WHAT'S GOOD FOR ONE, IS GOOD FOR THE OTHER!
A man walked into a pharmacy and wandered up and down the aisles. The sales clerk noticed this and asked if she could help him. He answered that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife so she directed him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposited a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
Confused, she asked, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He replied, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it's soooo much cheaper. So I figured if I have to roll my own, then so does she."
A WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the clerk asked her.
"No," the woman replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal thing I could do to get back at him."
START OF A PERFECT DAY!
She's sitting at her table eating her favorite breakfast drinking her gourmet coffee. Pictures of her beautiful home are in "Fine Living." Her son's picture is on the cover of the Wheaties' box. Her daughter's picture is on the cover of "Business Week." Her boyfriend's picture is on the cover of "Body Beautiful." And her ex-husband's picture is on the back of the milk carton.
ONE PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
A woman walked into a pharmacy and asked the
pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asked, "Why do you want the arsenic?"
She replied, "I want to poison my husband."
He said, "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reached into her purse and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to him.
He stared at the picture, then said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
WHAT MEN ARE LIKE....
Men are like laxatives. They can irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like the weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like chocolate bars, sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say, and way too loud.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like government bonds. They take far too long to mature.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like lava lamps, fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
A RIDDLE
What's round on each end and high in the middle?
Ohio
TWINS
A very poor couple could not afford to keep their twin boys, Juan and Amal, so they gave them up for adoption to two of their family members who lived in different countries. A few years later, the relative who had adopted Juan sent them a picture of him. The Mother was very happy to see her child but wished very much she could also see a picture of her other boy, too. Her husband looked at her and said, "They are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
BIG DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY YOU SEE IT
Grandpa and Grandma were discussing their upcoming 50th wedding anniversary plans. Grandma thought they would have a romantic dinner at home alone, so she asked Grandpa, "Do you want me to kill a chicken?"
To which Grandpa replied, "Why kill a chicken?
Don't blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago?"
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You' re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he just fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it was a dry summer night, and flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, with the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded calmly.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6-feet wide."
"And just what do you do with a 6-foot
a**hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
Policeman: May I see your driver's license?
Policeman: May I see your vehicle registration and proof of car insurance?
Policeman: This car is stolen?
Policeman: There's a gun in the glovebox?
Policeman: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?!?
Hearing this, the policeman immediately calls his sergeant for back up. The car is quickly surrounded by armed policemen, and the sergeant approaches the driver to handle the tense situation.
Sergeant: Sir, may I see your driver's license?
He called in the license number, and the man's driving record was clean.
Sergeant: Who owns this car?
Sergeant: Is there a gun in the glovebox?
Slowly opening the glovebox, the driver proved he clearly owned the car, and there was no gun in it either.
Sergeant: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.
The trunk was opened; no body in there.
Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? That's incredible! And I bet the bodacious liar told you I had been speeding, too?
The first nun said she wanted to go back as Madonna, and instantly she was gone.
The second nun said she wanted to go back as Pamela Anderson, and instantly she was gone.
The third nun said she wanted to go back as Sara Pipeline. St. Peter was puzzled and asked her who that is, he didn't recognize the name.
The nun pulled out a newspaper article and let St. Peter read it. He laughed out loud, and told the nun, "That article is referring to the Sahara Pipeline, not a woman named Sara Pipeline."
Here was the title of the article: "Sahara Pipeline Gets Laid By 1,600 Men In Six Months."
NOTHING
FINE
FIVE MINUTES
GO AHEAD
LOUD SIGH
THAT'S OKAY
THANKS
WHATEVER
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was
given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
On an impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the pet duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes."
But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen."
Then Sally whispered to Johnny, "Remember the duck?"
So Johnny did the dishes for his sister.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and
Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper."
Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?"
So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer.
He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed her pet duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window, and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
Thought for the day and every day hereafter:
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done, and Satan keeps
throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.,) whatever it is. You need to know that God was standing at the window, and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.
He's just wondering how long you will let Satan make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's Grace and Mercy that we are saved.
ALL IN A POINT OF VIEW
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small son into bed. She was about to turn off the lights when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
A long silence was broken at last by his shakey little voice saying, "The big sissy!"
HE BROKE THE WINDOW, NOT ME!
Billy and Bobby were small boys who were brothers, and they often had fights with each other. One Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook lunch now. Go out and play in the yard, and be good boys. Please don't get into any trouble."
"Yes, Mommy," the two boys answered, and outside to play they ran.
They played in the yard for about half an hour, then Billy ran into the kitchen screaming, "Mommy, Bobby's broken a window in Mrs. Allen's house."
Mrs. Allen was their next door neighbor.
"He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?"
"I threw a rock at him," Billy answered, "and he moved."
WHO MAKES THE BEST PATIENT TO OPERATE ON?
Five Surgeons are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
THE DESIGNATED DECOY
A routine police patrol car parked outside a bar in Kentucky. After the last call for alcohol inside the bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing him.
THE RADAR GUN AND THE RECTUM STRETCHER
Going miles over the speed limit, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic, patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
THE SPEEDING TICKET
A policeman pulls a driver over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got way too many points on my car insurance for speeding.
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I saw the vehicle registration in the glovebox when I was putting my gun in there.
Driver: Yes, Officer. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the man who owned this car and stuffed him in the trunk.
Driver: Yes, Officer.
Driver: Of course, here it is, completely valid.
Driver: It's mine, Officer. My vehicle registration and proof of insurance are in the glovebox.
Driver: Of course not. That's preposterous!
Driver: No problem.
THREE NUNS
Three nuns died and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He told them they had all led such clean moral lives, that each of them could go back to Earth for an additional six months and could choose to be anyone they want to be for that time.
I WANT ONE OF THEM
A countrified redneck family from the backwoods hollows was visiting the big city, and they were in a shopping mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then
slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, whut's dat thing?"
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seed nuthin like that my whole life, I ain't got nary idear what tis."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very large older lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yer momma fast. We gotta put her on this here thang."
THE NEEDS OF A MAN AND WOMAN
"I just want you to hold me," the wife says. The husband says, "WHAT!?"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs
as a woman. The husband realizes that no sex is going to happen tonight
so he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide on one so he tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes at about $100 a pair. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she selects a pair of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She does not care. She chooses the diamond tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is happening. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the checkout counter."
The husband stops and says, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The wife's face goes blank.
He says, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode when her husband calmly says, "Honey, you must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
THE WORDS WOMEN USE
If men would just learn these words women frequently use, there would be a lot less friction in relationships.
This is the calm before the storm. This means, "You definitely have done something to upset me, and you should realize what it is you have done without my having to tell you." Arguments that begin with "Nothing," usually end with, "Fine."
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
If she is getting dressed, this is usually half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping out around the house.
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
This is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a blooming idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say, "You're welcome."
It's a woman's way of nicely saying, *%&#* YOU!
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
Men will never understand how women can take hot melted wax, pour it on their upper thighs, rip the hairs out by the roots, and go through the excruciating pain of childbirth, and still be afraid of a little spider.
SOMEONE IS WATCHING YOU!
Always remember: God is at the window! When Jesus died on the Cross of Calvary, He was thinking of you!
