DD: Good morning.

D: How is Sydney's traffic today? (before the segment there was a traffic report on Sydney and David tries to copy it LOL)

DD: Well traffic is moving smoothly east on Moore Park here in Paddington. West is also moving well. I think you'll have a pretty good commute this morning on a beautiful blue sky day. Temperature's probably about 65 degrees farenheit, I'd say.

(Denton and Molloy are laughing)

Anything else you'd like with that?

D: No, you're listening to Triple M, we'll go onto some music now.

(All laugh)

Thanks David. That was the world's highest paid traffic reporter (DD laughs). David, welcome to Sydney, congratulations on Evolution and your chance to work opposite a 6 foot high anus.

DD: (laughs) That's not the first time.

(All laugh)

D: We were gonna ask you about Scully later. But - Now, stop that-

M: Steady...

D: You seem to be getting, and I think this is unfortunate, because you are one of the most watchable people on the screen I've seen in a long time, a lot of publicity, not for the movie, but for the fact you dropped your pants.

DD: Yeah, well, I guess I asked for it, didn't I? But I didn't think of it at the time and it's just an angle, an, excuse the phrase, something to hang your hat on when you're writing a review.

(laughs)

D: I didn't want to talk about the haemorroids, but now you've brought it up.

(laughs)

M: It's just a quick shot in the film but there must've been people standing around for like an hour or two discussing how to light your ass.

DD: Well no, after I did it, there was about 10 minutes of spontaneous applause though. No, actually, it was not in the script it and it was just a spur of the moment thing that I actually did on my own, so there was no lighting involved. That's all naturalle.

D: I'm surprised in the light of Robert Downey Jr and what's happening in Hollywood that a story didn't come out about "Duchovny crack abuse".

(laughs)

DD: Do you mind if I steal that at some point when I get out of the country?

D: You'll be doing better than David Spade, he stole one while he was in the country.

DD: Did he?

D: Yes, he did. Now I don't want to focus just on the fact you dropped your pants, but,

DD: That's okay.

D: but do you think if there was an Oscars for ass work, would yours stack up against Mel Gibson in Braveheart?

DD: Um, I think my ass is larger than his. I think that I would win the "Asscar".

(laughs)

D: The Asscar! I like it.

(everyone's laughing)

DD: You can steal that if you want.

D: I will be.

M: I heard your ass put on 4 pounds just to play that role.

DD: My ass, you know, ever since the movie, it's gotten a little too big for it's own -

(they're totally cracking up now)

M: It's got its own caravan.

D: It's got its own agent.

DD: It's got its own trailer. Actually, no, you know my ass is going to be arriving in a separate car.

D: I was going to say, it's lovely talking to you, but could you put your ass on the line?

(all laughing!)

M: This is outrageous, this gentleman's come to this country he's promoting a film and we're just interested in his ass.

DD: It's the best interview since I've had since the movie came out.

D: You're going to go and do, as movie stars do, go and do Hamlet and people are going to go "Drop your pants, Hamlet!"

DD: (laughs)

D: You'll never get away with this!

DD: To moon, or not to moon.

(laughing)

D: David, we'll go to a song now, to give you a chance to get in here so we can actually meet your ass face to face.

DD: You know, it's funny, I travel all this way just to talk to you on the phone.

D: Yes, it's appropriate, isn't it? (X-Files background music starts playing) *deep voice* and the government as listening, you know that? David Duchovny is our special guest and his ass, he'll be here live in the studio very shortly.

DD: Thanks, we'll see you in few minutes.

[Ads and songs start to play and Denton and Molloy are wondering whether they scared him off with their questions then Denton says "We will return with David Duchovny, one of the funniest and most talented men in showbusiness as a matter of fact. He's going to stand up like dog's balls on this show, I tell me tell you. That's next on Triple M".]

[David finally arrives in the studio]

D: David Duchovny, he has arrived, welcome David.

DD: (clears his throat) We were just having a very intellectual conversation.

D: Well I think we should share it. I just learned something about US history which I never thought I'd learn - they don't teach you in the text books.

DD: They should (laughs).

D: David, what was President Lyndon B. Johnson's technique for taking meetings?

DD: Well, not just taking any meetings but I think when he had a man that was somewhat of an equal that he wanted to intimidate or put in his place, he would take a meeting from the bathroom while he was uh, defaecating. (D & M laugh) Can you say that? So that would kind of throw the other guy off his game a little bit. Especially when he asked them "can I have a little paper" he made the other guy roll up the toilet paper.

(laughs)

D: Presenting a white piece of paper to the president takes on a whole new meaning in this context.

DD: Here, I'm gonna do something for you that is gonna surprise you - I'm gonna call it "dunny paper". Do you call it that here?

D: We do, that's good!

DD: Yeah, I used to travel when I graduated from college, I traveled to Thailand and South east Asia,

D: You met a lot of Australians?

DD: a lot of Australians and we had to carry our own dunny paper. That's where I learned it from.

D: Really? Do you know any other Australian slang?

DD: Uh, no not really.

D: What about - uh...

DD: No worries, that's my favourite.

D: No, that's good, no worries.

DD: "I think I've just lost my arm. No worries"

M: If that's too long, you can reduce it to "No Wuckers". We'll pay that.

DD: That's no shorter though. (laughs)

D: No, but it carries more emotional meaning.

DD: No whackers?

D: Wuckers.

DD: Wuckers.

D: Wuckers. Don't ask us to explain that further, this is a family show after all. Evolution, your new film, Oscar material?

DD: (laughs) No, just Asscar as I say now. Not really, it's a fun film, it doesn't have any pretentions really to be anything else. It's a summer comedy.

D: It is fun, and you get to fight giant computer generated monsters.

DD: That giant anus was not computer generated though.

(M & D laugh)

D: It was real?

DD: Yeah that was real.

D: Where do you find a giant anus in Hollywood?

DD: It's very easy actually. (laughs)

M: It looked like Marlon Brando getting a colonic (all laugh). I mean, I've never seen anything like it. "You disappear up the anus". There's some great ass work in this film with both you and the aliens. It's actually a reverse on, aliens coming down here and giving us a probe (DD's laughing) you've taken it to the aliens. You've turned the tables, David.

DD: Payback is a bitch, you know.

D: Yeah, this is Independence day.

DD: Actually, because most stuff in movies -this is computer generated at this point, when Ivan Reitman did Ghostbusters he was telling us that most of everything was actually latex and plastic and it was much harder to make a film like that. But the big alien amoeba anus - it's all real.

M: Oh, you've given away the ending!

DD: I've given away the end, come on you've gotta hang with me here. The entire ceiling of the stage was this latex creature and it was shuttering, it was awful.

D: My favourite line in the movie was yours, it was - I don't know if I've got it exactly right because I tried to jot it down as- "Let go of my friend, you giant alien sphincter".

DD: (laughs) It's a little shorter than that. It's "Give me back my friend you big sphincter".

D: Oh, sorry.

M: The gloves are off at that stage. Can I say I was highly offended by the film. And in particular, the line where a particularly ugly alien creature turns up, and I think the line is "Good face for radio".

DD: Oh yeah, yeah.

M: Do you know how that makes us feel?

DD: You wanna know something? I'm sure I do know how it makes you feel. But I will tell you that when we were shooting that, I said to Ivan "I don't think that's a funny line" cos I would always be an ass that way, and we actually made a $10 bet because he was sure it was going to be funny that it would get a laugh, and I don't think it does.

M: Well, I laughed. But on the inside.

D: I actually tried to cancel the interview. I'm a bit surprised you're here to be perfectly honest.

(laughs)

M: But you stood corrected now, having a look at us. Have you ever seen such beefcake in your life?

DD: I wasn't saying that it wasn't true, I was just saying that it wasn't funny.

(all crack up)

D: Ivan Reitman, he directed Arnold Schwarzenegger in Twins and made him a comedy star. Did he give you any inside story on what the Schwarzes like to work with?

DD: Not really, he did say that he was the boss though during the filming.

D: He would be, he would take meetings on the toilet.

DD: No, Ivan was the boss. Arnold may be bigger but Ivan is tougher. Ivan is a tough man.

D: Arnold is just a big *Arnie accent* Girly man.

DD: No I wouldn't say that,

D: You can say that here, he doesn't hear you.

DD: Ivans can turn anyone into a girly man if he sets his mind to it.

D: You had to romance Minnie Driver -

DD: You say HAD to -

D: Yeah, it was in the script for Return to Me. Now I've noticed Minnie Driver has an exceptionally big face.

(DD & M laugh!)

DD: God!

D: Is it difficult to romance someone with a very big face?

DD: It's a lot easier isn't it? (laughs) You can kiss them and they don't even know it.

(all are laughing)

I never noticed that she had a big face, by the way. Let me go on record saying that. I think she's a very beautiful woman.

M: We feel obliged to ask the hard questions.

D: David Duchovny is our special guest, his new movie is Evolution. There'll be more, we haven't wrapped up a hundred ass jokes yet, so you'll be staying until we do.

DD: (laughs) We kind of got off subject.

[More ads]

D: David gave us great traffic before, apparently traffic is moving smoothly in the east, is that right, David?

DD: It was, along Moore Park it was moving with a good flow, and moving east. Westbound also looked good and...that's all I got.

D: No, that's good. That's as good as we need, thank you very much.

DD: I was caught stealing with my intro, wasn't I?

D: Yeah, very good, been caught stealing? Come on, change the diction.

(they start commenting on the traffic man)

D: Yeah I picture him as a Nana Mouskouri man.

DD: Who?

D: Nana Mouskouri.

DD: Don't know.

D: Oh.

M: He's playing dumb.

DD: No, that's not playin', that's the real thing.

D: Did you ever giggle at an X-Files script when you were given one?

DD: God, yeah. But not in the right way. There was one this past year, you probably haven't had it yet (M note: yes we have, Dave!) but it's about a little continental Indian man without legs who is able to - and here I am getting back subject and I apologise -(all laugh) because he is so angry at the American Imperialist, and he's a Fakir - can you say that in Australian?

M: I think we got away with that.

D: But only took up a couple of [they start playing the censored sound, they all laugh]

DD: And he's able to crawl into the rear of the big fat American Imperialist and eat his way out of the stomach as a kind of revenge and I though that's elaborate.

D: Had Chris Carter just discovered Colonic irrigation or something?

DD: He didn't write that one, but

M: He was looking for his missing car keys.

DD: I kept saying "This is a funny one right?" and he would say "No, this is a completely serious"

D: I did see a very funny one once.

DD: There are funny ones.

M: I like the stretchy-arm-liver-eating bloke.

DD: Oh, everybody loves him. That was the second show we ever did and people still bring that guy up.

D: I like the fire-starter. He was good.

DD: You do? Oh, nobody likes that episode.

M: Do you still watch The X-Files now you're not in it anymore?

DD: Sometimes I'll be up late, can't sleep. Or you talking about the new ones?

M: The new ones.

DD: Well, there haven't really been that many new ones without me. The reports of my not being on the show were greatly overestimated, I mean I did half of them last year, it was kind of pissing me off, cos it's like "The X-Files can survive without David" I was like "I'm still on the show!" (all laugh) That's not fair!

D: Tell the Truth David! I mean you must've watched Robert Patrick and gone "he hasn't got it".

DD: Have I ever done that? No.

D: Come on, you don't have to be nice! This is off Broadway, no one hears this show.

DD: I don't wanna say that. I want you to say that, I don't wanna say that.

D: Okay, well he's rubbish. (laughs all round). He's not you.

DD: Well, it's not fair (M & D laugh) I mean, not in that way, but I was on the show for 8 years I'm a guy that made that -

D: That made that show, David! Say it!

DD: No, I'm not saying that I made that show, but that the show, we all came up together and to ask anybody to step in, it's impossible.

D: Oh. You can say it's rubbish. (laughs)

DD: I'll come back here anytime.

M: It's easy, isn't it? I was watching your interview with Mike Munro, last night,

DD: Which one is that?

D: A Current Affair.

M: That must get pretty creepy up close. (laughs) Cos I know -

DD: Don't use me to grind your access just because I'm ignorant, don't do that to me! (laughs)

M: Speaking of rocks that bleed, which is a crucial point of Evolution,

DD: I don't know what that means.

M: I find that Mike Munro reminds me of the Rock Monster from Neverending Story, don't you find?

DD: A lot of people here are laughing, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

M: I have the urge to scale Mike Munro's north face. Sometime.

DD: I don't know if it's appropriate, but it's funny just to hear you say it.

D: I'd like to see a new category of awards started, put this to David Spade, for films like Evolution, which are not trying to be SERIOUS, I wanna call them the Guttenbergs. I want Steve Guttenberg to present them and it's for this vast range of film which include excellent exellent ass work and 6 foot high sphincters.

DD: I think Steve Guttenberg makes films that he thinks are serious though, so I don't think that's appropriate.

M: Do you think it's weird that at the Oscars they don't have a comedy category?

DD: At the Golden Globes they do.

M: They do.

D: You clean up at the Golden Globes with your Globes.

M: It's always part of the actual ceremony with Billy Crystal and the whole night goes with Comedy's input, but when it comes to being a category, that is rewarded.

DD: People think you have to be serious to be deep, and the fact is that there aren't many movies that are going to do a lot of heavy thinking anyway, even the ones that claim to. If you want heavy thinking, you should probably open a book.

M: That's crazy talk!

(all laugh)

DD: I'm sorry I didn't mean that!

M: What are you, some kind of revolutionary?!

D: Kids are listening to this show, "you shut your mouth, mister!"

DD: Like Gladiator, very heavy, philosophical. I would base a philosophy of living more on Evolution than I would on Gladiator and yet you come away from Gladiator (the Oscars) thinking the deepest level of human accomplishment just thinking that you could possibly do.

D: Russell Crowe is a personal friend of mine. I'd just like to state that at this point.

DD: He didn't write it.

(laughs)

D: Yeah, but it's Russell's movie.

DD: He did a great job, I'm talking about the actual script.

D: And he comes in here and trashes our Russell.

(all three laugh)

D: (jokes) I don't know if I like the attitude anymore. First of all, you take on radio,

M: He's a crazy kid, he doesn't know what he's saying, he's lagged!

D: He's high on jet-lag (laughs). It's four mintues to 9, you're listening to Triple M, our special guest, David Duchovny, who we're going to have to say goodbye to, what, now?? Now? We've just got to know him! And upset him.

DD: Ahhh!

D: Evolution is the film, David, you are fantastic to watch on the big screen quite seriously, you really are, and it's lovely to meet you.

DD: Thank you. Nice to meet you too.

D: Thanks for coming in today. There he is, with his buttocks of renown.

DD: Oh, and here it is right now against the mic...

(laughs)