[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: So, I move into the center lane--now I get ahead of this woman who felt, for some reason, I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. (Shows his fingers to the audience.) It's a finger. What does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad? Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really. Couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe. You've gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive. Get it up and, uh, (Pretends to drive with a foot out the window.) "Look at that toe, buddy." (Puts his foot down.) I mean, that's really insulting; to get the toe. Isn't it?

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: (Packing.) Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. That's it. Done!

ELAINE: (Claps.) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.

JERRY: (Proudly.) I am...the masterpacker.

ELAINE: (Laughs.) Yeah, right. You're the masterpacker.

JERRY: What you must understand, Elaine, packing is no different than leading men into battle: you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.

ELAINE: 'Scuse me, Masterpacker?

JERRY: Yes?

ELAINE: Just gimme your keys.

JERRY: All right, sir. (The intercom buzzes. Jerry answers it.) George?

GEORGE: (Outside.) Yeah.

(Jerry lets him up.)

ELAINE: Okay, so, now. Is there anything else I need to know about this place?

JERRY: Uh, yeah, the uhh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.

ELAINE: Okay. This is quite a place.

JERRY: There's more. The refrigerator: deduct a minimum of two days of all expiration dates. No meat, no leftovers, no butter. And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?

ELAINE: I'll eat out.

JERRY: One more thing, Benes. Regarding sexual activity: strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favor; do it in the tub.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: Ready?

JERRY: Yeah, one sec.

GEORGE: Hey, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hi.

GEORGE: Coming to the airport with us?

ELAINE: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a break from my roommate.

GEORGE: Oh, the actress/waitress.

ELAINE: No, the waitress/actress. She just got some part in some dinner-theater production of A Chorus Line. So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing. (Sings.) "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it." She's gonna get it right in her...

GEORGE: Why don't you just kick her out.

ELAINE: She's on the lease! George, you have got to find another place for me.

GEORGE: Yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price range. (Turns to Jerry.) But you, my friend, may be in luck.

JERRY: I'm not looking.

GEORGE: No, no, no. This one's different, this one's a beauty!

JERRY: Yeah? What's it like?

GEORGE: I haven't seen it, yet, but it's a two-bedroom. It's on the, uh, West 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park.

JERRY: How much?

GEORGE: Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great building! It's two bedrooms!

JERRY: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives a sour look as Jerry turns around.) I saw that.

ELAINE: You oughtta least take a look at it.

JERRY: Really? Why?

ELAINE: 'Cause then I could move in here.

JERRY: Ohh

ELAINE: It's time you got out of here, anyway.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, tell him. But quickly, I'm double-parked here.

ELAINE: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...

GEORGE: Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on here for ten years; no human can turn this off.

ELAINE: Jerry, come on, you're doing okay, now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.

JERRY: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here.

ELAINE: Well, for me, it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.

GEORGE: Jerry, what do ya...you wanna? You wanna see the place or not?

JERRY: I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry returns from his trip.)

JERRY: Elaine! (Sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his T.V., only to notice the T.V. is missing.) Elaine!

ELAINE: (From the bathroom.) Jerry? (Enters living room.) Jerry, oh, hi. Welcome back. How were the shows?

JERRY: Great, I had fun. Where's the T.V.? Where's the VCR? (Elaine gives a guilty look.) What?

ELAINE: They were stolen.

JERRY: Stolen?! When?

ELAINE: A couple of hours ago. The police are coming right over.

JERRY: Stolen?

(Kramer enters.)

ELAINE: (Giving Kramer a sour look.) Someone left the door open.

JERRY: (To Kramer.) You left the door open?

KRAMER: Uh, Jer, well, ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back.

JERRY: Wait. You left the lock open or the door open?

KRAMER: The door.

JERRY: The door?! You left the door open?!

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.

JERRY: Yeah, and?

KRAMER: Well, I got caught up...watching a soap opera. The Bold and the Beautiful.

JERRY: So, the door was wide open?

KRAMER: Wide open!

JERRY: (To Elaine.) And where were you?

ELAINE: I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to heat up.

KRAMER: Look, Jerry, I'm sorry. I'm uh, you have insurance, right, Buddy?

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: How can you not have insurance?

JERRY: Because...I spent my money on the Clapco D-29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: the door...(Shuts the door.) must be closed!

KRAMER: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it. I'm on the case, Buddy. I'm on the case!

JERRY: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back. It was an accident.

KRAMER: I made a mistake.

ELAINE: These things happen

KRAMER: I'm human

JERRY: In your way.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
POLICEMAN: Let's see, that's uh, one T.V., a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that about it?

ELAINE: Answering machine.

JERRY: (Disappointed.) Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of somebody, out there, returning my calls.

POLICEMAN: What do ya mean?

JERRY: It's a joke...

POLICEMAN: (Unamused.) I see. Well, Mister Seinfeld, uh, we'll look into it and uh, we'll let you know if we, uh, you know, if we find anything.

JERRY: You ever find anything?

POLICEMAN: (Hands Jerry a copy of the report.) No.

JERRY: Well, thanks, anyway.

POLICEMAN: You bet.

(The policeman leaves as George enters.)

ELAINE: I didn't get that joke, either.

JERRY: The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him; he's the crook. Why would he answer...? (To George.) How did you get in here?

GEORGE: (Pantomimes a genie granting a wish.) I walked in. Your lobby door is broken, again.

JERRY: Again?

GEORGE: I don't know how you put up with this.

ELAINE: Yeah, tell him, George.

JERRY: (To Elaine.) You would still want to move in here?

ELAINE: Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel Merman--without the talent.

JERRY: (To George.) Is that uh, other apartment still available?

(George flashes a pair of keys.)

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: I got ripped off for about the...18th time. And, now, the first couple of times you go through it, it's very upsetting, and your first reaction, or one of your friends will say, "Call the police. You really should call the police." So you think to yourself, ya know, you watch T.V., you think, "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right? You think that. So, the police come over to your house. They fill out the report...they give you your copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you? It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers, anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a penguin. We can find him, he's a penguin!"

[Scene: West 83rd Street Apartment]
ELAINE: (Looks around.) Oh, well, come on...this is an apartment. This is a home. This is a place to live...Ohh, a fireplace. Are you kidding me?! Does this work?

GEORGE: I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this is incredible.

JERRY: How do you get all that wood in here?

ELAINE: They deliver it.

JERRY: They deliver wood?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: What do ya tip a wood guy?

GEORGE: (Looking at a form.) I didn't know there was a fireplace.

ELAINE: Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden!

GEORGE: A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!

JERRY: Would I have to get a gardner?

ELAINE: Yeah, you can get a gardner.

JERRY: You tip him?

ELAINE: You can.

GEORGE: (To Elaine.) You don't tip a gardner!

ELAINE: You can tip a gardner.

GEORGE: You don't need a gardner.

ELAINE: Jerry, you can barbecue back here.

JERRY: They deliver the coal?

ELAINE: Sure, it's...probably the same guy who delivers the wood.

JERRY: Oh, then I gotta tip him.

ELAINE: Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light!

JERRY: I don't have any plants.

GEORGE: I have plants.

ELAINE: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking in it! (Walks into the closet.) It's a walk-in. Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?

JERRY: (Closes the closet while Elaine's still in it.) I like that. (Opens the closet. Elaine walks out with a sour look.) What do ya think, George?

GEORGE: It's your decision.

JERRY: (Walks around with Elaine copying his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not able to copy this, and they look at each other, laughing.) I'm takin' it! I'm takin' the place. I'm gonna take it. This is gonna be my new place! I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.

ELAINE: (Laughing with joy.) Your movin'? That means I'm movin'! (Hugs Jerry. To George.) Isn't that incredible!

GEORGE: Congratulations.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
ELAINE: What about the couch?

JERRY: You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine's shocked, Jerry opens the door.) Get it out of here, right now. Take it out the door, I don't even wanna see it. Go, get it out.

ELAINE: $150 dollars? $150 dollars for what? For this couch?

JERRY: Yeah!

ELAINE: For this couch?!

JERRY: (Shuts the door.) Okay, you tell me, what is it worth?

ELAINE: Okay, uhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as, uh, I don't know, maybe...20 dollars?

JERRY: (Gives and incredulous look as the intercom buzzes; he answers it.) Yeah?

GEORGE: (Through the intercom.) Yeah, it's George.

JERRY: Come on up. (Lets George up. To Elaine.) Oh, all right, forget it. I'm gonna take it with me now...I'm just gonna pack up the cushions, right now.

ELAINE: Okay, okay, okay, okay. You win. 40 dollars.

JERRY: (Grabs one end of the couch.) You wanna get the other end? 'Cause I wanna get it in the hall.

ELAINE: 50 dollars, okay? 50 dollars, is that all right?

JERRY: 50 dollars?

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

JERRY: Thank you, very much.

ELAINE: Thank you, very much.

GEORGE: (Enters, closing the door behind him.) Hey, what's goin' on?

ELAINE: I just bought Jerry's couch for 50 dollars.

JERRY: (To George.) So, did you bring the lease? (George hands the lease to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.

GEORGE: (Quickly.) Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all, do not feel like you have to take it.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take it, ya know.

JERRY: You could take it? You want it?

GEORGE: No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.

JERRY: So you do want it.

GEORGE: No I, I want it if you don't want it!

JERRY: You just said you wanted it!

GEORGE: No, I'm saying if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.

JERRY: (Hands lease to George.) So take it.

GEORGE: (Refuses.) How can I take it?!

JERRY: How can I take it?

GEORGE: It's your apartment!

JERRY: How can I want it, now, if you want it?

ELAINE: Excuse me, uhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble here, but, George, if you take it, can I take your place?

GEORGE: Yes, but I am not taking it.

JERRY: (Dropping the lease.) I...am not taking it.

ELAINE: (Bitter.) Well, one of you better damn well take it.

JERRY: (To George.) Well, what do you wanna do, here?

GEORGE: I, I don't know.

JERRY: Do you wanna flip a coin?

GEORGE: Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.

JERRY: Okay, fine...(Takes out a coin.) This is the official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all, and that's it, agreed?

GEORGE: I'm good.

ELAINE: I don't know, who to root for. George's place has carpeting.

JERRY: All right, now, you call it in the air.

GEORGE: No catchin'.

JERRY: No, no.

GEORGE: Flip it. (Jerry flips the coin.) Heads! (The coin hits the table, and falls on the floor.)

JERRY: Tails!

GEORGE: No, it hit the table, it hit the table!

JERRY: So what?

GEORGE: Interference! You can't count that! Come on! Are you crazy?! The coin can not touch anything. It affects it!

JERRY: You didn't call no interference!

GEORGE: You don't have to call that! That's a rule!

JERRY: I don't believe this.

GEORGE: Oh, oh, oh. All right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it!

JERRY: I don't wanna win it like this. Elaine, what do ya think?

ELAINE: I'd better not...

JERRY: Well, I'll tell ya what, I'll choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes. That's it, you gotta win three.

GEORGE: Okay...okay. I'll choose you. What do ya want?

JERRY: Odds.

GEORGE: I want evens.

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: You got odds.

JERRY You got evens.

GEORGE: Right, ready.

JERRY: For the apartment.

JERRY AND GEORGE: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Mine!

JERRY AND GEORGE: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Mine!

JERRY AND GEORGE: Once, twice, three, shoot!

GEORGE: Mine!

JERRY AND GEORGE: Once, twice, three, shoot!

(Jerry wins. Elaine starts to measure Jerry's couch.)

GEORGE: Congratulations...congratulations.

JERRY: Thanks.

(George walks to the bathroom and closes the door.)

GEORGE: (Screaming.) Why did I put up two?! Why did I put up two?!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Jerry, I think I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the English man who lives down the hall?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: The last couple a days he's been acting very strange; I think he's avoiding me.

JERRY: Hard to imagine.

KRAMER: Yeah! And get this, I just got off the elevator with him, and I tested him. I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, (Pantomimes a mellow state.) I went, "Oh, by the way, I now about the stuff."

JERRY: Right.

KRAMER: Ya know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me into his confidence.

ELAINE: So, what did he say?

KRAMER: "What stuff?".

JERRY: Ohh, case closed.

KRAMER: No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tea...if I don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the police.

JERRY: (Looks at his watch.) Okay, starting...now!

KRAMER: Yeah!

(Kramer exits, running.)

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them say, "I got the front seat" "I wanted the front seat!" "I called it." And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law, it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." And the judge would go, "Did he call it?" "Well no, he didn't call..." Bang! "He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled".

[Scene: Monk's Diner]
GEORGE: (Coming back from bathroom.) I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is; I look terrific in that mirror. (Sits down.) I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.

JERRY: It's a good mirror...So, what are ya getting?

GEORGE: I don't know, I can't eat. Ya, ya can't have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this: eggs, out. Coffee, out. French fries, out. BLT, out. I go to visit my grandparents: three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them, "How can you eat that stuff?"...I'm so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.

JERRY: Oh, right, forget it, forget it. I'm not taking the place.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: How can I live there?

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: Look at you, you're still thinking about it. I'll never feel comfortable.

GEORGE: Oh, get out a here.

JERRY: How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there, moping.

GEORGE: Mope?

JERRY: You're already moping! Would you take the place?

GEORGE: No, impossible! It's your apartment.

JERRY: You found the place.

GEORGE: You won the choose.

JERRY: All right, forget it, it's over. I'm not moving.

GEORGE: Well, me, neither.

JERRY: Definitely?

GEORGE: Definitely.

JERRY: Oh, then just get rid of it. You won't have any problem.

GEORGE: No, it's not a problem. I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon.

(The waitress, Carol, approaches.)

CAROL: What apartment?

GEORGE: Oh, it's a great place, it's uh, two bedroom uh, West 83rd. 'Bout half block from the park.

CAROL: What's the rent?

[Scene: West 83rd Street Apartment]
(Carol bought the place. Jerry, Elaine and George are on the couch, waiting out a painful party.)

GEORGE: I don't know what we're doin' here, this is ridiculous.

JERRY: She wanted to thank us for the apartment.

ELAINE: I can't believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch. (Slaps Jerry on the leg.)

JERRY: If only the coin hadn't hit the table.

GEORGE: The table is interference, you know it!

JERRY: It is not!

GEORGE: It is too!

ELAINE: My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carousel.

CAROL: Hi!

GEORGE: Hi, Carol.

CAROL: I just wanted to introduce you to my husband. This is Larry. (To Larry.) This is George, Elaine and Jerry. These are the guys who got us the apartment.

LARRY: Oh, you don't know how grateful I am. If there's anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so thrilled with this place.

CAROL: It's a dream.

LARRY: I'm running in the park, now. I've lost weight, we're barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.

GEORGE: We're really glad for ya.

ELAINE: Couldn't be happier.

JERRY: It's wonderful.

CAROL: Diane. Diane, come here. (A woman approaches.) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane. (To Diane.) These are the guys who turned this place down. Can you believe it? (To Jerry, Elaine and George.) Diane gave me the greatest backrub today. She's a masseuse!

DIANE: How, how could you guys have turned this place down?! It's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.

GEORGE: We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes.

DIANE: Well, it was nice to meet you.

GEORGE: Nice meeting you.

(Carol and Diane walk away.)

JERRY: How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh, buying a new T.V. and smashing it over my head.

(Two men are standing behind the couch, talking.)

RIGHT MAN: I get a call from Gilmore this morning and, get this, they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I gotta be there on the first of the month.

LEFT MAN: Really? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment?

RIGHT GUY: Well, what can I do? Give it up.

JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE: What's the rent?