The interview lasted for hours. And I think it would’ve lasted for days even if Watson weren’t there to stop it. He was able to come up with this lame-ass excuse to get us out of there. I think it was something about some scheduled photo session. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the typical alibis most managers and fairly ‘important’ people would come up with.
It’s good to know that Watto had gotten the hang of managing our band and all. He’s been with us since we first started touring. He was there when we recorded our albums. He’s been in every fucking interview I could think of, well, almost all… But, in particular, and what I’m really grateful for is that he’s really been trying to help us sort out our lives as so not be completely dissolved in this whole ‘rockstar’ lifestyle. But, sad to say, he can’t really help us that much. I mean, there’s always this holding back in our part. I guess, it’s not really his fault. But we… I – appreciate all the help he’s been giving. It’s just that there’s no way he could understand our situation and wallow into our thoughts unless he’s actually the one in our shoes.
“You’re not yourself today.” Came a voice from behind me. I turned around briefly before gawking back at the tall windows. I really don’t know how to answer that. I didn’t even know if it was an actual question. Watto casually walked up beside me, hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Something bothering you?” He asked, looking down at the busy street below us.
“Um… no. I’m fine. It’s that stupid interview.” I answered and I even managed to let out a small laugh at the end of my statement. Really good cover-up. Watto was about to say something when the same bald guy, whose name also happened to be John, came out of one of the cold gray doors found in that stretch of corridor. Dammit, there were just so many ‘Johns’ in this world. I should really thank my mum for calling me ‘Benjamin’.
John came up to Watson, and once again, they were talking about important business matters. I was half-listening to what they were talking about… something about a record deal? Boring. In a matter of seconds, I had completely blocked myself off of their conversation.
I continued staring down at the street below when a red convertible passed by. Jes had a red convertible just like that one… I remember driving it once down the very same road I’m looking at. That was about some months ago. She was sitting in the passenger’s seat, nibbling on a chocolate bar while flipping through the radio stations for something suitable for the cruise. A familiar tune came up to my ears… “You… wait ‘til tomorrow.” I glared at her. She smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. “Oh, please, change the damn station.” I said. She shrugged as she quickly changed the music.
“I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to listen to your own great drumming, Ben.”
“Cus it’s embarrassing.” I answered quickly.
She rolled her eyes, fluttering her lashes at the hard wind. We were silent for a moment. I didn’t mind it then though. It almost felt like everything’s perfect. That everything’s the way it should always have been. I was there driving, with her beside me. We were two carefree souls back then. I almost felt like as if the wind’s blowing away all the paradoxical thoughts in my mind. Nothing else mattered now except sharing this moment with her.
It was four in the afternoon and we still had about an hour or two before the sun would completely disappear on us, then I would have to drive her home. I almost wished we had more time in our hands and that the sun would stop sinking with every damn second that passes. I could just sit there driving, her beside me, for hours without end. I really didn’t care where we were going. We could’ve gone around in circles around Newcastle for all I care. But there was nothing compared to being seated there with her, having the cruise of my life.
“Yeah, this is more like it” She almost squealed, pulling me back to reality. She propped her back on the seat of the car, closed her eyes, and enjoyed the music. Letters To Cleo was playing. It was one of her favorite bands. She never really liked my kind of music. She said it was too dark for her and I think I understand why. Her whole life has been paved for her. I rarely see her frown or hear her talk about problems. And because of that, I never even thought of opening up to her. I didn’t think she could handle or at least even help out with my problems. But, every now and then, I tend to forget all about those stinging thoughts mainly because she’s there.
“I want you to want me…” came a feminine and almost whiny voice from the speakers. I simply shrugged. I guess I could settle with this one. Maybe I should even be grateful it weren’t some teenie magnet boyband. I watched her from the corner of my eye as she lip-synched with the song, using her chocolate bar as her imaginary microphone…
“Yo BEN!” I turned to look at Chris sporting an annoyed look on his face.
“I’ve been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes!” he raged on. I glared at him and sighed. “What’s wrong?” he asked, in a much toner and softer voice now.
“Nothing. Just… things.” I replied, staring at the ground.
Chris looked as his wristwatch. “Well, are you planning on hanging out in this building. Just tell me so I could start walking home.” He said sarcastically.
“Dammit Chris, just get your fucking car fixed OK?” I snapped as I walked towards the lift with him walking close behind me.
“I’m home.” I said as I entered my house. My voice seemed to echo around the empty space, making me feel even emptier inside. I’m home, and like as if anyone would care, except maybe for the bare white walls that seemed to sigh along with me. I got my shoes off and threw them in one corner of the room, then barefoot, I walked over the smooth wooden floor to the kitchen.
I pulled out a glass from the cupboard, skidded my way to the fridge and got out a carton of juice. I also grabbed a Tupperware containing some leftover food. I glanced at the wall clock quickly, noting that it was already two in the afternoon. I haven’t eaten anything for half the day, which was most likely the cause for my growling stomach.
I was about to exit the kitchen when the blinking answering machine suddenly caught my attention. I pulled out a stool and arranged my food on the counter before pushing the ‘play’ button. “Hey Ben, Jason here. I got a few of your CDs… I thought I’d just let you to know. I’m giving them back sometime next week… or next year if you don’t mind”
*Beep*
“Hey Ben, it’s Charize. It’s been a while since we last talked. A phone call would be very much appreciated, you know.”
*Beep*
“Ben… pick the damn phone up… oh well, it’s Heath. Call me when you hear this.”
I pushed the stop button. Heath? That’s odd. Why exactly would he call me? I mean, yes, he’s my best mate’s brother and all but we rarely see each other, much more talk. I got the receiver and pushed in Daniel’s recent number. I’ve actually forgotten the Johns’ household number since Daniel moved out, and so I was planning on asking him his old home phone number so I could contact Heath. It wasn’t that much of a complicated procedure, unless Daniel actually forgot his own home number.
Busy. That’s weird. Daniel is actually using his phone? Or maybe he’d finally pulled the phone line out of its socket. Oh well, I guess I’d just have to do it the hard way. I got out a small tattered notebook from one of the drawers in the counter and shook it ‘til a folded piece of paper slipped out of it. I unfolded it and there, written with a blue marker was Johnsy’s number. I picked up the receiver and dialed it.
After a few rings, I heard a familiar voice on the other end. “Heath?” I asked.
“Yeah, who’s this?”
“Ben.” I replied and waited for him to speak up about whatever it was he wanted to talk about.
“Yeah, hi, what?” he asked.
“Why’d you call earlier?”
“Oh, um… nothing.” It was obvious in his voice that he really did want to say something.
“Oh yeah, real nice… c’mon what’s up?” I inquired again.
I heard him sigh before continuing. “It’s about Daniel…” he started. “I’m… we’re just getting worried about him. I haven’t seen him for what…” There was a slight pause. “Two months!” he calculated.
I was trying my best to be calm about this. I was fucking worried too but I couldn’t let Heath or Chelsea or his parents know. Maybe they’re actually expecting me to be cool and have total control over whatever’s happening with Daniel now. Yes, I guess that’s what I’m here for… the mediator between the introverted Daniel and his anxious family members. It’s reasonable enough. I’m still able to talk to him at least. Wait, that was a week ago, but it’s a whole lot shorter than the two months since his family had talked to him.
“So…” I started smoothly. “What should I do then?”
“Maybe you could go talk to him, ask him what’s wrong and maybe convince him to at least visit mum. She’s been a nervous wreck for the past weeks now. She’d drop by his house but he’s never home and she’d call him up and everything but he won’t pick up…” his voice trailed off. “Just… help him.” He finally said.
Help him. It seemed so easy to say. Help him? How could I do that when I can’t even help myself? It made no sense at all. I might put on a great visage, always fooling around and joking. But things aren’t always what they seem. Deep down inside, I’m crumbling into tiny pieces and nobody ever, ever understood that.
“Yeah, I will.” I answered almost hesitantly.
“Thanks heaps.” He said before putting the receiver down.
OK, thanks to my big mouth I had two problems to deal with: My own problem and that of Daniel’s. I took a bite off of what appears to be leftover pizza from the other day. I didn’t mind if it were cold as ice and tasted as bland as unsalted chicken, or if the fungus-like green spots on it were truly mold. I felt as though my mind had lost its control over my actions. I kept on eating the goddamn pizza until only crumbs were left of it. Staring down at the used plate, I scanned my brain for some idea on how I’ll handle my fucking problem and at the same time help Daniel with his.
It’s my decision if I should help Dan or not, right? I mean, firstly, I have my own problems to deal with. I can’t go around helping everyone without getting over my own set of problems first. It’s impossible for someone to do that. And yet, it’s also impossible for someone to leave his friend alone in the midst of a sea of troubles. I can’t leave Daniel behind. It’ll be too selfish. I know he’s been through a lot… depression, anxiety attacks even anorexia. But he was able to survive those… I’m just not quite sure if he could still handle such emotional problems. He just might not make it this time.
I turned to the wall clock again. Two-thirty. Why was the time running so slow this time? I didn’t want to spend the next six hours or so trying to sort out things. I needed to get out of this house, talk to someone… hell, fucking do anything just to desist these depressing thoughts.
I remembered what Chris said earlier, that I should forget about Jes. Maybe he’s right after all. Maybe she’s the one who’s causing me all these pointless sadness. I should just fucking get over her. It’s been almost a month. But first I need to talk to her for just one last time, to sort things out and let her explain why she left me. I got the receiver again. After much hesitation, I finally got myself to dial her number. After two rings, she picked up.
“Yeah?” came her voice. It was always sweet and it just matched her almost perfect personality. I remembered calling her a ‘bitch’ a while back but now, I’m almost regretting that I’ve said that. What if she really had a reason behind her breaking up with me.
“Helloo…” she hollered. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice, but it never took away that tinge of sweetness to it.
“Jes?” I was able to say. I bit my lower lip, hoping that she won’t put the phone down on me.
“Ben…” she started. “… I’m quite surprised you called.”
“Yes, well, I called ‘cus… I was wondering if one of these days, we could… you know…” I was staggering. Great, half my brain wasn’t working properly. I scanned my brain for something to say. There was silence at the other end. And I just wished she hadn’t put the receiver down yet. “I was wondering if maybe we could talk and sort things out.” There I’ve said it. That’s all I wanted, just a nice friendly chat
“Ben…” she said in a soft voice. “You know I’m with Trav-“
“Travis.” I cut in. “Yeah, I know. But I just wanted to talk to you about something and settle things…” She paused. I could almost hear her debating with her self. Then I heard her sigh. “All right. When and where?” I almost felt like jumping, like as if this heavy load’s been removed from my back. At least I’m halfway through solving my problem with her.
“How about tomorrow night…” I really tried to contain my joy, but I guess I wasn’t that successful. “Um… can’t. Family dinner… what about Monday?”
“OK,” I replied. I didn’t care what day. I just really needed to talk to her.
“So, it’s set then.” she said finally. “But could Travis come along?”
Ow, damn. No he can’t. I want to be with Jes for at least one last time. Talk like we used to do. I want to be alone with her and have that endless cruise along the beach again. Then she can sing along to Letters To Cleo or Killing Heidi or whatever band it is she liked. I miss those conversations we had and those Saturday evenings we’d spend watching some dumb rented movies. And, I think I still love her…
“Ben?” her voice pierced through me, bringing me back to reality.
“Um… Travis? Yeah, sure, why not?” I responded hesitantly.
“Great, just call me up for the exact place and all OK?”
I nodded, as if she’d see my head move. “Bye Ben, see you.” With that, she placed the receiver down. My whole soul seemed to crash along with the sound of the busy tone constantly ringing in my ear. One thing’s for sure… I could never have her back.
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