Coffee is always good for your brain. And there I was, sitting on my kitchen table at five in the morning, sipping my second cup of the hot liquid. I’ve never been much of a morning person. There’s no actual no reason to like the mornings. But then, today might just be an exception. I’m going to straighten things out with Jes later that evening and if my luck would extend farther, I might even have her back.
I’ve been up all night thinking of the right words to say to her, and by now, I think I have it all figured out. I’d go up to her, say ‘hi’ then totally snub her new boyfriend, then I’ll go on telling her that I’ve realized how much I love her and that I’m nothing without her. Then she’d tell me that I’m the sweetest being for telling her that, then she’d stomp on over her boyfriend, dumps him and then I’ll have her back. All that could happen only if I would lead the right conversation.
I looked down at my cup and it was almost empty. Caffeine, I fucking needed it badly. I stood up from the chair I was sitting on and poured myself another cup of the hot, steaming savior. I started sipping it with content as I made my way back to the chair. I closed my eyes as the bitter taste of the black liquid lingered in my mouth. The person who discovered coffee should’ve been given a Nobel prize. Just as I was mulling over the wonders of coffee, I heard a shuffling noise entering the kitchen. Quite startled, I opened my eyes and kind of knocked over the cup of coffee I was treasuring.
“Daniel!” I almost shouted in an obviously surprised tone.
He looked me over, giving me a strange glare. His hair was in disarray as always and he was wearing an extra large shirt with his pants from yesterday. His pale, pale complexion was making him look like some ghost off a horror flick. And I fucking hated ghosts. He really startled me. But then again, maybe I’m edgy because of too much caffeine. I watched him as he approached the counter to get a cup and poured some coffee into it.
“What are you doing up this early?” I asked. Just when I was about to get the carafe containing the coffee from him, he dragged it away from my grip. I looked at him, quite agitated.
“No more coffee for you mate.” He said calmly sipping his own cup of coffee. I rolled my eyes but didn’t protest. Instead I got a rag and wiped the spilled coffee from the kitchen table. I dumped the dirty rag in the sink and sat myself down again. Daniel was sitting on another chair across me, looking blankly at the table.
“Where’s Jane?” I asked after letting a few minutes of annoying silence pass. “Upstairs. I showed her to that extra room you’ve got… I hope you don’t mind…” he answered.
“No, of course not.” I replied. I was staring intently at the black mug of coffee Daniel was holding, silently taunting me. OK, I can’t stand it any longer. I got up and poured some coffee onto a new cup and went back to the table. Daniel didn’t react or anything. He just continued sipping his drink.
“Again, why are you up this early?” I asked once more. I saw him shrug and fell silent for a while. “The same reason you’re up, I guess…” he started. “… To think.” He was still blankly staring at the table, his face painted to a lifeless glaze. “And besides, it would be impossible for anyone to get a decent sleep in that fucking hard couch.” He complained mindlessly pointing his finger to the doorway of the kitchen, just so to emphasize his point about the couch.
“Anyway…” he turned to face me. “What are you planning to say to Jes?”
I sighed. It wasn’t exactly the question I expected to answer at this fucking time of the day but hell… “Um, I’ve got it all planned. I’m gunna meet her, tell her I love her and just hope that she’d come back.” I took another sip of coffee. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like drinking any more of it. It had already gone slightly cold.
Daniel shook his head. “It’s not that easy, you know. You can’t have her back just by saying you love her” he explained. Yeah right, the last thing I want to hear is some advice from Danny-boy. He’s never been into any stable relationship and I’m sure he doesn’t really know anything about what he’s talking about. But then, my assessment of what the evening would be like could be just wishful thinking. What Daniel said did have sense, but for now, I’d like to think of his statement as somewhat slightly pessimistic.
“Any suggestion then?” I asked him. He squinted his eyes, as if he’s in real deep thoughts. “Well…” he started, looking at his cup. “You could just ‘try’ and have her back but if she really doesn’t want to be with you, then just let it be, Ben.” he looked at me, pointing out that he’s done with his suggestion.
“Is that the best you can come up with?” I asked, no witticism tagging along.
“That’s all there is to it… You can’t force someone to love you.” He answered plainly. Somehow, what he was telling me was seeping through my brain. I didn’t want to admit it but, what Daniel was saying made total sense. It was pretty stupid of me to think that Jes would come rushing back to me once she hears that she means so much to me. I really should just get over her, but why is it so fucking hard to do that?
I looked across the table at Daniel, hoping that he’d say something positive. But then I was answered with a blank stare. I was definite he wasn’t going to say anything else. He yawned and stood up. “I’m going back to sleep…” he announced. “Um… can I use your room?” he added. I nodded. There was no way for me to get back to sleep anyway.
I should’ve known better than choosing a bar as a meeting place. A bar is a really nice place to locate someone up for a one-night-stand but you can never really get an intimate conversation going in that place. It was just too fucking crowded and noisy and dark.
We were sitting around a small circular table in the very back of the place. Booze was flowing everywhere and I really tried my best to keep away from it. But somehow, the corrupt part of my brain won and I couldn’t help but swig a couple of hard drinks. I scrapped the idea of socializing with other people around the bar, afraid that I’d miss Jes when she comes. And besides, I wasn’t in the mood and my head was still to busy sorting out things for any decent conversation.
I wondered why I was becoming so nervous. It was just Jes anyway. She practically knows everything about me, well almost. My good side at least. I’ve never gathered the courage to tell her about my problems. In fact, I’ve never told anyone about those problems. I never told Daniel or Chris or my parents that I’ve actually tried to kill myself more than a couple of times at that. I never told them that I have this problem with alcohol and drugs. I never told them about the emptiness that delves up the very depths of my soul. And I’m never planning on telling anyone. Though I really know I have to, but not now. Putting up this false image is a lot more easier for now. But I promised I’m gonna tell them when I find the right time.
In the meantime though, what’s more important is getting to talk to Jessica and trying to straighten things out. If I just don’t fuck up this time, I’ll probably have her back. There was a crash from somewhere in the bar which startled me. I shook myself back to reality. There goes my optimism running ahead of me again.
I spanned my eyes across the packed room then checked my watch. It was 8:05 p.m. and Jes was late for 35 minutes. I absently looked at Chris who was sitting across the table, talking to his girlfriend. He noticed my frantic stare and turned to face me.
“Cool down, will ya? She'll be here, don’t worry.” He reassured as he went back to his own conversation with his girlfriend. I rolled my eyes at them. I had brought Chris and Daniel along with me so they could give me some bit of moral support because I knew beforehand that I would be a nervous wreck. But upon entering the place, Daniel had gone off with Jane to another part of the room, while Chris sat with his girlfriend talking about some dumb movie and totally ignoring me. Though, Chris’s assurance kind of gave me a tad spark of hope, at least. I know Jes would come. Besides, she’s always been late.
I faced the crowded bar again, hoping that I’d see Jes soon. While scanning the area, I spotted Daniel talking to Jane. He seemed happy with her and I’m quite glad about that. At least I don’t have to worry about helping him with whatever his problem is for now. And somehow looking at all the couples around the bar made me a bit jealous and insecure. These lovers were going about their own lives like as if they’ve shut the rest of the world behind, and then there I was… poor little Ben, waiting uncertainly for my ex-girlfriend to come, in hopes that I’d have her back. It was just so pathetic that I could even laugh at myself.
My eyes were instantly glued to the doors of the bar, expecting that Jes would barge in any minute. A few people entered the place and I almost wanted to throw something at them for not being Jessica. Then finally, I saw her. She walked in, her beautiful face still untainted by sadness or doubt or anything. She had her perfect smile plastered on her face. She probably looked a bit awkward with her tight-fitting outfit, but then she carried herself grandly as she flaunted her way into the bar. I stood up and as if in a trance, walked towards her.
But then, I stopped midway when I saw who was with her. It was Travis. I almost fucking forgot about him. I was about to duck myself into a crowd of unknown people just so I could hide from the two and give myself time to think of a way to get rid of Travis. But before I could do that, she had already spotted me. She gave me a faint smile before turning to Travis. She was whispering something to him. I watched them as Jes gave him a small peck on the cheek. Then Travis disappeared into the crowd, leaving Jes standing there.
I was too numb to walk now and all I could do was stare at Jes as she made her way towards me.
“Hi Ben.” She greeted. I could clearly see through her fake façade. Perhaps she just wanted to scream out of that place and leave me that instant. I wasn’t sure if she even wanted to see me. Maybe I just sounded so desperate on the phone that it made her think that it was her obligation to come and meet with me.
“Hey.” I greeted back and simply stood there, shifting my feet, not quite sure of what to do or what to say next. I could tell she too wasn’t calm and was trying hard not to make any eye contact.
“You, um… want to sit down?” I offered and pointed to two empty seats near the back of the bar. She simply nodded and made her way through the thickening crowd towards the table. “You want anything to drink?” I asked.
“No, I’m all right.” She answered. I sat down beside her and thought of a good subject to talk about. “So, how are you?” was the best I could come up with. She looked at me and smiled vaguely. “I’m still breathing, thank you. How ‘bout you?” she answered.
“I’m good, I’m good.” I said nodding my head slightly. But no, I am not all right at all. I’m feeling a bit strange as of that moment. What I had planned to say to her had completely exited my brain. Maybe I should just walk out of there and save me the trouble of embarrassing myself in front of her. Well, I’m here, she’s here, and this is the perfect opportunity to actually get to talk to her. Leaving would probably do nothing than worsen things anyway.
“Is that Daniel?” she asked pointing to the blonde thinly framed guy who had his back on us.
“Yeah… why?”
“The hermit actually hangs out in places like these?” she quipped, quite amused.
“Yeah well… on rare occasions, he does.” I said trying hard to keep up the light mood. Anything would do just so to keep this conversation rolling, even if it involved mocking other people. I’m sure Daniel won’t mind. He can’t even hear us.
“Who’s that girl he’s with?” she asked. Why the sudden interest in Daniel’s non-existent social life?
“Jane. The puny faggot finally got the courage to ask someone out.” As I’ve said, I’m sure Daniel won’t mind the pun. He’s meters away from us anyway.
“I see.” She said, taking a serious tone. Her statement was followed by a sheer uncomfortable silence. ‘Say something… say something.” Those words kept running through my brain like an endless marquee.
I was about to say something extemporaneous just to break the silence when Jes spoke up. “What were you going to say to me?” she asked in a hushed tone. That question caught me off-guard. I wasn’t sure how’d she’d react if I said it to her right then and there. But anyway, it was now or never.
“Jes…” I said slowly then racked up my brain for what to say next. “The day you left—“
I saw her shake her head, telling me to stop. “No, it was actually night time.” She answered. I was about to let out a laugh, but seeing her expression made me realize that she wasn’t up to joking. Her thin lips were curved into a slight frown as she looked straight at me.
“I still remember it clearly.” She said, directing her view to somewhere else. “It was raining back then when I left… and… and you didn’t even bother running after me.” She paused.
“What?” I asked in disbelief. Why in the world should I have gone after her? “You were the one who left.” I snapped. She looked at me, her eyebrows slightly contoured upwards as if she’s in disbelief herself.
“I was expecting you to come after me, Ben.” she replied a hint of anger breaking into her voice.
I can’t believe this. It seemed though she was blaming our break-up on me. She was the one who fucking left. I closed my eyes and told myself not to loose my temper.
“I… just wanted to know why you left, Jes? Everything seemed so perfect back then.” I asked slowly.
She shook her head again and laughed. It wasn’t the warm or friendly laugh. It was more of the sarcastic and almost cold laugh. “Perfect?!” she repeated my question. “Ben, nothing could be perfect, you know that. And we both knew that that relationship was heading nowhere.” I remained staring at her as her face sunk into sadness. Then I remembered that look from about a month ago, when she stood in the corridor, her eyes searching into mine, as if asking me to say something. But I was always at a lost for words and I remained silent. That’s when I lost her.
I was bemused and was helplessly staring at her. Her eyes were glassy because of tears she was trying to hold back. I looked away, not wanting to see her cry. Why was she crying anyway?
“You think I don’t notice Ben?” she said. Her voice was breaking as she tried to swallow a sob.
“Notice what?” I retorted.
“You think I don’t know about the drugs… the shit you inject to your body? You think I don’t notice your pain that you’ve been fucking hiding from me?” she paused then bent her head down. “And those scars on your arms. You said you got them from surfing. I’m not that fucking stupid.” She said pointing at my hands, which I had rested on the table. I looked at my wrists. The marks of the ragged slashes I had made months ago were still quite visible.
How did she know about those things? I’ve been trying so hard to hide all my problems from her, afraid that she wouldn’t be able to handle them. I thought I had masked those feelings away from her. I recounted that every time I was with her, I never let those feelings show. I thought I had the perfect cover-up. Was I really that easy to read?
She sighed and raised her head up. Trails of tears were staining her beautiful face. And come to think of it, this was the first time I saw her cry. For all those months we’ve been together, I’ve never seen her cry. I thought she was just too perfect for tears.
“It’s so easy to see through you Ben…” she started. She was calm this time but her voice still wobbled a bit. “I often see you staring into nothing. That indescribable look on your face. And I often ask you what’s wrong… then you always seem to answer me with a smile and say that it’s nothing.” Her eyes were burning through me and an unexplainable force just made me stare back at her. And it seemed though like the world had dissolved around us. The loud music, the constant chattering of the people around us, the laughter… all gone. All I could hear and see was her, like as if this imaginary spotlight was shining on her.
“And you think I would believe that? How could it be nothing Ben, when you’re almost nearing to tears?” she spoke again.
“I never cried.” I tried to deny it. She frowned again. “Maybe I did a couple of times… but those were nothing.” I gave some emphasis using my hands. But her face remained humorless. I swallowed hard and tried to explain further though I don’t know exactly what I was talking about. I just let my words out without thinking. Probably wasn’t the best strategy in the world, but it works… sometimes.
“You don’t understand. I didn’t want to let you in into that part of my life because I thought it would be hard for you—“
“You want to know what’s harder Ben?…” she cut in. “To watch you fall apart like that while I helplessly stare from the sidelines. Why won’t you let me know?”
A commotion from the bustling bar startled us. She jolted her head up to look at what was wrong. I was too much lost in my own trail of thoughts to even bother turning to look at the commotion. She relaxed then went back to look at me, placing both her hands on the table for some reason. Perhaps I should even be thankful for the distraction because it gave me some minuscule seconds to think.
“I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want to pull you down with me” I said.
She gave that cold laugh again and shook her head lightly. “Ben, you’ve already pulled me down. The moment you’ve let me in your life, you’ve already been dragging me down.” She paused and looked at her hands, absently fumbling her gold bracelet. She had worn that bracelet for god knows how long. I never saw her without it. Must be because of some delicate and valuable reason. I probably should ask her about it. But then again, that would’ve been very inappropriate for that moment.
I reached out for her hands and held them softly, wishing that she wouldn’t pull them away from my grip.
“Jes, but you have helped.” I said slowly. For a brief second, our eyes met. And I almost thought that I’ve finally broken this imaginary barrier that was keeping me from reaching out to her. But she withdrew her hands from mine and turned away from my gaze.
“NO. No, stop lying. I’ve had enough of it.” She said as she started to stand up. I quickly held her arm and made her sit down again.
“Jes, I think I still love you.” There. I’ve said it. She looked up at me again, face curved into an almost expressionless look.
“You don’t… You never did.” She answered plainly as she squirmed out of my grip and stood up to walk away.
I sat there, staring at the now empty seat in front of me. No, I can’t afford to loose her. Maybe it was really my mistake for not running after her on that rainy night. I made my decision to run after her this time. Without wasting much more time for pointless analyzing, I stood up and hurriedly ran after her. She was walking fast, almost running at that, as she squeezed through the crowd. Finally I got to her. She was talking to someone but I didn’t give a damn. I grabbed her arm and made her look at me. “Jes, I love you… please, I don’t want you to go.”
A pair of icy and cold eyes now replaced her usually warm ones. “Let go, Ben.” was all she could say.
“No, let’s talk things through.” I insisted.
“What’s there to talk about?” she said as she struggled to get away from my grip. I hesitantly released her, but was still not about to give up.
“Jes—“ I started when a tall, well built man stepped in front of me. Travis. The fucking son of a bitch. He’s the real enemy.
“What’s your problem?” he hissed, giving me a nasty glare. I rolled my eyes. The last thing I want was a fight with anyone that night. I tried to pass through him but he pushed me away. It wasn’t a hard push. Just probably an unfriendly nudge, yet, it was still disrespectful.
“What the fuck do you want?!” I yelled. I caught a sight of Jes who was standing behind Travis, a worried look crossing her face. Our eyes were locked into a stare. I noticed hers were glassy again, most probably because of tears. I swear I saw her lips mumble the word ‘goodbye’ before she turned away and left.
“Hey, I’m fucking talking to you!” Travis was shouting at me, but I never really took notice of what he was saying. I tried to run after Jes again, but Travis pushed me back, this time more forcefully. Annoyed, I pushed him back in return. I never intended it to be that strong of a push that I sent him crashing to a table nearby. He quickly stood up and lunged at me with a tightly closed fist.
I wasn’t able to duck and he hit me right on the left cheek. The punch made my head spin for a while. The pain was so sudden it would’ve sent me crashing to the floor if I couldn’t have helped it. I turned my hands into fists and attacked Travis with one strong blow on the nose.
A good amount of people had gathered around us, watching us like we were some freak show. I was able to avoid a few of Travis’ fisted attacks but one in particular, hit me directly on the stomach. This sent waves of pain throughout my body and I instinctively clung onto the nearest table to me. I was wincing a bit but I still managed to hit Travis.
I saw him wince in pain as he half stumbled to the ground. He slowly got up. I got ready to punch him once again when someone grabbed both my arms and dragged me out of that mess. I struggled to break free from the grip but couldn’t.
“Let me go! Dammit!” I yelled as I was dragged outside the bar. I struggled once more before I was let go. I quickly turned around to see who it was. “Chris!” I exclaimed. “Why the fuck did you do that?” I shouted. Daniel, Jane and Chris’s girlfriend had just emerged from the bar, looking all genuinely worried.
“Are you all right?” Jane asked as she went near me. Before I could answer her, I felt the sharp pain on my stomach and crouched low to lessen the it.
”C’mon, let’s take you home.” Daniel suggested.
I would’ve protested but the mixed emotional and physical trauma I was feeling made me oblige. Once inside the car, I couldn’t help but look back at the sidewalk. I saw Jes walking away. Her pony-tailed hair bouncing as she quickened her pace. I watched as she turned to a corner and disappear from my life forever.
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