Life if looking good
I've got myself a boyfriend.....I'm almost done with school. Senior Ball is this saturday, and since i've got a boyfriend I actually have a date to it. I'm almost done with my AP art portfolio. I've got all of my things scheduled for government to finish that off. And well computer studies....not much to say about that class. I will graduate soon. Stress was rediculous, but slowly its being relieved. I found a dress yesturday. I know, I am very last minute. It's nice, simple, black, and pretty little silver purse to go with it. Finally High School will be over, but i've noticed people still seem to act like they are in high school out of it....It's sad how people just can't grow up.

My Birthday
Well, I'm 18 today....I can now legally get screwed tattooed, peirced, and I can smoke. It's great...

Things are beginning to look up....
Well....I said all I needed to do was find a guy, and well I did. We arn't anything yet, but I'm really excited about this one, and really scared. I don't think he really wants a relationship right now, but I dont know. I dont really want a relationtship right now, I was just lonley. A couple friends, him, and I rented a hotel room, partied and had some fun. Well he and I ended up sleeping on the pull out sofa-bed, with no bedsheets and we were basically freezing. So of course the only natural way to keep to people warm was to cuddle all night.....well, lets just say that I've been hanging out with him everyday since. A couple days before, we had rented a different hotel room and partied and played a little game of naughty dice. That was the first time I realized I had a crush on this guy. So far its not really going anywhere. He is a really good guy, and Im pretty sure of it this time. Well, whether something happens from this or not, I'm excited at the moment. So lets just wait and see.....

Sanity is always a plus
I've been feeling sane lately, its surprizing how nice it feels. I'm relaxed, never worried, and I don't cry, imagine that. The stress of school is dieing down. Graduation is coming and I really need to worry about it my art assignments, and I only have to finish 4 more. I don't have any immediate deadlines with it either. My birthday is coming up soon, and I should be a blast, with bands playing, tons of food, and a lot of good people. I'm all set up for college and Im just cruizin' now. It feels great. I will never have to attend high school again. Though the thought of working just about everyday of my life is always a downer. Now that everything is goin' good, all I need to do is find a guy....screw that, he'll only destroy up my sanity with complications.

Pulling Teeth
Well....I know I havn't written in this in a while, but with the fact the my computer breaks down every five minutes is making it a bit difficult. I've been having problems lately, but I'm ok I think. I'm over my boss....finally. I'm going to go see my dad and sister soon. And well, I got my wisdom teeth pulled yesturday at about 4pm. My mouth hurts like crazy, cuz of course with my luck my teeth were in the positions that hurt the most. I'm on vicodin, and i've got an ice pack by my side. I get to eat apple sauce and pudding when I can. Maybe now that I have nothing to do, can't work, go to school, or hang out with anyone is the perfect time to get working on some of those art assignments of been avoiding. I feel bad, my best friend moved away and I hardly call her or talk to her... I think its sort of a defense mechanism. I miss her like crazy, but when I'm reminded she's not around it makes me sad. I know its making her feel like I don't care, but I do. On another note, I hate it when you've been so fucking deceived by a person, you honestly with everything inside of you believed this person was someone really good inside and really an honest person. When you find out it was all a lie, it sorta hurts....

Jesus Christ last night was insane!
Man on man.....I was pretty damn wasted last night. Toni, my boss, Tasha, and I went to Jen's house and fucking killed ourselves with liquor, well Toni and I did at least. Yes, my boss came and partied with us again. This time he didn't get wasted beyond belief, instead Toni and I just freaked him by getting wasted ourselves and saying really horrible things..haha. I've never actually admitted that I want him to his face, Toni always tells him, well last night, being the dumb fuck that I am, got all weird and soppy and told him how I felt. Well....Yeah, I think he just got sorta weirded out, and I asked about the whole kissing thing, and he said he was joking.....so, my boss is infact a good guy who wont cheat on his wife. I know I'm stupid for thinking that maybe he wanted me in some sick little way, but a girl can hope, right? We were dancing and I fucking took my shirt off....Gotta go.

I'm Confused
I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm depressed because I feel I don't have anyone there for me, but I push those away from me because I'm depressed....The only girl that I every really call or want to talk to is Tasha, but whenever I'm feeling down I have to talk to a guy....I only call guys when I have nothing to do. It's not that I want them, I dont know what it is. I have this obsession with guys, but yet I hate them so much. I don't think it's possible for me to find a boyfriend again. When a guy checks me out or talks to me, I immediatly tell myself that he only wants to fuck me and he's probably a peice of shit guy anyways. Most of the time i'm sure that's true. Why can't I just find a good guy, my night and shinning armor. I guy that will open doors for me, or get up for me when there is only one seat, or buy me food when I have no money. I'm not saying that I expect this, it's actually the oposite, I don't expect it all, and when any guy offers any of these I tell them not to. I want a guy to kick another guys ass for me, I want a guy to go out of his way to chase me down because he wants me, not my cunt. I don't believe I could ever find that guy, and that makes me really really unhappy. I think that because I have convinced myself of this, that's probably why I can't find the reason to keep kicking and pulling through because maybe just maybe I'll find that guy. That's like one out of 1,000,000 for me. I believe I'm a good person and that I deserve a good guy, but for some reason I don't think the good guys perseve me as someone they think is good enough for them. So I drink, I smoke, I'm depressed, I dont know....nothing works for me anymore. I'm never in the right place everything is always going wrong, I don't fit in anywhere. I'll do nothing and people hate me. What's the point?

Reaction Formation
At school and at work I'm usually unnaturally happy. I wonder if that is just me using the self defense mechanism, reaction formation, to make sure no one really knows how I feel inside. I don't like talking about my problems, maybe it's because I don't want people to worry about me, or make them feel uncomfortable. I know that if everyone perseves you as happy, then it is a happier mood all around, but once someone feels down or unhappy, everyone else sort of follows that mood. I learn that from my friends....

Dreams start off a bad day.
This morning I woke up from a dream. It would have been a really great dream, if only it weren't about my boss, who's married. I don't know why but dreaming about him like that really just made me so unhappy, because I want to not think of him like that, it makes me feel sick. His wife was in my dream too, which is probably the topping on the cake. I don't know why I'm obsessing over him so much. I think it's just that I realize what a good guy he truley is, and I don't meet good guys, so I am immediately drawn to him. I'm sure that because I can't have him, it also causes for me to be curious or at least wonder how he is to his wife...god that sounds so horrible. I just need to drop it, why am I even talking about it here, this is pathetic and stupid. I don't know what to do, I think if I start to tell people I don't like him like that anymore, then maybe I won't, because I have also noticed that when I tell people i'm into someone, that attraction grows....GOD DAMMIT!!! Well, aside from my stupid attractions, I hung out with Max for the majority of the day, we watched Catch Me if You Can, it's a very interesting movie, I know that we had started to watch it over at our friend Isaak's house, but I believe I passed out before it was over. I enjoy Max, he's a good guy.

DEADWEIGHT
I'm clear in heart and clear in mind
Clear to see what you've done to me
You tore me to peices and smiled.
My clouded vision wont save you this time.

Keep your head up your ass
It's probably a better view
You've had every chance in hell to be happy
You fuck it up every time
Don't bitch, learn from your mistakes
Stop digging your own grave.

I dare you to look me in the eyes
I'm numb to feelings of sadness
I'm numb to feelings of joy
I'm numb to you and how you used me like a toy

I hope you feel like shit
You make me sick
Your just a deadweight in my mind.