Dirty Jokes

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mom, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off"

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys, got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...

"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

submitted by Crystal

Top Ten Things Women Would Do if They Woke Up and Had a Penis For a Day.

1. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
2. Get a blow job.
3. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
4. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal, and determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
6. Touch or shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
7. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
8. Try to get that thing to vibrate as well.
9. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which cause two inches to be added to the final measurement.
10. Repeat #2.

hmmmm they left one out ..#11. Understand WHY you watch t.v. with your hand down your pants ...

Unmarried Daughter

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screams at her "What are you doing???" The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old. I'm not married and I don't have a date. It's the nineties, give me a break!!" The mother shakes her head and leaves. The next day the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing.....he screams "What's going on here???" The daughter explains the same situation to him....he shakes his head and leaves . That night the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says " What on earth are you doing with that??" The father sits back and replies..." Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in law?"

source - Joke Central

The Ladder to Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eyes. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his meat and ass. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

submitted by Andy

Hunting Bear

One day three hunters went hunting for bears. they spotted three bears so they shot at them. the first hunter said, "If I just aim three degrees to the left I'll get him." So he did and killed his bear. The second hunter did the same. When it came to the third hunter he tried to shoot the bear. He missed and the bear gave the man an ultimatum. "You could either let me scar your face for life or let me hit it from the back." The hunter said,"Well I don't want to be scarred for life so go ahead and let's get it over with." So when the bear and the hunter where finished he was set free.

The next day the hunters went out and spotted three more bears. the first two hunters got their bears. When it came to the third hunter's turn he again missed. The same proposal was made by the bear and the hunter said, "Well I don't want to scarred for life so let's get it over with." Again the bear had anal sex with him.

The last day that the hunters were hunting the first and second hunters got their bears. The third hunter missed. The bear goes to the hunter and says, "You're not in this for the hunting."

submitted by Jakcards

Quickies

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. "What are you shakin' for, she's going to eat me!"

submitted by Spooey@webtv.net"

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. That's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

submitted by MHLANCE@webtv.net

Toys on the Hard Drive - I was cleaning up my hd and I found this fun little prog. Maybe you've seen it, maybe you haven't.. but I thought I'd pass it on cuz I got a kick out of it :) No worries, It's virus free. Just click here and enjoy :)