The Truth About B.Net and
Last Weekend!
by Fox Mulder
Ever wonder why b.net really goes down every weekend?
The truth is out there.The below is purely fictional, and is meant in a humorous sarcastic way.
Ok b.net went funky last weekend, and this is what happened.
Saturday morning, 7 a.m., somewhere in the U.S. Kid walks into the parents room . "Dad , Dad !! i can' access b.net !" Roger comes slowly to his senses . "eh re-install SC" he mumbles. "Allready done that Dad " says Rogers son .. "eh, uh, then un-install b.net " mumbles Roger more sleepy then ever and hits the pillow again. "Allready did that !! " yells the kid . Roger jumps outta the bed : "Hell the golden solution doesn't work !!!???" Roger runs to the phone, starts pressing the buttons : "come on Chief pick up the phone now !!" Somewhere not so far away the phone starts ringing ... Mike "Chief" O'Brien picks up the phone ... "Yeah who the hell is it !!?? Unless your name is Candy, hang up now !" Roger :"yeah Mike, Roger here " < click > Roger starts hitting the buttons on the phone again . Makes a mental note not to call the chief at 7 AM. Phone rings and the chief picks up again .. "Candy??" Roger with a high pitched voice : "Hi, Candy here ..eh the servers are acting up teehee." Chief irritated :"ok! ok ! Re-install SC and have a nice weekend Roger" < click > Roger : "hmmm eh .. i'll call Pat, he knows what todo ." beep beep beep etc etc phone starts ringing at Pat's appartment. "Who the hell calls me on my freeday .. bloody customers track u down everywhere" He picks up the phone . Roger starts speaking very fast :"yeah Pat! Roger here ! we got a prob with b.net " Pat : "eh this is Pat N's answering machine i have just taken a 2 day trip to china and i am not at home at the moment. Leave a msg after the beep" Pat squeezes his nose tight with his fingers and with a high pitched voice :"BEEEEEEP" Roger baffeld : "eh eh i hate answering machines .. Hey how the F*** can u afford a trip to China ??" At the same moment the phone starts ringing again at the Chief's house . Mike get's the phone :"What is it now ??????????" Mike jumps outta when he recognizes the voice. "eh hello boss .. what?? SunnyJim your oldest son can't access b.net with his shareware copy of diablo ?" Mike with his socks half over his feet :"I'm heading to the office now .. no no it doesn't matter .. if i knew this earlier i would have bin there allready boss" Mike walks down get's in his car then remembers he hasn't got a car , jams open the dashboard, hotwires the car and fires up the engine . Get's his cell and starts calling Scott ... < Ring ring > *yawn* "yeah Scott here !" Chief : "yeah this is Mike here , I need your help. B.net is acting up " Scott : "Oh man , b,net is always funky ..it's the weekend!!!" Chief : "Come on this is a red alert situation " Scott : "It's not that I don't want too but i played TA all night" Chief : "TA?????!!!" Scott : "eh eh SC.SC i mean i never bought TA at Jack's Game Center ..eh i am on my way" < click > Mike arrived at the office takes the stairs down to the basement . He types in his code as the door glued calculator falls off the door.. "crap " he puts the calculator against the door again and sees it's about to fall again Opens the door , sees the janitor asleep in a chair... "YO!! I thought u would keep an eye on b.net this weekend??" Janitor : "Yeah but like u always say, a good system admin never looks at the servers.. if there is something wrong ppl will notify u.. and u notified me right ?" Chief : "Excellent, u have just passed test 4 in chief's crash course in being a system admin" Scott walks in :"eh the numberpad at your door is eh not working 100%" Chief : "Aaaaah u broke it ! this is gonna cost ya !!" Scott : "eh yeah . hmm all those redlights on the switchboard.. is that normal ??" Chief looks at switchboard , looks at the screen :"oh hell Primenet is about to go down . We better act fast !" Looks at the janitor : "come on !! The thing's about to crash and u haven't brought us coffee !!" The janitor starts to run .. Chief : "Not that fast !! *sigh* No wonder there's so few good system admin around" < ring ring > <--guess what ? Chief : "Pick up the phone will ya Scott ?" Scott picksup the phone : "Blizzard customer service, how can i help u ??" Customer : "Yeah I just bought SC and I can't install it !!" Scott : "Hmmm ok explain what u did exactly" Customer : "I took the cd out of the cd case and put it in the cd rom player and it does nothing " Scott :"eh u took it out of the cd case u say ?? " Uncertain Customer : "uh yes ?" Scott : "Did u read the instructions ??" Customer : "eh not really, it fell on the ground and the dog ate it " Scott : "Well if u read the instructions u could have known that u insert the cd with the case in the drive " Customer : "But that doesn't fit !!" Scott : "u know anything about cobol and how to re-route the cd cable over the motherboard bypassing the cpu so that only 3% of the video card is used ??" Customer : "I hardly know anything about puters. that's why i called u guys ! " Scott : "No worries, we are here to serve u . u everheard of defragging the Harddrive ?" Customer : "eh yes that is under windows right ??" Scott : "Yep u got it now u need to defrag the CD-Rom " Customer : "how do i do that?" Scott : "Well since u are no Hardware specialist we have todo this the hardway " Customer :"eh ok" Scott : "U got a siccor there??" Scott : "This is what u do , u start cutting the cd , bit by bit and then feed them in to the cd-rom player ." Customer : "Cut it ??" Scott : "Yes very slowly tho ..we wouldn't want to damage the system would we " Customer : "No ! course not " Scott with authority in his voice : "Exactly .. this process takes up 6 hours , the bits have to be very small . u know ??" Customer : "eh yes that's why they are bits right ?" Scott : "Indeed , then when they are small enough u put them in the cd player ..if u heard weird noises , no worries then, this is normal . Then let the cd spinning for 2 days .." Customer :"eh ok ..uh thanks " Scott : "No, thank u for calling and buying our games , have a nice weekend and no worries " < click > Chief pats Scott on the back : "Excellent that will keep him busy for ahwile . Your one helluva tech " Janitor walks in with coffee . Chief : "Ah there's the coffee , the servers are about to go down , just in time mate" Chief get's the coffee and sits down . Scott : "so where do we start ??" The Chief looks up : "Well first we start with our coffee break comprende ?" Scott : "But the servers ??!!" Chief : "Yeah well they will go down anyway " Scott : "?????" Chief : "yeah well i can't access the system right now , Friday b4 I went home , i found this kickass mp3 site so I decided to download the whole site to ours " Scott :"But , no wonder b.net is messed up !!" Chief :"Well normally that isn't such a problem , but I found this warez site also , and I thought it would be cool to play Quake 2 on the multiplay server " Scott : "No wonder the servers are overloaded !!" Chief : "eh yeah well my cousin from the CIA needed a server to play Quake 2 all weekend , they are training new agents and so to take over Iraq next weekend " < ring, ring > Mike get's the phone . "Hello ???..........hey hello boss , the win reg lawsuit ?? yeah well my cousin from the Cia took the info from bnet players by mistake , .... eh what ?? Yes they messed up, they wanted to see which students at the univeristy where using drugs to recruit potential suicide agents " Mike looks bored at the walls : "Yeah, no they shouldn't have access to our servers...but we are using their spy sats ... why ?? .. well or else we couldn't handle the traffic from all the SC players" "But boss we don't have to pay them zip ... yeah that is indeed great .. saves a few bucks hehe.. what ? Yeah the servers are almost up and running again" < click > Chief : "OK party ppl , time to get into action . Scott u re-route the servers . Janitor u re-route current traffic to the Mindspring server ... and I'll make sure I finish this coffee " Janitor : "eh how do i that chief ??" Chief : "Oh just hit some buttons ..u will be allright " The janitor start pressing the buttons and in 3 minutes time everything goes down .. Scott : "Geeeeeeez we are f***** , how we gonna explain this ?" Chief : "No worries " Scott : "NO WORRIES!!!!!!! we just crashed everything !!!" Chief : "No worries .... alittle problem nothing more " Scott : "A little problem ???? We're gonna get fired !!!!" Chief : "No worries .. janitor get some more coffee " Janitor walks outta the room ... Mike get's the phone and starts hitting the buttons ..beep beep etc etc Chief : "Hello police ? Yeah , Mike O'Brien of Blizzard here .. yeah I just want report a crime .. yeah we got some rampaging janitor here ..who just crashed all the servers and did some severe damage to the systems ... yeah he is armed and dangerous ... infact don't be suprised if he claims he has bin running the servers for 6 month's and that i was on vacation" Janitor walks back in . Chief puts the phone on mute .. : "eh can u get the gun from the directors office ?? Yeah i know it's all the way to the top level" Janitor walks out . Chief : "Yeah hello we just got attacked by him he his hiding in the directors office . He's got a gun !!!! What ? Swat team , snipers and choppers on the way allready ?? Excellent. " < click > Scott : "We're never gonna get away with this !!" Chief : "No worries , now get that mop and bucket and trash all the puters except one " Scott : "WHY???!!!" Chief : "Coz I want a few new puters , this sh*t is almost 6 month's old . Scott smashes the puters .. Sounds of choppers drawing nearer .. gunshots can be heard . Chief : "Well that's sorted , now we get b.net back online " Mike presses one button: " there now it's back " Scott : "Whadda u mean ... u mean one puter can handle it all " Chief : "No 2 puters can handle it only ..so b.net will be choppy for the weekend" Scott : "But i just smashed 12 puters !!!! How come it was choppy all that time " Chief : "Listen .. if b.net is running 100% all the time , ppl expect it to be 100% all the time .. furthermore i needed the rest of the puters for personal projects " Scott : "Oh, i see ... " < ring ring > Chief : "Ya hello ?? Oh boss .. yeah the servers are up again for abit .. yeah me and Scott will need all weekend tho .... no problem boss.. I am great ???? No sir that's too much credit . Just doing my bit for Blizzard ." < click > Scott : "So what do we do now ???" Chief opens up a drawer and get's a bottle of bourbon : "We're gonna answer tech questions" < ring ring > Chief : "Hello blizzard support how can i help u ?" customer : "Hey WTF , I can't access bnet !!!" Chief : "What kinda modem are u using ??" Customer : "56.6 flex" Chief : "U know what flex means??" Customer : "eh no " Chief : "Flex means flexible .. have u bended the modem yet untill it almost snapped in 2 ??" Customer :"eh no " Chief : "Yes well it is undocumented , and normally u don't have to do that .. but in this case due to the phase variance caused by static from a NASA sat, u have to bend it almost till it breaks .. don't break it tho , u have to buy a new modem then !" Customer : "And then it will work ok?" Chief : "100% just try .." Customer "eh ..ok thanx " SNAP < click > Chief : "I love this job hehehe" by -=Wargasm=- aka fox mulder :) the above is pure fiction and loosly based on the stories from the BOFH (bastard operator from hell ) got bored in the garden, hooked up the notebook and wrote something .. tried to see if i could write along those lines ... flame me , build me up .. the orginal stories can be found here : http://www.renaissoft.com/bofh/ i think they are funny and every puter user should read them , i mixed in some blizzard stuff coz the forum ppl can related to that .. the BOFH stories are real old .. still they are killer stories and alot better then mine ..
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