"There was a lot of beer about. Here and there red-faced wizards were happily singing ancient drinking songs which involved a lot of knee-slapping and cries of 'Ho!' The only possible exccuse for this sort of thing is that wizards are celibate and have to find their amusement where they can." narrator - Sourcery
"Just run that by me again, will you?...After you said we should be attacked I seemed to hear a rining in my ears." Rincewind - Sourcery
"It wasn't lost. It always knew exactly where it was. it was always HERE." The Luggage - Sourcery
"It's going to look pretty good then, isn't it?...the one horseman and the three pedestrians of the Apocralypse." War - Sourcery
“I don’t understand! Is this man mad?”
Salzella put an arm around his shoulders and led him away from the crowd. “Well, now,” he said, as kindly as he could. “A man who wear evening dress all the time, lurks in the shadows and occasionally kills people. Then he sends little notes, writing maniacal laughter. Five exclamation marks again, I notice. We have to ask ourselves: is this the career of a sane man?”
“But why is he doing it?” wailed Bucket.
“That is only a relevant question if he is sane,” said Salzella calmly. “He may be doing it because the little yellow pixies tell him to.” Bucket & Salzella - Maskerade
“Most people in Lancre, as the saying goes, went to bed with the chickens and got up with the cows. Er. That is to say, they went to bed at the same time as the chickens went to bed and got up at the same time as the cows got up. Loosely worded sayings can really cause misunderstandings.” narrator - Maskerade
"Instead, people would take pains to tell her that beauty was only skin deep, as if a man ever fell for an attractive pair of kidneys." - Agnes Nitt, Maskerade, Pg. 23
" 'When many expect a mighty stallion they will find hooves on an ant.' " - Pretty Butterfly, Interesting Times, pg. 118
" 'What is so surprising about bacon?' 'I don't know. I suppose it comes as something of a shock to the pig.' " - Death and War, Interesting Times, pg. 264
"You needed at least three witches for a coven, two witches was just an argument."
"The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very small and the pen is very sharp."
"According to the philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle, chaos is found in the greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order, because it is better organized." - Interesting Times
"And always wear completely clean underwear every day because you never knew when you were going to be knocked down and killed by a runaway horse and if people found you had unsatisfactory underwear on, you'd die of shame." - narrator, Witches Abroad
"She wasn't at all certain about the meaning of the word 'decadent'. She'd dismissed the possibility that it meant 'having many teeth' in the same sense that Nanny Ogg, for example, was unident." - narrator, Witches Abroad
"It's her eggo...Everyone's got one o' them. A eggo. And she's got a great big one. Of course, that's all part of bein' a witch, having a big eggo." Nanny Ogg, Witches Abroad
"The Yen Buddhists are the richest religious sect in the universe. They hold that the accumulation of money is a great evil and burden to the soul. They therefore, regardless of personal hazard, see it as their unpleasant duty to acquire as much as possible in order to reduce the risk to innocent people." - narrator, Witches Abroad
"And it came to pass that in that time the Great God Om spake unto Brutha, the Chosen One: 'Psst!'" ~ narrator & Om - Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
"An upturned tortoise is the ninth most pathetic thing in the entire multiverse. An upturned tortoise who know what's going to happen to it next is, well, at least up there at number four." ~ Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
"Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think." ~ Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
"Candidates for the Tyrantship were elected by the placing of black or white balls in various urns, thus giving rise to a well-known comment about politics." ~ Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
"Last night there seemed to be a chance. Anything was possible last night. That was the trouble with last nights. They were always followed by this mornings." ~ Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
"The question seldom addressed is where Medusa had snakes. Underarm hair is an even more embarrassing problem when it keeps biting the top of the deodorant bottle." ~ Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
"Mr. Clete laughed at things in inverse proportion to the actual humour of the situation." ~ Soul Music
"After a while, he'd added: BORN TO, and left a space because he wasn't quite sure what he'd been born to. BORN TO EAT BIG DINNERS wouldn't be appropriate." ~ Soul Music
"After some bemused thought, he'd gone to: LIVE FATS DIE YO GNU. It wasn't quite right, be could see; he'd turned the studs and had sort of lost track of which direction he was going." ~ Soul Music
"There is something very sad about an empty dressing room. It's like a discarded pair of underpants, which it resembles in a number of respects. It's seen a lot of activity. It may even have witnessed excitement and a whole gamut of human passions. And now there's nothing much left but a faint smell." ~ Soul Music
"A haystack heaved and gave birth to a Glod.
"He rolled out on to the ground, and groaned...Then he staggered upright, looked around at the rolling fields, and disappeared behind a hedge for the moment." ~ Soul Music
"What is it the Dean says? Kick a righteous donkey?" "Some righteous ass, sir...He says kick some righteous ass." "Ridcully peered at the empty stage. 'I don't see one.' " ~Soul Music, Ridcully and Stibbins
“Sam Vimes could parallel-process. Most husbands can. They learn to follow their own line of thought while at the same time listening to what their wives say. And the listening is important, because at any time they could be challenged and must be ready to quote the last sentence in full. A vital additional skill is being able to scan the dialogue for telltale phrases, such as ‘and they can deliver it tomorrow’ or ‘so I’ve invited them for dinner’ or ‘they can do it in the blue, really quite cheaply.’” ~ The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
“Vimes in Uberwald will be more amusing than an armorous armadillo in a bowling alley.” ~ The Patrician, The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
“You can find your average, amateur killer on every street. They’re mostly deranged or drunk or some poor woman who’s had a hard day and the husband has raised his hand once too often and suddenly twenty years of frustration takes over. Killing a stranger without malice or satisfaction, other than the craftsman’s pride in a job well done, is such a rare talent that armies spend months trying to instill it into their young soldiers. Most people will shy away from killing people they haven’t been introduced to.” ~ The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
“Sam Vimes was an uncomplicated man when it came to what poets called ‘the lists of love’. He’d noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination – but at the end of the day they’d settle quite happily for egg and ships, if it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato.” ~ The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
"He wasn't the leader. he'd have liked to be a leader. A leader could stick his chin out and do brave things. What Masklin had to do was argue and persuade and, sometimes, lie very slightly. He found it was often easier to get people to do things if you let them think it was their idea." ~ Diggers
"You always feel foolish, running away from something that isn't chasing you." ~ Diggers
"Mathematically, an almost insignificant amount of living things in Florida called it Florida. But they're the ones who matter. At least, in their opinion. And their opinion is the one that matters. In their opinion." ~ Wings
"Science explains what is happening around us the whole time. So does RELIGION, but science is better because it comes up with more understandable excuses when it's wrong." ~ Wings
" ' I reckon...that humans are just about intelligent enough to be crazy.'
'I think...that maybe they're intelligent enough to be lonely.' " ~ Angalo and Masklin, Wings
Do you know of any good Terry Pratchett quotes that belong on this page? E-mail me with that suggestion at Leandra84@hotmail.com!!
