Another dull morning and another uneventful day up ahead. I laid half awake in bed, the blue sheets tangled around my lean body. My eyes started scanning the familiar view of my room. Nothing unusual. There weren’t signs of any robbery or any alien invasion while I was asleep. The bedside table was still covered with used tissue papers and an inch thick of dust. The stack of dirty clothes was still on one corner. My guitar was edged up a blank white wall with some papers underneath it. Everything seemed normal to me. I don’t know if living in such a rundown and almost derelict room as mine was normal for others though.
My gaze fell on the draped windows. The bright daylight tried to seep its way through it and there were small stretches of translucent light running above my head and creating some sort of a light show on the ceiling. It was just too bright for me. I turned my back against the covered windows. No matter how thick those drapes are, the sun always found its way into my room. Not that I hated it. But it reminded me so much that I should get out of bed at one point and actually start my day. I closed my eyes hoping that sleep would come back to me… but instead I thought of last night’s conversation with Jane.
So far, I know that she’s 24 and was originally from London. She got married at 19 and got divorced at 22, and that she wanted to be a lawyer but couldn’t because of personal reasons. As for my part, I only told her that I was a vocalist/guitarist of a band. I don’t know if she’d even heard of silverchair and I don’t think she’d even give a damn. She was that kind of person who wouldn’t really stick her face that much into the music industry or show business in general.
We were on the phone for almost an hour. That’s a record-breaker for me. I never stay on the phone that long. I just don’t like talking to people that much. There just aren’t enough subjects to talk about. And whenever I do talk to people on the phone or even talk to them in person, my perspectives are always on the contrary of what they’re saying.
As for Jane, I’m not sure how I was able to talk with her on the phone for a good hour or so. It’s probably her rich vocabulary and that certain twang in her diction that I found interesting. She said that most natives of London had that ‘cockneyish’ dialect. Or maybe it was her very vivid thoughts and our almost compromising ideas. She had deep and unblemished perspectives about life. She certainly was the type I could talk with all day long and never run out of topics to talk about. Even the boring subject of ‘law’ suddenly became interesting while I was talking to her. She’s a very witty person indeed. It was true what Jed had told me about Jane probably hitting it big if she were a lawyer.
I also asked her if she wanted to go to the beach with me later this afternoon and she actually said yes. My lips unconsciously curved up to a smile. There’s something to look forward to for today after all. I sighed and pulled the bed sheets to my chin. I wasn’t planning on getting out of bed soon.
Everything was silent, except for the distant sounds of the crashing waves. I could easily fall back to sleep because of this serenity. Then, I heard Sweep’s frantic barking and someone shouting from downstairs. I sat up in bed, quite startled at the sound. And just so to make sure it wasn’t just my imagination, I sat there for a moment, trying to distinguish if it was real. Finally, I drew my almost numbing body off the bed. I grabbed a shirt hanging from the post of my bed and a pair of jeans scattered around the floor and put them on. I ran out of the room and made my way down the stairs.
Once I reached the living room, I immediately noticed Sweep barking and clawing at the door. I could also make out a figure through the hazy glass of the front door. Who’s the fuckwit that would visit me at this time of the day?
“Hey Daniel. Open up, it’s Chris!”
Ok, I had to ask. I unlocked the front door and jerked it open.
“Hey.” Chris greeted as he patted my back and walked into the house.
“Hey.” I greeted back. I closed the door and followed him to the living room.
“Oh, nice flat Johnsy.” He commented as he saw the devastated area. “Ya breed roaches in here mate?”
I gave him a nasty glare before sitting down on the sofa. I was feeling a bit dizzy, probably because of moving so suddenly. And watching Chris move from side to side about my flat made it even worse.
“Chris, sit down please.” I said.
He looked at me and shrugged. He sat on a couch and silently picked on the loose hemming of the decrepit piece of furniture. I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. Odd, knowing Chris, he would be blabbing away at light speed. But I was quite thankful that he just kept silent. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone at that moment, well, except Jane maybe.
“I got my car fixed today.” Chris suddenly spoke up. I didn’t even know his car was broken. I looked up at him, but he was still fixated on plucking the loose hemming of the seat. I just nodded at his statement, hoping that he saw my gesture as so not for me to repeat it. “Anyway…” he breathed. “Um… Ben was asking if we could come along with him Monday night.”
“I don’t know…” I answered almost automatically.
“C’mon Dan, we hardly see you nowadays… what’s wrong?” he asked. I just gave an exaggerated sigh and turned away. “Look, Dan. Ben told me what happened when he last visited you.” Flashes of last week’s event came back to me.
That Ben is such a fucking bastard. What does he know about me? And who gave him the right to tell me that I’m pathetic? Dammit. He thinks he could fuck around with my brain and then later on tell me that he only wanted to help. I’m not that stupid. I could clearly see through his glazed eyes that he’s sick of having to look after me. But it’s his fault. I never asked for his help in the first place. I don’t even need any help from anybody. I’m perfectly fine!
“Are you about to pull another one of your ‘Help-Me-I’m-Depressed’ stunts on us?” Chris continued. I shot him an angry look, silently telling him to stop. He just shook his head at me and stood up from the couch. “What’s it gunna be this time huh Dan? Schizophrenia? Your classic anxiety-attacks?”
I stood up from my seat, trying to ignore Chris’s painful comments. “Did you come here just to mock me Chris?” I cut in. He finally stopped talking and looked at me straight in the eye. “Well, if that was your reason for dropping by, then you probably should just leave then.” I tried my best to hide my anger and the pain I was feeling that moment. The tears forming in my eyes probably gave me away though. “Chris, please leave.”
I watched silently as he made his way to the front door. The light came pouring in as he pulled it open, giving the murky room some eerie glow. Chris just held the door open, as if he’s debating on whether he should go or stay. I’d rather he go. “We’re just worried about you Dan.” He said before exiting the door and closing it behind him.
“Bullshit.” I whispered under my breath. Once again, the whole room was enveloped in this very uneasy dimness. I absently wiped the tear running down my face and sat back down on the sofa. Tears. I fucking hated tears. They were only placed there to serve as some sort of a self-derision and to remind you what a sore loser you are.
I was feeling it again. The depression I get whenever I withdrew myself from those wretched drugs. I looked at the counter. The pack of smack was still atop it, calling me to use it. I slowly stood up from the sofa and made my way across the room to the counter. I pulled the pack out of the cloth wrapped around it. Here it was, my savior. My weak body trembled as it remembered the things this stuff could do to me. The feral happiness that came along with each shot and the surging feeling you get from it. I almost smiled at the thought of it. My body was telling me that I needed it, but I knew deep down inside that this was wrong…everything was wrong.
I was about to open the despicable white thing, when the phone rang. I jumped back and diverted my stare toward the telephone, which was on the floor. Somewhat grateful for the distraction, I sunk down beside it and picked it up. “Hello?” I spoke through the receiver. My voice was almost inaudible.
“Hey, Daniel. It’s Jane.” Came her cheery voice from the other end. I suddenly perked up.
“Hi.” I greeted.
“Yeah, just wondering, are you still up for that ‘beach-stroll’ this afternoon?” she asked. I could hear some pots and pans clanging in the background.
“Yes of course… um… you cooking something?” I asked.
“Yeah, lunch.” She replied. I looked at the clock, and it was past 11:00. “You wanna… um… come over. I mean, for lunch. I’ve cooked a meal good enough for four people.”
I smiled. “Sure. I’d love to… You have some other visitors?”
“No. It’s just that I cook too much food…” she explained.
“OK, I’ll be there… if you’d just give me your address and all—“
“Oh damn. Sorry it’s…”
I scribbled down her address on a sheet of paper. Her house wasn’t that far from mine after all. I told her that I’ll be over in about thirty minutes before putting the phone down. I had this stupid wide smile on my face while rereading her address. Thank god she called, or I would’ve been lost in that mental debate I was having with myself a while back.
“God, I’m really sorry. I – I didn’t know you were vegan.” Jane apologized for what seems to be the tenth time.
“No, don’t worry about it. It’s my fault. I should’ve told you earlier.” I explained. We were walking down the semi-filled sidewalk that led to the beach. Apparently, she prepared a meat-filled meal and I was just thankful that she understood I was a vegan and didn’t force me to eat it. Although I felt extremely bad because I wasn’t able to taste what she cooked.
“You hungry?” she asked. I noticed she was very much troubled that I still haven’t eaten lunch. I shook my head. My stomach was growling though because I haven’t actually eaten a single bite for the whole day. I heard her sigh as she walked a few steps ahead of me then faced me. “Look, I feel guilty. I would appreciate it if you’d let me buy you some food.”
“No thanks, really. I’m not that fond of eating anyway.” I replied. She paused and gave me a disappointed look. In return, I simply gave her a reassuring smile as we continued to walk.
Somehow I felt safe with her. I didn’t mind the spiteful stares I received as we were walking. A few crazed teenage girls even greeted me along the way, and I just smiled and greeted them back, almost sincerely at that. My paranoia subsided for a while. On any occasion, I would’ve run away or snubbed those ‘teenies’, but not this time.
We finally reached the beach. Surprisingly, there were only a few people around. I followed her to an empty spot and sat down on the sand. “It’s so peaceful here.” I heard her whisper.
“Yeah.” I replied. But in reality, I wasn’t that keen on seeing the beach. This was my route whenever I took Sweep out for a walk. And on really lazy Saturday mornings, this is where we’d go to surf. So, nothing’s new to me at all.
“It’s beautiful.” She commented. I followed her gaze and she was simply staring at the sea. I guessed she’s the sentimental type of person. “I’m sorry.” She said, shaking her head. “I don’t get to go out that much and, you know, get to really enjoy the simple joys in life.” She turned to me, her eyes gleaming. She smiled at me before she continued gawking at the horizon. I don’t know how long we sat there, not saying a word and basically just dousing ourselves with the serenity of the place. I’ve totally lost track of time.
“Um… Daniel.” She said in a hushed tone. “It’s getting kinda late.” I looked at her. Though it was a bit dark already, I could still see that sweetness in her smile.
“Yeah, we should go.” I said, in a voice barely above a whisper. I stood and helped her up. She took one last glance at the dimming horizon before following me.
We were walking down the sidewalk to her house. I didn’t want the evening to stop so I mindedly slowed down my pace. “Are you sure you’re not hungry?” she suddenly asked.
“Yeah, I’m all right.” I replied. There was a slight pause before she continued talking.
“Do you have some eating problem or something?”
I stopped in my track and swallowed hard. I didn’t want to go back to that subject. It’s over. I’ve passed that stupid stage. I’ve gotten over that eating disorder… or I thought I’ve gotten over it.
“I used to… but now I’m OK.” I reassured her. We continued walking and soon enough, her house came into view. There was a single streetlight that lit up that area, still it was pretty dim. But even with poor lighting condition, I could see two cars parked. One was mine but the other one was some stranger’s.
“Is that your car?” I asked her. She jolted her head up to view the black car. I saw fear register on her face before she halted. And without any warning or so, she crossed the street and took a right turn to a fairly populated sidewalk. I had no other choice but to follow her. It was quite a busy street, with small shops covering the sides of the walk and a fair amount of bustling people. I kept my eyes on her as I followed, trying my best to squeeze through the crowd to get to her.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I finally caught up with her. She had slowed down a bit but was still kind of jumpy. “It doesn’t matter.” She snapped. She continually glimpsed back as if she was afraid that someone was after her. Once we brisk-walked a good half a kilometer or so, she finally stopped.
“What was that all about?” I asked, running out of breath.
“It’s nothing.” She said. I was about to react to this when she held up a hand to my face, directing me to stop. She took a deep breath before proceeding. “It’s Michael.” She said, slightly asphyxiating. I gave her a puzzled look, telling her that I absolutely have no idea of what she’s talking about. She leaned against an off-white wall that stood near a narrow alley.
“He’s my ex-husband.” She explained as she took out a crushed pack of cigarettes and a small lighter. She took a stick, lit it up, and started smoking. Naturally, seeing a girl smoke was a major turn-off for me, but not Jane. She had this unexplainable mannerism of holding a cigarette and I just had to smile because of the almost shrewish way she held it.
“You smoke?” was all I could ask.
She nodded, not really paying attention to me. “I do—when I’m nervous.” She exaggerated a sigh before turning to me. “I’m really sorry.” She started. “That son of a bitch’s been following me for almost four months now.” I noticed she hadn’t calmed down a bit. I wish I could just do something to comfort her but then, I’ll never actually know what to do or say in situations like these.
“What does he want from you?” I asked, hoping that she wouldn’t snub my question. She paused as she took another drag from her cigarette.
“He—he wants me back, I guess.” Her stare was a million light years away. She shook her head. “But I don’t want him back, Daniel. In the first place, he was the one who left--” Tears were forming in her eyes. God, no, don’t let her cry. One thing I hated in this world was to see other people crying, well, except if they were in movies.
She gave a mocking laugh and brought the cigarette to her mouth again. I noticed she was still shaking, but being the oblivious person that I am, I simply stood there staring. “Everything was—paved out for me Dan.” She started, wiping a tear trailing down her face. “I had a bright future ahead of me. I had a very stable childhood. I had good education.” She paused and she looked like she’s just about ready to burst into tears. “I didn’t ace that much, but I did well… I had a very nice home and very loving and supportive parents. And two wonderful sisters…” her voice broke before she could finish.
“It’s all right.” I whispered, as I tried to pull her sobbing body close to mine. But then she shook her head and pulled away. She looked straight at me, her eyes teeming with deep sadness. Her tears were washing away the gleam in her face.
“I had a very naïve perception of what I wanted my life to be…” she said, inhaling that dreadful smoke coming off her cigarette. She turned away again noticing my intent stare. “I was going to finish law school. Then I was going to be a successful lawyer, which my dad had always wanted me to be. Then… then I’ll earn lots of money. Have a nice house in some quiet town near London. And grow a happy family.” She swallowed hard, trying to stop sobbing.. She gave another self-piteous laugh. “But then I blew it… I fucking blew everything.”
I didn’t know what to say or what to do exactly. I remember Jed telling me that Jane’s a troubled girl. But that seemed like an understatement. She was this girl who had vast dreams then they all came plummeting down, for some reason. And whatever reason that was, she’s blaming it all to herself. She’s lost and confused. Very much like how I felt.
I saw her pull her hand to her face to wipe away her tears. “I’m sorry… I’m really sorry.” She said, sobbing then she fell silent.
“No, you don’t need to be sorry.” I told her. Those words came almost instinctively. I was extremely baffled at what she had just shared to me and didn’t know what else to say.
She opened her mouth to say something. But then stood frozen. She vaguely dropped the cigarette she was holding. And, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a black car pull to stop and a tall, dark-haired man stepped out of it.
“No.” I heard Jane whisper as she broke into a sprint and headed for the narrow alley. I was planning on stopping whoever this guy was and beat him up to a pulp. Just as I was about to face him, Jane grabbed my hand and dragged me along with her. Come to think of it, I must’ve been really stupid. I know I could never have a chance of beating up a guy twice my size.
It was so fucking dark in that alley and I almost tripped over some objects while running. Jane, on the other hand, wasn’t having much of a hard time. She was jumping over fallen trashcans and boxes like as if she were some Chinese karate character who’d wandered out here in a goddamn alley in Australia.
We stopped as we reached some sort of a clearing. It was a one-way road, with buildings on both sides. My head was spinning and I felt like my lungs were about to collapse at any minute. I clung onto a rusty balustrade to avoid losing my balance. I looked behind my back, hoping that we’ve lost the deranged ex-hubby. I squinted to further see through the dim alley when my eyes caught a figure of a man running towards us.
“Shit.” I cursed. I tried to run but my weak body won’t fucking allow me.
“Daniel, c’mon!” Jane ordered, pulling my arm and dragging me with her. I forced myself to move, even though the pain was striking through me. Finally, she stopped in front of an iron door and jerked it open, pulling me inside.
The place we’ve entered was unmistakably a club. The loud rhythm vibrating throughout the room was enough to make anyone deaf. We squeezed our way through the crowded dance floor, once in a while looking behind our backs to see if Michael was still following us. Damn, and indeed he was. Jane had a strong grip on my hand as she pulled me through the crowd. “Hurry up.” I could hear her screaming above the loud music.
I felt like I was in some sort of a lousy, adrenaline driven action movie. But I had to admit, it was a great route of escape. We could easily lose that wacko by camouflaging ourselves with the dancing crowd. We kept our heads down and made our way to the front door of the club. A bouncer was standing near the door, eyeing us suspiciously. Jane just gave him a huge fake smile and we made it outside.
“Now what?” she asked me. I looked around the place and it seemed familiar.
“What street are we in?” I asked, breathlessly. She started looking around for a sign when it suddenly hit me. We were just a couple of blocks away from Ben’s house. I grabbed her hand. It was my turn to drag her around the place.
“Jane!” came an angry masculine voice from behind us. “Run!” I heard Jane shout as we both quickened our paces. I dared not to look back but I just knew that Michael was just a couple of meters away. I took a turn at Ben’s street wishing that we’ve lost Michael. But again, no. He was on the right track shouting something at Jane. I really couldn’t make out what he’s saying and it didn’t really matter.
There was a street that we had to cross before hitting Ben’s house. Just then, a car came swiveling by. Jane and I managed to cross the street before the car halted to a stop and almost hit Michael. We heard him shout some obscenities to the driver as he got stuck in that intersection.
We ran toward Ben’s front door and knocked frantically on it. “BEN! FUCKING OPEN UP!” I yelled. Soon as we heard the door unlock, we barged into Ben’s house and quickly shut the door behind us.
I sunk to the floor, out of breath, my heart almost escaping my chest. I felt like I was about to black out any minute. Jane was beside me trying to calm herself down too. Ben just stood there looking at us as if we were mentally ill people.
“Um, good evening to you Daniel and your… friend here.” He greeted.
“J-Jane… Walsh.” Jane managed to introduce herself.
“Okaaay…” Ben started, that surprised look still plastered on his face. “I’ll go get you two some water.” With that, he disappeared into the kitchen.
W-w-wait.” Ben interrupted waving a hand in front of us. “So, this Michael dude is after you guys because of money?”
I stared at him, amazed at how slow he is with these things. Jane, finding Ben quite amusing, was giggling beside me while drinking a tall glass of iced tea.
“Ben, let us explain for the tenth and final time…” I said slowly, just so he’d get the whole story of why we literally came barging in his house that evening.
He was drinking his glass of iced tea when he signaled me to stop. He drank up his whole glass before putting it down on the low table in front of us. “Daniel.” He heaved a sigh. “I un-der-stand.” He said emphasizing on each syllable. “God, you’re just so easy to fleece.” He laughed as he stood up and yawned. “Anyway, I’m off to bed. Big day tomorrow evening. Dan, you and Chris are coming along for backup”
I opened my mouth to protest when he cut me out. “G’night people. Make yourselves at home and I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Oh, Ben, I could just go home and—“ Jane tried to explain.
“Just stay overnight OK. I don’t want you two running around town with some egomaniac ex-hubby hunting you down.” With that, Ben left us in the living room.
Once he was completely out of sight, Jane faced me. “Nice person your mate is.” She said, sipping her drink.
“Yeah, but he could be such an ass sometimes.”
She laughed at my statement as she fell back on the nice comfy couch. “God, all that running was tiring.” She commented. I just scoffed at her remark, then afterwards, everything fell into silence. Quite annoyed by this, I looked at her and searched for something to say.
“Well…” was the only word that came out of my mouth. But it was a good word to start with.
“Well what?”
“You haven’t told me the complete story yet.” I was determined to know the real deal about this whole thing.
“Do I really have to tell you?” she complained, pouting.
“Well, let’s see… after literally dragging me into this mess, and almost killing me because of exhaustion-- I say I have the right to know what the real story is.” I smiled, hitting the desired point.
She took one last sip of her drink and placed it on the table. Then she turned away from me. The wall had suddenly caught her undivided attention. “I made a stupid, stupid mistake about marrying Michael…” she started. “I was nineteen back then and was madly in love. I married him because I was afraid that I’ll never come across such a wonderful man ever again. And I tried balancing my studies with the marriage but things obviously didn’t work out…” she paused then searched for something in her pockets. “Where’re my cigarettes?” she asked me, brushing off some strands of hair from her face and tucking them under her ear. I just shrugged at her question.
“Anyway… he promised me he’d get a good job and that I don’t need to study and all. And so I dropped studying, flew with him across the continents to Australia where he said we were gunna rebuild our lives. And I thought everything was going fine, when one night, he came home and told me that he didn’t want me anymore.” Her voice was shaking now and I was beginning to regret about asking her to tell me her ‘whole’ story.
“You really want a cigarette?” I interrupted her.
“Yes please.” She answered. I jumped out of the seat and started looking for a pack inside a nearby drawer. And luckily, I saw an unopened pack along with a lighter. I tossed the objects to her and she quickly lit one up.
“So, there. He left me just like that. From then on, I started disbelieving in love… and hopes and dreams.” She blew out a cloud of smoke. “They’re all bullshit.” She whispered. We sat there in silence for a while. She looked calm as she snuff away her cigarette. But I knew she was deeply lost in a sea of emotions and troubles. She was lost in her own trail of thoughts while I was wallowing in mine. Well, at least she didn’t cry this time. I watched her as she took one last drag off her smoke and killed the bulb in an ashtray.
“Well,” she sighed. “There’s my crap. Tell me yours.”
I look at her, surprised. “What? Is this some kind of a one-on-one therapy session?” I asked.
“Sort of… Yeah, you can call it that way if you want.” Her deep green eyes were normal now, untainted of any fear or pain. And she was smiling. And I just knew I had no way out of this talk.
“Well, what exactly do you want to know?” I asked politely.
“Anything.” She answered. She pulled her legs to an Indian sit as she grabbed a throw pillow and placed it on her lap. She was now looking at me attentively, her head resting on her hand.
“Ok…I’m a depressed rock star! That’s all.”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s unfair.” She said, playfully hitting me with the throw pillow. “Tell me why you don’t eat that much.”
No, please not that topic. Anything but that. I was about to protest but then, it would be unjust. She just poured her heart out on me and in exchange I give her this? She was waiting for me to say something.
“Um… At one point, that was about two years ago or so, things weren’t what they’re supposed to be.” OK, I’ve managed to get through the ‘introduction’.
“Take your time.” She whispered, taking a hold of my hand. I smiled as I remember my mum doing the very same thing to me every time I was troubled or sick.
“See, um… we entered this whole rock music thing at a very young age and I really, really thought that things would work out fine. It did. It did actually, for a couple of years or so. But then, I guess I wasn’t that prepared for the pressure, and the pain that came along with it.”
I felt tears forming in my eyes. This was really great, crying in front of a girl. I tried blinking them away but it was no use. I pulled my hand out of her grip and tried to wipe off my tears.
“And, it came to a point when I couldn’t handle things anymore. Everything just seemed so… wrong. And I was lost and I didn’t know what to do and who to turn to.” My breathing was becoming heavier by the minute and my head had started spinning again. But then I couldn’t stop right then there.
“I felt my whole life almost shrink and spin into nothingness. I had lost total control over it… and I just felt that by controlling my food intake, I could actually control my life.” I laughed at my own statement. It seemed so pointless now. “And it did give a false and temporary feeling of release. It felt good in a way. And I continued doing that, blinded to the fact that I was destroying myself rather than put myself back together.” I stopped. Probably, that was enough for her. I didn’t even know if she actually understood me. She’s probably thinking I’m deranged and that I needed real help fast.
“I understand.” She said. I looked at her and her eyes told me that she was telling the truth. “I lost one of my sisters to anorexia, Dan.”
I almost gasped at this. Her sister died because of an eating disorder? I always knew that if I didn’t stop starving myself, something bad would’ve happened to me, but I never really considered death. I thought that the doctor was just exaggerating when he told me I could die if I didn’t stop. But now, I knew, it was possible.
“She lunged herself into that sickness for a couple of years. And she recovered. She was actually doing ok. But then I was told that it comes back, and it did. That time, she wasn’t able to pull herself out of it.” She was looking at my direction, but not exactly at me. She had her gaze on the coverlet strewn on the couch. “I didn’t understand her, Daniel. I didn’t understand why she was destroying herself. And I hated myself because I wasn’t able to help.” This time tears were building up in her eyes. She absently wiped them away. “But I was able to talk to her one last time and she told me that she loved me, and that she was thankful that I tried my best to help her… it was just that she’s so far down that I can’t do anything about it, neither could she.” Her eyes were painfully stained with sadness because of those memories.
Finding enough strength, I pulled her close and held her in my arms. She hugged me back in return. And we spend almost an hour just finding comfort in each other, before she finally spoke up… “I don’t know with you but this surely is the weirdest date I’ve ever had.”
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