Saturn Innocence
i tried to remember the times when things were good b/w us. it was so long ago. it seemed that the only times we could say that we loved each other were when we were having sex or on some sort of substance. those were our only passions. we had no real passions for each other, ourselves, or life.
still, we were married. we married young. we partially did so out of rebellion. our parents never gave us a single luxury, but would ask us for evrything that we possessed.
that was another 1 of our connections; lives built on sex, drugs, and uncompassionate parenting.
the only things we agreed on were those 3 things or our decision to never have children. the last thing we wanted to do was screw up another child for the generations to come. the human race has merely begun but already we are destroying ourselves. it was bound to happen. after all, the dinosaurs are gone. well, all except for their cousins, which scientists proclaim they are. i never cared much. it was a life i never lived.
right now im slugging down a bottle of vodka and finishing my stash of cannabis that i bought only a couple of days ago.
my wife and i werent a sharing couple and our relationship wasnt built on trust. in fact, we had our share of infidelities. we didnt care and to pretend to care wouldve been sacreligious.
our religion was not of normal standards. it was created in our feeble minds. the only thing that was wrong to us was to actually lie to each other. neither of us had a true concept of wrong or right. we did as we pleased and got away w/ it. our minds were too fried out on the pills and alcohol and anything else that we could touch to even care.
the only time i felt reality was when i was strung out. the rare times when im sober, evrything is nothing but a haunting nightmare.
presently, i decide to visit my current mistress. she probably had some sort of new candy to drown my venomous veins in. i did not love her anymore than she loved me. i was glad for that b/c even though i hated my wife that somehow that led to a twisted diluted love. no matter what i did to my wife ((even w/ beatings, infidelities, and curses)) i could not betray her by truly loving another. that, i believe, would kill her faster than any of my delusional violent escapades or her fixation for cutting and drugs.
she could kill herself no better than i. in some ways we wanted to die and yet our boredom of life dragged us on b/c for some reason we wanted more. we both had been to the hospital for things we claimed were accidents. of course they knew better, but they could do nothing. we had no insurance to pay for even a 1/2 days stay. our parents left us w/ no money. we were lost.
when i arrived at my mistresss house, she found a new area to enter the hypodermic needle. she promised that it was a new blend and something she had never felt before. i doubted she had ever felt anything, but wanted to enter the world of the lost. yet, too scared to go as far as i had. in that way, she was even more lost.
even as these thoughts entertained me, the heroine began to take over my system. i could feel evry physiological change in my body. i began to see things. the visuals were filled w/ blasts of firework colors.
i felt her tug my clothing from me. she was constantly horny and had slept w/ numerous amts of people. yet she was clean and taht made her stay innocent to me. she was also young. her short brown hair and large almond eyes that she smudged w/ dark makeup made her seem even younger than her 21 yrs.
i am closing in on 30 and would pass for younger if the drugs and world hadnt hardened my features.
i felt her fingers and tongue caress evry part of my body.
the effects of the drugs made it seem like a swarm of butterfly kisses. it was more sensuous than even making love. i thought i would orgasm even before i slipped inside of her.
my mind could barely keep on 1 topic as the blackness of my eyelids reflected playful images of purple animals and odd figures.
i felt her on top of me. i entered her moist heaven. i could feel her move. i did not hear her screams or moans, but felt them reverberate in my bones. i felt my body twist inside. i tried to gently move her off of me.
somehow it went wrong, even though i had no idea how it could. i could somehow feel her limp body at my feet and sensed that her breathing had ceased. i didnt want to see her so i closed my eyes and slept a hallucinating sleep...
when i woke, the effects of the heroine were gone. i was amazed that i woke. it was the best and worst dose i had ever taken. i had forgotten about my mistress until i moved and felt her body fall to the ground. it all came back in a mad flash.
i hadnt meant to kill her, but the heroine made evrything surreal.
i looked down at the child that i had been w/ for only a month or so. she looked more childlike, almost like a doll. i thought i owed her something, at least a small tear, but i couldnt muster one. i rarely cried and could not cry for the loss of someone so far gone. especially since i didnt even love them.
i covered her body up. i thought it would give her some dignity. as i did this, i saw that her neck was broken and a large bruise had appeared on her right cheek.
neither of us had the means to provide for a child. i had to get off of me. murder, even accidental, was a lil too far for birth control though. we were as poor as it got from spending our money on only passions instead of things that the rest of the world needed. i didnt care though. i didnt need the food, b/c it did not fill me when i ate it. i loved my hips jutting out. it was sensual and such an intricate part of me. i would run my fingers over them just to feel the delicate skin pulled tightly over the bone. i also did not need the clothing. i was not afraid of nudity. im not saying that i would be completely naked all of the time. i just didnt have the need to cover myself. also, i generally wore the same things; a black shirt and black pants. i knew i was lost so i played the part as well as possible. black was always gorgeous.
i outline my eyes w/ kohl. it hides my eyes when i am strung out. it isnt too hard to master normality. my black hair is kept long and strands constantly dangle in my eyes. they also bid my eyes so i would look sober. i had my tricks of looking alive.
i kissed my mistress on her cold, blue eyes as i felt. i did not bother erasing fingerprints or moving the body. no one would notice her disappearance. she had no one else in the world. she left them to become lost and to be a part of this world outside the norm. no other part of society would understand a childish girl who gave, sold, and bought drugs while giving her body away. she had belonged here somehow, but now she belonged to death.
i closed her door and walked down the unpaved road that led from shack to shack. it was home to me and in some perverse way, it was better than the clean, suburban, middle class neighborhood that i lived in during my youth.
i never though id live like this. i remembered watching pepl on tv a lot like i am except more dramatically . i thought id never be the victim. oh, but how life changes. you learn and evolve from childhood visions.
i thought of going home to see my wife, but i couldnt. the thought of her made me cringe. yet it filled me w/ some sort of euphoria. she was something i knew. it would get rid of the things i didnt know; death.
the absence of drugs was taking me from MY world. i was beginning to think and feel again. those were not things i wanted to do.
i walked to my friends house. he would always give a free handout if he had extras. he always did.
i knocked on the door. he allowed me in. we didnt say a word to each other. you see, the term "friend" is used loosely in my world. a friend is anyone who would give up some of their stash and give me some sort of pleasure. by that definition, my wife was barely a friend anymore. we were too far away from each other to receive anything at all. it didnt matter . there was no love.
my "friend" handed me a bag of assorted pills. he then escorted me to the door. we still did not speak. it was always best that way. besides, he was probably on something himself, off in his own world.
not evryone is a part of someone else world. as i walked down the st, i decided to take some of my new treats. they were a collection of acid and X. 2 of my favorites, especially when laced w/ something more tantalizing.
once again, images danced. a frightening smile came to my lips. there was nothing to see in that outside world. well, except for me and who cared to see me? no one. not even i.
the new feelings that the drugs brought were nothing like the nite before but at least the real things in my head were beginning to fade away. i realize that i am weak even after trying to convince myself that i was strong for so long. it doesnt matter though. i have no one to be strong for. i only live.
i believe i walk further down on this rd that leads to nowher. i sit and do not move. my eyes remain open to soak it all in. i fancy that i see my wife soothing me.
once again i wake to nothing. deep inside i feel emptier than ever. even when i realized that my life was lost i did not feel as empty.
i then remember the last thing i saw; my old worn out wife who smelled of youth.
my mind struggled to piece things together.
i decided to try and make it to the place that i considered home above all else. i stumbled around at first, but after much determination was able to move at a steady, teetering pace. i was filled w/ more urgency w/ every step.
i needed consistency in my life, w/o it i would surely die. i would be so far gone that even breathing could be forgotten.
when i arrived home, i hesitated a moment, weighing the chances of my mind being right for the first time in a long time. my swollen eyes saw nothing. my vision was clearer than ever, as if something came over me and purified my veins i found no trace of my wife. when i looked out my windows, i still saw nothing.
something inside of me was pulling me, something i never sensed before.
once outside, i walked to what used to be a beautiful flower garden. the vision of my girl invaded me. she was so beautiful when we first came here. she still had hope and her green eyes said more than her cherry lips ever could w/ a raspy bell like voice then. it was the first time i had smiled w/o needing anything but memories.
when i reached the garden, my wifes corpse laid beside it w/ her magnificent eyes of lost youth staring at the last baby blue petaled flower. it was as if they joined and shared each others pain.
i cried then b/c my constant was stolen from me and my hatred was removed. the girl i had loved remained, while the woman i had learned to hate had disappeared.
i said goodbye to the body and beckoned her soul to follow. it was mine now-i had taken it when i stole her body. we would always be the same...
my life changed after that day. my wifes spirit spoke to me w/o words, just like her eyes used to do. evrything matters and my life became a haze, all except for her.
i will never be able to remember a time when we were happy b/c i was too well hidden. but now we have forever to become what we should have been when we looked at youth and pushed it away b/c we thought it was silly. old age is what is silly.
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Email: AikaBear@juno.com
