He tried to keep his head up, but slowly felt himself lean down, until eventually his left ear was resting on the desktop. It wasn’t goddamned fair. David closed his eyes to shut in the sudden, uncharacteristic tears that had sprung up. He moved his hand up and down the page, to the point where the pen was tearing a hole through the paper. He opened his eyes and felt the tears begin to fall slowly down his cheeks.
A tear fell to the corner of his lips and David’s tongue snuck out of his mouth, licking the tear. Salt mixing with smoke. That precious, life-giving smoke which David had seen as his escape mechanism from reality, and now they wanted him to be stuck in reality.
David wrote down, in the simplest form he could master, what was on his mind.
Jenny tried the door to the apartment, and finding it unlocked, walked inside.
The apartment was dark, which was somewhat of the norm for David. The curtains weren’t drawn and the lights of New York City sashayed across the wooden floorboards of the bare living room. Jenny shut the door quietly and shrugged off her jacket, tossing it over the back of the couch. The snow that had collected in the jacket’s hood fell and began to melt into a watery puddle on the floor.
Jenny had wanted to replace the boards with carpet for a long time now. David had refused. The floorboards had been there since he brought the apartment, back in 1982. He didn’t like change.
The door to David’s study was open and Jenny could see the yellow light from a desk lamp blaring. Without turning on the main light, she walked over to the doorway, leaning against the frame.
David didn’t see her standing there. Jenny knew that the way he bent over his desk in his chair, his left ear almost parallel to the desktop, was highly uncharacteristic of him. His stiff white shirt, black vest and black pants put some sort of relief in Jenny, as this was also the norm.
Then Jenny heard David sniff. Then Jenny heard David sob.
‘David?’
David sprung his head up. He tore out the sheet of paper from the journal, rumpling it up and tossing it into the bin. Craning his neck to look in the direction of the speaker, David saw Jenny, his beautiful Jenny, standing in the doorway to his study, her face both surprised and afraid.
She wore blue jeans, a black skivvy and her dark hair framed her face. So young, simple and comprehending. Everything, David knew and felt, he was not.
‘Jen…’
Jenny wanted to comfort him but didn’t want to come any closer. Tears were set to stream down his cheeks, tear tracks were already in faint lines running from his eyes to his mouth to his jaw. His dark blonde hair fell limp across his forehead but it was his eyes that made Jenny freeze. The blue irises were cold, so much colder than usual.
David quickly stood up, trying to gain any composure he had left. The gradually-becoming-worse dizziness swept over him, like it did when he tried to make sudden movements, and combined with the pain that shot through his bones as he pressed his hands down on the desk made him yell in agony.
Startled out of her shock, Jenny ran forward, throwing her arms around his waist, trying to steady him. ‘What’s wrong, love?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Don’t be stupid. You don’t cry.’
Fire clashed with the ice in David’s eyes. ‘I’m human, Jenny! Of course I bloody cry!’
Jenny didn’t respond, she just pulled her arms away from him and stood helpless at the corner of his desk, her hair falling down over her face to hide her frightened expression. ‘What’s wrong with you? What’s the matter?’
David didn’t look at her, the wave of dizziness passing. He slammed the journal shut. ‘Nothing. There’s nothing wrong.’
He inwardly yelled at his voice for betraying him.
‘You’re acting strangely. People don’t cry when there’s nothing wrong.’ Jenny refused to move.
David tapped his fingers slowly across the journal, keeping his facial muscles perfectly under control as he managed not to cringe from the pain searing around his knuckles. ‘Fine. Completely fine. As per usual.’
The journal got thrown to the back of the desk before David made a controlled step forward towards Jenny.
Jenny tried to take a step back, but David grabbed her velvety hand into his hardened hand. His eyelashes softly brushed her cheek.
‘I need us.’
Jenny moved out from under the comforter. She shuddered from the winter cold. Seeing David’s forgotten shirt on the floor, she pulled it on, buttoning it over her breasts. She didn’t bother with underwear or pants. They had nothing left to hide.
David opened his eyes slowly as he heard the bedroom door open, and they followed the ghost like figure of Jenny out of the room. He sat up, ready to call out after her, but let the dizziness overwhelm him without a battle. It was so damn hot in the room.
Jenny padded quickly across the living room to the study. Across the wooden floor, daylight was breaking into a thousand little pieces.
Leaving the study door open, Jenny sat down in David’s chair, pulling the wastebasket to rest between her feet. She found what she was looking for easily, as it was the only piece of what David called rubbish in the basket.
Jenny placed the paper on the desk and spread it out carefully, her fingers running along every crease. When she was ready, she looked down. She forced herself to read the entire note through sparkling salt water in her eyes.
Three months left.
I refuse to believe that I have cancer.
I refuse to believe…
Jenny turned around quickly when she heard the clearing of a throat.
David leaned uncomfortably in the doorway.
He was crying, uncharacteristically.