I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm depressed because I feel I don't have anyone there for me, but I push those away from me because I'm depressed....The only girl that I every really call or want to talk to is Tasha, but whenever I'm feeling down I have to talk to a guy....I only call guys when I have nothing to do. It's not that I want them, I dont know what it is. I have this obsession with guys, but yet I hate them so much. I don't think it's possible for me to find a boyfriend again. When a guy checks me out or talks to me, I immediatly tell myself that he only wants to fuck me and he's probably a peice of shit guy anyways. Most of the time i'm sure that's true. Why can't I just find a good guy, my night and shinning armor. I guy that will open doors for me, or get up for me when there is only one seat, or buy me food when I have no money. I'm not saying that I expect this, it's actually the oposite, I don't expect it all, and when any guy offers any of these I tell them not to. I want a guy to kick another guys ass for me, I want a guy to go out of his way to chase me down because he wants me, not my cunt. I don't believe I could ever find that guy, and that makes me really really unhappy. I think that because I have convinced myself of this, that's probably why I can't find the reason to keep kicking and pulling through because maybe just maybe I'll find that guy. That's like one out of 1,000,000 for me. I believe I'm a good person and that I deserve a good guy, but for some reason I don't think the good guys perseve me as someone they think is good enough for them. So I drink, I smoke, I'm depressed, I dont know....nothing works for me anymore. I'm never in the right place everything is always going wrong, I don't fit in anywhere. I'll do nothing and people hate me. What's the point?