SLE is a Disease that will come upon you sometimes without a warning, affecting mostly women, and taking away, from mostly women. We can lose some very important parts of ourselves to this disease. This is how it all began , and no I am not at the end, but with Gods help, I am learning to live again.

My life has not always been hurting every move I make, and pain with no end in sight. As a child, I was kind of sickly, always having lung infections, and kidney infections. But as I grew, it lay low. At the age of 18, I married and started in a journey that would bring us closer to one another and to God.

In 1985 God blessed us with a baby girl, and all seemed well. But in the end of 1986, they found a tumor on the thyroid gland. The thought of having another baby was looking very slim, but God was not through, and knew what was ahead. As I was on the operating table to go have this surgery, the doctor came in and said we can't do this, you are pregnant. I had no idea!! It was all in Gods great plan and time. When she was three months old I had the tumor removed. But during this time, the surgerys from the c-section and tumor being removed, the lupus that lay silent, was stirred up and began to slowly attack my organs. One year after, I had to have a hysterectomy.

Constant fevers, lymphnodes swollen, ; this disease has no respect of age, race, or what kind of plans you have made for your future. It hurts and destroys not only physically, but mentally as well. One yr after this, I had found lumps in my breast, both. They were so many and had not always been there. I finally gave in and went to the doctor.They had to come out. They tried to draw them out, but were so hard they could not. Three tumors had to be removed at that time. One right after another would come up. I was very disfigured from all of the surgerys. So we decided to go ahead with the sub-q massectomy. If the tumors were not cancer, we decided to go with the silicon implants. ( this is the starting of a whole other story.)

All of the tissue was pre-cancer, and if I had waited just a while longer would have had full blown cancer. After all of this, I started to lose my hair, having trouble breathing, my hips were in such pain. I was having seizures as well. It was the guidance of the Lord that lead me to Dr. T. Stephen Balch, in Atlanta. He is the director of the lupus foundation there. At this time I have kidney, bladder, brain, sinus, and lungs... among other things. Lupus in by no means a "cheap" disease, although none of them are. you have to alter your lifestyle, in many ways. Even the sun is an enemy to your skin, your eyes. you can't even plan a simple trip to the beach with your family. And do your kids really understand when you have to go 200+ miles to the hospital, and the doctor? When you can't play with them today, maybe tomorrow; and when tomorrow comes you feel just as bad, if not worse?

So many emotions go along with this too. The chance to enjoy your family, and to see special times in my childrens lives. None of that can be replaced!! But, prayerfully, there will be time and strength for new memories!

And then there is the stress that any illness can put on a family and the marriage. I feel so guilty, because if it had not been for me, we would not have the money pressures we have. But we always break even!! The Lord does provide!!

One thing we all think about, is do I submit to this, do I bow down and let it take over my life: I think we confuse taking care of the illness and giving into it. Sometimes we don't realize just how very sick we are untill we have to lay back, and take treatments and let the world go on without us, and it will!!

How do you fight something you can't see? Maybe we can't but God can!!! and that is all that matters!!! He will even out the score in the 4th quarter!! Our part comes in when we decide to let this somehow help others; Let them see our strengths, but be strong enough to let them see us cry when it hurts!! AM I so special that I should not have a cross to bear? Sometimes we may ask, "Lord, what am I supose to be learning from all of this?" I look to where all of the answers come from, God's Word. It will never lead us wrong, and will always lift us up to the place to where we need to be. 11Cor 1: 4 Paul says that I may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God"

If we had not gone through what we have gone through, how then could we help others? To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." Ecu 3:1 Where there is suffering there is a healing in one way or another.

No I am not through with this cross, and will have many others to bear no doubt; But I am reminded of all that our Lord bore for us....Matt 8: 17"...He Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sickness." that no matter what we may go through, He has already been there and has already bore them for us. No greater suffering, no greater sacrifice, and John 15: 13 says, "no greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down His life for His friends". He has so much love for you and me, and proved it on calvery, how then can I not say, "It is well, with my soul; what ever my lot, even so, It is well with my soul....."

--Robyn