"He's not at home." Chris said as he entered the car, shutting the door after him. I gave a disgruntled sigh and pushed my back against the seat of the car. In doing so, I hit my head on the rather hard headrest. "Ow! Fuck!" I exclaimed. Chris found it amusing though and started laughing his ass off. I just rolled my eyes and started the engine.

"Where could he be?" I asked. It was more of like a personal question that you'd leave to hang about the air and would rather be left unanswered. But then, I guess Chris doesn't understand that. "I think he's in that Jed guy's place again. I heard he pulled off this really wild party last night." He explained.

"What made you think he's there?" I asked again.

"Well, Liz got to go to the party and kinda bumped into him." I merely nodded at this. "Don't worry about him dude. I'm sure he'd fake out a spasm, if he could, just to stay away from these interviews." He said. And your point is? I wanted to pun at him but just let the whole thing down. I wanted to go back to Daniel's house and just wait for him there, to know if he's ok. But then, this stupid interview's keeping me from doing it. Why the fuck would they want to interview us anyway, without Daniel Johns the frontman?

I skidded past the red signal. No one was driving around that part anyway. Useless stoplights. Chris had turned on the stereo at an annoyingly loud volume. "Stay tuned, we'd be talking to Ben and Chris of silverchair in a while..." the radio announcer said in an oh so overly excited sort of way. Chris responded to this by turning off the set. I sighed, peace and quiet was more like it. It was 10 in the morning. I haven't had any breakfast yet and I had a pretty good idea that this interview would last more than an hour. Talk about starting the weekend right.

And Daniel's getting me the hell worried. The last time I saw him was about a week ago. I just thought it was a friendly gesture to drop in and say hello. I was outside waiting, the threatening sky above me. It was going to rain soon, as I remembered. I waited for about 15 minutes or so. I could tell he was home because his Merc was parked right outside the house. Being the lazy guy that he is, he'd always bring his car where ever he goes. Well, except for walking his dog, but then it was a quarter past seven and he should be home by then. I remembered knocking and no one answering. I tried the back door, windows and everything. Good thing there were no neighbors around or else I would've ended up in the police station for trying to break into a house. Actually, I wasn't that worried about getting in trouble with the cops. I was more worried about Daniel. Is he fucking deaf?

He didn't open the door until the rain came pouring down. And when he did open it, he was wearing an anomalous happy grin. It was almost like he's high or something. He invited me in, and he didn't even apologize for letting me stay out in the goddamn rain. I simply shrugged and followed him inside.

Man, was his flat in major disarray. There were papers scattered around his living room, even his beloved classic PRS guitar was edged up on one side of the wall, looking all dusty and abandoned.

"You need to get this place cleaned." I suggested, sitting myself on the blue comfy couch.

"Yeah, but it's really not my major agenda for this month." He replied. He was leaning on the dinner-table-turned-work-area facing me. It was always pretty dim in his flat, but then I could clearly see his almost protruding cheek and collar bones. He was just so abnormally thin. Doesn't he look at himself in the fucking mirror? Or does someone still have to spell it for him. He stood up from his former leaning position and headed for the kitchen. "Want anything to drink?" I heard him say from the counter.

"No thanks." I answered back.

I was pacing around the room when a sheet of paper suddenly caught my attention. I picked it up and read the first lines. "Disturbed. Lost. Confused. Until you came 'round, reversing everything I believed in. Til' you defied every reality I resolved in." Weird. His writings grow weirder and weirder by the minute. I read the following lines in disbelief. "And I'll crucify myself for you. Do whatever I could to have you..." It was some sort of an ode to an obsession, but with whom... what rather. I was so curious about the whole 'ode' that I didn't even notice him creep up behind me.

He grabbed the piece of paper from my hand and offered me a glass of water. I gave him a discerning look. "Um, it's water. You drink it." He said sarcastically. I turned my attention to the glass. I wasn't really thirsty or anything, but for the sake of it, I drank about ¼ of it. I looked back at him and he was shredding the paper to tiny little pieces. He faced me, still with that agitating grin on his face. "Done?" he asked. Then got the glass from me. I was beginning to think he offered me the drink just so he could grab that piece of paper from me. He headed for the kitchen again and I noticed that there was this certain bounce in the way he walked. Damn, now I was certain he was high on something. I heard the sound of crashing plates in the kitchen.

"You ok in there?" I hollered.

"Yeah." Came his reply. He reappeared in the kitchen doorway. "Stupid plates." He commented while walking towards the living room.

He lunged himself to the couch, then started channel surfing. Come to think of it, we really didn't talk much. I was just too confused to start a conversation or anything. And he wasn't himself, so there really was no way to get an intellectual talk running. I stared at the TV screen as the quick and garbled up images set this unusual trance. God, his channel surfing was making my head whirl.

"Dan." I suddenly had the guts to speak up. I was answered by a muffled 'humm?'. "Is there something wrong with you?" I asked. He suddenly dropped the remote control and sat himself up. He was looking at me with a puzzled expression.

"What made you ask that?" Oh god, I knew I shouldn't have asked that. I just gave a small shrug.

"Nothing. I just thought you were acting odd lately." I think I saw him give a slight nod, then picked up the remote and continued skimming through the channels.

A part of me was thankful he ignored my question, yet I was still curious... more of worried really. I sighed and sunk low into the sofa. "What if I said something IS wrong." I heard him speak up. I shot him a surprised look. "What if something's wrong. What could you do about it?" he continued asking and stood up. I opened my mouth to speak, but I can't seem to find the right words to answer that. He scoffed at me. "Where the fuck is Mr. Eloquent Ben?"

Finally, I regained my thoughts. "Whatever it is Dan, we'll help." I explained. Like as if that statement would solve everything. I was about to fuse in the 'we'll be here for you' bit. That phrase had been repeated countless of times on cheap TV and movie lines. It seemed to work then, but this is reality. I know Dan's dealing with something big, otherwise he wouldn't be acting so defensive. And if I know him, he wouldn't just blurt it out. You'd have to find his problem yourself. And because of him being stubborn and all, it's almost easier to just give up on him. But no, I won't fucking do that. I can't do that.

"How could you help?" he raised his tone a bit, breaking the tensioning silence. "You guys don't even want to get involve in whatever fucking problem I have." He was shouting now. I wanted to shout back at him and clear out my point that I wouldn't have been there if I didn't care. But then that would've made matters worse. So I just stood up and skimmed my mind for the right words to say. "We're trying to help you Dan, if you'd just-"

"Ha! You're about the fifth person I've heard that statement from" He cut in. Again, I got lost in the mind battle I've unconsciously made. He kept quiet for a while, his stare expressionless. Was he waiting for me to say something?

"We want to help you." I couldn't find anything else to say.

"No, Ben. You're not fucking helping. You've never even tried. "

"Look, we know you've been through a lot lately..." I was trying hard to keep my tone down. His obstinacy was getting on my nerves. Why can't he just understand that we're there to help him and not cause him more pain?

"You don't know shit Ben. You don't have any fucking idea about what I'm going through." His voice was breaking. Was he crying? It's hard to tell because of the murkiness of the place. But he was. I saw him draw his hand to his face to wipe off a tear. No, shit, he can't cry. I still would've had the chance to control this whole conversation… if he just didn't cry. Why was he making it hard for everyone else? Dammit Daniel, what is wrong with you?

"You're pathetic." It just came flying out of my mouth. I never really intended to say it. I wasn't even thinking about saying such a thing. But then I had no other words to say. Those bitter words voluntarily got themselves out of my mouth. I bit my lower lip hard, wanting it to bleed just so to serve as a nemesis of those words. So at least bit I could punish myself for saying them.

I saw him move a step backward. He was quite shocked I said this. Maybe he was expecting that I'd be a bit more understanding and patient. I tried, really. He was trying hard to repress a sob that was trying to escape his throat. He took another step backward. "Dan, I didn't mean-" He shook his head.

"Fuck you." He whispered, turned his back, then hastened his way up to his room.

Why did I even say that? I only wanted to help but I guess I caused more trouble than actually help. "Shit." I cursed under my breath. Talk about mood swings. He was all smiling one second, then the next he's crying. I figured that it would've been because of the influence of something. Damn you Daniel. Why did you fucking settle with that? Drugs ruin people's lives. It would've ruined mine if I hadn't stopped. It's almost unthinkable that worry-free, 'animal' Ben Gillies has his own set of problems. But I do. I'm just good at masking them with awkward actions and smiles. And I can't afford to let anyone know because I'm not sure anyone would care.

"Ben." I felt a sharp nudge on my side. I turned to look at Chris who was giving me this peculiar look.

"What?" I retorted.

"You just fucking missed the radio station." He said frowning.

"Shit." I stepped on the breaks rather abruptly and put the clutch on reverse.

Good thing there was still a good parking space around that place so we didn't have to walk that far. I parked the car near a shady area and got out. Chris followed closely behind. I didn't want to converse with him or anything so I quickened my pace. Maybe I wasn't fast enough or maybe Chris was some super-human but anyway, he caught up with me just before stepping into the building. "What were you thinking back then?" there was a tone of mockery in his voice. I simply shrugged, as I continued walking towards the elevator.

I would've preferred taking the stairs, but then we were running late. I was about to suggest that Chris take the other elevator when we saw Watto coming up to us. "Good. You're here." He said, looking at his watch. "Yeah, good morning to you too." Chris said almost sarcastically but didn't quite hit the pun. Watto didn't even note this. The three of us boarded the elevator. Chris was talking to Watto about the wonders of broadcasting when we reached the fifth floor where the studio was supposedly located.

We walked out of the elevator and took a right turn to a long hallway. A tall bald guy with sunnies greeted us. He was trying hard to put a smile on his face. In truth, he was probably annoyed because we came in late. He began talking to Watto while they walked ahead of us.

"Were you thinking about Jes again?" Chris suddenly popped up a question out of nowhere. But then actually, his question caught me off guard. Why the fuck did he remind me about her. Oh shit. This is just great. I answered him with a blank stare. "Oh come on Ben. She dumped you ok, so deal with it." He finished and started walking to the studio.

Jessica. That fucking bitch. She dumped me because she said she wanted space. And the next time I saw her, she was in the arms of another guy. I was shaking my head as I walked, my pace slowing down a bit. I shouldn't have expected too much from that relationship. I knew it was going to end in some way or another but I still fell for her. I guess that part was my fault but still, it's just so unfair. Dammit, I shouldn't have fallen for her. Why did I even take that relationship so seriously?

I can't ignore the fact that I still love her. I just don't know if she even loved me back or maybe she was just with me for the money. Maybe she got scared when I told her that I love her. It was a pretty odd way to react but I guess she didn't know what else to do. Or maybe this was better for both of us. Maybe my emotions were just misled. Maybe I don't really love her. Maybe it's just the feeling of temporary emptiness that's killing me inside.

Before I even knew it, I was having the old 'maybe' debate in my head. I tried shaking my head to get rid of the thought but then I can't. I bent my head down a bit hoping that no one would notice my cheerless expression. It's been over a month and I still can't quite accept that she's gone. I really have to stop thinking about that stupid relationship. Relationships are always bound to falter. I sighed and if I hadn't looked up from being oddly transfixed to the floor, I would've bumped into Watto.

"You ok?" he asked. I nodded then faked a smile. "Well, the interview's about to start. You better get in there." Again, I just gave a nod and followed Chris inside the booth.

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