I'm back and in black and time to rock. If that made any damn sense. Anyway, just for kicks, I sent a resume to the WWF this week. No joke. Now since most of you who read my column are 15 and under, you probably don't have a damn clue what a resume is. It's like a list of your past jobs, accomplishments, etc. That's right, Downtown is on the job hunt (not that TPWW isn't a great gig). So, just for the hell of it, I sent Titan a resume telling them how great of a writer I would be and if they didn't hire me soon, their ratings would falter. I was actually thinking about spilling my guts and telling all of you, my Disciples, what I would do with the WWF to turn it into the undisputed #1 wrestling organization in the world. Wait... they already are... for now. In any event, I know that writers and people from ALL wrestling organizations read TPWW and if Titan wants my ideas, they'll pay me for them. But all I gotta say is that... if I was writing for the WWF... Foley would see gold soon, Stephanie would be history, GTV would return in a BIG way, Taz(z) would be introduced in a crazy way, and Ron Simmons would get the push he deserves.
Now I need to answer some criticisms. Last week was my year end special with my usual fearless predictions, etc. But some of you jackasses out there still feel that I don't know my wrestling stuff. Looky here, I'm a GURU. I know more about wrestling than I'd say about 80% of you. And since this is my first column of the new year (schwing!), I decided to focus on what I meant last week.... so here goes...
A LOT of people disagreed with me when I said that The Rockwas going to be the next Hulk Hogan. Some said Goldberg, some said Austin is... one fucker said that Taz(z) is. Whatever. The Rock has every fan eating out of his hand. He appeals to EVERYBODY. Kids love the rock. Chicks dig The Rock. And men with great senses of humor (wink wink) also enjoy The Rock. The only people who probably isn't appealed to The Rock are old ass senior citizens who can't hear anyway. Austin doesn't appeal to the chicks. Goldberg is becoming unappealing to EVERYONE. The Rock is by far the coolest thing that hit wrestling in 1999 and will most definitely be the next Hulk Hogan assuming he avoids injury, plague, mad postal workers, and The Nick's column (oofah!).
OK ok... Bret "the sHitman" Hart. There's still countless MARKS out there that are all about Bret. Well good for all of you. Enjoy rooting for an OLD LOSER. Me? I'll stick to Scott Hall and The Rock and Edge. Bret is OVER THE HILL. Bret is BORING TO WATCH. Bret is AWFUL ON THE EARS. And... Bret isn't what he was when he was in the WWF. He brings no heat to the table, and if anyone sees Bret, tell him that Downtown will tell him that to his wrinkled face. Sure, he might beat the shit out of me, but I'm still gonna say it. Bret should take all of his money and his faggy PINK tights and go home to his kids and family. It's been a tremendous run. Don't go away mad... just go away.
I got a LOT of heat about saying that ECW is going to fold. Let me explain my position on this: I LOVE ECW. It is tremendous that such a low-bankroll company can survive and have fans everywhere. But even I don't remember to watch ECW on Friday night. Because TNN does JACK SHIT to promote it. They love their Roller Jam. Ever watch that crap? There's some bald dude with tattoos trying to beat everyone up. Who is that guy? Who does he think he is? Imagine being a tough biker-looking dude and telling people "Hi, I roller blade and play on Roller Jam for a living." I didn't know it was cool to rollerblade if you were into Harleys. WHAT A JOKE! And... TNN LOVES IT. But ECW gets the shaft. There won't be ECW by 2001.
Dear WCW: Everyone wants to see Torrie Wilson naked. Put her in Playboy and win the ratings war (before May 1, 2000, that is). Love your program, move it to Tuesday so I don't have to stay up late to watch it. Fire Bret Hart. Add "slapnuts" to the dictionary. Love, Downtown.
For all you football fans: It's Seattle over Miami, Tennessee over BUFFalo, Mossesota over Dallas, and I'm callin for Washington over Detroit. And still... the champs WILL BE THE EDGERRINAPOLIS COLTS.
Lastly, there's been a complaint about my use of swearing in my columns. Now naturally, I am not much of a curser. But I know what sells and what works and what also gets my point across and using the occasional "hell" or "damn" or any other cuss word help all that happen. But if you don't like it, there is an edited, clean version of my column up at:
http://www.heyshitfacesuckmycockyoumotherfuckingcunt.com
Finally... The Downtown has come back.... with the weekly honors...
SUCKER OF THE WEEK:
-Me. Downtown. For accidentally running the SAME awards. I'm a sucker. Go me.
SUCKER FOR ETERNITY:
-Eric Bischoff for giving away WWF storyline results you CRABS INFESTED BASTARD ASS SUCKER. And also for being the world's worst wrestling employee. Well not anymore now that you've been FIRED and REPLACED with former WWF EMPLOYEES!!!
COOL THING OF THE WEEK:
-New champ: HHH. Old champ: Bret "the sHitman" Hart. Lovin it.
OWEN HART/GORILLA MONSOON MEMORIAL COOL THING FOR ETERNITY:
-It's common for wrestlers to draw heat. It's not unusual for managers to draw heat. Sometimes the security draws heat. BUT... NEVER before has a woman acting to be The Rock's girlfriend drawn heat for not putting out the poon-tang for The Rock. Gotta love Greensboro.
SOUTH SIDE "DS" VIC TRIBUTE BEST SIGN FOR ETERNITY:
-On Nitro: OTHER CHANNEL, JACKASS. Square in the middle of the screen everytime Nitro's main camera did a wide shot.
Don't forget to look for VIC on Smackdown NEXT WEEK from Chicago. He has my Downtown sign and TPWW.net sign and he's sitting FRONT ROW CENTER. If you miss him, you're legally blind.
For real... thanks to everyone who wrote me last week... whether it's love mail or hate mail, I like it all and try to respond as often as I can. Also want to send some shout-outs to Big Bad AWeis up in the trenches of Chicago like me, and to sTickboy for whipping some ass in fantasy football this year, and of course to my #1 D-Town Disciple, Evan from Philly, for showing me StrangleMania 2 starring ICP and their ridiculous commentary. Nice work all three of you. Now go to school and learn something you retards.
[ credit Down Town Dave ]
