"Sometimes I think I'm breaking down
other times I think that I'm fine
but something got into my engine
and it slowed me down
now i've got to turn this whole thing around.....
Tthere's not a lot I believe anymore
I mistrust everything I am longing for
There's not a lot that I know anymore
but I know if a good bridge is burning....
Sometimes I think your crazy and sick
and other times I think your so fine
but I know I'm in danger
cuz you feel like a stranger
and I know that somethings going to give.....
There maybe a lot I dont know about you
but I know that if I dont swim
I'm already drowning...."
I try to figure out my problems and I don't know if it's working. I'm trying to use what I've learned in psychology and what I've learned about the power of the mind. If i believe I'm ok, then I must be, right? If I just tell myself everything is ok, then everything will be ok. I'm just about willing to try anything right now. I've been sitting around staring at a candle. It's the health candle. It's directions are that I need recite words, to evoke the power of the mind to help heal me.....It all seems so silly, but I need to fix myself. And because I'm the stubborn person that I am, I can't talk to someone, and since I can't talk to anyone directly, this is my indirect way of venting, and if my friends are really that interested in knowing what the fuck my problem is, now they have a way of understanding. Im losing it, everyday i'm losing it more and more. I think i can get better though, I think i can heal myself. I am strong. I think about killing myself sometimes, but it's just so pointless, I know that i have a future if I just allow myself to get on with it and pull through this stupid slump i'm in. Things will get better I know it. I think its really stupid to be depressed at the age of 17, you have so much to look forward to, why be depressed now, just have fun, right?? I try and tell myself that, then I look at those who are grown up, with kids, and have been married. I also see that they are either divorced, their kids hate them, or they are so unhappy in their marriage but they just can't leave it. No one seems happy in this stupid society we have created for ourselves. I just hope to god that when I do find a guy for me, he will be what i've been looking for along. I want a guy who wont cheat, who wont lie, who will fucking respect me, I want a guy who will hug me all day and only want to do that. God, I'm lonely.