((lyrics))
So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything
Lick around the divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete
Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead
Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore
In the back off the side far away is a place where I stay tried to say tried to ask I needed to all alone by myself where were you?
How could I ever think it’s funny how everything that swore it wouldn’t change is different now just like you would always say we’ll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you?
How could I ever think it’s funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through didn’t quite fell apart
Where the fuck were you?
I’m beginning to see why Daniel hates hospitals…They’re so oppressing. Like this cloud of dread is hanging over the whole place. Oh wait, maybe it’s just me. Sighing Chris leaned his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. "Damn you Daniel." He mumbled.
"I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he would do this." Heath said, his voice shaky. Ben nodded his agreement. "I mean I should be able too. I know what he’s been through. I’ve seen it. But…But to believe that he would actually do this. That Daniel, the same guy who always said suicide wasn’t the answer, could…" Heath faltered. Sighing, he messaged his temples.
"Heath, please, you’re upsetting your mother." He heard Daniel’s father say to Heath in a hushed voice.
"Sorry dad." Heath’s reply.
How can I keep this a secret? My best friend is laying in that room, he tried and almost DID kill himself and I’m keeping this from them. From his family. Oh god, they’re going to hate me. I could have prevented this if only I had said something. If only I had gone and told them he needed help. But he made me swear. He would have hated me even more if I had said something. If I had let his little secret out.
The doctor walked in, drawing Chris’s attention away from his thoughts. He listened as the doctor talked to Daniel’s parents.
"Mr. and Mrs. Johns." He said as they stood up.
"How is he?" That from Daniel’s mother.
Breathing deeply before glancing down at the chart in his hands, the doctor said the words Chris wanted to hear.
"He lost a lot of blood and we almost lost him once but he’s stable."
He’s stable. He’s stable. He’s stable. The words were repeating themselves over and over in Chris’s head.
"Is Daniel going to be okay?" Daniel’s little sister spoke from her spot next to her mother, where she had been since their arrival.
"He should be, we don’t think there’s any brain damage from the blood loss but we really can’t tell until Daniel is awake and alert." Seeing the expressions on his parent’s faces, the doctor went on. "I know that’s not reassuring, but it’s really all I can tell you right now."
"Can we see him?" Daniel’s mother asked. The doctor hesitated, glancing behind him towards the door of the waiting room.
"In a few minutes, not right now. We’re moving him to an ICU room so he can be watched over night-"
"But I thought you said he was going to be okay?" Daniel’s father interrupted him.
"It’s just a precaution. With a case as serious as Daniel’s, I want to watch him until he wakes up." The doctor paused as he nodded. "I’ll have a nurse come get you when you can see him. And don’t stay to long, he needs his rest." Both Daniel’s parents nodded as the doctor walked off.
"Chris, honey what’s wrong?" Katrina asked him. If only you knew…if only you knew… Chris thought. He shook his head. "I’m just worried and I don’t-"
"Save it. Now tell me what’s wrong Chris." Ben interrupted, sitting down next to him. Talking in a low voice he continued. "You’ve been sitting over here with Kat, not speaking to anyone but watching us all with this forlorn look on your face, since you got here. Now tell me, what’s wrong Chris." Ben said sternly. Chris sighed, staring at the floor. "What do you know Chris?" Ben asked again. Chris swallowed nervously. Tears gathering in his eyes. Chris looked up and noticed Daniel’s family had been watching while Ben talked to him. He swallowed again. "Ben…" He said in a hushed voice. "What Chris? What? We’re all just as concerned as you."
He shook his head. "No Ben, you don’t understand." Oh god, what am I doing? I can’t do this. Daniel will hate me. But… He could see the question in Ben’s eyes before he asked it. They deserve to know. They’re his family, I can’t keep this from them.
"Christopher, is there something we should know?" Daniel’s mother asked. When he looked in her eyes and saw the hurt, pain and the fear of losing her child, he knew he had to tell them. He couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.
"Yes." He whispered. "Yes, there is. But I fear that by telling you I’ll be killing my friendship with Daniel." He paused, taking a breath. "But I have to tell you."
Daniel’s mother was sitting in front of him, looking at him, waiting for him to go on when the nurse stepped in. "You can go see Mr. Johns now. But two at a time and only for five minutes." With that the nurse turned and left them alone again. As eager as Daniel’s mother had been to see him, she wasn’t moving now.
"Can I go see Daniel mum?" Heath asked, his eyes darting back and forth from Chris to his mother.
"Yes, go with your father." She said still looking at Chris. Chris watched as Heath nodded and walked to the door. His father behind him, silently giving him the courage and strength to go see his brother. "Chris." His attention went back to the woman sitting in front of him.
"Yeah I know…" He said nodding. He sat back in the chair, noting he had everyone’s attention. "He’s tried this before. Twice. With sleeping pills." He sighed, rubbing his eyes. "The first time he did it, I had gone over there because we were supposed to go hang out together. And when I got there, the door was unlocked which I thought was odd. So I went in and found him throwing up in the bathroom. The bottle of pills was open on the counter. He refused to go to the hospital or even his doctor and I couldn’t force him. And he made me promise not to tell anyone. Daniel practically threatened me. Hell he did threaten our friendship." Ben frowned when he said that. Chris stared at the floor again.
"What about the second time, Chris." Mrs. Johns asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Well, that’s when I SHOULD have said something. I had managed to convince myself the first time was an accident, but I couldn’t say the second time was. I knew it wasn’t." Chris looked away, towards the paintings on the walls. He was seeing the images that had been burned into his memory. The images of Daniel when he was 15, 18, and 20, and when Chris had found him in his bathroom that first time. But the one image that was staying, was the image of Daniel sprawled, unconscious on the floor at the foot of his bed. That damned bottle of pills on the bathroom counter again. It was almost like a dream, what happened next. He had knelt next to Daniel to find that he was conscious, but only just barely. Fearing that in the time it would take to get Daniel to the hospital it would be too late, he did the only thing he knew of. He forced Daniel to throw up. Chris sat by his side for 10 minutes, while Daniel rid his system of the sleeping medication. He had listened at Daniel curse him when he had the breath for it. The vision ended with Daniel curled up on the floor of his bathroom, sobbing and mumbling incoherent phrases.
Swallowing, Chris looked at the floor again, afraid to look in the eyes of the mother of his best friend. He looked up finally when he heard Daniel’s mother crying. Chris frowned, he didn’t understand why she was crying. He knew the situation wasn’t exactly great, but she had been holding up considerably better then anyone could have imagined. And then he realized, when he had been seeing Daniel all over again, he had been speaking it. He had just told Daniel’s mother more then he meant to and she realized just how, "fucked up" her baby was. Leaning forward to pull her in a hug, Chris whispered words he could barely even begin to believe. "It’s going to be okay. Daniel will be okay." A sob escaped her as Chris did his best to comfort his friend’s mother.
Katrina looked over at Ben, a pained, unbelieving expression on his face. "Ben." He looked at her, his eyes seeing her but not seeing her at the same time. She reached her hand out as a sign of comfort and he took it, squeezing it. Just then Daniel’s mother pulled away, her face streaked with tears. She looked up and saw her daughter sitting next to Ben’s girlfriend, Nicholia. Nicholia had her arm around her, trying to comfort the child. Mrs. Johns looked at her daughter, her eyes shining with unshed tears, as she was trying to be strong for her mother. As she opened her arms, her daughter flew to them, every ounce of strength once held thrown away as she sobbed into her mother’s shoulder. Chris felt even worse now, he had actually forgotten Daniel’s sister was still in the room. So not only did he tell Daniel’s mother, but he also told his younger sister every detail Chris remembered of that night. He sat back, sliding down in the chair. He couldn’t help but feel a pain watching mother comfort daughter. Daniel’s father walked back into the waiting room then, a look of sadness covered his face. He sat next to his wife and daughter and wrapped an arm around both of them as they continued to cry into each others shoulders.
Saying he felt horrible was an understatement. A very large understatement, Chris thought. A week had gone by and he still hadn’t seen Daniel. Not even when Daniel was released from the hospital and went to his parents. They had refused to let him stay alone, so he was back in his old room. Yesterday, Chris was told that Daniel had been going to a psychiatrist. Or had gone once. He had only been home for three days. I know he’s happy about that. Chris could imagine how that conversation went, Daniel being told he was going, that it was for his own good. Daniel refusing and then finally relenting when he tired of trying to change his parents minds. Maybe it is for his own good, maybe it’ll help him understand why I told his family. They had a right to know, and had it been him watching my family cry over almost losing me, he would have done the same thing. Wouldn’t he? Chris sighed and shook his head. "Of course he would." He said to himself just as he noticed he was at Daniel’s parents. The only car he saw in the drive was Heath’s. He looked out the windshield and rubbed his eyes. "Come Chris, get it together. You’ve known him practically all your life. He’s not going to hate you, it’s Daniel." He laid his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. "It’s just Daniel." He repeated.
Chris gave a last sigh and then pulled himself out of his car and walked up to the door to his friend’s childhood home and knocked, just as he always had. He heard the sound of running feet and for a second he felt like he was 16 again. Except it was Daniel’s sister who opened the door breathless, not his brother.
"Hi, come in." Chelsea said, stepping away from the door. "He’s in his room." And with that, she ran off towards the lounge, leaving Chris to make his way to Daniel’s room.
Chris hesitated at Daniel’s door, trying to decide whether to knock or just to walk in as he had done so many times before. He opted to just walk in, it seemed more natural. He pushed the door open slowly, swallowing down all his previous thoughts and fears. The phrase, "Blood is thicker than water" was repeating itself in his mind. He stood there, looking at Daniel for a minute before he said anything. Daniel was on his back, on his bed. His arms were spread out beside him, palms up wrists bandaged. His legs were hanging off the bed, bent at the knee. And he was just staring at the ceiling, his breathing even as if he were asleep. "Fascinating huh?" Chris said softly as he walked into Daniel’s room.
"Yeah." Was Daniel’s reply.
Chris stood at the end of Daniel’s bed, before looking at the floor. "Look, Daniel I want you to-"
"I don’t care." Daniel said, sitting up abruptly. A look of confusing crossed Chris’s face. "I know you told them, that’s obvious. All I’ve heard since I woke up at the hospital was ‘Why didn’t you come to us Daniel?’ and ‘Why didn’t you let us help you?’ And to tell you the truth, it’s getting annoying." Daniel said, a bit harshly. "Chris, I don’t care that you told them. But I do." Daniel said, his voice softer. He shrugged and looked down at his hands, which were in his lap. "Did that even make sense?" He asked looking up at Chris.
Chris nodded. "Yeah, it did. I just wanted you to know that I told them, your mum, because sitting there watching her…watching her cry like that was too much. I just couldn’t not tell her."
"Yeah, it’s alright. I should have told them." Daniel said, looking back at his hands. He chewed on his lip as Chris watched him. "It’s weird. I mean, I’ve been asked ‘why’ so many times in the past week and I don’t even know what to tell anyone. I don’t know why Chris. It just…I just did it." Daniel swallowed.
"Daniel, if you don’t want to do this, you don’t have too." Chris said, sitting down on the floor in front of Daniel.
Daniel sighed. "I have to any ways, so why not with someone I know and trust." He met Chris’s eyes, and they just sat there for a minute. Watching each other. Daniel looked down and rubbed his left wrist. "I really don’t know the answer. I just know that…" Daniel stopped, chewing on his bottom lip. "This isn’t even going to make any sense to you." He said after a minute of silence.
"What won't Daniel?" Chris asked. "Try me, you never know. May make complete sense to me."
Daniel looked at him briefly before looking back at the floor. "I had no intention of killing myself. I was just…I was in this morbid mood and I was just running the knife across my wrist. Imaging what it would feel like and I don’t know what happened. I remember cutting my wrist and then watching it bleed just like…like it was natural. And then I guess I passed out from the blood loss or something." Daniel finished, swallowing again.
Chris sat there, taking in what he had just been told. As completely unbelievable as it would seem to anyone else, as much as a doctor or psychiatrist would say or think he was just saying that, Chris took him at his word and believed him. "That makes sense. I mean I’ve known you since primary school, Daniel. I know you, and it does make sense for me." Chris said, leaning towards Daniel.
Daniel was chewing on his lip again, still rubbing the bandage on his wrist. "You mean you haven’t completely lost faith in me?" Daniel said in a low voice. "Because I feel like I’ve lost faith in myself and like I’ve lost my grip on things."
"Daniel…"
"I was really trying the first two times. Because that’s how I felt, that I was completely lost. I honestly felt it was the only way."
"And the last time?" Chris asked hesitantly.
"I told you, I just did it." Daniel said, matter-of-factly. "I wasn’t trying to kill myself."
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