Duel of the Fics

by Kathryn Burns and Molly Wells

Opening scene: Duel of the Fates is playing loudly. Enter Kathryn and Molly, each holding lightsaber pens (bought from Office Max).

Kathryn, with the blue Obi-Wan saber, and Molly (fighting unfairly with the red Darth Maul Lightsaber K.B.) are intensely dueling with

each other.

KATHRYN: "Stop making those annoying lightsaber noises, Molly. You sound like Ewan McGregor! And you know how Lucas liked that

don't you?"

MOLLY: "Oh, shut up! Where's Lucas anyway? looks around mockingly, while still holding her own in the pen duel Do you see him

anywhere? I don't think so!"

Molly seems to gain the upper hand for a moment, drawing on her anger towards the well-known author of Q Menace for writing romantic

scenes in her fic. Kathryn blocks Molly's slashes aimed at her head, and DUCKS just in time to avoid a "fatal" blow.

KATHRYN: "Now remind me. Why are we fighting with pen lightsabers again?"

MOLLY: "You destroyed all my hopes, my aspirations for the future! You ruined Obi-Wan!!!!! Sullied his good name!"

KATHRYN: "What is your deal?!? I thought we were good friends ?"

MOLLY: "Don't know everything do we? You ruined TPM for me, you're writing a fanfic where MY Obi falls in love!

How..how..ROMANTIC!! I hate it!"

KATHRYN: with big grin on her face "Actually, I'm planning a whole series of Kathryn Jinn stories..sorry to interrupt you there!"

Kathryn Jinn, who looks suspiciously like Kathryn Burns (now there's a wonder! M.W.) jumps into the fray from Q Menace.

KATHRYN JINN: "What, you're planning to put me through MORE!!! As if I haven't been put through the ringer enough already! Gods, I

can't believe you!"

MOLLY: "Oh, who asked you? Miss-smoochy-oh-how-I-love-Obi-Wan-sooooo-much!" Makes me wanna puke!"

By now, the lightsaber fight has stopped. Kathryn Jinn stalks off in total disgust at how she's being treated by her own creator.

MOLLY (continuing her earlier tirade): "You know what really bugs me about Q Menace? The whole Obi-Wan in love with someone angle

you've got going on! I mean, you don't even like him. You're too obsessed with Qui-Gon (oops, did I just say that? M.W.).

KATHRYN: singing slightly off-key "Well, it's my story, and I'll smooch if I want to, smooch if I want to...You would smooch too if it was

your fic, too!"

MOLLY: in total disgust "Ick!!!! I would NOT have that in MY fic ("Endless Night, Dawning Day"-shameless plug here) and I DON'T!"

Obi-Wan Kenobi stumbles into the scene, seeming to be searching for something. He doesn't notice the two Chicks standing nearby, who

suddenly stopped their heated discussion.

KATHRYN: sighs "He's sooooooo much more handsome in person!" She falls to her knees, overwhelmed by the handsome Jedi's presence.

MOLLY: rolls her eyes and makes a disgusted noise, although she is secretly hyperventilating at the sight of the hunkiest man alive-in

her opinion "Oh please! Spare me your romantic platitudes!" (her voice sounds eerily like the omnipotent being found in Kathryn's fic)

Obi-Wan, having noticed the two girls, walks over in their direction. He helps Kathryn to her feet, eliciting another sigh. He looks puzzled.

OBI-WAN: "Excuse me ladies, but I seem to be missing my boots. I was wondering if you've seen a spare pair lying around? My feet really

hurt," he says rather apologetically. "Masta Qui-Gon says.."(Kathryn swoons and faints at hearing the phrase she's keeper of spoken out loud)

"What's wrong?!?"

MOLLY: "Don't ask me, I thought she was ga ga over Qui-Gon"

Molly reaches out of the story and into Sharon's "Duel of the Boots," doubtless startling a few crazed Chicks. She grabs Obi-Wan's boots

(currently attached to their owner, Sharon) and pulls her into Molly and Kathryn's story. She uses her double-bladed pen to hack through the

handcuffs holding the boots to Sharon, and before Sharon can utter a "What the Duck?!?" Molly thrusts her back into her story (minus boots).

Molly uses the boots first to whack Kathryn a few times, waking her up in the process.

MOLLY: mumbling to herself "At last I will have my revenge, at last...oops wrong side!" Out loud she says, "Ha, take that! This is for all

the romantic scenes I had to endure while reading Q Menace for you! Ha!!!!!"

Molly, a crazed look in her eye from the power trip she's on, clutches the boots to her. She watches Kathryn rise from the floor, once more

with Obi-Wan's help.

KATHRYN: shakes her head, as if to clear it. To Obi-Wan, she says, " I'll get those boots back for you, just let me borrow your lightsaber

for a moment. I seem to have misplaced my blue Obi-Wan lightsaber pen."

MOLLY: "And just which lightsaber might THAT be, Kathryn?"

KATHRYN: "What do you mean? I don't get...Oh my! You don't mean THAT, do you?"

Molly just raises her eyebrow suggestively at her question.

KATHRYN: "Now see here, I may have romance in Q Menace, but really Molly, didn't you read the author's note at the end of Part 19? I

don't have any gratuitous sex or cursing in my story. It's clean-cut, wholesome, pure, innocent, uncorrupted, family oriented, strictly PG stuff!"

Obi-Wan is wearing a VERY confused look on his face at this point (but let's face it, wouldn't you be feeling a bit confused too if you were in

his shoes, errrr, boots?)

MOLLY: "Well, then what about that scene at the end of your story where Kathryn and Obi-Wan are in Kathryn's quarters alone and...oops,

I guess I shouldn't give that away, huh?" she says in a mocking tone of voice.

Kathryn slams Molly into the nearest wall.

KATHRYN: "You female offspring of a dog, piece of scum you!"

Kathryn stops a moment, still tightly clutching Molly's throat and seems to realize something.

KATHRYN: "See, even my cursing is pure and uncorrupted," she proclaims proudly.

Obi-Wan steps in between the two dueling authors and tries to negotiate a peace settlement between them.

OBI-WAN: "Ladies, please.."

MOLLY & KATHRYN: "SHUT UP!" they say in unison.

SHARON: Yelling from "Duel of the Boots" "Hey, I want my (bleeping) boots back! I own those boots and you (bleeps) have no right to

just take them to use them in this (bleeping) story! Molly throws the boots back into the story where she got them.

MOLLY: mumbles "Fat lot of good THEY did me!"

Obi-Wan dives for the boots in a vain attempt to reclaim them before they re-enter Sharon's realm once more. He fails, and instead falls hard

in his stomach. Darth Diebin rushes in from somewhere and falls to her knees in front of Kathryn.

DARTH DIEBIN: in a reverential tone "Oh great author of "The Q Menace! May I please, PLEASE touch your Jedi? Let me kiss his naked

feet at least!"

Obi-Wan, by now having recovered from his fall, looked at Diebin in shock.

OBI-WAN: "What kind of pathetic Sith form is this?

DARTH DIEBIN: shocked look on face "I may be a Sith, but at least I've never tortured you, stolen your boots, made you shoot your

Master OR poisoned you! (a voice from off-story cries, "I HEARD that Diebin - and you can just stuff it!") All I have done is love you, and

what do you do to me in return--mock me, and say this hurtful thing?"

Obi-Wan looks "amazed" at Diebin's rant, and tries to defend himself.

OBI-WAN: "Look, I just thought that being a Sith was a guy thing, and.."

Before he can continue, a furious Diebin interrupts.

DARTH DIEBIN: "You did NOT just say that. I can't believe my ears!!!! A GUY thing, you think this is a GUY thing!!!! Look, I can only

take so much. Am I going to have to go all Sharon on you? Is that what it's going to take to get through your male chauvinism? Well, Obi

wants, Obi gets!!"

Darth Diebin rushes off to her computer to write a really long, gory Obi torture fic, which, when finished, will make "Shards of Darkness" look

like a tea party with Mickey Mouse and pals. Just then, Q pops in (as is his fashion).

Q: "Looks like you messed up with the girls again, eh, Braid-boy?"

Q turns to Kathryn, and says, "My dear, I was truly flattered when I heard you were using my omnipotent, all-knowing, wise, perfect,

irresistible, glorious, charming, adorable, Qute self in your fanfic. So to say thanks, I brought you a little token of my appreciation."

A flash of light brings Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master, who looks a little bewildered upon appearing. Kathryn swoons and faints (yet again! M.W.)

when she sees him.

MOLLY: mutters "Oh, brother!"

Jason Wells, younger brother of Molly, suddenly comes running in, all out of breath. He's looking around, and appears flushed.

JASON: "Have you seen Queen Amidala come through here? She may be disguised as Padme. I wanted to audition for the role of Anakin in

the upcoming Episode 2 - you know, the one that might have a love triangle in it. I just loooooooooooove Queen Amidala! I'd do anything to

get near her! She's soooooooooooo fine!"

MOLLY: "Jason, you're only 13, ya know! I think you're just a tad too young."

JASON: "Yeah, well look at Jake Lloyd!"

Jason runs off in pursuit of the Queen, and another person enters the scene. She is Lauren Burns. Kathryn wakes up just about now, and

groggily asks her sister, "Why are YOU in this story? Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework? And where's Qui-Gon?" She looks

around and spots the Jedi Master. He waves at Kathryn, and flashes her a smile.

LAUREN: "Kathryn, have you seen Jason Wells come through here? He's as hot as my guy from N*Stink, Justin Tendercakes! Oh, he's

soooooooooo fine! But alas, he loves the Queen! I must find him. Help me Kathryn Burns, you're the only Hope! Well, besides our sister

Hope anyway!"

Everyone gathered points in the direction Jason went off in, and without even saying "Thank You," Lauren is off.

Q: "Talk about a love triangle!"

Q promptly disappeared in a bright flash of light, but not before taking Kathryn's hand and kissing it. Alas, along with him goes Qui-Gon.

Suddenly, a male voice can be heard singing from somewhere.

"...upside, inside out! She's livin' la vida loca! She'll push and pull..." Molly's head jerks up at the soulful, sexy voice she hears.

MOLLY: "Ricky! It's RICKY!!!!! I just loooooooooove Ricky!!!!! Where is he? Oh, Ricky?! Rickyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Ricky, Ricky,

Ricky, Ricky...."

Molly runs around, calling out "Ricky!," and trying to locate the source of the sound. Everyone else stops what they're doing to stare at the

love-crazed Molly. She comes across Obi-Wan standing next to a tape player, which is blaring out "Livin' la Vida Loca." She stops the tape

and listens, realizing that the tape WAS the source of the voice. Molly looks back at Obi-Wan, practically shooting daggers at him. He starts

grinning nervously and shrugs his shoulders.

OBI-WAN: "I was just wondering what it was...he, he"

Molly grabs Yoda's gimer stick (apologies to Jessica, who's keeper of it. We'll give it back unharmed!!! Promise! Also, no little green guys

were harmed in the making of this story) and begins beating Obi-Wan with it unmercifully. The Dark Side is looking pretty good to Molly at

this point, but she's a good Chick, so she must resist!!

MOLLY: to the authors, in a whiny tone "But I'm having so much fun!!!"

Kathryn turns to the imaginary Chick Council for guidance. The Chick Council consists of three members, results of misunderstandings

between the authors when they were talking about their stories to each other: Master It, Master Windy and Master P.

KATHRYN: "Help me, Masters! Molly is being tempted by the Dark Side. I can't lose my friend, she's got a story to finish! It's gonna be real

good, too. I want more!"

Master It, sitting in his comfy beanbag chair, asks, "Fearful for Molly, hmmmmm? Hmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm..." Master Windy

seems oblivious to the whole thing and is whistling to himself. Master P has his headphones on, blaring some rap crap or another at a rather

high volume. He smiles at the group, flashing his solid gold teeth at them all, nearly blinding them.

KATHRYN: "Masters? Are you listening to me?"

Molly stops beating Obi-Wan, who looks relieved to still be conscious and have no broken bones.

MOLLY: "Kathryn, who are you talking too?"

KATHRYN: "The Chick Council, can't you see them? I'm concerned for you, and so I'm consulting the wise Masters It, Windy, and P!" she

said in earnest.

MOLLY: "Are you serious? I don't see anybody?"

KATHRYN: "Even if I was, you're not beating Obi-Wan anymore, are you?

They all turn around when they hear the sound of a piece of wood breaking. They look shocked---Obi-Wan has broken Yoda's gimmer stick

that belongs to Jessica.

Kathryn turns to the imaginary Chick Council and whispers, "Thanks for your help, I've gotta go now! Bye!!" Jessica comes in and begins to

beat up Obi-Wan with her bare hands.

JESSICA: "You little so-and-so, I thought you were a good guy!"

Molly and Kathryn join into the fray, beating up Obi-Wan with a frenzied look in their eyes. From somewhere in the mass of people shouts a

voice.

OBI-WAN: "Please, please, stop!! I'll fix the stick, I'll fix the stick! Good as new, really!!"

All movement ceases, and slowly everyone stands up, except Obi-Wan, who sinks slowly to the ground. In his hands, he clutches the broken

pieces of the stick. He concentrates hard and the stick appears to mend itself in front of their eyes. Obi-Wan then hands the newly fixed stick

back to a grateful Jessica, who glares at Obi-Wan.

JESSICA: "I hope that if the rumors of clone Obi-Wans in Episode 2 is true, they're more well behaved then you!"

She stalks out of the story, leaving only Kathryn, Molly, and Obi-Wan himself.

Kathryn turns to Molly.

KATHRYN: "Well, Molly, I hate to be a party pooper here, but I've really got to work on finishing "Q Menace"."

MOLLY: "Ah, well, I'd better get cracking on "Endless Night, Dawning Day" now that you mention it."

They both turn to stare at Obi-Wan, who looks confused.

OBI-WAN: "What, I don't have a story to write, I'm a fictional character! They don't write stories, they're IN them!"

KATHRYN: "Well, how about coming with me to give me inspiration for the really mushy ending of my story that I've got planned?"

MOLLY: in a suggestive voice "What's he gonna do, help you act it out in graphic detail?"

Although Kathryn silently wishes that she could actually compromise her standards like that at least for a few moments, she shouts, "PG! PG!"

MOLLY: "C'mon, Obi, you can come with me, and help me out with MY story - it's all about you! Aren't you flattered?"

Obi-Wan flees the story in terror for his very life (he's making pretty good time for someone with no boots on! M.W.)

KATHRYN: "Well, Molly, I guess I'll see you the next time our warped little minds come up with something like this again! Or if we get

enough positive feedback! By the way, whose idea was this, again?"

MOLLY: "I think it was yours."

KATHRYN: "Noooo, Molly, I believe that distinction goes to you, my friend!"

MOLLY: "No really, I think it was you!"

KATHRYN: "No, you!!"

MOLLY: "You!"

THE END!

Author's Note: Kathryn and Molly are NOT insane, and Kathryn does NOT talk to imaginary Jedi Masters! This was literally a phone fic, I

(Molly) typed, while we both helped compose it. Basically every sentence was written while we were on the phone!! He he! Furthermore,

we'd like to assure you that no Jedi, Sith, or any other life forms were harmed in the writing of this fic.

DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of fiction written in appreciation of Star Wars; to promote the franchise and to keep it alive. All

characters and settings original to Star Wars are copyright to Lucasfilm, Ltd. The rest is copyright to the author. No profit was

gained from this story.