Inside Jokes Quotes 2002-03
"Barry Bonds knows how to hit a ball out of the park, and he still practices!"
"I think he just takes steroids."
"We're gonna need math drugs ..."
~Mrs. Spatz, Matt, Alex, on doing math homework
"What happens in a person behind you, after you raised your hand--"
"Just calls out?"
~Mrs. Wolf and Erica
"Did I say: 'Please, come stalk me, I'm bored'?!"
~Jenni, on Mark
"What's the politically correct term these days for short people?"
"Evan."
~Mr. Ahearn and Harrison
::announcing to class:: "One and one is ... two!"
~Mr. Fegely
"Where's this thousand coming from?"
"The pen?"
~Mr. Fegely and Heather
"What do you young people hate about fractions?"
"It explodes brain cells."
~Mr. Fegely and Heather
"They're not as dumb as you think. I know, but they look the part! ... Just trust me."
"He's got a little man on his shoulder!"
~Mr. Fegely and Lacey
"You have dead people in your purse?"
~Heather, to Genna
"It pops! Just like a tampon."
~Michael
"Michael needs yoga."
"Michael needs a tranquilizer!"
~Melody and Heather
"What normal person sits in their room and counts the bars on their digital clock?"
"Mr. Fegely, apparently."
"Who said he's normal?"
~Lacey and Heather
"If I ever get nailed to the cross ... my arms are popping right off!"
~Alexis
"Can you imagine the shame of having to explain that you got stitches because you were cut by a container of yogurt???"
~Taylor
"If fiber is indigestible--"
"--where does it go?"
~Mrs. Wolf and Matt
"Yeah, my dad pretty much just lies around."
~Megan, on her dead father
"Woman have the same eggs all through their lives."
"Suckers."
~Mrs. Wolf and Matt Heizman
"I am an infant mortality."
"That scares me. How are you still ...?"
"Lots of acupuncture."
~Jenni and Megan
"What would affect infant mortality?"
"A baby dying."
~Mrs. Wolf and Alex
"Lyz, you are a monkey."
"Eek."
~Melody and Lyz
"Yeah Michael, you'd better give Lyz her notebook back, or else."
"Or else what?"
"Or else we'll take Heather's Midol away and send her after you!"
~Melody and Michael
"Life goes by, and who the heck knows why ..."
~Molly, randomly singing
"How did the Revolutionary War hero Molly Pitcher get her name?"
"Her parents?"
~Mrs. Nigrini and Tyler
"Why are you insisting on driving that into your forehead?"
"So I can carve out my skull ..."
~Melody and Jenni
"You know what's the worst thing in the world?"
"Josh."
~Michael and Heather
"What's the biggest social problem in this country?"
"Exercise."
~Mr. Gingrich and Bryant
"... You're going to die."
~Mrs. Wolf
"These taste like fingers."
"That's why they call them chicken fing--fries!"
~Michael and Heather
"I have a little red book with Chinese symbols all over it."
"Yeah, but do you know what they say?"
"No ..."
"They probably say something like 'I'm a trumpet player in a Chinese whorehouse.' "
~Emily and Heather
"I wanna get fat though."
"Why?"
"So I can do the LA Weight Loss thing!"
"Why?"
"Cause they give you Cheesy Doodles!"
~Molly and Jenni
"Ha! Alex, I'm beating you!"
"No ..." ::rolls up piece of paper:: "As soon as [Ms. Rinaldi] looks away, I'm beating you."
~Alexis and Alex
"Lock the bathroom that the girl smokes in! And then give us the key when we need to go!"
"Yes, give us the key to the girls bathroom ..."
~Nate and Reuben
"Aladdin doesn't have a family!"
"He has a monkey."
~Michael and Austin
"I feel like a necrophiliac ..."
~Mr. Horst
"Be professional, be polite, but plan to kill everyone you meet."
~Guy on radio, on Iraqis
"The frog's fine, I don't think you need to kiss it anymore."
"But maybe it'll turn into a beautiful Prince."
"-Ess."
"Right."
~Mr. Scholl and Harrison
"Harrison, that dress is lovely on you."
"Oh, my!" ::girly fake giggle:: "Thanks!"
"Fun swirling it around, isn't it?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
~Alexis, Harrison, Heather
"Sorry, Harrison, pink just isn't your color."
"Darnit." ::shrugs:: "Oh well."
~Heather and Harrison
"A one-handed skateboarder ... It'd be more impressive if he only had one foot."
"Or no feet!"
"No arms, no legs, no feet ..."
"I'd pay money to see that!"
~Alexis, Sean, Harrison, Heather
"Why is it dark in the woods? Because that's where Satan is."
~Ms. Barett
"I don't want your garbage, I don't want your food, I don't want your sluts!"
"But there's a premium today!"
~Michael and Jenni
"What do we call a diamond with not all equal sides?"
"An ugly diamond."
~Mr. Fegely and Genna
"What are we looking at?"
"The leaf floating in mid air."
"Oh, yeah, it always does that. Just cause it's discovered anti-gravity, it's trying to show off. Stupid leaf."
~Dad and Heather
"What is the point of cheerleading?"
"Free prostitution."
~Steph and Heather
"As if I don't have enough to do, I have to sit here and give you guys this test! No offense. And Ettele probably took all the Fritos home with her!"
~Mr. Minter
"I remember what things go on in a young person's life."
"Even though it was solong ago ..."
~Mr. Fegely, Heather
"Back in my day, we had to walk to school in blisteringly cold snow, barefoot, uphill both ways!"
"And were you scared when the T-Rexes chased you?"
~Mr. Fegely and Heather
"Jesus can play drums, bass, AND electric guitar."
~Jordan
"Looks like you aren't gonna have time to go to college. You've gotta go to Utah and round up some Mormons!"
~Erin
"Your brother is half the man I'll ever be!"
~Heather
"It's like an infomercial without info."
~Jeff
"My butt hurts from last night."
~Madison
"It's easy to become unfocused. It's easy to become the five-year-old breastfeeder."
~Mr. Gingrich
"I'd beat you up if your suspenders are nicer than mine."
~Chris
"What are the three branches of government, Heather Oister?"
"Um ... ah ... is this a trick question?"
~Mr. Gingrich, Heather O.
"Read. My. Lips. No more taxes."
"He doesn't HAVE any lips."
~President George Bush Sr., Heather
"See? There's an "S" on the moon."
"Uh ... Casey? That's the Earth."
~Casey, Madison
"Now, I always thougth this was a myth, but when I worked at KFC, I realized, black people REALLY like fried chicken."
~Harrison
"I'm addicted to food!! I HAVE to break this addiction!!!"
~Jenni
"Do you have opposable thumbs?"
~Announcements
"The number one problem with this school is--"
"The faculty."
~Mr. Gingrich and Matt Silcox
"How may I direct your call?"
"I can fly!" ::pause:: "Can you fly?"
"Only when I'm in an airplane."
"That's pretty cool."
"I thought so."
"But you've never flown by yourself?"
"Not successfully."
"Oh." ::considers:: "Do you like rainbows?"
"Yeah, rainbows are pretty cool."
"How about sparkles?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Yeah, I like them."
"Yep."
"I can fly!"
"That's great."
"Yeah, I'm really excited."
"Okay, did you want to talk to anyone in particular?"
"Huh?"
"Did you want to talk to anyone in particular?"
"No."
"Okay, it was great talking to you!"
"Yeah, you too."
"Okay, bye!"
"Bye!"
~David and random girl on phone
"That's my philosophy: Why read when you have a perfectly good TV right in front of you."
"Why go to school when--"
"Oh, be quiet."
~Mr. Gingrich and Danny Bright
"So you would give your kidney?"
"I wouldn't give it, I would sell it!"
~Mr. Wolf and Nicole (different one)
"It's like Romeo and Juliet."
"Except Juliet's holding a bomb ..."
"That's my kind of Romeo and Juliet."
~Mr. Ahearn, Jenni, Sean
::Michael comes back from bathroom:: "My leg's all wet ..."
~Michael
"Tyler could dreadlock his leg hair ..."
~Matt
"I would never belong to an organization that had me for a member."
~Dad (Woody Allen)
"What's wrong with tree-huggers? I would hug trees, except bugs live on them."
~Jenni
"Dad! I need a shrink!
Can you sue the government and make me feel better?
Peas?"
~Jenni
"It's got to be Taylor. Only Taylor would choose a bald eagle magnet as a murder weapon."
~Evelyn
"Contrary to popular belief, the sun IS round."
~Jenni
"It's not like I beat up my computer or anything."
"Suuuuuuuure, Laura."
"I swear, it fell out of a tree!"
~Laura and Jenni
"Let's go to the Perkiomen cemetary."
"No, it has to be Charles Evans."
"Yeah, they have much more interesting dead people there."
"They have richer dead people."
"No, they have older dead people."
~Heather, Dad, Jenni, Mom
::phone rings, Heather picks it up:: "Listen! We're on our way to the graveyard! So go away!" ::hangs up::
~Heather
"I'd be a better morning person if the morning started later."
~Kerri
"Now, to find the blood vesel, push here, and you'll feel a tingle in your fingers."
"... I don't have one!"
~Mrs. Wolf and Matt Heizman
"I think ten dollar bills should be sectioned off so you can rip a piece off and pay a dollar for something ..."
~Tyler
"So the arteries harden. And what does that lead to?"
"Breast cancer."
~Mrs. Wolf and Nick Hauck
"Yeah, if you eat people, you'll probably get some cholesterol in there ..."
~Mrs. Wolf
BANG!
"What the heck ..."
"What was that?"
"It was me. One of my batteries blew up ..."
~Calculator, Tyler, Meredith
"What could cause a reduced supply of blood to the brain?"
"Getting shot in the head ..."
~Jenni and Brianne
"I was coming home, and there was a coroner's van in front of my house. Thank God it wasn't me, cause I wasn't home yet."
~Mr. Gingrich
"Get out! Put an egg in your shoe, and beat it!"
~Mr. Gingrich
"Michael's wearing his boner pants!"
~Josh
"Most of I comes from Britain."
~Heather
"At first Mr. Becker is scary, but then he's just hilarious."
~Joseph Gingrich (Mr. Gingrich's son)
"What is with the candy fest back here."
"We're addicted to it, it's like heroin."
~Mrs. Wolf and Nick Hauck
"Genetics! It's like flipping a coin."
~Ethan, in a very salesman tone
"Yes, I was raised by a pack of chickens."
"You know, there are more chickens in the world than humans."
"Good, 'cause I'm hungry."
~Mr. Scholl, Tommy
"You son of a--"
"Gun."
"Who's got a gun?!"
~Danny Bright, Mr. Gingrich, Bryant Shunk
"Jen, it's not flirting if it's you."
~Emily
"Michael's giving me boob-shaking lessons ..."
~Jenni
"This class has taken the choice of education."
"I didn't know we had a choice!"
~Mr. Gingrich and Eddie
"You don't need a brain to run your fat."
~Dad
"If math is supposedly the universal language, why do all the math books have different formulas?"
~Sean
"Hessy? Can you help me?"
"I'm not into Barbie."
"I need help!"
"I know you do."
~Molly, Heather
"Okay, look at the mauve line ... (math mumbo jumbo)."
"Umm ... I don't see the line."
"The mauve line."
"Umm, don't see it."
"Tyler, the middle mauve line!"
"Tyler, the light grey line."
"Ohhh."
~Mrs. Spatz, color-blind Tyler, and Class
"Do you drive?"
"No."
"I do."
"I know, that's why I don't."
~Harrison and Sean
"Jenni! Oh wait, that's not Jenni. It just has her hat on it ..."
"You thought a big pink crate was Jenni?"
~Molly and Heather
"I drank my iced tea too fast, and now my shoulder hurts."
~Tyler
"I pity Patty ..."
~Jenni
"Let's go to Redners and get some of the good cookies that Giant makes!"
~Heather
"Why did you paint a golf course on your book?"
"I dunno, I like to play football ..."
~Mr. Minter and Nick Hauck
"You won't find people dipping their ears in cocaine ..."
~Dad
"It's the Tiger Mart! And we ain't lion."
~Heather
"Free Air. Help yourself."
~Sign near gas station
"Are they actually RPing in there?"
"Huh, yeah. Well, theoretically speaking."
~Jenni and Heather, on ARP members
"Can we make ours look like this?"
"You make an hour and a half seem like four days ..."
~Mrs. Spatz and Harrison
"How do you convince a guy not to give you a dill pickle for Christmas?"
~Melody
"Oh, so hell's a democracy now?"
~Jenni
"I'll get you a gift certificate to 'Evil R Us.' "
"No, no, no, it's 'Evil R We!' "
~Heather and Michael
"Your glasses have paint on them--oh my God, it's your eyes!"
~Jenni to Heather
"It's an orgy."
"I'm with Michael."
~Michael and Jenni
"I just deflected it."
"You didn't deflect it, it went flying through the air!"
~Michael and Steph, on a bottle hitting Melody
"Molly ... you need to learn to play nice."
"I can!"
"You can ... but you don't."
"But ... but I don't even know what playing nice is!"
~Jenni and Molly, on ARP
"How's your grandmother doing?"
"Dead."
~Mom and Miss C
"I didn't give them hell, I only told them the truth and they thought it was hell."
~President Harry S Truman
"Alex and ... I wanna say Matt ... I don't know why ... because that's your name, right? Wow, that was weird."
~Mr. Scholl to Matt Daniels
"If you want to be a doctor, go to medical school."
"If you want to be a priest ... go to hell."
~Girl on TV and Dad
"Speaking of children, what lunch do we have?"
~Alex
"... and you'd be dead and mummifed in the water. Same context here in Boolean Algebra."
~Mr. Scholl
"I just ... don't think we're alone."
"Technically, we can't be alone."
~Guy on TV and Dad
"Sorry, I'm just trying to sort this out."
"Oh, he's doing his laundry."
~Same guy and Dad
"I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, so is Milron, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling very well myself."
~Mark Twain
"There was the [word] dork again!"
"Hey, we are talking about whales ..."
~Matt and Tyler
"Gentlemen, and the stunning woman in the corner."
"Uh, that's Alex."
"Okay."
~Ms. Rinaldi, Harrison, Alex
"Hey, where's what's-his-name? There was someone sitting there yesterday."
"Uh, that was Alexis."
"I am NOT a guy!"
~Ms. Rinaldi, Alex, Alexis
"Microsoft Works."
~Matt, as class names oxymorons
"Being able to perservere through torture ... I mean, uh, mathematical ... pleasure of geniuses ... yeah."
~Mr. Scholl
::after talking about presidents signing bills::
"Can I get a drink? I have the hiccups."
"Yeah, but you gotta sign a bill. A book! Your book."
~Alexis and Mr. Choyka
"Okay, so you're flying over the Mississippi, what thing that is unusual for our latitude will you eventually find?"
"Iowa."
~Mr. Choyka and Heather
"You hopeless *****, you ruined my life. AHEM! I mean ... could you please pass the butter?"
~Random guy in joke
"Doesn't Josh have a girlfriend?"
"Nah, she moved to another attic."
~Jenni and Heather
"Is there any reason this is plugged into your purse?"
~Jenni
"Before DeMorgan's Law is applied, this is not not not not not A."
~Mrs. Spatz
"I have some ones [dollar bills] ... no, that was my other pair."
"You keep money in your pants?"
"Yeah, people just put it there, I dunno."
~Steph and Heather
::while Mike sets up game:: "Does the winner get to take the trash home?"
~Alex
"Is that what you want to be [when you grow up]?"
"A coral reef?"
~Jenni and Sean
"It's like Thanksgiving, only you get to walk on the turkey."
~Harrison on Hong Kongese holiday Buns Mill Day
"You should wait to take a shower in case you get pancakes on yourself..." ::pause:: "I get pancakes on myself ..."
~Molly
"Yeah, cause the bunnies eat the bushes then the bunnies go up and the bushes go down and the bunnies go down and the bushes go up--"
"What?!"
~Harrison and Alexis
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