How To Install Software : A 12-Step Program

            

  1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
     box that explains what kind of computer system you need to
     run the software.  It should look something like this:

                SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
                2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
                628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
                719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
                3546 MB RAM
                432323 MB ROM
                05948737 MB RPM
                ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
                2 TURTLE DOVES
                NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

  2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
     contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
     trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

  3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
     3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
     envelope that says:

                        LICENSING AGREEMENT: 
     By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
     the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
     reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
     Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
     and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
     Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
     right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard
     drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it,
     take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible,
     by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks
     you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

  4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,
     "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

  5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
     appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

  6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

  7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

  8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
     which the following message should appear on your screen:

      The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
      what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK
      with you?       Choose one, and be honest:

                    +---------+     +-----------+
                    |   YES   |     |    SURE   |
                    +---------+     +-----------+

  9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
     whirring for a very long time while the installation program does
     who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
     alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your
     computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such
     as a food processor.  At the very least, the installation program
     will create many new directories, sub-directories,
     sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with
     thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," 
     "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

  10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
      display the following message:

                        CONGRATULATIONS

     The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
     your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
     your software.

     If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
     shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, 
     you should immediately swear, like this: 
                
                       *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

  11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
      than the federal government, refusing to respond even when
      struck with furniture.

  12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
      the package and wait on the line for a representative, who
      will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to
      adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

  And so that's the easy way to install software..."