Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: September 16, 1992 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Heidi Swedberg (as Susan Ross), Peter Crombie (as "Crazy" Joe Divola), Bob Balaban (as Russell Dalrymple), and Stephen McHattie (as Dr. Reston).

NOTE: The following script is not complete. Scenes involving Kramer and Elaine were interspersed through.

[Setting: Comedy club bar]

(Jerry and George are talking. Two NBC executives, Stu and Jay, enter)

STU: Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC.

JERRY: Hi.

STU: Could we speak for a few moments?

JERRY: Sure, sure.

JAY: Hi, Jay Crespi.

JERRY: Hello.

GEORGE: C-R-E-S-P-I?

JAY: That's right.

GEORGE: I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name.

JAY: Mm, I'm not -

JERRY: George.

GEORGE: (Backing off) Huh? Alright, fine.

STU: First of all, that was a terrific show.

JERRY; Oh, thank you very much.

STU: And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something.

JERRY: Really? Wow.

STU: So, if you have an idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, we'd just lvoe to talk about it.

JERRY: I'd be very interested in something like that.

STU: Well, here, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop a series.

(The go to exit)

JERRY: Okay, great. Thanks.

STU: It was very nice meeting you.

JERRY: Thank you.

JAY: Nice meeting you.

JERRY: Nice meeting you.

(George returns)

GEORGE: What was that all about?

JERRY: They said they were interested in me.

GEORGE: For what?

JERRY: You know, a TV show.

GEORGE: Your own show?

JERRY: Yeah, I guess so.

GEORGE: They want you to do a TV show?

JERRY: Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.

GEORGE: Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea: You coach a gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics.

JERRY: Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?

GEORGE: Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.

JERRY: But gymnastics is not for everybody.

GEORGE: I know, but he's your son.

JERRY: So what?

GEORGE: Alright, forget that idea. it's not for you.. Okay, okay, I got it, I got it. You run an antique store.

JERRY: Yeah, and..?

GEORGE: And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.

JERRY: What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: So, someone comes in to buy an old lamp, and all of the sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist, because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.

GEORGE: I know, but antiques are very popular right now.

JERRY: No, they're not. They used to be.

GEORGE: Oh yeah, like you know.

JERRY: Oh, like you do.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer's pitching a show idea to Jerry)

KRAMER: ..And you're the manager of the circus.

JERRY: A circus?

KRAMER: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache. I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a woman with a moustache? You've got the tallest man in the world.. the guy who's just a head.

JERRY: I don't think so.

KRAMER: Look, Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.

JERRY: I don't think the network will go for it.

KRAMER: Why not?

JERRY: Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks.

KRAMER: Oh, come on, Jerry. You're wrong. People - they want to watch freaks. This is a can't miss.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: The coffee shop]

(Jerry and George enter)

GEORGE: So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything?

JERRY: No, nothing.

GEORGE: Why don't they have salsa on the table?

JERRY: What do you need salsa for?

GEORGE: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.

JERRY: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa". "Excuse me, do you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?"

GEORGE: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angerly imitates a Spanish accent) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa."

JERRY: (Joins in) "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa? You have the seltzer after the salsa!"

GEORGE: See, this should be the show. This is the show.

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: This. Just talking.

JERRY: (Dismissing the idea) Yeah, right.

GEORGE: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.

JERRY: Just talking? What's the show about?

GEORGE: It's about nothing.

JERRY: No story?

GEORGE: No, forget the story.

JERRY: You've got to have a story.

GEORGE: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for that table at that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show.

JERRY: And who is on the show? Who are the characters?

GEORGE: I could be a character.

JERRY: You?

GEORGE: You could base a character on me.

JERRY: So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza?

GEORGE: Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know you're a quite a character."

JERRY: And who else is on the show?

GEORGE: Elaine could be a character. Kramer..

JERRY: Now he's a character. (Pause) So everyone I know is a character on the show.

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: And it's about nothing?

GEORGE: Absolutely nothing.

JERRY: So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing.

GEORGE: We go into NBC.

JERRY: "We"? Since when are you a writer?

GEORGE: (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com.

JERRY: You want to go with me to NBC?

GEORGE: Yeah. I think we really go something here.

JERRY: What do we got?

GEORGE: An idea.

JERRY: What idea?

GEORGE: An idea for the show.

JERRY: I still don't know what the idea is.

GEORGE: It's about nothing. JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.

JERRY: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing.

GEORGE: Exactly.

JERRY: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."

GEORGE: There you go.

(A moment passes)

JERRY: (Nodding) I think you may have something there.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer)

JERRY: So, it would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you.

KRAMER: (Thinks) No, I don't think so.

JERRY: What do you mean you don't think so?

KRAMER: I don't like it.

JERRY: I don't understand. What don't you like about it?

KRAMER: I don't like the idea of a character based on me.

JERRY: Why not?

KRAMER: Doesn't sit well.

JERRY: You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.

KRAMER: That's your problem, buddy.

JERRY: I don't understand what the big deal is.

KRAMER: Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition.

JERRY: Whatever you want.

KRAMER: I get to play Kramer.

JERRY: You can't play Kramer.

KRAMER: I am Kramer.

JERRY: But you can't act.

(Scen ends)
[Setting: NBC reception area)

(Jerry and George are waiting)

JERRY: (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter?

GEORGE: (Nervous) Nothing.

JERRY: You sure? You look a little pale.

GEORGE: No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.

JERRY: What, are you nervous?

GEORGE: No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this!

JERRY: What?

GOERGE: I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible.

JERRY: This was your idea!

GEORGE: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you'd listen to me.

JERRY: Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives.

GEORGE: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.

JERRY: I told you not to come.

GEORGE: I need some water. I gotta get some water.

JERRY: They'll give us water inside.

GEORGE: Really? That's pretty goood..

(A receptionist enters)

RECEPTIONIST: They're ready for you.

GEORGE: Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?

JERRY: Relax. Who are they?

GEORGE: Yeah, they're not better than me.

JERRY: Course not.

GEORGE: Who are they?

JERRY: They're nobody.

GEORGE: What about me?

JERRY: What about you?

GEORGE: Why them? Why not me?

JERRY: Why not you?

GEORGE: I'm as good as them.

JERRY: Better.

GEORGE: You really think so?

JERRY: No.

(The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view, four executives stand up)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: NBC president's office]

(stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple, the head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George)

STU: (To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny.

GEORGE: The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu.

JERRY: Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

RUSSELL: What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know?

GEORGE: (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.

JERRY: Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name?

GEORGE: Pepe.

JERRY: Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales.

SUSAN: Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?

GEORGE: No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.

RUSSELL: So, what have you two come up with?

JERRY: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-

GEORGE: (Interrupting) May I?

JERRY: Go ahead.

GEORGE: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: NOTHING.

RUSSELL: Nothing?

GEORGE: (Smiling) Nothing.

RUSSELL: (Unimpressed) What does that mean?

GEORGE: The show is about nothing.

JERRY: (To George) Well, it's not about nothing.

GEORGE: (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.

JERRY: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.

(Jerry and George glare at eachother. The receptionist enters)

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the phone.

RUSSELL: I'll call back.

(Receptionist leaves)

GEORGE: (Attempting to spell his last name) D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L?

RUSSELL: (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close.

GEORGE: Is it with a "y"?

RUSSELL: No.

SUSAN: what's the premise?

JERRY: ..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.

GEORGE: yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, you go shopping.

RUSSELL: You read? You read on the show?

JERRY: Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading.

RUSSELL: Alright, tell me, tell me aobut the stories. What kind of stories?

GEORGE: Oh, no. No stories.

RUSSELL: No stories? So, what is it?

GEORGE: (Showing an example) What'd you do today?

RUSSELL: I got up and came to work.

GEORGE: There's a show. That's a show.

RUSSELL: (Confused) How is that a show?

JERRY: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work.

GEORGE: No, no, no. Nothing happens.

JERRY: Well, something happens.

RUSSELL: Well, why am I watching it?

GEORGE: Because it's on TV.

RUSSELL: (Threatening) Not yet.

GEORGE: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, will not compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right?

(A moment passes)

JERRY: (To Russell) How about this: I manage a circus..