I'm always going crazy, its something constant...I try and tell myself that I'll only get better if I believe I can get better, but then I just think about all of the things that make everything so stupid and pointless. I read a book...The Bell Jar, it was an intensly good book, only because I went insane along with her. I can't find anything to make me happy....I don't know where my mind has gone. Maybe if my lifestyle returns to something without drugs I can focus on what it is that is disturbing me. Men....men disturb me, I find that I must always be close to them, sexual or not. I wish I didn't have this stupid fixation on men. I analyze myself constantly, I figure the main reasoning behind this need to be near men is the fact that I don't get enough of my dad. I don't see him as often as a daughter should. I feel so horrible, I want my boss so bad, but he's married and that is so wrong. He is also 8 years older than me....I probably want him because I can't have him. I don't even think it is that. He is the perfect guy, he just is....God I hate myself for wanting him.