JUST PULL THE PLUG!
A man and his wife were sitting watching their television. The man was drinking a glass of wine. A commercial came on tv about ending life when one is put on life support. The man looked over to his wife and said, "Honey, if I ever get in a state having to depend upon a machine to keep me alive, needing fluids put in me, I want you to just pull the plug." She looked back at him, then got up and went over to the tv and pulled the plug, then took his glass of wine and poured it down the sink's drain, and said, "There, I did it."

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

TWO NEW JERSEY HUNTERS
Two New Jersey hunters went hunting. After a while, one of the hunters clutched his throat and fell to the ground, his eyes rolled back, and he lay there motionless. The other one picked up his mobile phone, dialed 911, and said, "I think my friend is dead! I don't know what to do!" The 911 dispatcher said, "Just relax. Calm down. The first thing to do is to make certain your friend is dead." There was a pause, then a gunshot. The hunter got back on the phone and said, "Okay. He's dead. Now what?"

THE JOYS OF PARENTHOOD
The husband made himself two ham sandwiches with fresh deli bread, gourmet mustard, baked ham, and fresh lettuce. He carried his plate out to the table to enjoy it. It made his mouth water to just look at his food. His wife asked him to hold their baby while she went to fix a plate for herself. He was trying to balance the baby with one hand and eat his sandwich with the other, when he noticed a streak of mustard on one of his fingers. He had no napkin so he simply licked it off his finger. It was not mustard! Never before had any man sat a baby down so fast and headed for the bathroom with his tongue hanging outside his mouth gagging as he ran. He washed his tongue repeatedly until he felt it was clean again. When he went back outside, his wife was laughing so hard at him she was actually crying. She said, "Now you know why they call that mustard, Poupon."

NEW BLONDE NEIGHBOR NEXT DOOR
A neighbor watched as his new blonde neighbor rushed out to her mailbox and flipped open the lid then closed it. She rushed back into the house with an angry look on her face. While he is cutting his grass, he sees her do this three more times.
Finally, while he is trimming nearby her mailbox, he could stand it no longer and asked her why she kept running out and looking in her mailbox?
She replied, "Oh, it's my stupid computer. The thing keeps telling me, You've Got Mail."

TAKE MY ORDER!
A blonde went into a library, walked up to the desk and says, "I'd like a Pepsi, Cheeseburger, and French fries."
The librarian looked at her and said, "This is a library."
The blonde looked around, turned back to the librarian, and this time whispers, "I'd like a Pepsi, Cheeseburger, and French fries."

MY WHOLE BODY HURTS, DOCTOR
A beautiful, but not very bright woman went to her doctor and told him every part of her body hurts as she pointed to each part.
"What's wrong with me?" she asked the doctor.
The doctor looked at her finger and said, "Your finger is broken."

SENIOR CHRISTIAN LADY
There was an elderly lady who was a Christian who would always get out on her front porch and holler, "Praise the Lord," all during the day. Her next door neighbor was an Athiest and was disgruntled by all her worship and constantly griped and complained to her. But it did no good because she kept right on Praising God.
One day the old lady got in need of food so she went out on her porch and began to pray loudly for the Lord to send her some groceries. After she had prayed for awhile, she began to say, "Praise the Lord," again.
The next day she got up and went out on her porch and there were two bagsful of groceries for her sitting there.
She began to Praise the Lord with all her might. But who should be hiding in the bushes but her disgruntled neighbor. He jumped out and yelled at her, "Ah ha! The Lord didn't give you those groceries. I did."
The old lady looked at him and began to Praise the Lord even more. She told her neighbor, "Praise the Lord! Not only did the Lord send me the groceries I needed, but He made the devil pay for them."

WALKING ON THE WATER
Three clergymen were taking a day off to go fishing. One of them brought his boat so they could go out on the lake to fish. After they had been out on the lake for a couple hours, the Rabbi said to the other two, "I am going back to shore. Be back in a few minutes."
Out of the boat he stepped and proceeded to walk straight back to the shore. The other two clergymen looked at each other in amazement.
In a few minutes, back came the Rabbi, again walking straight out to the boat and getting in again.
"How did you do that?" asked the Episcopalian minister. The Rabbi just smiled and said nothing.
Another couple hours passed and the Catholic priest excused himself and got out of the boat and walked straight to the shore. In a few minutes, he too walked back to the boat and got in.
This time, the Episcopalian minister could stand it no longer and said, "Well, if the two of you can do it, then so can I."
He jumped out of the boat and promptly sank into the water. Quickly, they threw him a lifeline, and smiled at each other.
The Rabbi said, "Guess he didn't know where the big rocks were, did he?"

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was just too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozie to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is!" I protested through the shower, "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded, "What if it starts going and sucks me in? Come on, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leaped at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my lower masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known?

THE DOG AND THE RABBIT
A man was outside in his yard when he saw his dog come dragging something home in his mouth. Upon checking to see what it was, he saw that it was the little girl next door's pet rabbit who was very dead and very dirty. He knew she came straight home from school each day and played with the bunny and loved it very much. He feared for his dog's safety when the people learned that he had killed her pet. So the man took the muddy rabbit and shampooed its fur and blow-dried it carefully. Then he slipped in the neighbor's yard and placed it back in the rabbit's pen, hoping no one would notice that it had not died of anything but "natural" causes. Then his dog would not be blamed.

When the little girl got off the school bus that day, she ran straight back to her rabbit's pen and began to scream for her Mommy and Daddy to come outside.

The parents came running out to her. The father took one look at the dead bunny and yelled, "What kind of sick pervert goes and digs up a little girl's deceased pet rabbit and puts it back in its cage?"

THE PERIOD
A third grade teacher told her class to go home and observe their family because she wanted them to tell about something important that happens the following day.

So next day in class, she told them she would like for each one to get up and tell what was important about the previous evening at home.

Johnny was asked to get up and speak to the class first. He went to the blackboard and put a dot in the center of it and sat down.

"Johnny, what's so important about a dot?" his teacher asked.

"It's a period, not a dot," Johnny answered. "The reason it's so important is last night my sister said she is missing one, and it caused my dad to have a heart attack, my mother fainted, and the guy next door shot himself."

THE OLD LADY AND THE CONDOM
The new minister went to visit one of his senior citizen members at her home so he could get to know her better. She was a kind, gentle old lady who had much grace about herself. In the parlor, he noticed a very old pipe organ with a bowl of water on top of it. In the bowl lay a floating condom. The old lady excused herself to make the minister a cup of tea. While she was out of the room, he went over and examined the condom in the bowl of water more carefully. His curiosity got the best of him, so after she came back in with their tea, he asked her about the condom.

"Why do you have that floating in the bowl of water?" he asked.

Calmly, she answered him, "Oh, I am so glad you asked me that, Preacher. I found that little thing quite by accident in a store one day. The package said for me to put it on my organ, keep it wet, and it would help keep diseases away. And do you know, it works too? I have not had any colds this whole year."

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don't women blink during sex?
They don't have enough time.

Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt hole, and they vapor lock.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

Why did God put men on Earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
Don't know. It's never happened.

Why do little boys whine?
They are practicing to be men.

What's the difference between men and boys?
The price of their toys.

HOUSEWORK CHALLENGED?
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted out to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb?

HAPPY?
A couple was lying in bed. The man said, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replied, "I'll miss you."

SCIENCE RIDDLE
Why does it take 100 million spermatozoa to fertilize one ovum?

Because not a one of them will stop to ask directions.

EMAIL SECURITY
How can a woman keep her man from reading her email?

Rename the email folder, "Instruction Manuals."

WHAT PERFUME?
Two models got on an elevator with a tiny elderly lady. Each model was bragging about the expensive perfume she was wearing and looked at the old lady to see what she was going to say. Her floor to get off the elevator was there, so she told them her perfume was brocolli florets and farted really loud, then got off the elevator while shaking her bootie at them, saying, "And theres your free sample. Enjoy, ladies."

THE BAPTIST DOG
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of their congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an exclusive kennel and explained their needs to the Manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them.

The dog was brought out, and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible."

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, searched the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager.

The manager then said, "Find Psalms 23."

The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Extremely impressed, the couple purchased the dog.

That evening a group of church members came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed.

Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?"

"Let's see?" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded, "Heel!"

The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl.

The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed, "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"

FEELING LIKE A BABY?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said,
"Slim, I'm 75 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim replied, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really? Like a baby, huh?"

"Yep. My vision is cloudy, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just soiled my underwear."

JONAH AND THE WHALE
A four year old was coloring a picture of the Biblical account of Jonah getting swallowed by a great fish. The teacher was going by each child's desk viewing their art. She stopped and asked the little girl what she was coloring. The little girl said, "I am coloring a picture of Jonah getting swallowed by a whale."

The teacher said, "It's not possible for a whale to swallow a human. Their throat is much too small to do that."

The little girl insisted that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

So the teacher said, "Where is Jonah now?"

"He's in Heaven," the little girl replied, "And I will ask God how the whale swallowed him, when I die and go to Heaven too. Ok?"

The teacher replied, "Well what if Jonah didn't go to Heaven and went to Hell?"

Undaunted, the little girl replied, "Then, you can ask him."

MOTHER'S BREAST MILK
Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term exam. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was: Name seven advantages of mothers milk.

The student in question had also partied the night before, and found it difficult to think of 7 advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature.
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
Then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He was the only student to ace the exam 100%.

FUNNY ONE LINERS
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

Why Did Pilgrims Pants Always Fall Down?
  Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

Why Did The Rooster Cross The Road?
To Show The Chicken It Could Be Done.