Untitled
"I find it hard to love you..."
Those words rung in his mind like a broken record repeating itself. Stop. Stop. He wanted to scream, but to whom? To whom will he shout all his anger at, all his pain? He looked about his flat. A faint light was coming off the bulb in the corner. That was it. Everything else was dark.
"I find it hard to love you..." she had said, and then paused. The ground had suddenly caught her attention, and was shifting position as she stood, quite afraid to continue.
He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. "I wish-- I wish everything would go back as they used to..." She mumbled, aiming her sight at anything except his eyes. ".... but I... we know that that would be impossible." She placed one hand in her pocket, while the other one reached out and wiped the tear escaping her eye. "I'm... sorry. I'm sorry Dan-"
"Why?" he was able to say in a hushed tone. She looked up at him, quite surprised by his question- confused rather. "Why?" he repeated. He was now looking at her straight in the eye. The set of deep green eyes looking back at him. Those were the same eyes that taught him how to love again. And those are the very same eyes that are shredding his heart, his soul into pieces.
She turned away again. She couldn't stand to see him, the pain written all over his face.
"You know why Daniel." She started in a very hushed voice. "It's over. You know that. You just don't want to let go. For the past months... it's been so different. We seem so apart and we're definitely not like we used to. I can see it in your eyes, Daniel. By the way you act whenever I'm around. By the way you speak... hushed, careful like as if you're afraid to tell me something. " She paused, and took in a deep breath. She still refused to look at him because she knew it would be harder for her to explain 'why' when she's looking directly into his eyes.
"... these past few months... I just can't understand them. It's like-it's like we're holding on to something that has gone, that has just disappeared. We find it hard to put up with each other. Haven't you noticed? Most of the time we're fighting. If not, we would be spending our time in silence... We just don't feel the same way we felt-- Once that feeling is gone, it's impossible for it to come back. And we can't go on pretending as if there's still something there. You should move on..." She stopped again. Not wanting to go further. Maybe he won't understand. Maybe he's not even listening.
"Oh god! Daniel, help me out here. I don't know 'why'... I don't know how to explain..." She gathered the courage to look at him again. Fortunately for her, he wasn't looking at her. Instead, he had his head slightly bent down.
The silence was deafening. I want you to say something... anything. A simple nod or a word. Fuck, you could cuss, for all I care. Just tell me you're listening and that you understand me. She had that thought flashing through her mind. But he still wasn't moving.
It was almost sundown and they were the only people on the beach. There were a couple of people enjoying the sunset, but they were about meters away from them. She had called him up earlier, to invite him for a stroll on the beach. She had told him not to bring his 'beloved' dog along because she wanted no distractions and wanted to tell him her thoughts directly to the point. But now, she was finding it hard to do that. She couldn't say that he didn't love him. That would be the biggest lie she would ever have said. But she knew that it just wouldn't work out for them.
He needed help. Everybody knew that. No one was just brave enough to get involved. She thought she could save him. And she tried. For over a year, she had done nothing but try to save him... save him from himself. But it must've been the reason as to why she didn't want any of these anymore. She got 'involved' so much that she was also beginning to feel the emptiness he was feeling. And she didn't expect that to happen. She thought that she could easily pull him up but she was wrong... terribly wrong.
.
"I'm sorry too." He whispered. He looked straight at her, his blue eyes tainted with sadness and pain and a bit of anger. "I'm sorry if I've become someone who can't be loved..." He paused and looked back at what he had just said. Love? Did he just use the word love? The word he so greatly avoided whenever he was with her. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I loved you and you loved me back." His voice shook as he spoke those words. 'Loved you...' they were words that couldn't be found in his vocabulary. But now he was actually saying them.
He started to walk away. He knew he must. It was over. She hadn't said it yet directly, but her explanation was quite clear for him and he knew where that conversation was leading to. There was nothing he could want more than to hide and to think things over.
"Daniel..." she called. He wouldn't look at her.
He continued to walk, away from the only person that had completed his soul.
He pulled himself back to reality and away from those thoughts and found himself sitting on the couch, with a blank TV screen in front of him. The sun had completely gone down and everything in the room was dark. The light bulb in the corner was of no use. It flickered a bit and then dimmed.
He sunk low in his chair and tried his best not to think about what was causing his depression. But he couldn't. That was about a month ago. He hadn't seen her since, mainly because he had shut himself off from everyone.
His mind was telling him to get up and do something but his body rejected the idea. Instead, he shut his eyes and sat in darkness. Tears wouldn't come to him. He had learned how to block those tears years ago. They say that tears were somewhat releasing whatever feeling you were holding inside. But that was all a lie. Crying does nothing but prove that you're weak.
"weak..." He knew very well that he was weak. He could have easily proven to her that he had not grown apathetic to everything around him and that he, in some way, could still feel. That would've been a lie, but at least she wouldn't have gone away.
Numbness...that was all he was feeling now. He didn't even hear the front door open, and the heavy feet on the floorboards.
"Daniel?" Someone called. He could feel a hand shaking him lightly but he didn't make the smallest of
"god! He'd passed out!" came the same voice, this time louder. Though for him, it seemed like a hushed whisper.