Paul just doesn't understand. He doesn't know how it is to love someone so much that you think about them all the time, all you want to do is be with them. I have a beautiful wife and son and all I want to do is spend time with them. He doesn't know what it feels like, he's never had that kind of love in his life...I hope he finds it one day.

He says he can't understand how I can walk away from it so easily. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I do it either, but I do. Sure, I love the roar of the crowd, the adoration, the spotlight. But it's not what I live for anymore...I've got a whole other life outside the business, a life I love. And I've still got my hand in the business with my school and my promotion and I enjoy that...

But I do miss the boys...Paul the most. He helped me through some hard times. Besides Rebecca he's my best friend in the world. I love him. But he's got to understand...

I don't want to miss all the firsts in my son's life. I don't want to see his first steps on a video tape. I want to be there coaching him along, holding out my arms for him to walk into. I'm not going to be an absentee father.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I've screwed a lot of things up. I'm *not* going to screw this up...this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I just wish Paul would understand...