When we re-parent the Self, we send a message to the mind and body that we are worth it, that we are special, and that we deserve love. When a child is abused, he or she lives in a dark place where there is no room to breathe or feel. This child grows up lacking self-esteem, feeling worthless, and always looking for approval from parents and outside sources. Often the abuse experienced in childhood gets repeated in adult life using different characters: an employer, a spouse, or even a so-called friend. The adult continues to play the victim, hardly ever assuming responsibility for failures. “The boss doesn’t like me,” “My wife demands things I can’t afford,” or “My co-worker set me up.”

Therefore in order to break the cycle, one has to shed the past story and create the present story. In the new story the abused child is determined not just to survive, but to thrive. He or she assumes responsibility for actions, is committed to health and fitness, and finds the way to realize limitations while cultivating capabilities.

Saying it and thinking it is a good beginning. Every day one has to make a commitment to positive thinking. It is neither the win nor the loss that makes a person triumphant, only the feelings and perception one has regarding the Self. Positive perception and self-affirmation is the first step to personal empowerment.

The next step is believing that one is lucky. Being lucky is the opposite perception of being the victim. When one is lucky, even when one fails, he or she learns from failure or suffering to succeed in the future. When one is lucky he or she sees opportunities where other people do not even think to look. A lucky person feels empowered and in control. When one believes in the Self, he or she can banish self-doubts, persist in set goals, and clear the path for accomplishments.

In addition to positive belief and the elimination of negative self-talk, we need to live in balance. That means eating balanced nourishing meals, drinking plenty of pure water, and avoiding sugar, fat, and processed foods. We need to get seven or eight hours sleep to reset our biological clocks daily and regenerate cells. Most importantly we need to do some physical exercise every day to build up strength, stamina, and focus. When we exercise, we are empowered people of substance. We will not feel trapped, paralyzed, or allow ourselves to be abused because now we have strengthened our bones, muscles, heart, and lungs. A sound mind needs a sound body. By living in balance physically and emotionally, we shed stress. An abused child often grows up to be a short-fused adult who experiences stress and irritability more easily than others. Exercise relieves stress by burning up stress hormones, releasing endorphins, and oxygenating the brain to think more clearly. Exercise also returns one to the present moment and away from the past!

After a person eats balanced meals, gets adequate sleep and exercise, they can create inner peace through meditation. A simple five-minute meditation to music can help one get in touch with the still point. Through meditation one relaxes the heart, lowers blood pressure, and restores loving feelings to the soul. Begin meditation by breathing deeply through the nose to your own rhythm. Inhaling on two counts, and exhaling on four counts. That way you exhale more toxins. By focusing your attention on your breathing, you redirect your mind to the present. When you close your eyes to meditate, you just watch your thoughts float by and do not judge them. Sometimes you will receive guidance through an image, a color, a word, or later in a dream. Some people like to meditate on a passage from the Bible or a literary work. So, before you begin to meditate, you might want to read a quote or affirmation and then think about it while you are breathing with your eyes closed.

Living in balance physically, emotionally, and spiritually is the source of energy and joy. Be kind to yourself everyday, and create personal time and space. If you are too busy, then get rid of some of your activities by prioritizing. We have compassion for others, even our pets. Make sure that you have compassion for yourself.

Taking Responsibility For Our Own Lives

One of the worst attitudes is, "Things happen to me," not from me but to me, or a degree of victim mentality. At any level we really need to accept the full responsibility for whatever happens to us. Each of us is responsible for our own life.

We can take the responsibility to accept that what happened to us five minutes ago is no longer of any importance because that was five minutes ago, and this is now. If we are holding onto the incident, we continue to hurt ourselves. What happens subsequently is important but not what happened in itself. Something happens, and it sets off a sequence of events. So let go of the bit that happened back there and deal with the bit in the sequence that is actually occurring now.

The important thing is not holding onto anything any longer than it actually lasts. In reality, all we need to do is experience the learning, and move on immediately.

Learning From Experience

Sometimes we convince ourselves that we need to hold on in order to extract the learning from it. If you are repeating big patterns, you can retain the memory in terms of what not to do next time, but not the emotions it aroused in you. Thus you can get the maximum amount of learning but ultimately that’s still part of the letting go process. If it’s a traumatic experience that’s teaching you a lot, keep it as something to learn from, while letting go of your attachment to it, let go of it emotionally. That’s the basis of letting go of our beliefs and attitudes, that anything that happens to us that we are a victim of anybody.

Making Choices

Life is a series of choices of how to behave. Often we make these choices automatically, without really being aware of what we are choosing or why. But no matter what anyone does in any aspect of their life, it is still a choice they have made. In making choices, we also make mistakes. It is from those mistakes that we learn about ourselves and others. We learn how to make different choices next time if we remain open to the process of making mistakes. One thing stops us learning from choices and that is fear. Fear of judgement and criticism, which is usually felt as shame or guilt.

So the second thing we have to let go of is all of our judgements and values and ideas of what should be or what shouldn’t be. We should have no values, no judgements, no morals, no criticisms, no ideas of what is or should or shouldn’t be. None at all. Because if we have an idea of what is or what should or shouldn’t be we are making a judgement on something that is as it is, as God or as the universe intended. It is as it is, and it is perfect as it is for the people who are involved in that scenario. That applies to us in our lives, but because it is a principle, it applies equally to the people in a war crisis, for instance. And that’s where the understanding becomes really difficult to accept. You may say, “Hold on, this is not right,” but it is, it’s right for them. The angrier everybody gets about a situation, the worse it gets. This is not at all pleasant or emotionally intelligent but judging won’t improve it either. It will make it worse. If everybody stops being angry about a situation, it disappears. The war will not continue.

Keeping Neutral, Learning Acceptance

If we see something and make a judgement or a criticism about it, we are adding our angry energy to that situation. We are actually increasing it. If we collectively say, “What is happening in this war or that country now is terrible,” we are adding to the energy of that event. We are making it worse for the people in it. What we need to do is to stay completely neutral and know the highest truth, i.e., what is happening there is as it should be for those people, however traumatic.

We’ve all been through equivalent experiences one way or another, so we’ve got to let go of the idea that it’s right or wrong. That’s just the way it is for those people. The most important point to make here is that making choices is not making a judgement. It is just saying, "Choose not to behave in this way." Eventually, if we allow everybody to learn without fear, then the mistakes stop being so terrible and the results stop being too damaging and dramatic on individuals and society. But it has to happen that way, that we suspend the judgement before others stop doing whatever we originally judged. We cannot expect them to stop before we stop judging.

What we can do is make our own structure for the choices we would make but without saying we are right, and that is wrong. It is saying this is what we would do as far as we know at this moment. Period. Not that it’s right or wrong.

What if we saw an old lady being mugged in the street? Should we just walk on?

No. If possible, and not to the detriment of your own safety, you can choose to intervene with an action but what you must not do is add your judgement or criticism to it. You must not judge either party involved. That is the tricky part. Saying, "That’s not my choice of behavior, but I accept their right to do that, and I will intervene because that is my choice." We have to accept the consequence of that choice, which might be that you also would get mugged.

People and Behavior Are Not The Same

Something that gives a depth of understanding is to recognize that the person's action is not the same as the person. You can say that action is not good, but the person is perfect, they are perfect in as far as they have gotten in their own learning about life. We cannot possibly see what the master plan for the universe is, so if we start judging and criticizing, we are saying we know better than God, the universe, energy, or whatever, and we don’t. We have to let go of the assumption that we know it all.

The trouble with a little bit of enlightenment, a little bit of spiritual awareness, is that you suddenly get into a kind of spiritual judgementalism. We can adopt an attitude of I know, and you don’t. It’s a very difficult ego state to get out of. Eventually you do get kicked out of it because you realize that you’re not that much different to others. You just realize a little bit more of what you’re learning next, you’re a bit more aware of it. It’s very important not to assume that we have some greater understanding.

All spiritual teachings include a section about not judging because to do so would be hypocritical. None of us have always got it right, or made the best choices or decisions. But if we learn from it, and don’t repeat it, that is the most anyone can ask.

We do have to separate the behavior from the person and take that to the highest levels, such as a war crisis, which appears so horrendous. We can choose to keep our thoughts out of it and know that that situation will heal itself when everybody has learned what they will.

Becoming More Emotionally Intelligent Helps The World

If we replace judgemental values with a sense of our self-worth, and how we wish to express that essence of us to the rest of the world, we choose to live in a way that helps to heal ourselves and other people.

We accept it in a way that is unconditionally accepting of ourselves and other people, so we drop our barriers in order to help heal the world. We help to heal everything in the rest of the world by dropping our sense of what is right or wrong. There is a fine line between making a decision about how to behave and making a criticism or judgement of behavior in others. Once you can see where it is, you can stay on the one side of it. Just consider for a moment how differently you respond if you feel critically judged, compared with being accepted as you are. That applies to the whole universe.

Fixed Ideas Of What Should Be Causes Hurts And Disappointments

The next thing is expectations of outcome. If I do this, then that will happen. Our hurt or disappointment is always based on what we think should have happened or what we hoped would happen or what we thought the other person should do. It is never based on what has actually happened. It is based on our hurt or disappointment that what we wanted didn’t occur. So we want to control the universe, thinking we know better than God again. If we decide what we think should happen is right, we are getting back into judgements. But God is neutral. He doesn’t say, “You are bad because you made that mistake today, and you are good because you did that”. God acknowledges, “You are learning valuable lessons in wisdom and knowledge. You are going in the right direction and doing the best that you can do at any time.”

God is the Divine Intelligence but is also an evolving consciousness within each of us, and as our consciousness evolves we contribute to the evolution of God-consciousness. We are all part of God, or the Holy Spirit, having a human experience. When we raise our consciousness individually, we are also, in a collective way, raising God-consciousness, because we are all part of God.

That is the point of creativity. That is the point of intelligence. Evolution occurs as a result of intelligence. If God-consciousness is the ultimate intelligence that lets go without judgement, then we have got to emulate that by letting go without any judgement or questioning about anyone else.

God allows us go where we want, to expand our consciousness, including making mistakes, right or wrong choices, as well as making some wonderful discoveries. If we are allowed to do that, so is everyone else.

Interconnectedness And The Oneness

Why is it important for us to raise our consciousness and let go of our beliefs in order to help everyone else comes back to the connectedness of everything in the universe?

Some people want to move and grow faster, while others grow more slowly. Some are trying to slow the others down, and some are trying to speed the others up, but whatever each one does affects the others next to them. We are all units of vibrating energy, according to quantum physics. So our emotional energy will affect the people around us. Miserable people are a drain on us. We call them a drag, and they are dragging our energy down. We want to vibrate more lightly, more harmoniously, and they are slowing us down. By lifting our vibrations through our self-development, and releasing our sense of preconceived ideas, judgements, criticism, manipulation, and control, we are actually allowing everybody else around us to speed up as well. Ultimately we have one responsibility and that is to raise our consciousness sufficiently to help raise the others around us. We have to choose to let go of the illusions of what was or what will be, of right or wrong, and to increase our vibrations. Then we automatically raise the vibrations of those around us.

The final belief that we need to let go of is that our individual humanhood really matters. Everything will be as it is. It doesn’t matter how it is because however it is and wherever it is going it will get there because it can’t not. Probably where it’s going doesn’t matter because there isn’t a decision about where it’s going to go. There is no limit to where it’s going to go. If you decide it’s going to go from here to there, you are immediately placing a limit on where it can go, but it doesn’t matter where it’s going. So we have to let go of the idea that humanhood really matters. We are in it, and it is part of our experience. We do have to live with our feet in both human and spiritual worlds, but we have got to let go of the idea that this matters.

Changing One’s Perceptions

One of the best ways to deal with this is to think, will I feel this stressed about this situation tomorrow, or next week, or next year or in five years’ time? The answer is usually no, not if you let it go. If you go straight to that feeling of detachment and let go of what you are feeling now, it becomes much more comfortable.

Try Using These Statements In Your Life:

I can’t control what is happening in the world.

I can say loud and clear that I want this or that to happen.

I can accept that if it doesn’t, there is some good reason for it, even though I can’t see what that might be.

I’m not God, and I don’t know what that good reason is now, but if I remain open then I will find the answer.

I have to let go of what I think it should be, and I will find it is far better.

We have to get away from what we think things should be and get to our freewill. Our freewill is our God-given ability to make life's choices. We are always affected by the wisdom of our choices. With every choice we make, there will be a consequence. Sometimes good results; sometimes bad. We are not necessarily right or wrong in the choices we make. It may not even be the same choice for the next day. You might make a different choice, but for that moment in time, it is right as far as you can tell. That works the the same for everybody. We have to let go of a sense of being right or wrong and allow things to just be as they are, to accept the process of change in ourselves and others, and give each other the freedom to change and learn without making critical judgements based upon preconceived notions. We have to let go of our thoughts, and learn to listen and wait. We have to let go of our preconceived expectations of others, and simply let things and people be as they are without letting it cause our own emotions to react. We have to let go of the need to do, manipulate, or control, and simply allow ourselves and others to grow and change daily because that is just the way life is and always will be.

What Are The Real Benefits To Me With This Approach To Life?

If we learn to let go we acquire a greater sense of being in the present. A greater sense that our needs actually are being met, because at any given moment they are, so don’t worry about what is going to happen tomorrow because today everything is fine.

If we let go of unrealistic expectations and critical judgements, we find a sense of calm and inner peace, because we are not in conflict with what we think should be. We also have a far greater sense of strength, and respond to the present moment instead of the past. Our vulnerability is never in the moment. It’s in what we fear will be. Have you ever noticed that you are usually frightened after or in anticipation of what will happen but very rarely in the moment? We get a sense of our strength because we are right in the here and now. We lose our vulnerability which is based on what ifs, not on the here and now.

We have greater acceptance of others. Therefore we make a greater contribution to raising their awareness, a greater sense of truly going with the flow.

We gain a sense of fun and freedom in all we do. How often do we go out and dig a hole in the garden and then fill it in again just for fun? Adults don’t often do that, kids do and really enjoy it but adults don’t really do that kind of stuff, they want to be sensible. But that is what being is, digging holes and filling them in again, just for the fun of it.

Start thinking about what you are doing and have fun with it. It’s a way of just letting go and not having a reason for doing something. Do it because you really just want to. Have you seen how much energy people put into building a sandcastle, just to watch the sea wash it away? And you may think what a waste of time, but it’s not, it’s a wonderful thing, you’re in the moment, you’re there and you just did it for the fun of it. Live all of your life as if it were building a sandcastle. There can be no better reason for doing something other than you are enjoying it. Enjoying something is our freewill choice.

Becoming fully immersed in what you’re doing is a very good way of letting go of all the other stuff around you, so that all your concentration is based on what you are doing. You are not making judgements. You are not having expectations of particular outcomes. The key thing is that the more we let go of these attributes of victimhood and judgement, the more we move into our true nature. Living without judgement means living in a state of being.

Being reveals our true identity and oneness with creation. It allows us to release concepts of who we are and allow the spiritual identity to emerge. Being places us beyond the world’s effects and allows us to live at a different level of consciousness. It allows us to have without fear of loss, without needing to control and judge, to live and be truly free.

So begin to let all your life become one big let-go experience and then see what happens next. Allow each day to unfold for you not as you would choose but to reveal to you your true nature. That is the true meaning of intelligence.

Each of us has different goals which we would like to fulfill in our lifetime. We have each chosen to be born for a special purpose. We can never feel totally content and fulfilled in life until we recognize and begin to live for that purpose for which we have been born and begin working toward fulfilling it.

Many people have no idea why they are here, and wander aimlessly, hopelessly, through life, feeling unhappy, discontented, and dissatisfied. Sometimes we think we have our purpose in life defined, only to find that it is no longer adequate for us. Sometimes we have to find out who we are as a person. Perhaps at different times in our life, this will be necessary.

It might be necessary for you to ask yourself the questions, Who am I and What do I really want from life?

A person who does not know who he is or what he wants from life will never be able to concentrate his energies so as to accomplish what is important to him. We definitely need to know ourself and to be true to ourself.

Each of us can benefit by taking the time to look deeply within ourselves in order to discover what we really want from life. We can then organize our energies and thoughts in such a way as to really attain that for which we have been born. This is the pathway to letting go of your past, and moving toward the future you were meant to have.

A. What are your goals and ambitions? What would you like to have accomplished in your lifetime?

These answers are possibilities from a ficticious adult woman named Mary.

1. Mary would like to see that her children grow into healthy, happy, financially secure people.

2. She would like to make her husband happy.

3. She would like to have a healthy and attractive body.

4. She would like to develop spiritually.

5. She would like to learn to draw artistically.

6. She would like to overcome her fears and become a more loving person.

7. She would like to be well read and intelligent.

8. She would like to be socially respected and well known.

The possibilities of answers are endless depending on each individual's orientation. The next step is to put these goals into preferential order.

B. List these goals in the order from what is most important to what is least important for you at this moment in your life. The order in which you place these goals may change during the various periods of your life. For example, the goals concerning the family may dominate during the years in which the children are growing up. But after the children leave, you may then become more motivated by the desires to develop oneself mentally, artistically, and spiritually. The need for spiritual development may then take the lead, as you approach your midlife or senior years.

Let us assume that Mary has now reached the age in which her children have just left home, and she is now turning her energies toward her own development. She might possibly list her goals in the following way.

1. To overcome fears and become more loving.

2. To learn to draw artistically.

3. To be well read and intelligent.

4. To make her husband happy.

5. See that her children are healthy, happy, and safe.

6. To develop spiritually.

7. To have a healthy and attractive body.

8. To be socially respected and well known.

In many cases it may not be easy to place them in preferential order, in that we may want some things equally. We will want to analyze what might be preventing us from realizing these goals, and how we can most effectively use our energies toward the realization of these goals.

We will have to consider the following factors:

1. Which fears, obsessions, aversions, delusions, or attachments may be blocking us from using our time, energy, and thought towards the realization of these goals?

2. Some goals may be in conflict with other goals. For example Mary's goal of having an attractive body or being socially well known may at times conflict with her goals for self-development.

3. We must analyze how we are using our time each week and see where we are spending time on activities, which are not helping us move toward the fulfillment of these goals, or may even be preventing us from moving forward.

These concerns form the basis of the following questions which require deep and honest analysis on our part.

C. What fears, obsessions, attachments, delusions, or aversions are preventing us from realizing our goals?

You can now get a clear idea of which attachments, fears, or aversions you must begin to work on transforming now, so that you can realize your goals and potentials.

Based upon Mary's answers, she may find that her attachment to her husband's presence and need to mother her children prevent her from developing her artistic, mental, and spiritual capabilities. These attachments may also be creating negative reactions from her husband and children who may feel smothered or trapped by her needs. This reaction will then create suffering for the whole family. She may discover that her fear of not having enough money is preventing her from being able to concentrate on the present moment, and be as loving and happy as she could be, and prevents her from realizing her top priority goal which is to overcome fears and become loving. Mary will also become aware that her attachment to sweets is preventing her from realizing her goal of a healthy and attractive body.

D. Do any of these goals which you have listed conflict with each other?

Mary has now realized that at times her goal of making her husband happy may conflict with her need for her personal artistic, mental, or spiritual development. This is especially true if her husband is not really happy about Mary's new interests.

The other fact that Mary may have realized by now, is that one person cannot really make another person happy. We are each responsible for creating our own happiness and unhappiness.

This does not mean that Mary becomes inconsiderate to her husband, but that she realizes that she cannot make him be happy, especially if he does not want to be happy.

She may also realize that her goals to be attractive and socially respected, and well known may compete for time, energy, and thought concentration with her goals for artistic, mental, and spiritual development.

She may have to make a choice as to how to spend her time. Now we come to the analysis of how we spend our time. This will be the true measure of our goals in action at the present time. What we have written in answers to these questions are our theoretical values.

Our real present values are measured by the way we spend our time and our money, our two most precious forms of energy. Thus by answering these next questions, we can see any conflicts which might exist between our theoretical values and our present activities.

It is only natural for this discrepancy to exist, as we are in a state of evolution, and we will be first inspired mentally by certain values, and then, gradually, our lives and the way that we spend our time and money will come into alignment with those new values.

By that time, we may have even newer values, and thus this process of change takes place continually in our lives as long as we are growing. This questionnaire will help you determine more objectively what changes you would like to make at this stage of your evolution. When you seem to be stuck where you are right now, you are not able to let go of your past properly.

E. Please calculate, as well as you can, how many hours you spend each week on the various types of activities in your life. (A week has 168 hours. Do your total hours approach this number? Please add any activities which may not be listed.)

1. Sleep

2. Preparing food, eating it, and cleaning up

3. Shopping

4. Cleaning up around the house

5. Caring for the family (except cooking, cleaning, and shopping)

6. Working for money

7. Offering service to others without pay (except to family)

8. Spiritual practices (meditation, affirmations, breathing techniques, prayer, reading your Bible, attending church, doing work for church, etc.)

9. Reading books (what types)

10. Reading newspapers and magazines

11. Watching TV And movies, or sports events

12. Cultural activities (theater, symphony, museums, opera, concerts, lectures, etc.)

13. Creative interactive activities (i.e., dancing, exercise, music, art-participating; not just watching, but participating)

14. Socializing

15. Attending classes

16. Daydreaming

17. Transportation

18. Interacting with your children

19. Keeping a journal

20. Talking on the telephone, answering emails, or writing postal mail

21. Other activities (please specify)

The amount of time we spend on the above mentioned activities may vary from week to week, but we can find an average which represents how we usually spend our time. Now we want to analyze whether we are actually spending our time in such a way so that we are moving towards our goals. It is entirely possible that we may find that very little of our time is dedicated towards the fulfillment of the goals which we have stated are most important to us. Thus we come to the next question.

F. Now compare your goals with the way you are spending your time. Are your activities leading you toward the fulfillment of your expressed goals, or are they unrelated? Are there any activities which you would like to diminish or omit? Are there any activities which you would like to add or increase so that your life is lived more in harmony with your goals?

Our activities are not always in harmony with our present goals, because our goals generally change before our habits. It is because we change our values and goals, that we are motivated to change our habits.

This is especially true of individuals who have recently begun the process of self-discovery. They begin to change their belief system and values, but they are still in the grips of habit patterns, developed on the basis of old beliefs and values. Thus it is entirely possible that we will find that we are spending much time in activities, which once gave us much enjoyment and had much meaning for us, but now are losing interest for us. We may realize that we want less social activity, and more time for ourselves to read and be peaceful inside, so as to put our lives in perspective.

We may find that we are more interested in spiritual or psychological discussions than in the news, politics, fashion, food, and sports. Our interests may change, but we may find it difficult to so easily change the pattern of our behavior, especially when it has to do with our social and personal relationships.

Our new interests and goals may at first be in conflict with our old social and personal contacts. Often there is resistance on the part of the family and friends to any changes which we may be going through. They may feel insecure and react negatively. So in each case, we have to analyze exactly what we want and gradually and naturally allow our activities to harmonize with our new goals and values.

Those who really love us, and really are our friends, will understand and flow with us through this transformation, although there may be uncomfortable moments. If they reject us altogether, then it might mean that they are reflecting to us a part of ourselves which is not sure about these changes, or which doesn't believe that we have the right to make them, or which believes that others will reject us if we do change. In such a case we will need to work on these inner doubts. We must be sure also that we are able to continue loving others as they go through their changes and transformations.

In analyzing this question, Mary may discover that she would like to cut down the amount of time spent in socializing, watching TV, and movies, shopping, reading magazines, and daydreaming, and spend more time on reading uplifting books, spiritual practices (such as body exercises, breathing techniques, praying, meditation) and offering service so as to improve society. What changes you may want to make will depend on what you have listed as your goals. It is possible that you may not want to make any changes whatsoever. The only way to find out is to spend some time analyzing this aspect of your life.

ABILITIES, TALENTS, AND POSITIVE QUALITIES

One's abilities and talents show the way in which he may develop his positive qualities and find self-fulfillment, while at the same time bettering the quality of life for the society around him.

Fears, attachments, habits, and lack of self-confidence often prevent the natural development of positive abilities, talents, and qualities lying latent within the individual. We have much to gain by discovering our positive qualities and developing and manifesting them for the benefit of all. We will simultaneously increase our self-fulfillment, self-confidence, self-image, self-worth, self-love, and self-acceptance. This will give us inner security, which will allow us to desire the same fulfillment for others. We will then want to help them work towards their own self-confidence, love, and acceptance. When we are secure and content within ourselves, we naturally want the best for others.

When we are insecure, we often experience envy, jealousy and secretly hope for others to fail. This is proof of the truth that we can love and accept others only when we love and accept ourselves. The opposite is also true. We can love and accept ourselves only when we love and accept others.

Here are some questions which will help us discover and manifest our abilities, talents, and positive qualities.

A. Please list all of your talents, abilities, and positive qualities. List all types of abilities, simple and difficult: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Mary might come up with the following list:

Cooking, cleaning the house, caring for the children in every necessary way, driving a car, playing the piano, drawing and painting, dancing, massaging, knitting, sewing, typing; she can speak English, Greek and French, can make translations from one language to the other; she is good at listening to her friend's problems and giving compassionate help when needed, she can take care of her body and mind through exercises, relaxation and meditation, she is good at decorating the home so as to make it a pleasant environment, she has the ability to give up her personal needs in order to help the others when there is need, and she has the ability to love even when people are negative towards her. If Mary were to analyze even more deeply, she would probably find even other talents and qualities which she just takes for granted.

B. Would you like to develop any of these abilities or qualities listed above, or any others which you have not mentioned, more fully?

Mary might answer that:

1. She would like to develop more fully her artistic abilities.

2. She would like to perfect her massaging technique so as to help others even more.

3. She would like to develop more concentration in her meditation.

4. She would like to develop a previously unexplored talent for writing, for she would like to share her experiences and discoveries with others.

5. She would also like to now develop the quality of Universal Love for all beings.

C. How will you go about developing the abilities and qualities mentioned in the previous answers?

Possible answers might be:

1. She will take some classes in painting and dedicate one hour each day to practice.

2. She will take a refresher course in massage and practice more regularly on her family and friends when they need it.

3. She will meditate more regularly and clear her mind with exercise and breathing beforehand.

4. She will begin to keep a journal of her personal experiences and thoughts. When inspired, she will write small articles, stories or poems and submit them to magazines.

5. She will try to see each person as a soul, not as a body or personality, and develop the ability to love each even more, in spite of any distasteful qualities. She will remember to love herself more unconditionally so that she will have the peace and contentment to love others. She will meditate on love and allow feelings of love to spread throughout her body and mind when meditating.

It will be useful at this stage to make a large sign with our decisions and place it in our bedroom, or elsewhere, where we will see it daily so as to be reminded about our decisions. Such a program is useless if not applied.

The next step in the Self-transformation process is to work on removing blockages which one has towards loving and accepting Self and Others.

POSITIVE PROGRAMMING: REMOVING BLOCKAGES

Because of our past experiences we tend to hold onto certain negative image patterns of ourselves and others in our subconscious mind. We feel guilty about certain things we have done or not done. We feel that we are not good enough, based on these subconscious memories. These negative self-feelings undermine our success in all fields of our life, including work, study, artistic expression, and personal relationships. We are programmed to believe in this way that we cannot succeed or that we do not deserve to succeed or be happy. It will be useful to bring any of these lingering thoughts to the surface, so that they may be clearly analyzed in the light of the logic of the conscious mind and also the spiritual truths which we are presently learning. When properly analyzed, they can be released through self-understanding and self-forgiveness. Those who are religiously oriented, can ask for forgiveness from God who has promised to forgive any one who sincerely wants to change.

Psychology today is discovering the strong undermining force of guilt on our mind. Most of us are not aware of the extent to which guilt for our own mistakes, and bitterness towards others for the injustice they have done us, control our subconscious mind and thus 95% of our emotional life, and state of health. This percentage may seem exaggerated to you as you are first hearing it, but some years of self-analysis and deeper contact with others will prove to you that this is true. Work sincerely on the following questions. You may have to spend some time regressing back to recall experiences that you have forgotten. You may want to talk to your parents or others, who were there with you in your childhood years, so as to see what kind of experiences and messages you were subjected to, and how you reacted to them then.

It is important to realize that we are two (or actually many more) persons. One is conscious and realizes that we are secure, content, and worthy of love, acceptance, and respect. Yet there is another subconscious part of us, which is still like a child, and doubts whether we are actually safe or worthy, or whether others can love us or not, or whether we are acceptable or not. This second part of us is responsible for 95% of our emotional life, until we free ourselves from the various illusions which control us. This will require acknowledging the existence of this inner child, and communicating with it, and respecting and loving and re-educating it, so that it understands the truth about itself and the world.

Because we have understood something, or forgive something, in our Self or Others consciously, does not mean that the subconscious has done the same. Because we have overcome a fear consciously, does not mean that we have overcome it subconsciously. We have overcome and understood many things consciously, as adults, which our Inner Child still fears and doubts. We would do well to dig deeply and honestly as we answer these questions.

A. List all the things which you hold against yourself, for which you have not forgiven yourself. What do you dislike about yourself or feel guilty about?

Secret guilt and reasons which cause people not to like themselves are infinite in variety, and often quite surprising to others, who wonder "how someone with so much logic, and who is such a good person, continues to feel guilty about such a thing or let things continue to bother them." At the same time, if we were to share our secret guilt, we may find that we have much in common, since we have been conditioned in similar ways. Some of the common themes are:

1. Having sexual feelings or experiences as a child and in the present.

2. Not having done one's duty.

3. Having harmed someone.

4. Having failed at some endeavor.

5. The death of close ones before we have a chance to harmonize our relationship with them.

6. Our children's failure.

7. Overeating, promiscuity, lying, gossiping, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, or harming the body in some way.

8. Having committed some crime.

9. For weakness or indulging in unwanted habits.

10. Being unable to make others happy.

11. Being a burden to others.

12. Being unable to live up to the expectations we make of ourselves.

The next step is to look at each of these cases, and to realize that we have done what we could at the level of awareness we were at that moment in the past. There is no value in holding onto the experience, except as a motivating force to move forward in our spiritual growth, and free our Self from the ignorance, fear, and attachment which led us to making any past mistakes. We can forgive ourselves for each case individually, consciously learning from each mistake we may have made. We cannot change anything we have done in the past. The most we can do is learn from our mistakes and not make the same mistake in the present. Forgiving ourselves for the past, frees us from these past blockages, and we can put our energy and thoughts to more effective use in the present. We thus allow ourselves to succeed and feel happy.

B. Now let us consciously forgive our Self for each of the above factors which one does not like about the Self. Let us forgive ourself and feel self-love and self-acceptance on three levels; orally, in writing, and subconsciously.

There are three ways in which we can work on removing these blockages.

1. We can repeat verbally that we forgive ourselves for these past acts.

2. We can write 20 to 50 times that we forgive ourselves, and accept ourselves, in spite of each mentioned past act individually. Another aspect of forgiveness through writing is to write down, on a paper, any aspects of ourselves which we cannot accept (from the past or present) and then burn the paper in a type of ritual as we pray or meditate, imagining that these aspects of our Selves are being purified or removed.

3. We can relax the mind through mind-control, meditation, or any relaxation technique and auto-suggest to ourselves in this relaxed state that we forgive ourselves and accept ourselves. We can create positive images of ourselves in our mind.

There is also a fourth way to experience this forgiveness. It requires another experienced person. It is called psychodrama, in which we let the other person imagine that he is us, and we talk to ourselves in the form of the other person and forgive him for his mistakes. The other person may react in various ways, or answer us, or ask questions, or resist the idea of forgiveness and through this small drama we experience more fully this forgiveness.

After having cleared up the blockages we have with ourselves, we will then want to clear up the blockages we have with other people.

C. List all the negative feelings which you hold against others in this life, i.e., mother, father, children, spouse, lover, brothers, sisters, friends, church members, clergy, other relatives, neighbors, or strangers.

Each of us is holding onto certain feelings of bitterness, resentment, disillusionment, mistrust, anger, jealousy, envy, or fear towards those with whom we have had closer personal relationships. These feelings block our ability to freely experience and express the love which could flow between us. We are thus in need of analyzing what kind of negative feelings we may be harboring within us towards other people. Otherwise our relationships will be superficial or even poisoned by these feelings. These feelings will also function destructively in our other relationships, although they do not have to do with these others.

For example, a woman may have many feelings towards her husband which have nothing to do with him but are actually for her father. The same could be true towards our wives, children, and friends. In general, our relationships with our parents, because they were our first relationship, and were experienced at a vulnerable age, and are projected later on in life onto all of our other relationships. Thus we will need to pay special attention to any hidden feelings towards our parents.

Remember that you are two persons, one logical conscious being, and another illogical child, who still lives within you.

We may have made expectations which were not fulfilled. Our feelings may have been hurt by some criticism, suggestion, or punishment. Our security may have been threatened when we felt a lack of love or interest. Our pride may have been hurt when we were not treated with kindness and respect. Our addictions, aversions, and fears may have been stimulated by those around us, thus creating negative feelings within us. We waste tremendous amounts of energy, time, and thought when we hold onto such negative feelings, and create whole court cases in our mind, so as to prove that we are right and the others are unjust. The only result is that we create unhappiness for ourselves and the others, but mostly for ourselves who have to experience these negative thoughts repeatedly. It would be much better to express our disappointment, disillusionment, fear, hurt, resentment, jealousy, envy, etc. to the person involved in a calm, centered, peaceful way, while taking at least equal responsibility for the reality created within our own mind, which we have created in a certain way through our attachments, aversions, fears, conditioning, and delusions. We could have reacted in another way. We could have ignored the event completely. We could have reacted with strength, understanding, and compassion. We could have let go of our unrealistic expectations and weaknesses which created our disappointments and hurts. We could have understood that the other was acting negatively because he has some problems of his own; that he does not feel well within himself and that this is his way of releasing his tension. We could see him as a child, who cannot do any better, and we could understand and forgive.

D. Now let us understand and forgive each of those people in this life towards which we hold any negative feelings. Let us forgive them for each specific event in some combination of four ways; in writing, subconsciously, in psychodrama, or personally with that person.

1. We may write a letter, expressing our feelings to the person, and finalize with our desire to now forgive and forget the event or situation. This letter may be sent to the person, or not, depending on the situation and what is best for all. We may also burn the letter while simultaneously feeling that we are burning up our negative feelings. We will most probably need to write two letters; one first with all of our complaints, bitterness, and negativity, until that is released. We may need to write many of these negative letters so that the tension is released before we can proceed to forgive.

It is important to release negativity before we try to forgive, or else we run the risk of creating even greater internal conflict between that part of us, which has forgiven, and the subconscious part which is still holding onto the pain and bitterness. Many people who believed that they had forgiven, but when they went inside, usually through deep relaxation regression, to their childhood years, discovered that there was still a great deal of pain and bitterness which needed to be expressed. To forgive before we release our negativity, is like waxing the floor before we sweep and mop it. We would only close in the dirt forever, or until we remove the wax and thoroughly clean the floor first.

Another metaphor would be driving a car with a stickshift. We need to go through first and second gear for some time before third and fourth gear can be effective. Thus we need to work through a period of time of searching inwardly and expressing before we can go onto forgive. It is not important that the others receive our letters or hear our complaints. What is important is that we are able to express them and let go of them forever.

From a spiritual point of view, they have done absolutely nothing to us which was not perfect for our evolutionary process. We actually should be grateful for them, for playing those roles which life gave them, so that we could now have this opportunity to search within, and discover our real Self beyond all that pain. Everything in our lives has been perfect until this moment. And thus we can forgive everyone for everything because we are the only causes of our reality. But these spiritual truths are just now seeping into us and thus are not functioning in our subconscious mind yet. We will need to go through this process of release before going onto forgive.

2. We may use any relaxation method we know and visualize ourselves forgiving and embracing the other with openness and love. We may want to experience a few guided deep relaxation sessions in which we express first our pain and bitterness, either silently or verbally. Then we can go onto visualizing that forgiveness while in the state of relaxation.

3. We may now do a psychodrama with a person experienced in this technique. He can play the role of the person to whom we want to express our pain or negativity. He will ask us various questions which will help us to express even more clearly what we felt, what we thought, what we needed and the beliefs which were created within us by those events. Then after a few sessions we can do a forgiveness psychodrama in which we verbally forgive the other.