Serenading Ending
Cutting myself became harder and harder to do. not b/c i didnt want to hurt myself or b/c my depression was subsiding. it was fear. not the fear of messing up and accidentally killing myself though. besides, i didnt think any death was really accidental ((there is always some reasoning for why someone dies. deaths just dont happen)). the fear was what people would say if they could see my pain and what would happen afterwards. i was afraid of disappointing others. not just any others, but the people i loved.
there was more than just fear that was stopping me though. the pain continued to ebb inside me. it dug further and further. i was barely able to caress it w/ any part of myself.
i couldnt stop it. it began to control me instead. i always felt it and would cry. im not sure what i actually cried for. i couldve been crying for the past, or even the present. mostly, i believed that i was crying for evryone that i knew. the pain was overtaking me. i grew weaker as it grew stronger. i could feel it. i think that made the pain even worse.
i could feel my end as well as the people who were dying of terminal illnesses and knew that death could appear at any sec and no one, not even them, could stop it could feel that oncoming fear of the unknown. the pain was my illness. i lived w/ it for so long and it felt like it was a part of me.
sometimes i indulged in it and felt that i loved it. other times i loathed it. it just depended on what i was doing w/ the pain. but back to cutting...
i sit here w/ a knife as i speak. i have no idea what i plan on doing w/ it. ive said that it has become hard to hurt myself. i just stare at the angry scars that carved themselves into me months ago and decided to make new ones, or not. i prefer to go over the old ones.
its like creating this grand masterpiece in my flesh in a way. why not become a work of art? i might not serve any other purpose in this life. i cant decide what to do though. decisions are always so difficult to make. it also really doesnt feel all that great when the decision you make is classified as "dumb." of course i shouldnt even worry about the "right" thing to do is at the moment. i worry too much.
most things dont matter anyway, but i make them seem like they do. i just try to make evrythign special and important i suppose.
i attempt to ponder what decision to make, but the phone rings. i answer it w/o even looking at the caller ID for once. i was just already boggled down and dint feel like paying much attention to my actions.
"hello," i said in a different tone of voice so it would not portray how i was feeling.
it wasnt an uncommon thing for me to do. i was always surprising myself by acting 1 way while feeling another. i had put on an act for so long that im not always able to shake it.
i have a great difficulty showing and expressing my thoughts and feelings. i use the wrong words or use them in the wrong order to send them across effectively. i am basically an ineffective sloth of society.
"does it really matter how im feeling?" i asked my love in return for his question of how im doing.
im sometimes too harsh when im in a self-destructive mood. i began to apologize. i attempted to use a better tone to portray how sorry i am. i was too. i loved him w/ a passion. he was the only reason i kept myself alive. i tried for him and for our future together.
i began to tell him how i was feeling and had been feeling. as i did so, i followed the curves and lines that created the tattooed designs on my body.
it was easy to tell him how i was feeling b/c i felt the same almost all of the time and he constantly questioned me about my feelings. i learned how to answer him by now the way he wanted me to.
i knew he cared, but i had been w/ him so long that it wasnt hard to share my feelings w/ him real or fake. i didnt mind that it had been the same person for so long at all. in fact i adored it. it meant that i hadnt scared him off.
i couldnt cry when he began to. the tears were there, i just couldnt dismiss them from my eyes. that isnt uncommon for me either. so many things werent uncommon anymore. i even bored myself.
before we said goodbye, he promised me that hed be right over. i rather have him not see me like this, but i agreed anyway. i needed him. his comforting would dispell the thought of cutting myself b/c i know i cant do it after listening to pleas and looking into his beautiful eyes. he is a beautiful person, more beautiful than i.
i was never able to distrust him. i would call him a liar as he put his feelings out there in the open, but it was not possible for me to truly believe it. i knew inside that he wasnt lying.
as i waited for him, i still pondered what to do. i would be glad to bring my pain to the outside. i was so hot inside.
i began to look towards some pills. i wanted to sleep. you cant feel pain while youre sleeping, but i still turned away from them. it would hurt him if i took them, almost as much as my death would.
i looked over at my clock. still another 10 min til he would arrive. i tried to wait patiently. i couldnt. patience is not one of my virtues.
i dont like to delay things, especially the inevitable. theres no point in it. id rather have it rush by so i wouldnt have time for other things. after all we only live once. at least thats what were told. might as well enjoy it either way. why wait for another life to become happy?
i dont think i should be able to speak on happiness. what do i know about it? im not even sure if its real. all i know is that my love and few other things make me feel a way that i cant explain. it might be happiness.
i look at the clock again. 5 min still remain. i begin to pace. multiple thoughts rush through my brain. many of them i cant even grasp before they were gone again. i wasnt too concerned w/ them b/c they were probably unimportant. i wrote down the important ones. i did that often in case i discovered something brilliant that i might want for a future occasion. most of it probably didnt make much sense. my dyslexia didnt help w/ that either.
i closed my book and placed it back on the shelf. as i did so, the doorbell rang. i took my sweet time answering the door. i always take my time moving from 1 location to another. i usually just dont have enough energy to move very fast. im assured that it annoyed people that i walked in front of. not that that was often.
i have a social phobia that progressively gets worse w/ each conflict.
i finally reached the door and opened it. he wasted no time and collected me in his arms. i pulled him closer and rested my head gently on his left shoulder. i had to rise to the balls of my feet to do this. i didnt really NEED to, but it was a habit of mine. i am short, just not THAT short. he also was not tall, but not short. we were the perfect height for each other.
after embracing for a few minutes and bathing in the intoxicating swarm of each others scents, our lips met. his lips were pressed softly against mine. neither of us pulled away. his tongue brushed upon my lips and it reminded me of a fragile, soft rose petal. he is beautiful.
i knew of nothing that ever before could match him. i doubt anything created ever again could challenge the beauty. i saw when i looked inside of him. i looked deeply b/c i wanted to sense evrything about him, not just his outward beauty. the beauty stood out on his very skin and danced around his aura.
we said no words. we only spoke through embraces and tender, loving glances. soon, though, i had to break the silence. i was afraid to. afraid to shatter the connection we were indulging in. i began to feel happiness, or rather a warmth, and i wanted to keep it, not destroy it for only a whispered phrase. i had to though. i needed to hear his pleas and to be able to reassure him that everything would be fine if i was able to be w/ him a lil longer. i wanted to taste the security that he brings.
he never denied me of anything. i tried to give him what i could in return. i dont think i fulfilled him though. he says i do and i try not to reject his words.
"i love you," i whispered to him softly.
it was 1 way to get the conversation started. of course i did mean it.
"i love you more," he whispered in rebuttle.
i decided not to continue the pointless dispute. id rather keep my emotions simply spoken.
"are you feeling any better?" he asked me as he led me to the couch.
we sat and my body rested against his. i felt the beat of his heart pounding gently below his rib cage. i took my small, frail hand and placed it on his chest. i felt joy when i felt the life inside of him.
"i feel better now that you are here w/ me," i told him as i turned towards him to peer into his eyes.
gorgeous light brown eyes. i usually found brown eyes boring, but he made them into something else. they reflected evrything i loved in the world.
he pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. it was lovely. i saw lovely b/c it was such an innocent act of affection. i smiled and fancied that my eyes were sparkling. i hope they were so he could see the adoration i had for him, especially at the moment.
we leaned comfortably against each other. i felt incredibly safe and my terrible thoughts began to leave me. he was good at making things that i was afraid to usually discuss disappear from my mind.
things i wanted to say to him filled my mind, but i uttered not a word. i was enjoying the comfort too much. pleasure sets you up for disappointment b/c there is always an end to it. in some cases i was glad. in a case like this, i am not.
circumstances make evrything change. things needed to be stable so may times but werent. at least not for me.
"well be together forever," he whispered so softly into my ear that i had to strain to hear him.
instead of speaking, i continued to smile. he knew what i would say. or he could at least guess. i would either say "always" or "forever is a long time." which ever came to mind first. i still refused to speak. i actually couldnt. i was holding sobs back. they were choking me, but i wanted to pretend like they werent there. i hated to cry. even in front of him. hed seen me do it before, but i hate to show any sign of weakness. i also wanted him to believe that i would be alright. he worries too much as it is and i want to give him a break from it. its the least i can do.
an hr passes and i still dont speak. i only thought to myself. i thought of things i could say and things i left somewhere inside. but i did not speak.
he decided to take a nap. i agreed to join him. when our bodies rest together, we become connected and feel to be only 1 instead of 2. he led me to my room. it wasnt far.
we stripped ourselves of clothing. it wasnt a perverse thing to do, but a symbol of love and to show our starvation for each other. his skin was cool against mine and i loved the chills taht ran up and down my body. it was almost as sweet as making love.
making love was as sweet as nectar. it fulfilled evry crevice of the need of living and breathing. it was more than just physical, but emotional and spiritual at the same time. i know many people say that, but they usually say it w/o feeling and so nonchalantly that you can tell that they are trying to convince you. they want to feel the sense of belonging to the world of love and true emotion instead of to the hell that they are really in. in their hell they are unfulfilled and evrything they ever do is fake.
we slide in b/w the sheet and comforter. our bodies touched and i felt shivers gently caress evry part of me. we looked at each other until our eyelids become too heavy and close involuntarily. the motion of his chest rising and falling lulls me to sleep...
when i wake from sleep, he was still sleeping beside me. he looked more beautiful in slumber than during his waking hrs. he had a childlike innocense shining through his blank expressions. he is no longer a child even though he is still younger than i. besides, no children do the things we have. maybe they do now a days. they all want to grow up so fast. i dont understand why. things only get worse the older you get. if its b/c they want to finally be heard they can still forget it b/c no matter what your age is, no one listens any harder. or even care more. they all only pretend to. at least as a child they tell you straight up that they dont care.
i thought i should sleep some more b/c he would be disappointed if he did not find me when he finally awoke. i had to move around though. i cant stand to be inanimate for too long.
i could have ADHD b/c its close to impossible to concentrate on anything and when i have energy i bounce around as if i was much younger.
before i left his side, i kissed him on his cheek. he stirred, but continued to sleep. a tear almost fell from my eye, but i was able to fight it back. i have no idea why it was there, but it was not unusual considering there have been many occasions where i felt like crying just b/c of the sight or touch of him. i think im just afraid of losing all of this 1 day. i knew it would happen at death. it was terrifying and sad b/c i wont know what to do w/o life. i hated life, but i knew that there were many wonderful things about it. i had such mixed feelings about it.
he wasnt the only one i would miss in death. they didnt mean less or more. some were past lovers, friends, or me. not really me, but she couldve played the part just as well. w/o her, in a way, i would disappear, or at least a part of me. i dont know what id do w/o any of them. life would be too different.
i slowly slid out from under the sheet so i would not wake him. i stood beside my double bed naked. i put my silk pink robe on that i had imported from Japan. it was short, but still elegant. this is the first time i had ever worn it. i rarely wear anything so revealing. not only was it short, but also see through.
i looked back towards my love still sleeping on my bed. he mustve been in a semi-troubled sleep since he began to move around a lil. i leaned over and kissed his cheek again.
as i moved away fromt he bed, i whispered, "i love you," into his ear.
i love his ears. im not sure why. its weird, but i cant help it.
i slowly walked from my room. i left the door opened.
i began to pace teh house and then decided to make him breakfast. i wasnt hungry. even if i was, i still wouldnt have eaten. i had a prob w/ eating, but i refuse to change. i guess i was afraid to. i loved the size i was.
i am quite a cook . at least I like to think so. ive cooked for him and others before. they seemed to enjoy it and said as much.
i began cooking the eggs ((w/o the yolks of course)) and then preheated the oven for biscuits. i placed 4 biscuits in the oven and then pulled a plate off of the bottom shelf of the cupboard. evrything was organized and easy to locate and reach. i rarely put things on the top shelves b/c of my short stature.
i threw the eggs on the plate. i decided to make fresh OJ. i began to squeeze the oranges, but the timer goes off so i have to stop what im doing and tend to the biscuits. i remove the tray of biscuits from the oven and put them and butter on the table. i then go back to making the OJ.
i hear him stirring in my bedroom, probably putting some clothes on.
i take the freshly squeezed OJ and pour it into a glass. i place it on the table as he walks into the kitchen. he pulls me close to him and places 3 pecks sweetly on my lips. he then backs away and looks at me. he goes to say something, but i placed a finger over his mouth and kiss it.
"dont say anything, just eat before the food gets cold," i tell him as i give him a light push to the table and tap him jokingly on his cute lil rump.
"eww," he says w/ a sexy tone as he taps my butt back.
"you spoil me. and why arent you eating anything?" he asks seriously.
"im not hungry. and dont start whining-you know i dont eat breakfast."
i began making a large pot of coffee as he begins to eat. i love coffee and lots of it.
he finished his breakfast and stands to bring his plates to the sink. i stop him.
"dont you dare. ill do it," i scold him as i take his plates from him and place them in the sink."
i enjoy spoiling him.
"tsk tsk. always spoiling me."
"you know i love to. besides, i do it b/c i love you."
"i love you too," he says as he grabs the tie around the waist of my robe and pulls me close to him.
i bend down to hug him. he smells wonderful. he always does. i pull out of his grasp and lead him into the living room. we sit on the couch holding each other. he looks at me, examining my eyes. i wonder what hell find in them. he kisses me.
"im going to have to go, but ill be back later, okay? youll be alright til then, correct?" he asks in a concerned voice.
i shrug my shoulders but tells him that i think so. we say our goodbyes and i love yous. we embrace until he leaves. i know he will be back...
several days pass, but we spend them together. theyre the best times we ever shared. my love for him grew-i didnt know that was possible. we became unbelieveably close. you would think my depression would disappear, but it didnt. i didnt try to cut myself though. i was still afraid to and it was still very hard. i wouldnt eat. in some ways i wanted to, but i didnt. he became more worried, but knew it was useless to try and change my mind, its my choice.
my health was failing but i said nothing about it. i felt it so much that it was more pain than i coudl bare and i wanted to scream. i didnt want him to know b/c i was afraid of hurting him. i knew he knew, but he said nothing b/c i asked him not to and threatened to not see him ever again if he wouldnt allow me to deal w/ my own probs.
once nite i coudl take it no longer. i poured my secrets out to him-the ones he already knew. i promised him that it was not his fault. he was the only happiness i ever knew. he didnt want me to go, but i explained to him that the pain was too much anymore and the starvation killed me. the melancholy that had shaken my soul did the same.
we cried for a long time. we made love and held each other. we proved evry feeling through words and actions. we wanted to pretend that evrything would be find and that death was not only a lil ways away. my fear was growing and i hated myself and my life more than ever. i cursed God b/c i hated him all along. i wont get deep into religion and God though. i wanted to not leave him-to maybe take him w/ me, but i knew that i could not. he needed to live and continue on even if it was a life w/o me.
one nite i couldnt move. my voice was drifting away. w/ my last breaths, i said all i could and brushed his tears away i refused to cry. he laid beside me and looked into my eyes until the very sec of my death. he couldve looked longer, but i was not there. he clutched on to me until his sobs wore him down. he fell asleep next to my corpse. i believed hed be fine.
the next moment i saw that he breathed no more.
now we float in the blackness of death, not knowing why, but at least we are together.
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Email: AikaBear@juno.com
