Jesus Christ last night was insane!
Man on man.....I was pretty damn wasted last night. Toni, my boss, Tasha, and I went to Jen's house and fucking killed ourselves with liquor, well Toni and I did at least. Yes, my boss came and partied with us again. This time he didn't get wasted beyond belief, instead Toni and I just freaked him by getting wasted ourselves and saying really horrible things..haha. I've never actually admitted that I want him to his face, Toni always tells him, well last night, being the dumb fuck that I am, got all weird and soppy and told him how I felt. Well....Yeah, I think he just got sorta weirded out, and I asked about the whole kissing thing, and he said he was joking.....so, my boss is infact a good guy who wont cheat on his wife. I know I'm stupid for thinking that maybe he wanted me in some sick little way, but a girl can hope, right? We were dancing and I fucking took my shirt off....Gotta go.

I'm Confused
I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm depressed because I feel I don't have anyone there for me, but I push those away from me because I'm depressed....The only girl that I every really call or want to talk to is Tasha, but whenever I'm feeling down I have to talk to a guy....I only call guys when I have nothing to do. It's not that I want them, I dont know what it is. I have this obsession with guys, but yet I hate them so much. I don't think it's possible for me to find a boyfriend again. When a guy checks me out or talks to me, I immediatly tell myself that he only wants to fuck me and he's probably a peice of shit guy anyways. Most of the time i'm sure that's true. Why can't I just find a good guy, my night and shinning armor. I guy that will open doors for me, or get up for me when there is only one seat, or buy me food when I have no money. I'm not saying that I expect this, it's actually the oposite, I don't expect it all, and when any guy offers any of these I tell them not to. I want a guy to kick another guys ass for me, I want a guy to go out of his way to chase me down because he wants me, not my cunt. I don't believe I could ever find that guy, and that makes me really really unhappy. I think that because I have convinced myself of this, that's probably why I can't find the reason to keep kicking and pulling through because maybe just maybe I'll find that guy. That's like one out of 1,000,000 for me. I believe I'm a good person and that I deserve a good guy, but for some reason I don't think the good guys perseve me as someone they think is good enough for them. So I drink, I smoke, I'm depressed, I dont know....nothing works for me anymore. I'm never in the right place everything is always going wrong, I don't fit in anywhere. I'll do nothing and people hate me. What's the point?

Reaction Formation
At school and at work I'm usually unnaturally happy. I wonder if that is just me using the self defense mechanism, reaction formation, to make sure no one really knows how I feel inside. I don't like talking about my problems, maybe it's because I don't want people to worry about me, or make them feel uncomfortable. I know that if everyone perseves you as happy, then it is a happier mood all around, but once someone feels down or unhappy, everyone else sort of follows that mood. I learn that from my friends....

Dreams start off a bad day.
This morning I woke up from a dream. It would have been a really great dream, if only it weren't about my boss, who's married. I don't know why but dreaming about him like that really just made me so unhappy, because I want to not think of him like that, it makes me feel sick. His wife was in my dream too, which is probably the topping on the cake. I don't know why I'm obsessing over him so much. I think it's just that I realize what a good guy he truley is, and I don't meet good guys, so I am immediately drawn to him. I'm sure that because I can't have him, it also causes for me to be curious or at least wonder how he is to his wife...god that sounds so horrible. I just need to drop it, why am I even talking about it here, this is pathetic and stupid. I don't know what to do, I think if I start to tell people I don't like him like that anymore, then maybe I won't, because I have also noticed that when I tell people i'm into someone, that attraction grows....GOD DAMMIT!!! Well, aside from my stupid attractions, I hung out with Max for the majority of the day, we watched Catch Me if You Can, it's a very interesting movie, I know that we had started to watch it over at our friend Isaak's house, but I believe I passed out before it was over. I enjoy Max, he's a good guy.

DEADWEIGHT
I'm clear in heart and clear in mind
Clear to see what you've done to me
You tore me to peices and smiled.
My clouded vision wont save you this time.

Keep your head up your ass
It's probably a better view
You've had every chance in hell to be happy
You fuck it up every time
Don't bitch, learn from your mistakes
Stop digging your own grave.

I dare you to look me in the eyes
I'm numb to feelings of sadness
I'm numb to feelings of joy
I'm numb to you and how you used me like a toy

I hope you feel like shit
You make me sick
Your just a deadweight in my mind.

I'm Sick and Loving It
Seventeen and misunderstood
Walking out on the tight rope alone
I'll yell at you forever in my mind
Words will only fail to make you understand
No one can really see who I mean to be
My mind is a swirling world of hate and mistrust
I love to much which only gets me nothing in return.

I'm sick of this life
I'm sick of these people
They only bring me down

I wont try to make you happy
I wont try to ignore your comments
I wont try to ignore my feelings for you
I'll just drop them, I'll drop it all
I'm not loving what you do to me

I'm sick of this life
I'm sick of these people
They only bring me down.

Hey, voice in my head
"Sometimes I think I'm breaking down
other times I think that I'm fine
but something got into my engine
and it slowed me down
now i've got to turn this whole thing around.....
Tthere's not a lot I believe anymore
I mistrust everything I am longing for
There's not a lot that I know anymore
but I know if a good bridge is burning....
Sometimes I think your crazy and sick
and other times I think your so fine
but I know I'm in danger
cuz you feel like a stranger
and I know that somethings going to give.....
There maybe a lot I dont know about you
but I know that if I dont swim
I'm already drowning...."

I try to figure out my problems and I don't know if it's working. I'm trying to use what I've learned in psychology and what I've learned about the power of the mind. If i believe I'm ok, then I must be, right? If I just tell myself everything is ok, then everything will be ok. I'm just about willing to try anything right now. I've been sitting around staring at a candle. It's the health candle. It's directions are that I need recite words, to evoke the power of the mind to help heal me.....It all seems so silly, but I need to fix myself. And because I'm the stubborn person that I am, I can't talk to someone, and since I can't talk to anyone directly, this is my indirect way of venting, and if my friends are really that interested in knowing what the fuck my problem is, now they have a way of understanding. Im losing it, everyday i'm losing it more and more. I think i can get better though, I think i can heal myself. I am strong. I think about killing myself sometimes, but it's just so pointless, I know that i have a future if I just allow myself to get on with it and pull through this stupid slump i'm in. Things will get better I know it. I think its really stupid to be depressed at the age of 17, you have so much to look forward to, why be depressed now, just have fun, right?? I try and tell myself that, then I look at those who are grown up, with kids, and have been married. I also see that they are either divorced, their kids hate them, or they are so unhappy in their marriage but they just can't leave it. No one seems happy in this stupid society we have created for ourselves. I just hope to god that when I do find a guy for me, he will be what i've been looking for along. I want a guy who wont cheat, who wont lie, who will fucking respect me, I want a guy who will hug me all day and only want to do that. God, I'm lonely.

What the Fuck???
This weekend has been a little bit too extreme for my tastes. People hitting their girlfriends then threatening me isn't exactly what I call a good time. Then ex-boyfriends telling you things that really just makes no sence as to why they are saying it, since they have a new girlfriend that they've had for awhile that they love or whatever. Then your boss, whom you want, who is also married, makes these hints that your not sure how to take them......God dammit! I want my boss so bad, but he's married. I thought that was a catch, but for some reason he is making it seem like me wanting him is ok, and that if I want to kiss him I should just ask! What the fuck does that mean?!?! Is he willing to cheat on his wife to indulge in a fantasy with two 17 year old girls....I don't think he actually would...but what the fuck did he mean???? God I'm going crazy. He knows we both want him, he knows we did the shotgun hit, cuz it was basically like kissing him.....I've fallen so head over fucking heals for this guy that I thought I couldn't have, then he says, "Well you could have just asked." He is going to hang out with just the two of us again. We are all going to be drinking too....I don't know what will happen, too many possibilities...God I hope I don't turn into a homewrecker.

Not so moody
Today...I feel like shit, my body is so warn out from my silly obsession with abusing my body, this time by smoking way too fucking much. I'm not in such a downer mood today though. I think I was still high when I woke up this morning and went to school. My brain just wouldn't work, so i did my make-up. I figure that if I feel like shit there's no sence in letting everyone else know by looking like shit too. I think i'm in the mood to spend what little money I have right now. I feel like going christmas shopping for some interesting things I might find in some shops downtown. I want to go to Victoria Secret as well, I don't really have the money to get anything, but I might be able to find some new little bra in there. I really need some new clothes. A girl needs to have a new really cool ass bra ever now and again. Maybe some undies too...hmmm, I really do hate shopping, I dont know why I feel I must right now...I think it's because I just saw my paycheck, and it makes me feel better that I'm going to have money again. Though I wont get it until tomorrow, because I have direct deposit, which will only go through on Friday. Well...I think I'm going to contact good ol' Tasha and see if she will go shopping with me. Maybe I'll bring that camera she let me borrow and take some nice photos for my photo class...Hmmm, maybe today will have some use come out it. Im glad, I only have to complete 2 hours and 15 minutes of community service.

Spit In Your Face
I'm always going crazy, its something constant...I try and tell myself that I'll only get better if I believe I can get better, but then I just think about all of the things that make everything so stupid and pointless. I read a book...The Bell Jar, it was an intensly good book, only because I went insane along with her. I can't find anything to make me happy....I don't know where my mind has gone. Maybe if my lifestyle returns to something without drugs I can focus on what it is that is disturbing me. Men....men disturb me, I find that I must always be close to them, sexual or not. I wish I didn't have this stupid fixation on men. I analyze myself constantly, I figure the main reasoning behind this need to be near men is the fact that I don't get enough of my dad. I don't see him as often as a daughter should. I feel so horrible, I want my boss so bad, but he's married and that is so wrong. He is also 8 years older than me....I probably want him because I can't have him. I don't even think it is that. He is the perfect guy, he just is....God I hate myself for wanting him.