Full Circle (con't):

On the bus ride home, thoughts of that last year with Kevin surfaced to the top of my pool of memories. Up until then, all had been well. The 2Ks and I had had our share of arguments, but they were always over small things and we'd always made up. But that last summer, the one before I moved, something happened that Kevin just couldn't forgive himself for.

My eyes were threatening to water again at the merest hint of the accident and if I wasn't so miserable, I would have laughed. My friends always remarked at my reluctance to cry - most of them had never seen my eyes get teary. Oh, but if they could see me now. Kevin Thomas was turning me into a wreck.

The accident had done the same thing to Kevin that he was doing to me. Except he hadn't cried. I don't think he ever did cry over that, at least not in anyone else's presence. No, he handled his sorrows by getting stoned. When the accident happened, he was just about to start high school, so it wasn't hard to get caught up with the "wrong" crowd.

But the people who had been "wrong" to him before were suddenly right for him. It was Kyla and I who didn't matter anymore. At first, I thought it was because he was in high school while we were still in junior high. I could forgive him that, since I had felt the same way towards Kyla, when she was in elementary school and I had just started junior high. My high-and-mighty attitude had passed in a few weeks and I expected the same would apply to Kevin.

So Kyla and I waited patiently, putting up with his snubs and the cigarettes we'd sometimes see sticking out of his pocket. But one month passed, and then another, and still, nothing changed. Kevin still ignored us and the smell of smoke about him grew stronger.

One night in early November, I was raking the leaves in the front yard when I saw Kevin slip into the house. It wasn't very late yet, maybe 7 PM, so I was surprised to hear his parents begin to yell a few minutes later.

"Where have you been, Kevin?"

"Out."

"You were supposed to have gone to piano lessons 4 hours ago! Mrs. Lin called in a panic, afraid you'd been kidnapped!"

"Sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry? Kevin, the school's been calling about how many classes you've skipped and now you miss your piano lessons! You really scared Mrs. Lin and all you can say is sorry!"

"What do you want me to say!"

"Well, maybe you can start by telling us where you've been."

"I told you! Out!"

"That's not good enough, Kevin!"

"God, I'm not seven years old anymore! I don't need to tell you where I am every second of the day!"

"Yes, you do! And until you learn that, you're grounded. Indefinitely. Now, get to your room, young man!"

"F*** this! I don't have to stay here!" And a second later, Kevin was storming out the door. His parents called after him, telling him to get back in immediately, but he kept walking. I kept my eyes down, concentrating intensely on the leaves I was raking. I could feel Kevin's eyes on me, calculating how much of the exchange I might have heard. In the end, he gave up; I guess it didn't really matter. What had happened, had happened, and I was bound to hear about it one way or the other.

Finally, his parents stopped calling and just let him go. I guess they figured that he would be back later that night. For some reason, I didn't agree. When the Thomas's had gone back in, I leaned the rake upon the trunk of the maple and ran after him.

"Kevin!" I called softly when I could see him. "Kevin, wait!"

He stopped, but never did turn around. "What do you want, Selena?"

"Just?quot; and I realized I really had nothing to say. "Just…come back, Kevin. Your parents care about you. Besides, where are you going to go?"

"I'll be fine."

"No, you won't be. You're not fine right now."

"Why does everyone try to judge me!" he cried suddenly, fury and anguish combined in his voice. "I'm fine! Why can't you understand? What, did you expect me to stay the nice little boy next door for the rest of my life, Selena? Grow up."

I knew he wasn't okay, I knew it. But I didn't try to stop him as he stalked away. What could I do? There was only one person he might have listened to, but she wasn't in any position to run after him right then.

Kevin didn't come back until 3 days later. No one knew where he had been and his parents eventually stopped asking. I was so busy with everything in my life that I put him to the back of my mind as well. It wasn't that I didn't think about him at all, but it was just too painful and distracting to think about him for too long.

That year, my goal had been to win the Hewitt Award. Every year, 2 eighth graders would win it graduation night. It was based on marks, extra-curricular participation and leadership and Kevin had been one of the people to win the year before.

On graduation night, the two winners from the previous year were supposed to give out the award, kind of like Miss America handing over her crown I guess. But only Christine, the girl who had won, ended up giving a speech. Kevin wasn't there and that fact so distracted me that I missed my name being called the first time.

Christine had to say it again: "Selena Richardson, if you would come up and receive your prize?"

The next day, I moved to the other side of the city. Before we left, I said good-bye to Kyla, her older brother Colin and her sister Keiara and Mr. and Mrs. Thomas; Kevin was nowhere in sight.

Mom had already said her good-byes and was driving the moving van down the street. Dad said, "Selena, honey, we have to go now. Don't worry, we'll visit."

I nodded and got into our green Intrepid. "Bye!" I called back as we drove away, leaning out of the window as far as I dared. I was still brooding over the fact that I hadn't seen Kevin when I saw him walking down the sidewalk.

"Dad! Stop the car!"

"What? What's wrong?" He asked as he quickly pulled over.

I didn't bother to answer; I'd already jumped out of the car. "Kevin!" I yelled, running up to him and throwing my arms around him before he knew what'd hit him.

"Oh, hey Selena. Where're you off to?" He greeted me with a lop-sided grin and that was when I had realized he was high.

I was tempted to walk away right then - where was I off to? He'd known for weeks I was moving! - but I didn't want to be self-righteous when this might be the last conversation I had with him. "I'm moving, Kevin."

"You are? Where?"

"The other side of the city."

"Oh, okay then. I'll see you." And he just smiled, waved, and walked away.

I didn't bother to reply. He wouldn't have heard me and he wouldn't have cared.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"No, did you see that picture of Britney Spears' feet? Oh, it was nasty, man!"

"So, who cares about feet? Tyler, the chick's hot!"

"Mike, you don't understand! They were like…stubby!"

Dying of laughter, Juliette turned to me in chemistry class. "My God, Selena, have you heard of anything so absurd?quot; She drifted off when she saw I wasn't listening. Sighing deeply, she shook her head and turned back to the Britney Spears conversation. It had all started when someone mentioned that Mr. Jenson, a math teacher, thought the pop princess was the devil. I was inclined to agree, but I had no idea how the discussion had gotten skewed and onto the topic of Spears' feet. If I had been fully focused on the conversation, I suppose I would have been slightly disturbed. As it was, I was more focused on the lesson being taught - at least, that's what everyone else thought. In reality, schemes and scenarios were pouring through my head. How oculd I talk to him? Especially after what had happened yesterday at the mall? I wasn't even sure if I should talk to him, but I knew that I wanted to. Maybe I needed closure or maybe I still liked him. Either way, I wanted to speal to him - regardless of the rightness of it - and emotion won out over logic.

I knew he had English last period - grade eleven although he should have been in grade twelve and this was another small anguish for me. His locker was right outside the English room, it Juliette could be believed. I had never seen him there myself, although I had walked by several times.

Courtesy of Daniel, a friend in the same English class as Kevin, I knew they were having a test that day. And if I knew anything about English tests, it was that they were all inhumanly and impossibly long-winded - most of the students would be writing until the bell. The old Kevin would have been one of the ones to keep writing even after the bell, and I hoped he hadn't changed too much. It might be my only chance to see him but I couldn't leave Chemistry early to ensure that I didn't miss him.

As soon as the bell - which sounded more like an old touch-tone telephone than a proper bell - rang, I sprang from my desk and out the door. Quick as a bunny, I was down by the English wing, trying to orient on Room 222 after my mad dash. Spotting it, my heart lept to see Kevin's talk figure pushing though the crowd, a thick winter coat on his frame and his backpack slung over one shoulder.

Should I run after him? I wasn't that desperate yet! Well, okay, maybe I was, but I still wasn't about to run after him like a lunatic! It wasn't even like I could run after him if I wanted to - the hallway was a mosh pit, a tiny little piazza where everyone in the school had suddenly decided to meet at the same time.

As my locker was on the other side of the school and one floor down, it was a good five minutes of fighting upstream from the tide before I reached it.

Juliette was there, waiting for me, arms crossed and brow arched. "So, did you find him?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked innocently, toying with my combination lock. Thirty-nine…eleven - rhymes with Kevin - I mean, eleven…forty-five……why isn't this damn locker opening?

"Well, what did he say?"

Abruptly, I stopped trying to pull my locker open. I'd opened the lock long ago, but the door seemed to be stuck. When I glanced up at Juliette, I could see what was the matter.

She was leaning on my locker door, blue gaze staring intensely down at me. "Well, out with it. You dashed away like someone had set your ass on fire just to see him. So what did he say to you?"

"Could I please open my locker first?"

Juliette didn't move for some seconds. I thought I would have to ask again when she jerked away awkwardly.

"Okay, fine. There you go," she said, annoyed as hell now, as I ducked my head and wished the locker would swallow me up. "Now Selena, tell me what happened."

"God, Juliette, but you can be such a…never mind."

"No, come on, let's finish the thought. I'm a bitch right? You were going to say it and maybe I am. But you've lost it, Lina. Ever since Kevin came into the picture, you've been a wreck. Other people might not notice, but I'm your best friend and I do," Juliette spoke quickly, vehemently. "And I'm worried, Lina. I really am."

She had a point. I knew I was a wreck. Another week like this and my grades weren't going to be salvageable. I didn't appreciate the way Juliette was putting it - so bluntly and so suddenly - but I wasn't the type to stay angry for any amount of time, at least not when it came to Jules.

"He didn't say anything," I admitted, sounding more despondent than I had meant to.

The expression on Juliette's face would have been hilarious but for my mood. "What, you mean he didn't say anything to you at all?"

"He didn't even see me, Juliette."

"Why, that son-of-a-"

I stopped her quickly. "No, he was walking out the door and I didn't run after him. It wasn't his fault."

Juliette wasn't convinced, you could see it in her eyes. She didn't voice that opinion though. Instead, she said, "Whatever. We're going to find him." She locked up my locker, grabbed my backpack with one hand and my arm in the other and began marching down the hall.

"We have to put an end to this nonsense, Lina. I don't care if we have to take the bus to his house, but this is going to end!"

Fortunately, we didn't have to wait thirty minutes for the bus to come and take up to Kevin's house. This was due to the extremely unfortunate fact that as we ascended the central staircase, Kevin descended.

Before I could distract Juliette, she had spotted him and yelled, "You!"

He had been veritably running down the stairs, but he halted instantly. His momentum carried the upper half of his body past the lower half and he had to grab the railing to keep from plunging headlong down the tiled steps. Upon sorting all this out, Kevin turned his green gaze towards us.

Like yesterday, he didn't speak; he just looked, but this time, he recognized me. He wasn't high and he recognized me and he still said nothing. It hurt so much more this way.

Of course, I wasn't at all sure that he wouldn't have spoken. I would have found out soon enough though, if Juliette didn't start ranting and raving to his face.

"You're Kevin Thomas, right?"

Bemused, he nodded slowly.

"Well, then I think you owe someone here an apology."

Kevin was looking decidedly more uncomfortable now. One dark brow was raised in concerned consternation and his lips were twisted into a half-grimace. Having Juliette lose it on you was a but like having a crazed mountain cat pounce on you while you were vacationing in Jamaica - vicious, painful and definitely unexpected. I had an idea what Kevin must have felt and I could tell he was hoping I could get him out of this; his darting eyes said it all.

There really wasn't much I could do when Jules was in this state. Truly, nothing on earth could stop her, but I tried. "Jules, Juliette, come on, forget it. It's nothing -"

"No, Selena, it is not nothing!" She shouted and her voice reverberated in the staircase. Pulling her arm free of my grasp, she continued rampantly, "I'm sick and tired of worrying about you, Selena. Ever since he's been here, you've been totally spaced - it's not like you. This guy has hurt you and I want him to know it! He should know it and he should apologize."

"Juliette, I know you think that and I thank you for thinking of me," I explained, trying to steady my voice as much as possible. "But Jules, I'm sorry. I-I'm not ready for this." With that said, I turned around and headed down the stairs the way we had come. I didn't spare a look for Kevin - if I did, I knew it would turn into more than a look; it would become a stare, which would ensure that I'd have to speak to him and I realized now that I couldn't do that, not now, maybe not ever. Because of this, I didn't see Kevin open his mouth to call after me and I didn't see the deadly glare from Juliette that shut him up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After that incident, I saw Kevin more often in the halls. It didn't make much sense; you'd think the episode would have repelled him, but maybe he wanted to find out what he'd done wrong so he could apologize?

It was too much to hope for, especially since we never spoke. Oh, I would want to. My mind would concoct the words, the manner and the tone. But each time, my heart held me back.

There was a gun to my heart; every time I neared Kevin, every time I went to say something, the safety turned off and the trigger threatened to be pulled. It was Kevin who held the gun, Kevin who had used it once already who had pulled the trigger at point-blank range over three years ago and nearly killed me with the bullet. It had taken some time to gather the pieces and I wasn't all that eager to pay another visit to the emotional ICU.

I was, however, scheduled to volunteer at the actual ICU and emergency ward of the hospital that Tuesday night from six to eight.

All I did for ICU was go on coffee runs and make up the occasional chart, so I usually stuck to emergency. It had been about eight months now since I'd begun volunteering and I had developed a steady routine: sign-in, tidy waiting room, restock blanket warmer, make charts for emergency, coffee runs for emergency and ICU at 7:30, go home. It wasn't the world's most stimulating volunteer position, but if I wanted to be a doctor, I figured I had to get over my dread of the ER sometime.

After eight months, the fear and the memories were pretty much under control. But sometimes, like now, something would remind me and I would have to sit down somewhere, take deep breaths and try to control the pain.

Today was the first time since I'd seen Kevin at school that I had volunteered. As soon as I walked through the doors, I had known it was a mistake. Something was amiss and it wasn't just the memories flooding into my mind, although they were a start.

I had known I would remember and that I would be deeply affected, but I hadn't expected the nausea to hit me with such magnitude. But what had I expected? All my troubles in the last few weeks ultimately lead to this one place and everything converged, creating a black cesspool of pain. Lives had been ruined in this ward - I had seen it more than once in eight months - but one life in particular aggrieved me most.

As soon as I felt the headache begin, I had plopped myself down onto one of the blue-grey chairs in the emergency waiting room. The nurses and receptionists wouldn't bother me about it, it had happened before and they understood. As for the patients, I was too out-of-it to care what they thought.

Now, slouched in my chair, an arm slung over my eyes, I told myself to calm down, Play it back, Selena. Don't repress it; you know it'll just get worse if you do. Remember, then you can forget.

And so I succumbed and centered upon that summer before Kevin went to high school?

"I bet you can't make it all the way to that high branch like I did!"

"I bet I can!"

"No way!"

"I can! I can climb to any branch that you can, Kevin Thomas!"

"Okay, then prove it! Reach that branch and I'll believe you."

The branch in question was one about nine meters up on the dreaded left side of the tree. I still never climbed that side, but there was no stopping Kevin and Kyla. The more I insisted they stop, the higher they climbed, just to spite me. I'd eventually given up, but the 2Ks kept climbing higher and higher, until it had come to this. Kevin had reached the flimsy-looking branch and was egging Kyla on to try it for herself. As usual, he had also dared me to do it, but also as usual, my reply was an adamant refusal. I had no death wish, but the same couldn't be said for Kyla.

Her hands were already on her hips and now she stomped her foot angrily. The whole thing made her look a tiny enraged bell ready to charge at the red flag that was her brother. "You want proof? I'll do it! Sure I will!"

14-year-old Kevin just laughed, then crossed his arms over his chest and taunted, "Okay, we're waiting, midget."

Oh, she was incensed all right, but that didn't make her stupid. The branch was a thin, precarious one that leaned out further than the rest. The wind wasn't very strong, but it still made it sway in a disturbing manner. I couldn't begin to fathom how that tiny thing had held Kevin's weight, but if it had supported him, it must be able to support Kyla's slighter frame, right?

That was the only thought I could hold onto as Kyla took a deep breath, glared at Kevin and began her ascent.

"Kevin, this isn't a good idea," I said quietly. "Please, tell her to come back. She could get hurt."

"Oh, come on Selena! Nothing's going to happen," Kevin assured with a wide grin meant to comfort - it just discomfited me further. Seeming to realize this, Kevin added, "Selena, think of it this way. If that branch could hold my weight, it'll have no trouble supporting Kyla."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" I whispered angrily, leaning close towards Kevin to be heard. The motion caught Kyla's eye and she turned apprehensively towards us. I waved and began to speak - I wanted to tell her to get down, but Kevin beat me to it.

"Come on, midget! You're only halfway up! Don't tell me you're too chicken to make it to the top!" Softer to me, he whispered back, "Well, doesn't it?"

I snorted. "Make me feel better? No! That explanation just proves that you've been thinking about how strong that branch might be. It means you know it's dangerous and you're still lettering her go up there!"

Kevin was beginning to get upset now. "Selena, you know you're really starting to sound like an old b…bag. We've climbed higher than this before," he pointed out. "So I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. It's nothing! There's not way she could get hurt. After all, I didn't and do you honestly think I would let my sister do something that could really hurt her? Who do you think I am? I thought you knew me better than that!"

The rant deterred me a little. The fire inside of me began to cool from a blue flame to a yellow ember. But if that branch breaks, it won't matter if it's intentional or not. She'll still fall and I have a bad feeling about this whole thing."

For the first time, a flicker of uncertainty danced in his gold-flecked eyes. But it was soon gone and all his confidence rushed back. "Oh, Selena, don't worry about it. She'll be fine."

I still wasn't sure, despite his reassurance.

At any rate, the whole exchange had been made softly but fervently; Kevin and I almost had to touch foreheads to be heard and now, I stayed in that position for a moment longer, glaring at him for all I was worth.

This fact didn't escape Kyla's notice, but from her high perch - she was almost at the branch now - she must have taken it for something else. O had, after all, confessed my little crush on Kevin to her a few weeks ago.

"Oh, look at that. Isn't that cute?" she called down as she climbed. All her apprehension seemed to be lost now. She was climbing quickly and steadily with confidence as she sang, "Kevin and Selena, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes - "

I could feel the blood crawling up my neck to my face. It was a slow and steady ascent, like soldiers marching to the front and it was just as unstoppable.

"Kyla! You shut up, right now!" Kevin hollered beside me as I ducked my head. "I mean it! That's not funny!"

Whoa, he sounds mad! A part of my mind observed coolly. I couldn't imagine why; I'd expected him to laugh it off.

Risking embarrassment, I glanced up at Kevin with my red, red face and was surprised to see his was slightly flushed too. Well, well, well, wasn't this a revelation?

But I didn't dwell on the thought - in fact, I never had the chance to dwell on it - because right then, I heard a scream from above.

Kevin had still been yelling at Kyla, but now he cut off in the middle of a word.

Some movies depict accidents or tragedies in a slow-motion kind of way; many books do the same. But what I saw that day wasn't slow at all. It was fast, it was sudden and it was brutal.

I did see her slip - that much I witnessed. I saw her turn sheepishly in response to Kevin's anger and I saw her lose her footing. She reached out to grab something, anything, but the branch seemed too far from anything substantial.

Still, amazingly, her hand caught another branch as she fell, but it was much too thin to hold her. It snapped and the sharp crack, to my ears, was much louder than it could have been. Kyla's back fell hard upon the branch she had been standing on and that blow brought her and the branch crashing down.

I had no time to register more as Kevin darted towards the tree. I had never seen him run so quickly; but even so…even so, I knew he would be too late.

I wanted to run after him, but I found that I couldn't move. Any moment now, I expected to wake up - after all, my best friend couldn't be plunging some 10 metres from a tree branch. Any moment now, she would land safely on her feet and I would wake up to see that none of this had been real.

But dreams can seem real while reality feels unreal. As I looked on it denial, I heard the sickening thud of Kyla's body meeting the ground. The sound made me jump; it didn't really draw me from my dream-like state, but it did enable me to go to her.

When I got there, Kyla's left leg was twisted at an odd angle, like someone had jerked it to the side from the knee down. Involuntarily, I winced, but although her face was white, she didn't seem to be in much pain. Her eyes were wide as she gazed up at Kevin, cradling her head in his lap, but there was no moisture in either of their eyes.

"Selena, get my mom!" Kevin was yelling, "Call an ambulance! Selena, do you hear me? SELENA!"

That final shout finally caught my attention. "Yes?" I asked rather calmly, and a part of me was surprised that I could be so mellow at a time like this. Another part of me, the part that was controlling my motion and emotions asked, "A time like this? What do you mean?"

"Selena, go call an ambulance," Kevin said suddenly quiet when I turned my eyes towards him. "Please."

"Okay."

I didn't run to my house. Instead, I went to Kevin's for a reason I couldn't fathom right then. I didn't knock, but walked right in and in the kitchen, asked Mrs. Thomas to use their phone. She regarded me strangely and asked why I needed to use their phone. Was my line dead?

"No," I replied levelly. "Kyla's fallen from the maple and Kevin told me to call an ambulance."

Mrs. Thomas didn't answer me. She frowned, probably wondering if my words were a joke, then hurried over to the window while keeping an eye on me. Quickly, she peeked out from the curtain and I saw her suddenly fall forward and clutch the sink.

"Westley," she called softly, then more loudly, "Westley!" She kept repeating her husband's name, louder and louder each time as her hysteria gained the upper hand, until he came racing into the kitchen. Mr. Thomas took one look out the window and the couple immediately raced from the house.

Their reactions had brought me slightly out of my daze, but only enough for me to feel faintly disturbed before I dialed 911. Placidly, I explained the situation to the operator and gave her the address of my house. Then, assured that an ambulance was on its way right that instant, I hung up and strode out of the Thomas' front door.

Half the neighbourhood had converged in a circle upon my lawn by then. When they caught sight of me, they shuffled a little and made an opening I could walk through to Kyla.

Keiara and Colin, Kyla's siblings, were both out at the time, but Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were screaming enough for those who were absent. Both of them were crying, admonishing Kyla and asking her if she was okay in the same breath.

They were the epitome of hysteria.

Kevin and Kyla, on the other hand, were both relatively quiet. Kyla spoke softly once in a while, telling her parents that she was okay, her leg didn't really hurt - in fact, she couldn't feel it at all, it was her back that bothered her a little bit. Kevin was supporting her head in his lap and I could see him speak to Kyla although I couldn't hear him. Once in a while, Kyla would turn to him as well and smile bravely and say something in return.

Slowly, I made my way towards that scene. It was a private moment and I began to loathe everyone who was standing around, gawking like this was some exciting new freak show come to town. I guess I wasn't so different from the neighbours, but I had been a part of this, I reasoned. I should be there.

And on that thought, I reached Kevin and placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked up then - only for a moment, but I will never forget the look in his eyes. They were dark, hollow, the green turned almost black by guilt and grief. The pupils were dilated, wide with fear. There was self-loathing in the deep green depths and I began to fear for him. His lips were grimly set and that did not change when he caught sight of me. He registered my presence, but nothing more.

There were not words spoken between us. Later, he would speak to me, but never again would it mean anything. Before, just a word, the sound of this voice, could bring a smile to my face. Afterwards, his voice lost its vibrancy and he spoke only words.

**********