This is my sounding board for anyone that cares.
This is going to be my sounding board. If you cared enough to explore my page this much I really do appreciate it. Here you will find out a little bit about me...maybe somethings you didn't care to know but this is me. I am currently a Freshman at Clemson University....I just completed my first year here. It is a wonderful place and you meet a lot of interesting people. I am 19 years old. I am 6'2" and 220 lbs. I guess you could call me a redneck....go ahead everybody else does. As those who know me well knows I am now on medicine for clinical Depression. To be dependant on pills is something that I hate. To know that I have to take these pills just to feel like I can get out of the bed.....Nowadays when I have a down spell it feels like it used to.....That is one of the worst feelings in the world....I hope noone reading this ever feels the way I do everyday. Somedays I just lay in bed and cry....This happened to me Saturday of this week. I just layed in bed all day long and cryed......Can you imagine how pathetic that is a 6'2" guy crying in the bed not able to stop or get out. It is very pathetic but thats me. Life can be so cruel. Seems like you work so hard for something for so long and then life just rips it away from you and there is nothing you can do about it. No matter how hard you try the things you worked for will never be again. I guess this is normal but it makes for a hard life. Like I said this is just a sounding board for me so if you don't care to read anymore then I understand....not many people will even make it this far. If you are reading this then I guess you care a little bit.....I appreciate that very much. I did not write this for anyone to feel sorry for me believe me i didn't .....for those of you who know me very well know that I don't like people to feel sorry for me. I don't like to be a burden on anyone or anything....This is kind of like my diary....I could never keep a diary...Can't write everyday in it but this will be updated every so often with my thoughts and feelings. I thought that my life would get better from high school to college.....Growing up and all that crap....it hasn't.....i fought with my feelings all the way through high school and now im fighting more than i ever thought id have to....Why must life play her tricks on me......For anyone who knows me and have talked to me knows that it seems like all i ever talk about it trucks......well sorry to disappoint you I will not talk about that here....this is only my feelings page.....Seems like no matter how hard I try to come up with just what I want from life, no thoughts come and im left alone in the dark.....how is is possible to be in a room of your friends and just feel like you are completely alone....be joking with your closest friends on the outside and just wish you were dead on the inside.....everyday is like that with me.....i fight this everyday of my life........for those of you that know me well know many things that I cannot put on this page but if I have ever told you any secrets I appreciate you listening to my ramblings....thats about all they are it seems ramblings from a nothing little boy.....I feel that during the past year I have matured very much from where I was this time last year......many things contributed to that and I appreciate everything everyone has done.....To you I say thank you....If this applys to you you know what i mean when i say it...and to anyone else just consider yourself lucky to not have known me throughout my high school years.....I was a complete jerk who did not take into account anyones feelings but my own.....I have looked beyond myself now and upon reflection back I can see how much I hurt that ones that cared about me....For this I can never make it up to you and im sorry for that.....No words can ever be said that will make up anything I ever did.....But I wish to tell anyone who knew me back then I am soooo sorry for everything I did.....Now I don't know how many people will read this and I honestly do not care....This is my sounding board and it doesn't matter how many people ever see it.....I am learning and maturing everyday of my life and maybe one day I will consider myself mature enough to be worthy to be in someones life that cares about me.....I know that I do my best to keep people at arms length and if I open up to you then that means i really do care about you far more than you will ever know.....many people don't get beyond the outward matt....if you have gotten passed the outward matt then you really do mean a lot to me....i don't share my feelings with many people....all of you who know me well know this fact.....i hate sharing my feelings....If at some point in my life I have shared mine with you then I am sorry to have bothered you but I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me.....That means a lot and if you are still reading this then I really appreciate you taking the time.....Time is so precious and for you to take your time and "waste" it by reading something that pathetic matt wrote then there is nothing I can say but thank you.....You are truly a friend....Thank you for listening...
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