Full Circle (con't): First Ending

The sound of a phone ringing brought me out of my memories. The shrill ring continued for a few seconds before a nurse answered it. She took some quick notes, then hung up.

As soon as I had seen that it was the red phone ringing, I had risen from my emergency room chair and started towards the nurse's station. An ambulance was coming and I had better do anything I needed to back there before the nurses began bustling around like busy honeybees.

Taking a stack of small square towels from a cart, I transplanted them to the niche where they belonged. While doing this, I heard a nurse named Adam ask, "So Mandy, who's coming?"

Mandy, the nurse who had answered the phone, replied brusquely, "4 car pile-up on Duncan Ave. Most have minor injuries, but a 17-year-old boy is in bad shape. He was in the passenger side when his car ran into the on in front. Another car behind ran into them and the fourth car skidded into the passenger side of the second car."

Mandy had been drawing a diagram on the whiteboard as she spoke. It resembled a T with the point where the two lines met bending out a little into an inverted V. I could see how the boy could be hurt badly, since he was right at the point where the lines met. Mandy went on to explain the extent of his injuries, but most of it was described as code so-and-so and I had no idea what that meant.

Minutes later, the ambulance pulled in. I was always surprised by now calmly they drove in. It didn't matter if they were bringing in a DOA or a psychopath; they always seemed so collected.

With a sort of morbid fascination - although I knew the patient wasn't dead - I found myself staring intently as the paramedics unloaded the patient from the ambulance. They were quick and efficient, but it wasn't like ER or anything, where they dashed into the hospital like rabid lunatics.

Just as they were beginning to bring the stretcher out - I could see the boy's legs - I was tapped on the shoulder. Inadvertently, I jumped and whipped my head around.

I came face-to-face with Dr. Amelia Allerick, who smiled apologetically and said, "Sorry I startled you, Selena. I was just wondering if you could get a patient's file for me?"

"Oh, sure," I replied, fixing a smile upon my face. A feeling of wrongness had been running through me all night and watching the paramedics was certainly not helping it. Something was up, but I didn't know what. I didn't want to know what and maybe some errands would get my mind off of it.

"Great," Dr. Allerick said with a genuine smile. "I'll call Medical Records to let them know you're coming."

Fake smile still plastered to my face, I nodded and started down the hall. I took my time; if Dr. Allerick was just calling now, it would a while for Med. Records to find it. If I walked quickly, I'd just be waiting outside a closed door anyway.

Despite my meandering, I was still left waiting for a bit. "Sorry about that!" Caroline said sheepishly. "It took us a while to find this one."

"Oh, it's no problem," I assured her and went on my way back to Emerg, holding the white, waxy envelope under my arm. Patient records were confidential and the envelope was specifically marked with the words: PATIENT FILE, CONFIDENTIAL. However, time and time again, I found my eye wandering to the opening of that envelope under my arm. If it would open just a little bit more, I could get a glimpse of a name?

"Hi, Selena!"

Guiltily, I jerked my head up to see Jen Hepner, another volunteer, walking by with coffee cups in hand. "Hey, Jen." I said with a smile and a tiny wave. "How's it going?"

"Oh, the usual," she replied, gesturing to the cups in her hands. "On a coffee run right now."

I arched a brow. "Yes, I can see that. I could use some myself."

She rolled her eyes expressively and answered, "I know what you mean. Anyway, I've gotta get going. I'll see you later, Selena."

"Yeah, bye!"

The whole exchange took less than 20 seconds, but it had taken my mind of off the file. Nevertheless, as I strode the down the never-ending corridor, the nagging feeling of wrongness reemerged. Again, I found myself glancing down. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had never remotely entertained the thought of looking at a patient file before and now, for some reason, I was obsessed with it! Had Kevin driven me completely mad?

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. Spying the washroom coming up, I slipped in, trying to look inconspicuous. That, of course, meant glancing around furtively like a ferret and if anyone had walked by, I couldn't have been more conspicuous, but thankfully, there was no one around. Hiding inside a stall, I gingerly peeled back the edge of the white envelope. And promptly dropped it.

Suddenly, it all clicked into place. The feelings of unease all made sense now, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't give for ignorance right then.

Bursting out of the stall, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and froze. My eyes were wild, wide and panicked and I had never seen myself so pale. Tears were welling up already and a bitterness, a hatred for fate and irony. At the last moment, I remembered the file, that accursed thing, and picked it up off the floor before making a mad dash for Emerg.

I had been gone for quite some time, more than enough for the paramedics to get him in and the nurses to get a first impression of what to do with him. Therefore, when I reached Emerg, the ward was quiet and calm. It all seemed so wrong to me. God, he was dying, dying, and everyone was acting like it was a sunny Thursday afternoon, a perfect day for a picnic!

The first person I saw was Mandy, not really running, but walking quickly towards one of the rooms in the back with an armload of supplies. I called out to her, desperation in my voice.

The tone of it made her stop and look back at me in concern. "Yes, Selena?"

"Where's Kevin?"

"I don't know what you mean, Selena." Her voice was so reasonable, so emotionless, so opaque - just like her face - and I wanted to run and shake her, yell at her, throw a tantrum.

"Where is Kevin Thomas? I need to see him."

When she saw the file under my arm, her eyes widened a little and then she set her jaw. "You shouldn't have been looking at the patient files, Selena. I'm going to have to report this -"

"Go ahead!" I yelled back, the dam finally bursting and the raw grief crashing through. "Go ahead and report me! But I didn't need the file to know, though it confirmed things! I've had a feeling all day! I knew it was going to happen before it did and I need to see him!" Seeing she was shocked but my outburst, but still not convinced I should see Kevin, I began to plead. "Please, Mandy. I know it seems crazy, I know I'm acting crazy, but he's one of my best friends. I need to see him. I need to see him before I lose him. Please, Mandy. Please understand."

"How well do you know him?" She asked gently, finally moved by my sobs.

"I've known him since I was eight, for half of my life, Mandy. Please."

A pained expression crossed her face then. "I shouldn't."

"Please."

She bit her lips and winced. "He might make it, you can see him then."

He wasn't going to make it, I could see that already in her eyes. We both knew it.

"Oh, alright," she finally agreed. "But it's bloody, I'll warn you in advance. And he's not totally conscious. The paramedics doped him up on pain-killers and he's been calling for someone named Kyla since he got here. Do you know who she is?"

I nodded grimly. "She's his little sister. Have you called the family yet?"

"They're on their way. I don't know if they'll make it in time though; he's fading fast."

I closed my eyes a moment. Oh, Kevin, what have you become?

When I opened them again, Mandy had just opened the door to his room. Dr. Allerick and Dr. Ferrari were in a corner arguing over what could be done for him while a few nurses were bustling around, doing who knew what. Medical instruments were everywhere and the beeping would have driven me crazy, had I been listening. Instead, it was all background static, because I immediately caught sight of Kevin. Almost everything around him was bloody - his pale face was a startling contrast. His green eyes were closed and his ghostly lips moved frantically with words I couldn't hear. I went to rush to his side, but it was then that Dr. Allerick stopped me.

"Selena, what are you going here?" she demanded, fiery ice in her eyes.

Seeing that I wasn't about to answer this myself, Mandy extracted the envelope from under my arm and pulled Dr. Allerick to one side. With her other hand, she motioned for me to go to Kevin, which I did.

As they saw me approach, the nurses moved back a little, hovering at a distance far enough to give us a semblance of privacy and at the same time, close enough to come running at a moment's notice.

"Kevin," I whispered beside his ear, trying not to look at the blood. Aside from a small cut at his left temple, his face was untouched; if I concentrated on only it, I might have believed he was just sleeping. That is, until he opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Kyla?" he gasped raggedly, like a thirsty man reaching desperately for the last drop of water in a canteen.

"No, it's Selena," I answered gently, regretfully. "But Kyla will be here soon. Don't worry, everything's going to be okay."

"Selena?" And his eyes focused a little on my face. The flash of recognition and happiness was almost invisible, but I'd like to think I saw it in his beautiful eyes. "There was…car accident…Chad was high, no, no…we were all high but we didn't…we weren't?quot; he trailed off, when he realized the futility of it. Excuses weren't going to make him better now. Besides, there were more important things to be said and he had precious little breath to say it with.

"You knew this would happen, didn't you?"

The question caught me by surprise. "Kevin, I -"

"I know you never approved?quot; He took a painful breath, then continued, "Do you hate me?"

"What? No! Kevin, no! I never, I never did. I never could!"

The smile was a mere upturning of the corner of his lips, but it was there. "Good." Then his eyes clouded over again. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Your friend…that day…on the stairs, said I hurt you. I'm sorry…I never wanted you to hurt."

Just when I thought I had the tears under control, he had to say those words. Just when I thought I was okay, the music had to come back into his dying voice. "No, it's okay, Kevin," I managed to choke out. "I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me."

But it was like he hadn't heard. "And I'm hurting you again…I keep on hurting…other people. Tell Kyla I'm sorry…I couldn't deal…with the pain of what I did. It was my fault and I couldn't handle -" And suddenly, his body was racked with coughs, accompanied by sprays of blood. The nurses dashed to his side with a bowl, but the first sprays had already stained my white shirt red.

When the coughs ceased, the nurses backed away again, but this time, they stayed closer.

"You can tell Kyla yourself, Kevin. She's coming and everything will be okay."

"Isn't it ironic?" His voice was smaller now and I could barely hear him.

"What is, Kevin?"

"We've come full circle…I started taking drugs…after Kyla was here…and now?quot; He couldn't go on anymore, but I could finish the thought for him: "and now I'm back here because of the drugs."

It was bitterly ironic and I had already seen it. "I know, I understand."

After he regained his breath, Kevin seemed to come to a sudden realization. The light flickered just behind his eyes again and he gasped, "Selena…I'm dying -"

"No, Kevin. No, it'll be okay."

" -and before I'm gone…you need to know…I've missed you…I…I think I might love you?quot;

Those words, those words that I had longed to hear for years. But God, why did he have to confess it on his deathbed? And why couldn't I tell him that I loved him too? That I had for the past 3 years, even though I hadn't seen him? What was wrong with me?!

The turmoil inside me lasted only a split second, but that was all it took for the moment to be broken. For a moment later, Kyla came crashing in on her wheelchair. When she saw me, she froze, but only long enough for her to recognize me. She must have heard he wasn't going to make it and every second counted right then.

She nodded to me as I stepped away from Kevin, then turned to her older brother. I couldn't help but notice that her face was dry as she reached to cradle his head. The nurses tried to stop her and she shot needles at them with her eyes. With some imagination, this would have been the summer of 4 years past, when this whole cycle had began.

Kyla bent down and began to speak to her brother in a low voice I couldn't decipher. It was then that the rest of the family ran in but I had heard them coming long before. Mrs. Thomas was keening, half-collapsed on her husband's arm already. Mr. Thomas wasn't much better off. This time, Colin and Keiara were present and the four of them all huddled at the foot of the bed, crying. You would have thought that he was dead already.

Through it all, Kyla never stopped speaking and Kevin's eyes never left hers. I saw him mouth, "I'm sorry," to her at one point.

Seconds later, I realized that his eyes had glassed over and that Kyla was finally weeping, sobbing for all she was worth as the nurses tried to usher everyone out.

And as I followed everyone else out, I didn't see the Thomas' crying. I didn't hear their sounds of grief. Instead, in my mind's eye, all I could see was the tree that had started the whole vicious cycle. All I could hear was Kevin's voice whispering, "I think I love you," and this wasn't the dying voice, the one that held a trace of the music he once had. It was what I would always think of as his real voice, the one in which the music fully lived, the one that could make me smile even as he sang "Sweet Caroline" off-key.

And the smell that permeated everything wasn't the smell of Kevin's blood, which covered me and made my shirt stick to my body like saran wrap. Instead, what I smelled was grape punch and Fruit Loops, the smell that had re-introduced Kevin Thomas to my life, just so he could be plucked away again. Forever.

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