up?

JERRY: Hi. How are you?

EVELYN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Evelyn, this is Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi, Evelyn.

EVELYN: Jerry, you got thin.

JERRY: Too thin?

HELEN: Oh, stop worrying so much about how you look.

EVELYN: So, where's the new pen?

(Everyone is surprised by the question.)

JERRY: What?

EVELYN: The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you.

HELEN: How did you know that?

EVELYN: Blanche told me.

HELEN: Blanche?

EVELYN: That's some good pen. It writes upside down.

ELAINE: The astronauts use them.

HELEN: What did Blanche say?

EVELYN: I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen.

JERRY: I never really wanted the pen.

MORTY: He gave him the pen.

HELEN: (Chiding.) Morty.

EVELYN: Why don't you like the pen?

JERRY: No, no. I...

EVELYN: 'Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him.

HELEN: Is that what she said?

EVELYN: Who?

HELEN: Blanche.

EVELYN: What are you talking about?

(The telephone rings. Helen answers it.)

HELEN: Hello? Oh, hello, Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean, nobody put a gun to his head. (To Jerry.) You're giving him back that pen. (Continues to talk, inaudibly, on the phone.)

ELAINE: Somebody, please--the air conditioner!

MORTY: (Getting up to turn on the A.C.) Oh! I forgot all about it.

(Helen hangs up and gives Jerry a sour look.)

JERRY: All I said was I like the pen.

MORTY: (Re: Air conditioner.) How the hell do you work this thing?

[Scene: Seinfelds' Condo]
(Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor while Morty and Helen are on the couch. Helen is wearing a sweater--she's freezing.)

HELEN: Maybe you shouldn't go, tonight.

ELAINE: No, no. I want to go.

HELEN: But, your back hurts.

MORTY: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help.

ELAINE: Oh, oh. Okay. (Helen holds her arms close against her body.) You can turn down the air conditioning, if you want.

HELEN: No, I'm fine.

ELAINE: You're not too cold?

HELEN: No.

(Jerry enters with a pair of black eyes.)

JERRY: Don't be alarmed.

MORTY: Oh, my God! What the hell happened to you?

JERRY: I'm okay. My capillaries burst.

HELEN: Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like?

JERRY: (To Elaine.) How are you doing?

ELAINE: Having a good time!

JERRY: Is it my imagination, or is it freezing in here?

HELEN: What happened to your eyes?

JERRY: Well, I started to go under...

HELEN: With the instructor?

JERRY: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.

HELEN: I told you...

(Jack enters.)

JACK: Excuse me. (To Helen.) Doris would like to borrow your red pocketbook to go with her shoes. (To Elaine.) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (To the others.) What's she doing? Yoga?

ELAINE: My back hurts.

JACK: Morty, you gotta hurry up. Get ready.

MORTY: We got plenty of time.

JACK: (To Jerry.) What happened to you?

JERRY: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.

HELEN: It's from scuba diving.

JACK: What's there to see underwater?

(Helen gives Jerry an encouraging face--she wants him to give the pen back.)

JERRY: Listen, Mr. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it.

JACK: You what?

JERRY: I mean, it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it.

JACK: Well, I mean...

JERRY: Take it.

JACK: (Smiling, he takes it back.) All right!

MORTY: You know, Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen.

JACK: Whose pen?

MORTY: His pen.

JACK: This happens to be my pen.

MORTY: You didn't give it to him?

JACK: What are you talking about? He practically begged me for it.

MORTY: Where do you come off with this crap?

JACK: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake, yesterday. Did I take it?

MORTY: You said you didn't want it!

JACK: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!

MORTY: Then, who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean, what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?

JACK: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!

MORTY: Ahh! Ahh! So, you got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it.

JACK: Don't worry about it. I'll give it back.

MORTY: I don't want it!

JACK: I don't want it!

MORTY: You know, Jack, do me a favor, will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here!

JACK: Listen, do you think I give a damn?

MORTY: Aah! (Jack exits.) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well, that's it for them.

JERRY: What is going on in this community?! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?

HELEN: I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there, tonight.

JERRY: Isn't he suppose to be the emcee?

MORTY: Yeah. He's suppose to be the emcee.

JERRY: Well. This should be a very interesting evening.

ELAINE: (Still on the floor.) Uh...what about those muscle relaxers?

[Scene: Reception Room]
(Jerry, Morty, Helen and Elaine are all standing for a photograph. Jerry is wearing a pair of big, dark sunglasses, whereas Elaine is seriously drugged-up on the muscle relaxers. She spends most of the scene laughing idiotically.)

PHOTOGRAPHER: Say, astronaut!

(Elaine, laughing for no reason, walks right up to the camera lens.)

ELAINE: Say what?...Say what?

JERRY: (Grabbing Elaine and bringing her back.) You took too many of those pills.

MORTY: Astronaut?

HELEN: Say it.

ALL: Astronaut!

ELAINE: Astro...naut!

(The image freezes into what the picture looks like. It's terrible.)

MORTY: Good. Okay. What about last year, when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you?

JERRY: (Seeing Uncle Leo entering with his wife, Stella.) Oh, God. (To Leo.) Uncle Leo.

LEO: Hello!

STELLA: Morty, are you nervous?

MORTY: What, nervous?

LEO: (To Jerry.) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?

JERRY: I've got a black eye.

STELLA: (To Elaine.) Hello.

JERRY: Elaine, this is my aunt, Stella.

ELAINE: (A la Stanley Kowalski.) Stella! Stella!

JERRY: (To Stella.) Her back hurts.

STELLA: Hmm...We saw you on the Tonight Show, last week.

LEO: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.

JERRY: No, no.

LEO: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times, already.

ELAINE: (Ibid.) Stella! Stella!

LEO: Listen, you should get your cousin, Jeffrey, to write some material for you.

MORTY: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the Park's department.

LEO: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris.) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down.

STELLA: (To Helen.) This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.

HELEN: (Laughs congenially until Stella walks away.) I hate her like poison.

(Someone in the crowd yells out, "Jack, let's get started!" and everyone applauds. Everyone gets into their places on-stage. From left to right is Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack [at the microphone], Doris and four other people.)

JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, phase two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld. (The crowd applauds and someone yells out Morty's name.) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan.

MORTY: (To Helen.) Slept on the job?

JACK: Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard wor, dedication and commitment; and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (The crowd laughs.)

HELEN: (To Morty.) He's joking.

JACK: His administration did excel in one department: the hiring of incompetents.

MORTY: (Loud.) That's what you say.

JACK: But we do owe him a debt of gratitude, because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs. Ziven out of commission for a few weeks.

(Everyone but Morty laughs.)

MORTY: (Ibid.) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that!

(Morty gets up.)

JERRY: Dad!

MORTY: He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that!

JACK: He gave it to me!

MORTY: Come on. That's enough, sit down.

JACK: I'm not sitting down!

(They begin to fight. Morty yells for jack to give the pen back as Jerry gets up and separates the two. Feedback sounds from the microphone as they stop.)

JACK: Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Morty reaches into Jack's pocket for the pen as Jack is holding his jaw.) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you.

(Jack and Morty walk off, still in arguement, leaving Jerry at the microphone. The crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.)

HELEN: Jerry, do your act.

JERRY: I can't. Nobody's even listening.

HELEN: They're all gonna leave.

JERRY: Oh, God. (In the microphone.) Huh...Hey! How you folks doing, tonight? (A man in the crowd yells out, "Who are you?") Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?

WOMAN: (Calling out from the crowd.) Not my Harry. He flies first class!

JERRY: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut?

MAN: (Calling out from the crowd.) I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!

HELEN: (To Jerry.) Do the dog routine.

JERRY: (In the microphone.) All I said was I liked the pen!

ELAINE: (Yelling out, very loud.) Stella!

[Scene: Seinfelds' Condo]
(A chiropractor examines Elaine.)

CHIROPRACTOR: You could aggravate it. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days.

ELAINE: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?

JERRY: There must be some mistake.

CHIROPRACTOR: I'm afraid not.

ELAINE: (Discouraged.) Five days. Here.

HELEN: (To Jerry, cheerful.) So, we have you for five more days!

JERRY: (To Elaine.) Well, there's really no point in me staying. I mean, you're just gonna be...

ELAINE: Excuse me?

JERRY: Nothing.

(Evelyn enters.)

EVELYN: Good morning.

JERRY: Hi, Evelyn.

EVELYN: (To Helen.) Has Morty decided on a lawyer, yet?

HELEN: I don't think so.

EVELYN: Because my nephew, Larry, could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case.

HELEN: I'll ask him when he gets up.

EVELYN: Oh, and I spoke to Arnold, and he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to.

(Morty enters from the guest room. He's in bad shape.)

MORTY: Aw! Aw! Oh, my back! Oh, my back! It's that bar...who the hell could sleep on that thing?

HELEN: I was very comfortable.

EVELYN: Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out.

HELEN: It's in the constitution.

MORTY: (To the chiropractor.) Who are you?

CHIROPRACTOR: I'm a chiropractor.

MORTY: What, are you kidding me?

ELAINE: (To Jerry.) Five more days?

JERRY: Well, today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday, we're leaving. It's like two days, really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (Snaps his fingers.)

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: Is Florida hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean, if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old, retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there, on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head, going, "Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying to get a sweat going."