Picture a scene: A placid, unchanging layer of blue ice that is not cold. In fact, it is rather warm and inviting, a comforting place to many people. There are no disturbances, no terror here. The theme of this scene is 'Calm and Peace'. Yet this is only a mask, and the ice is thin. Below it lays a vast, seething, boiling, rolling sea of hot red water that is frightening to behold. Once in a long while, but all too often, the ice melts giving in to the full fury and hatred that is this unforgiving elemental force. This is not some alien planet far from Earth. This scene is why I cannot forgive anyone, why I cannot forgive myself. This scene is my mind.

As much as I would like to deny it, as much as it would feel good to be made purely out of that calm and comforting ice, at my pith and core lie a fury rivaling that of a sun. Injustice is seen everywhere and I fight injustice, therefore I am on the side of Justice, and therefore my indignation at the unjust universe is righteous and holy. Unfortunately, injustice often turns out to be otherwise, my fight is often stopped and I am left frustrated. This feeds back into the original feelings of righteous indignation, and I attack the next problem twice as hard. When I'm stopped once again, the anger feeds back into the source, twice as much as before.

To tell the truth, I consider myself a steam boiler under too much pressure. Eventually my mind is going to blow a gasket - or worse. The time to let off steam is coming close, faster than ever, yet there is no fight going on. There is no conflict right now, yet the pressure continues to build. I can blow at any time, at anyone who is there at the wrong time. It is for that I cannot forgive myself: Being in a state where I can potentially harm others or myself, and having no control over it.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” The fury is too strong, and I am too weak to forgive. The ice is not strong enough to let some through. Webster’s dictionary defines Forgiveness as: “The act of forgiving; the state of being forgiven; as, the forgiveness of sin or of injuries.” My girlfriend said forgiving is not forgetting, but wanting to move on. If you never forgive, then nothing ever progresses and you are stuck in a hole of stubbornness. This last described the balance of the ice covering layer and the molten fire core of my mind.

Thankfully, the ice has only broken on three occasions that I can remember, all of them in my freshman year of high school, four years ago. Thankfully, only three people have felt the fury that is the real me and masked by the warm ice. One of them was a guy named Lucas Thompson.

Lucas was in the wrong place at the wrong time. That was the only reason I ever went after him like I did, and I still have not forgiven myself for it. I was being used, against my will, as the ball in a human Ping-Pong game. I was getting pretty mad, and the ice broke. I turned to the nearest target at the time, Lucas. Two punches later, he was on the ground, crying. For the next four years, I avoided him as much as possible. I felt what I did was unforgivable, both to him and to myself.

I will never be quite able to forgive myself. I have done things to my friends that hurt them badly at the time.

One such example is a friend I know in real life that I will call Icefox. Icefox and I go back to our first few days in high school. We were good, close buddies, and we shared a few personality traits. It was around this time that I developed my sense of 'kiith', of family you protect, of people that you would dedicate a good portion of your life to in order to make certain they are happy and safe. Icefox was the first of these, and what I cannot forgive myself for is that in his hour of need I was selfish...and left him hanging. I abandoned him. I left him in a place that was hurting him, and I didn't come back for a year. I was mad at him, and the red-hot liquid core inside me demanded revenge for something I no longer remember. Icefox has almost forgiven me for that, especially now that he has learned of all my motives for the situation, but my actions were inexcusable. I cannot forgive myself for that.

Those are just two examples from 18 years of actions that I cannot forgive myself for. 18 years of memories that I have trouble remembering except for those instances. 18 years of never being able to trust myself, 18 years of not being able to believe in myself, 18 years of not being able to forgive myself.

I can atone for my sins. I can atone for what I have done in the past. Icefox and I are good friends again. I shook Lucas' hand at graduation. I did not hit my best friend when he jokingly blamed me for failing to inform him we could bring food into the student lounge, a fact that I had told everyone the week before.

Instead, I try to help others. So long as that calm and peaceful ice holds back the raging hot emotions of fury, others find me someone they can trust; someone they can believe will try his damnedest to help them. So long as that ice holds back the horrendous evil rage within me, so long as my mask stays in place, they feel safe and comforted.

The rolling boiling bubbling rage is settling down and cooling. The ice shell is thickening. For now, I have control, and I can look to the future when maybe, maybe:

I can forgive myself.