Written by: Alec Burg, Jeff Schaffer, and Dan O' Keefe Directed by: Andy Ackerman Broadcasted: December 18, 1997 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston (as Tim Whatley), Karen Fineman (as Gwen), Estelle Harris (as Estelle), Kevin McDonald (as Denim Vest), Jerry Stiller (as Frank), and Daniel Von Bargen (as Kruger).

[Setting: Tim Whatley's apartment]

ELAINE: So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?

JERRY: Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.

(Elaine laughs, Whatley enters)

TIM: Hey! Happy Chanukah!

JERRY: Hey, Tim. Great party.

(Tim holds up a mistletoe)

TIM: (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?

ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) eh.

TIM: (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)

TIM: (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera)

ELAINE: This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.

GEORGE: I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves)

ELAINE: Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.

JERRY: You have a standard fake?

ELAINE: Mm-hmm.

JERRY: (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.

ELAINE: (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)

DENIM VEST: Hi!

(Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman)

JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry.

WOMAN: Hi. JERRY: You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.

(Scene cuts to Elaine)

ELAINE: Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons

DENIM VEST: They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time?

ELAINE: Why don't I give you my phone number?

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Coffee Shop]

(George enters)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?

GEORGE: Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.

JERRY: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?

GEORGE: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: "We don't care, and it shows."

JERRY: (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?

GEORGE: Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.

JERRY: See? You give, and you get.

GEORGE: (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?

JERRY: Oh, that's nice.

GEORGE: I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"

JERRY: To a children's charity!

GEORGE: Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey!

JERRY: Hey.

(Waitress moves tward the table)

ELAINE: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.

JERRY: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?

ELAINE: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.

JERRY: What does that mean?

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub.

(George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.

ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?

GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it..

JERRY: When George was growing up..

GEORGE: (Interrupting) Jerry, No!

JERRY: His father..

GEORGE: No!

JERRY: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.

ELAINE: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

GEORGE: (pleading) Alright..

JERRY: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?

(Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do so)

GEORGE: Jerry! Stop it!

JERRY: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?

(Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)

GEORGE: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine is digging into her purse)

ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!

JERRY: So?

ELAINE: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!

JERRY: No, you walk out.

ELAINE: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.

JERRY: No, you wait for the movie!

ELAINE: (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.

JERRY: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.

KRAMER: (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!

JERRY: So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?

ELAINE: That's a good idea.

(Kramer's cordless phone rings, startling him. He digs through his coat, and pulls it out of the pocket)

KRAMER: (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.

JERRY: What strike?

KRAMER: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.

JERRY: You?

ELAINE: Worked?

JERRY: Bagels?

KRAMER: Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.

ELAINE: Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.

ELAINE: What were your.. demands?

KRAMER: Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.

ELAINE: I believe that's the new minimum wage.

KRAMER: Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)

JERRY: Why didn't you ever mention this?

KRAMER: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends)
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

(Kramer walks through the door)

KRAMER: All right, everybody! I'm back!

MANAGER: Who are you?

KRAMER: Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over.

MANAGER: Oh yeah! Kramer.

KRAMER: Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?

MANAGER: NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago.

KRAMER: Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for..

MANAGER: I could use someone for the holidays..

KRAMER: Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?

MANAGER: Those are rasin bagels.

KRAMER: (Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that..

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Horse Track Betting]

(Elaine confronts two unattractive bookies)

ELAINE: So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake.

BOOKIE: So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years.

ELAINE: So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number..

BOOKIE: (Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes.

(Co-Worker in the back speaks up)

CHARLIE: Elaine Benes?!

(Various other men in the line behind Elaine say the same thing)

BOOKIE: You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man.

CHARLIE: (faintly) I'm a man.

ELAINE: Ohh.. my..

BOOKIE: I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down)

ELAINE: My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: classy restaurant]

(Jerry and Tim Whatley meet)

TIM: Hey, Jerry.

JERRY: Hey, Tim.

TIM: What's up?

JERRY: Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.

TIM: Mazel Tov.

(Jerry's date, Gwen, arrives. She's completely unattractive)

GWEN: Jerry.. hi.

JERRY: Gwen?

GWEN: Yeah.

JERRY: (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?

GWEN: Yeah! Come on, our table is ready.

(Tim gives Jerry a face - almost like he feels sorry for Jerry)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGE: So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?

JERRY: Have you come across this?

GEORGE: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.

JERRY: (Relating) Like the Batman villain?

GEORGE: (Annoyed) If that helps you..

JERRY: So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up: The good, the bad, or the ugly.

GEORGE: (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)

JERRY: (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that?

GEORGE: (With pride) Made it up.

JERRY: (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people."

GEORGE: What do you think?

JERRY: It has a certain understated stupidity.

GEORGE: (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!

JERRY: ..Yeah.

(Enter Kramer)
(He is holding a sack full of bagels)

KRAMER: Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!

JERRY: How was your first day?

KRAMER: Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.

(Jerry and George stop before they take a bite from their bagels)

JERRY: Your hands were in the dough?

KRAMER: No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test.

(George spits his bagel out)

GEORGE: Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)

JERRY: Happy Festivus!

KRAMER: What's Festivus?

JERRY: When George was growing up..

GEORGE: (Interrupting) No!

JERRY: His father..

GEORGE: Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!

(Elaine enters while George is exiting)

ELAINE: Happy Festivus, Georgie.

(George leaves yelling out "God!")

KRAMER: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!

ELAINE: Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.

JERRY: You're still trying to gget that free sub?

ELAINE: Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.

JERRY: Is there a captain's hat involved in this?

ELAINE: Maybe.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

FRANK: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?

KRAMER: Well, just tell me everything, huh?

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"

KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.

FRANK: She was.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Kruger Office Building]

(George is in the hallway, dispensing his made-up gifts)

GEORGE: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card)

SANDY: (After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off)

(George passes an open doorway)

GEORGE: Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil)

PHIL: Ow!

(George meets up with Kruger)

GEORGE: Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card)

KRUGER: Not if you could see our books.. what's this?

GEORGE: The Human Fund.

KRUGER: Whatever. (Walks off)

GEORGE: Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]

(Frank is still telling Kramer about Festivus)

FRANK: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.

KRAMER: Is there a tree?

FRANK: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

KRAMER: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.

FRANK: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)

ELAINE: Hello, Frank.

FRANK: Hello, woman. (leaves)

ELAINE: Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?

KRAMER: No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.

MANAGER: Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.

KRAMER: But it's Festivus.

MANAGER: What?

KRAMER: You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..

MANAGER: That's not a right.

KRAMER: Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out!

ELAINE: No, I got to stay here and wait for the call.

KRAMER: What? You're siding with management?!

ELAINE: No, I just..

KRAMER: (Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab!

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Taxi Cab]

(Gwen joins Jerry in the cab. She's in her attractive state)

GWEN: Hey.

JERRY: Boy, am I glad to see you.

GWEN: You were expecting someone else?

JERRY: You never know.

GWEN: (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel.

JERRY: So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?

(All the sudden, Gwen is extremely ugly)

GWEN: I can go either way.

JERRY: (Shocked) You're telling me.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: the Coffee Shop]

GEORGE: So, she was switching? Back and forth?

JERRY: Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.

GEORGE: So, just bring her here. This is all you really need.

JERRY: I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?

GEORGE: Lights out.

JERRY: Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way.

GEORGE: (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!

JERRY: That's not a french cuff shirt, you know.

GEORGE: I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.

JERRY: Oh, that's classy.

(Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole)

KRAMER: Well, Happy Festivus.

GEORGE: What is that? Is taht the pole?!

FRANK: George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.

GEORGE: (Sulking) That's why I hate it.

KRAMER: There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.

FRANK: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard)