Avoided Til Now
what are you suppose to do when life bows down to a boring trot? i havent been able to find the answer.
something inside of me has always pulled towards something. Unfortunately I havent been able to follow it yet. i just havent found anything to cure what im feeling b/c theres an emptiness there that im yet to fill. evrything ive done in life seems to have been in vain since nothing has made me truly happy. whatever happiness is.
really-what is happiness? Can I describe it w/ words and compare it to objects in my evryday life? i hope not b/c my life is boring.
i keep searching for something and i wonder if i will ever find it. i might run out of energy before i reach it. what will i do then? live an unfulfilled life that will lead to an unfulfilled death? i couldnt deal w/ that.
there just seems like theres something i should be doing but cant. i really wish i could b/c it feels like some sort of strange torture.
what if i never achieve the greatness i think im headed for? will the world crumble beneath me?
i feel it falling already and if i slip i might not fill whatever void is inside of me.
i hate feeling futile. thats what boredom does to me. its as if im worthless b/c all i can do is sit around in confusion when all i want to do is pack up and move it on out.
i want excitement and to know what i want to have for the entirity of my life.
who cares if people think life isnt suppose to be fair. i think it should be and i want to get over this feeling. it hurts beyond imagination. there isnt even a description i can use to show everyone else how it feels.
theres always been more that i wanted. i just havent been given the chance yet. i was held back. im not sure why. all i know is that i watch others do the things that i yearn to do but i cant b/c no one wanted to give me what i needed to have a chance.
or maybe im just in denial that its my own fault.
im just waiting for this feeling to pass b/c theres things that i need that i cant find. my motivation is still not strong enough-not like it should be. so it is difficult and all i am is bored. bored w/ life-bored w/ MY life.
freedom is what ive longed for. will i ever find it?
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Email: AikaBear@juno.com
