He pulled her closer to him, burying his face in her long blond hair. Her hair smelled sweet, like fresh flowers. He knew he was lucky enough to have as beautiful a girl as her; in fact, he was pretty sure he even loved her.
Despite that, he couldn’t help feeling that something was wrong. Each time they kissed he was consciously aware of a tiny voice at the back of his mind telling him that his feelings for her weren’t as genuine as he thought they were. However hard he tried to ignore that voice it refused to go away and continued to bug him like a parasite.
There was a sudden explosion of noise. Daniel jumped, and used that as an excuse to quickly pull away from her. She laughed softly at his reaction, and said, “It’s only the car crash, Daniel.”
“What?” he murmured. Then he remembered. The movie. They were supposed to be watching a movie at his apartment, but they had somehow gotten...distracted.
“The movie, silly,” she chided gently. He stared into her eyes; they seemed to laugh down at him. So gentle, so beautiful...and he was so unworthy of her.
He couldn’t stop the sense of relief that had washed over him when the distraction came and allowed him to pull away from her. He flushed guiltily, hoping his thoughts won’t show on his face. He sighed, feeling more than ashamed of himself.
“What is it, Daniel?” she asked, her face creased with concern. And he could see that she was sincerely concerned about him, which only made him feel worse.
Sighing again, he mumbled, “It’s nothing, Sara. I’m just feeling kinda...out of it...today.”
Not wanting her to push it further (he didn’t know if she would), he quickly pulled her towards him and pressed his lips against hers, suddenly overwhelmed by the desperate need to feel something for this girl. This beautiful, intelligent, generally nice girl, who was undoubtedly in love with him. And he knew she’d do anything for him. Anything at all.
So why is it that all I feel is emptiness? he thought hopelessly. He tried to force himself to get into the kiss, but his mind was miles away. It all felt very surreal to him, as if this was only a dream that ceased to end.
Suddenly overpowered by an urgency to break the physical connection between them, he pulled away again. He could hear Sara’s heavy breathing beside him, and realised that he was breathing heavily too. He moved away, putting some distance between them. He felt Sara’s penetrating stare boring into him as he tried to think of something to say.
“Daniel, what’s wrong?” she finally asked. Her voice quivered a little and Daniel knew she was trying hard to suppress her tears. Feeling like a jerk, he lowered his gaze, fixing it on the floor.
Not looking at her, he replied softly, his voice breaking with...guilt? Regret? He didn’t know anymore. “Sara, I’m...sorry. I’m sorry, Sara.” He finally dared to look up, and saw tears forming in Sara’s eyes. He felt a pang in his heart, but he knew it wasn’t because it broke his heart to see her cry. It was because he felt bad about the fact that it was him who’d made her cry. Bad. Was that all he could feel now? Why couldn’t he feel love, like any other normal person?
Before he could continue, Sara spoke, her voice barely a whisper, “You’re going to break up with me, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. A fact. A truth. A future tense. Her words hung between them in the air, making Daniel squirm with discomfort. He knew he had to say something, perhaps to end their phony relationship, before it got any worse.
Clearing his throat, he said, “Yes. I...Sara, it’s not you, it’s me.”
“It’s not you, it’s me,” she repeated incredulously. She shook her head in disbelief. Abruptly she stood up, composed herself, and headed towards the door. Before leaving she turned to face Daniel, and said, “I don’t know why I wasted my time with you. I honestly thought we could have a relationship, something real. Just one real thing in my life.” She laughed harshly to herself. “Now I see what a joke that is.” With that she opened the door and walked out, letting the door slam shut behind her.
Daniel sat frozen on the sofa, making no move to go after her. Her words echoed in his head, “Just one real thing in my life.”
He could certainly relate to that.
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