Not so moody
Today...I feel like shit, my body is so warn out from my silly obsession with abusing my body, this time by smoking way too fucking much. I'm not in such a downer mood today though. I think I was still high when I woke up this morning and went to school. My brain just wouldn't work, so i did my make-up. I figure that if I feel like shit there's no sence in letting everyone else know by looking like shit too. I think i'm in the mood to spend what little money I have right now. I feel like going christmas shopping for some interesting things I might find in some shops downtown. I want to go to Victoria Secret as well, I don't really have the money to get anything, but I might be able to find some new little bra in there. I really need some new clothes. A girl needs to have a new really cool ass bra ever now and again. Maybe some undies too...hmmm, I really do hate shopping, I dont know why I feel I must right now...I think it's because I just saw my paycheck, and it makes me feel better that I'm going to have money again. Though I wont get it until tomorrow, because I have direct deposit, which will only go through on Friday. Well...I think I'm going to contact good ol' Tasha and see if she will go shopping with me. Maybe I'll bring that camera she let me borrow and take some nice photos for my photo class...Hmmm, maybe today will have some use come out it. Im glad, I only have to complete 2 hours and 15 minutes of community service.

Spit In Your Face
I'm always going crazy, its something constant...I try and tell myself that I'll only get better if I believe I can get better, but then I just think about all of the things that make everything so stupid and pointless. I read a book...The Bell Jar, it was an intensly good book, only because I went insane along with her. I can't find anything to make me happy....I don't know where my mind has gone. Maybe if my lifestyle returns to something without drugs I can focus on what it is that is disturbing me. Men....men disturb me, I find that I must always be close to them, sexual or not. I wish I didn't have this stupid fixation on men. I analyze myself constantly, I figure the main reasoning behind this need to be near men is the fact that I don't get enough of my dad. I don't see him as often as a daughter should. I feel so horrible, I want my boss so bad, but he's married and that is so wrong. He is also 8 years older than me....I probably want him because I can't have him. I don't even think it is that. He is the perfect guy, he just is....God I hate myself for wanting him.