Gary was my only child. I was barren, but I kept praying to the Lord to let me have a son. After eleven years of marriage, He answered my prayers. I loved my son so very much. He was my pride and joy and reason for going on in life. I have suffered from major depression for most of my adult life.
He died suddenly and unexpectedly when he was 26 years old. He had never had any heart problems or seizures, but he had a grand mal seizure that threw him into cardiac arrest. He stopped breathing for too long before EMS got out to his apartment. I was told that he was brain dead. All that worked was his brain stem cell. The doctor said there was no brain activity left in him, and that if he survived he would be in a vegetative state for the rest of his life.
My son would not have wanted to live like that because it is not a life at all. We had briefly discussed what both of us wanted if something like that ever happened to either of us. Neither of us wanted to go on just existing.
Gary spent sixteen days in the hospital in Greenville, SC, half of that time being on life support. After eight days, they took him off life support. I was told by phone that he was wracked with seizures. That told me he was trying to come back. I couldn't leave my Mother alone here in Georgia. She was too old and too sick to travel that far. We were both sick with a kidney infection during that time. I couldn't find anyone who would come stay with Mother for me to go back to my son. His Dad had to handle everything. He passed away quietly, never regaining consciousness.
I was in shock. I didn't know how I was going to take care of my Mother when all I felt like inside was a dead woman. I still managed somehow to take good care of my Mother because I loved her so much. She lived another four years after my son died. I wanted to die because my life was over without Gary. Everything I did from that time on was like being a zombie, not alive, yet not fully dead either, just operating on some kind of auto-pilot every day.
It has been eighteen years now since Gary passed away. Time has not made it any easier to bear the grief that I constantly feel. Losing a child is something that no parent should ever have to go through. It doesn't even begin to compare with anything else I have ever experienced in my lifetime. Even divorce pales to losing a child.
I miss him daily. I still love my son as much as I ever did. I look forward to being reunited in Heaven with him and my Mother when God says it is time for me to come Home.
Both my son and I were Empathic Sensitives. I was not able to cope with his death. He began talking to me in my mind not long after he died.
Gary told me that God had allowed him to talk to me in my mind so that I would be able to cope with his passing. He said he had gone to Heaven the same night he had the seizure and cardiac arrest when his brain ceased functioning. He told me that when a Christian dies, they are immediately resurrected in a new positive energy body that goes to Heaven.
I could not have made it if Gary had not talked to me like he did. Coping with his passing has not been easy on me at all, but I am positive that I could not have gotten through that grief without his help, and I am very grateful to God for allowing him to talk to me.
He told me many wonderful things about Heaven.
He said the type of relationship that we both had searched for on Earth could be found in Heaven. He said when you enter Heaven, you feel the most awesome Agape Love from not just God, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit, but from everyone there. He said it is unconditional love, that there is nothing sexual at all about love in Heaven. He said there are always plenty of people to do things with and courses to take to further your wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of the things of God. He said there are no lonely or boring times in Heaven. All your needs are met instantly just by thinking of what you want. He said they can travel at the speed of thought to the farthest corners of the universe and beyond in an instant. He told me even if he could come back, he wouldn't want to do that because he is finally happy now. He told me not to feel bad about not being able to come to SC to the hospital because it wouldn't have made any difference. When it's your time to go, nothing can stop it from happening. He said I shouldn't feel guilty about not being there.
He talked to me often for about three months, then he told me it was time for both of us to move on.
During that time was when Hurricane Katrina came through the South. He said he and some of the young people who had family in this area were building a hurricane wall to protect us from those winds being generated. I remember the day Katrina went through this area. The Atlanta weatherman on tv showed us on Doppler Radar how the storm turned left and went around our county that day. He said he had never seen anything like that before in his life. I knew what had happened though.
He checks in on me once in a while. There are times when I am sure he and Mother are here helping me do things that I cannot do. He could do anything, and had a genius IQ of 160.
When Mother passed away, he came back in my mind and told me that she was in Heaven now in her new energy body, hugging all her relatives and friends there, and that she had no more pain, misery, or suffering anymore.
I couldn't have dealt with her death either if he hadn't let me know when she passed away, at the exact moment. I had left the hospital that morning and was just getting ready to return when the hospital called me and told me Mother had passed away. Her time of death was precisely when Gary had told me she was in Heaven now. She spent her last month in hospitals here and suffered tremendously. I was exhausted and worn out.
I am so very grateful to God for allowing me that special time with my son. In our last telephone conversation, we told each other that we love each other. He was trying to come down to Georgia to help me take care of Mother because I was so exhausted. He had been depressed and had been taking Xanax, but had told me he thought he had enough to do him until he could get another prescription. The hospital doctor told me he was holding an empty Xanax bottle, that he didn't have any to take and his brain needed it to cope with the stress he was under, so that was what was assumed to have caused him to have the grand mal seizure, that threw him into cardiac arrest. I know my son would not have told me he had Xanax if he didn't. So something else must have happened that night. God will get revenge on the people who are guilty. I am all alone in life now. I barely make it from one month to the next. I realize what it is like to have so much, then it can all be taken away in a heartbeat. Never take anyone or anything for granted, and always let your loved ones know you love each other every day.
