Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm just using the characters in an
attempt to alleviate my boredom. The song used is "Mrs. Steven Rudy"
by Mark McGuinn.
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Buffy Summers finds her marriage
going south, she turns to her next-door neighbor for comfort… (Spuffy;
All-human AU)
Author's Note: Some of the scenes and dialogue used are
modified versions of scenes from the series. The episodes directly quoted are
as follows: "Into the Woods," "Triangle,"
"Crush," "Smashed," "Gone," "Dead
Things," "As You Were," "Seeing Red" (not the
"bathroom scene"), "Touched," and "Chosen." If I
forgot to name one, sorry. Anything that is from the show, I'm not claiming as
mine, I'm just using it because it fits. Credit for those scenes goes to the
actual writers.
Feedback and Archiving: I accept most archiving requests, I just
prefer it if I'm asked before the fic is posted. And although this may seem
self-explanatory, please don't post on any website that allows the author to
post his/her own fics, such as adultfanfiction.net or fanfiction.net. I've had
problems with that in the past… Send all feedback and archiving requests
to: addie_logan@yahoo.com
Personal Website: https://www.angelfire.com/scifi/addielogan/buffy.html
The Bad Boy Next Door
By: Addie Logan
***
*** ***
I get up on Sunday, about
eight-fifteen
Just to get the paper that I never read
'Cause I know she'll be there barely in her robe
Sittin' on her front porch paintin' on her toes
Her husband's always on the road
Hey, Mrs. Steven Rudy
You don't know what you do to me
Every night I dream one day of being with you
Hey, Mrs. Steven Rudy
You're the neighborhood beauty
And that wedding ring is as ugly as your husband is to you
Sometimes Mrs. Rudy calls cryin' late at night
'Cause her and Mr. Ugly have had another fight
We talk a while, and I hear her smile
When she says thank you, I tell her that she's welcome
Like any friend would do, I only wish she knew
Hey, Mrs. Steven Rudy
You don't know what you do to me
Every night I dream one day of being with you
Hey, Mrs. Steven Rudy
You're the neighborhood beauty
And that wedding ring is as ugly as your husband is to you
Imagination, infatuation
I'm what she deserves
I wonder if she thinks about me, the way I think about her
Hey, Mrs. Steven Rudy
You don't know what you do to me
Every night I dream one day of being with you
Hey, Mrs. Steven Rudy
You're the neighborhood beauty
And that wedding ring is as ugly as your husband is to you
***
*** ***
Spike knew he shouldn't be watching
her like this. She had a husband. A rather large husband. With guns. And combat
training.
Still, when she was parading around
her front porch in a silk robe that barely hit mid-thigh, Spike didn't have
much of a choice but to watch. With all that tan skin showing, and her
honey-colored hair spilling down her back, she was mesmerizing. She looked up
and waved at him, smiling. Her robe slipped slightly, and Spike could see just
a little more flesh. Spike waved back. "Good morning, Mrs. Finn," he
said, trying to remind himself that she was married more than anything else.
"Good morning, William,"
she called back, her smile still firmly in place. "How's the book coming
along?"
"Great," Spike replied,
not wanting to relate his tale of writer's block woe.
"Glad to hear it. I'll see you
later!"
"See you," Spike replied,
watching her go back into her house. He sighed, cursing her husband under his
breath as he went back inside his own home. Granted, Spike barely knew the man,
but somehow he figured he was too much of a corn-fed farmboy to know what to do
with a woman like that. "Stupid git," Spike muttered, walking into
his study.
Spike sat at his computer, staring
at the blank screen. He could barely remember the last time he'd typed more than
a sentence, and usually, that was immediately deleted. His publisher was
beginning to get fed up, threatening to drop him if he didn't come up with
something soon, success of his previous novel be damned. Spike groaned, resting
his head in his hands. "Bloody buggering hell."
He got up and poured his first
brandy of the day.
***
*** ***
"Can't someone else go in your
place?"
Riley Finn looked up at his wife,
his annoyance clear on his face. "Buffy, we talked about this when I took
the job. I have to travel."
"But you just came back!"
"I've been home for three
days."
"And for two of those you kept
complaining about jet lag…"
Riley sighed heavily. "Buffy,
I'm sorry, but I have to go. I need this job. Do you want to lose the house?
The car? And what about the college fund we're starting for our future
children?"
"I know, it's just… Riley, I
was a military wife for three years. I thought when you got out that maybe we
could actually see each other once in a while, but then you took this job, and
you're gone almost as much as you were before!"
Riley walked over to Buffy, gently
taking hold of her arms and resting his forehead against hers. "I know,
baby. But I promise you, we'll spend some real time together soon."
"Promise?"
"Have I ever lied to
you?"
Buffy shook her head as Riley
placed a soft kiss on top of it. "No."
"I love you, Buffy. I'll call
you as soon as I get to the hotel, I promise."
"Okay. I love you, too,
Riley."
Riley picked up his suitcase.
"Be careful, baby. I'll be home soon."
Buffy nodded. "I'll miss
you."
"I'll miss you, too."
Riley gave her a quick kiss before
heading out the door.
Buffy tried to stop the tears, but
they came anyway.
***
*** ***
Four hours since he'd first sat
down, and the screen in front of him was just as blank as it had been when he'd
started. Spike pushed away from the computer, deciding he needed to get a
little fresh air and stretch his legs. Maybe then something would finally come
to him.
He went out the backdoor, sitting
on the concrete steps. He looked across the way to see Buffy, sitting on the
steps of her own back porch, her head buried in her hands. She looked up after
a moment, staring forward into nothingness, and Spike realized she was crying.
He knew he shouldn't intrude, but he couldn't stop himself from getting up and
walking over there, stepping over the short row of shrubbery that separated the
two houses.
Spike stopped when he got to Buffy,
suddenly not sure what to do. They'd barely had any more contact than their
morning greetings, and now he found himself at a loss for words.
Buffy looked up, her streaked face
making Spike want to lean down and kiss the tears away. "Can I help
you?" she asked, trying to keep her voice from wavering.
"What's wrong?"
Buffy sniffled. "I don't want
to talk about it."
Spike had figured as much. "Is
there anything I can do?"
Buffy looked up at him, her
expression one of surprised confusion. Neighbor or not, he was a virtual
stranger, and here he was, asking if he could help her with her silly little
emotional outburst. Not knowing what to say, she looked away, hoping he'd take
the hint that she wanted to be alone.
Spike knew he should just turn
around and leave, but he couldn't repress his urge to comfort her. He sat down
beside her, awkwardly patting her back. Buffy bristled at the unfamiliar touch,
and Spike pulled away. He still sat beside her, not sure of what his next move
should be. When Buffy said nothing, he started to stand.
"I had an argument with my
husband."
Spike froze, sitting back down.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he said, hoping Buffy couldn't tell just
how much he was lying.
"He's always gone," Buffy
said. "I mean, I know his job pays well, but I never see him." She
started crying again, burying her face in her hands.
Spike reached out, rubbing her back
again. Riley was more of a stupid git than he'd originally assumed. Who left a
woman like this home alone all the time? "I'm sure he just wants what's
best for the both of you," Spike said lamely.
"I know, I just
get…lonely…" Buffy wiped her eyes. "I don't know why I'm telling you
this."
"Maybe because I'm
listening?"
Buffy smiled a little.
"Maybe."
"You know, if you ever get
lonely, you can come over to my place." Buffy looked at him in shock, and
Spike realized how she'd taken his invitation. "To talk, I mean," he
added quickly.
Buffy turned bright red embarrassed
by her quick assumption as to his meaning. "I'll…I'll keep that in
mind." She stood. "I should really get back in. I have…things to
do."
Spike stood as well. "Right.
Um, let me know if you ever need anything…neighborly, that is."
"I will," Buffy said,
going towards her door. "Thanks."
"Good going," Spike
muttered to himself once Buffy was gone. "Now she probably thinks you're a
complete ponce." He walked back to his house, grumbling all the way.
***
*** ***
When Spike woke up the next
morning, it took him a moment to realize that the pounding he was hearing was
not regulated to his brain alone. He looked over at the clock and cursed,
wondering who would be bothering him at five o'clock in the morning. His recent
trips to the front porch in order to see Buffy in her robe notwithstanding,
Spike was not a morning person. And everyone who knew him was well aware of it.
The knocking didn't stop. Spike
rolled out of bed, grabbing the first pair of jeans he saw and slipping them
on. "I'm coming, I'm coming!" he informed whoever was knocking,
before adding under his breath, "Hold your bloody horses." Spike was
fully prepared to snap at his early morning visitor, but stopped short when he
realized it was Buffy. He rubbed his face, suddenly wishing he was a little
more presentable. "Mrs. Finn? Is everything all right?"
Buffy stared blankly for a moment.
Being a woman who was still currently breathing, she had of course noticed her
neighbor was attractive, but this… His normally slicked-back platinum blond
hair was now in tussled curls on his head, making her fingers ache to run
through it. He was wearing nothing but the tightest pair of black jeans she had
ever seen, allowing her a perfect view of his sculptured chest.
"I…I…um…"
Spike smirked at her reaction.
Maybe he was presentable enough after all. "Did you need something?"
Need something? His words
penetrated Buffy's suddenly foggy brain. Yes, she needed something. She needed…
Buffy shook her head. "My car won't start."
"Your car?"
"Yeah. Geez, I feel like such
a girly girl, but I have no idea what to do, and I'm supposed to take my sister
to the airport this morning. Riley usually takes care of these things, but he's
not home, and I figured, well, you're a man, and men know about cars,
and…" Buffy stopped, realizing she was babbling.
"Hold on just a moment,
pet," Spike said. "I'll put some more clothes on and be over in a
second."
Buffy just nodded as she stepped
back, her mouth completely dry. Pet?
As much as she knew she shouldn't, she liked that… And why was he putting on
more clothes? Buffy mentally scolded herself as she realized that fully dressed
neighbor really was better than half-naked neighbor, no matter how sexy he was.
"Would you like to come
in?" Spike asked. "I'll only be a moment."
Buffy nodded again. She had to
admit, she was curious to see the inside of his house. Spike stepped back,
letting her come inside. Buffy surveyed the room with her eyes, somewhat
surprised to see it was fairly clean. He could probably stand to dust more
often, but he didn't have the clutter all around that she usually associated
with single men. Granted, she hadn't seen the rest of his house. Maybe he just
kept the living room up for appearances.
"I'll be right out," Spike
told her, slipping out of the room.
Buffy took her moment alone to
study his living room more closely. It was decorated simply, with two leather
chairs and a leather sofa. He had a nice sized television, and a small end table
between the couch and one of the chairs. On it was the remote control and a
single picture in a plain silver frame. Buffy picked it up, seeing that it was
of a much younger William standing beside an older woman, his arm around her.
They were both smiling.
"That's my mum. She died a
while ago, before I left England."
Buffy jumped, putting the picture
down quickly. "I was just…"
Spike smiled at her. "It's all
right."
"I lost my mom, too,"
Buffy said softly. "A little before I married Riley."
Spike met her eyes, and for a
moment, he felt a connection with her. Buffy was the first to look away.
"So, want me to take a look at your car?"
Buffy looked up. "Yes,
please."
Spike gave her his sexiest smirk.
"Well then, Mrs. Finn, let's see if I can go get your motor running."
***
*** ***
Spike glared at Buffy's thoroughly
dead car battery. After fifteen minutes, he'd come to the conclusion that it
was entirely bereft of life. He wiped his hands off on a rag, looking over at
Buffy. "You need a new battery."
"Now? But I'm late to get Dawn
as it is…"
"I can take you to pick your
sister up," Spike offered. "And bring you to get a new battery, too,
on the way back from the airport, if you want."
Buffy looked up at him,
appreciation shining in her eyes. "You'd really do that?"
Spike shrugged. "Sure. Not
like I have anything else to do this morning. You ready to go now?"
"Let me just run in and get my
purse," Buffy said.
"Sure thing. I'll be waiting
for you in my driveway."
When Buffy came back outside, Spike
was leaning against his black DeSoto, looking sexy enough for Buffy's legs to
almost go out on her. Buffy took a deep breath, forcing an image of Riley's
face to the forefront of her mind. When she approached, Spike walked around to
the passenger's side, opening the door for her. "Sorry it's a bit of a
mess in there," he said, pushing some papers down into the floorboards.
"It's all right," Buffy
said, climbing inside the car. Spike shut the door for her before walking
around to the driver's side.
"Where are we headed?" he
asked, once he was in.
"Camden Street. It's over by
UC Sunnydale. Dawn has an apartment near the campus."
"I know the area. You might
have to direct me more when we get closer."
"I can do that."
Spike put the key in the ignition,
cranking the engine.
Twenty-twenty-twenty
four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and nowhere to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
"Sorry about that," Spike
said, quickly turning off the blaring stereo. "Didn't realize I'd left
that on."
"It's all right," Buffy
said, rubbing the ear she hoped she was not now deaf in.
Spike allowed himself one quick
glance at the woman beside him before pulling out of the driveway.
***
*** ***
"Dawnie,
I'm so sorry I'm late," Buffy said, helping her sister with her luggage.
"My car chose this morning to die. Luckily, my neighbor gave me a
ride."
"It's no big," Dawn said,
following her sister to Spike's car. "Maybe I'll miss my flight and won't
have to go at all."
Buffy frowned. "Dawn, you have
to go visit Dad."
"Why? You're not going."
"I can't just take off to
Spain for a month and leave Riley."
"Why? Not like he's ever
around anyway." Dawn saw the flash of pain go across her sister's face.
"Sorry, Buffy."
Buffy was saved from having to
respond when Spike got out of the car to open the trunk. Dawn raised an
eyebrow, leaning in to whisper to Buffy. "You didn't tell me you had such
a hottie for a neighbor."
"You think he's a
hottie?" Buffy whispered back.
"Uh, yeah. My god, look at
that body…"
"Dawn Summers," Buffy
chastised. "Behave."
"Hey, I'm not the married one
here…"
"No, you're the eighteen year
old here. Way too young for such thoughts."
Dawn rolled her eyes.
"Whatever." She walked over to Spike and the open trunk.
"Um, Dawn, this is William, my
neighbor. William, this is my sister, Dawn."
"Nice to meet you,
William," Dawn said. Spike chuckled to himself at the coy, flirtatious
look on her face.
"You can call me Spike,"
he replied, taking the luggage from Dawn and Buffy.
Dawn smiled. "Okay,
cool."
Buffy raised an eyebrow. Spike? That was a little…unorthodox...
"Come on, Dawn, we're going to
be late," Buffy said as Spike slammed the trunk down.
Dawn gave Spike one more smile
before climbing in the backseat.
"Spike?" Buffy asked.
Spike chuckled. "It's a
nickname. You're more than welcome to call me that, too, if you want."
"I'll just stick with
William."
Spike shrugged. "Whatever
makes you happy."
Buffy and Spike got into the car
without another word.
***
*** ***
Spike noticed Buffy's eyes tearing
as they pulled away from the airport after dropping Dawn off. "You need a
tissue?" he asked. "I think I have some in the glove compartment.
Well, napkins from fast food restraints at least…"
"No, I'm fine," Buffy
said, wiping at her eyes with her hand, thankful that she'd had the foresight
to wear waterproof mascara. "I'm never good at saying good bye, even if
it's just for a little while."
"I don't think anyone is,
pet."
Buffy shivered. There is was again.
Pet… She realized that she thought it sounded sexier than anything Riley had
ever called her, and she chastised herself. "So are you still willing to
take me to get a new car battery?" she asked.
"Of course. I know a guy who
can get you a good deal. I'll bring you there."
"Thank you. Although I'm
warning you now, I have no idea how to put it in…"
Spike laughed. "I figured as
much. I'll put it in for you, don't worry."
"Thank you so much for your
help today, William. I don't know what I would've done without you."
He really wished she'd agreed to
call him Spike. "Not a problem, Mrs. Finn. I'm just glad I could help
you."
"Call me Buffy, please,"
she said. "It seems weird, you calling me 'Mrs.' I think you're older than
me." Buffy blushed. "Not that you're old, I just mean…"
"It's all right. I think I am
older than you. I'm guessing you were a young bride."
"Nineteen. I think after my
mother died, I just wanted some stability back in my life." Buffy blushed
yet again, realizing she'd said more than she'd meant to.
Spike shrugged. "Beats
throwing anything stable out the window, I guess."
"Is that what you did?"
Spike gripped the steering wheel a
little tighter. "About that car battery…"
Buffy mentally kicked herself for
prying into a subject she had no business discussing with him. "Um, yeah.
So, where are we going for that?"
***
*** ***
Spike shut the hood of Buffy's car.
"There ya go. Good as new."
Buffy smiled. "Thank you so
much. Again, I don't know what I would've done without your help."
"It was nothing." Spike
met her eyes, his expression serious. "Buffy, if you ever need anyone to
y'know, do manly things when Riley's away, don't hesitate to ask."
Buffy got the sudden image of Spike
doing a very "manly thing" to her, right there on the hood of her
car, followed by complete surprise that she'd think such a thing. Again, she
forced herself to think of Riley. "Thanks for the offer. I'll let you know
if I, um, ever need any of those manly things…"
"Right then," Spike said,
sensing the awkward tone the conversation had taken. "I'll just be, um,
going back into my house now."
Buffy started to walk away, too,
but then stopped. "William, wait."
Spike turned around.
"Yeah?"
"Um, you want me to fix
brunch? I'm kind of hungry, and I figure you are, too, and um, it's the least I
can do, seeing as you carted me all around Sunnydale and fixed my car."
Spike thought for a brief second
about turning her down, but then decided that he should jump at the chance to
spend even a moment more with this woman. "Sure. But only because I'm
hungry—not because you owe me anything."
"Great! So you like
omelettes?"
***
*** ***
"He actually fell for that?"
"Completely. I mean, I knew
the bloke was stupid, but really…"
Buffy wiped tears from her eyes again,
only this time they were from laughter. "I can definitely see how you
became a writer, William," she said. "You really can tell a
story."
"You're only saying that
because you never read my poetry."
"Poetry?"
Spike winced. "I know I'm
going to regret telling you this. Back when I went to university, I knew this
woman, Cecily. Anyway, to make an embarrassing story short, these poems I wrote
for her got out, earning me the nickname William the Bloody—short for William
the Bloody Awful Poet."
Buffy tried unsuccessfully not to
laugh. "You're kidding, right?"
"Sadly, no. Although luckily,
I discovered prose, and the rest was history."
Buffy nudged his arm with her
elbow. "You think you'd let me read any of that so-called 'bloody awful'
poetry someday?"
"Burnt it. All of it. Bloody
awful bonfire."
"You're lying."
Spike smirked. "Okay, I didn't
burn it. But it is quite well hidden."
"Okay, fine. I won't make you
show it to me if you don't want to."
"Thanks, pet."
Buffy swallowed hard. The part of
her that was Mrs. Riley Finn rebelled against this man having a nickname for
her, but the part of her that was still just Buffy Summers relished it, wanting
more. "So what about 'Spike?' Where did that name come from?"
Spike smirked. "Trust me, you
don't want to know."
Buffy couldn't help but let her
eyes travel downward. "Maybe it came
from that." Buffy turned a
deep crimson at the unbidden thought. Spike noticed the direction of her stare
and smirked again. She licked her lips, and he had to resist the urge to adjust
himself.
Spike took a deep breath, willing
his body to calm, even under her heated gaze. He stood, deciding now was a good
time to make his exit, unless he wanted her oversized wanker of a husband to
come after him later… "I hate to break up the party, but I really do need
to get home and work on my novel."
Buffy blinked, coming back to
reality. Buffy blushed, then blushed a little more when she realized just how
much she'd been doing that today. "Okay. I'm sorry I kept you from your
work."
"Oh, don't worry about that at
all, pet. You were a welcome distraction."
Buffy smiled at him. "Glad to
hear it. Come on, I'll walk you to the door."
Spike nodded, following her out.
When they got to the door, he reached out, resting his hand lightly on her
shoulder. Both Spike and Buffy felt the sudden rush the accompanied the simple
touch. "I'm serious about you letting me know if you need anything."
"I know. And I will."
Spike gave her one more charming
smile before leaving the house.
Buffy shut the door behind him, quickly
leaning against it as her knees finally gave out.
***
*** ***
Buffy hummed to herself as she
fixed her hair and make up. She glanced at the clock. Riley's plane had landed
a little over an hour ago. He'd be home soon, and Buffy couldn't help the rush of
giddy excitement she felt at the thought
of seeing her husband again. He'd been home only a handful of days in the past
couple of months, but after tonight, he'd be home with her for two weeks. She
could hardly remember the last time she'd seen her husband that much, if ever.
Buffy heard the door open, and she
checked her make up one more time before all but running to the living room.
She threw her arms around Riley, kissing him. Riley kissed her back lightly,
before pushing her away. "Did you make dinner?"
Buffy blinked. Dinner? "Um, I
thought maybe we could go out tonight. We haven't in so long, and…"
"Buffy, I'm tired," Riley
said. "Besides, I ate out every night I was gone. I'd much rather just
have a home cooked meal."
"There's some leftovers in the
fridge…"
"I've been gone for four days,
and the best I can come home to is leftovers?"
Buffy fought the sudden onslaught
of tears she felt trying to break through to the surface. "I can make
something else…"
"You're so good to me, baby,"
Riley said, kissing the top of her head. "I'm going to take a shower. I
always feel so dirty after being crammed in an airplane for hours."
"I missed you," Buffy
said as Riley walked out of the living room.
"Missed you, too!" Riley
called back, shutting the door to the bathroom.
Buffy walked into the kitchen,
throwing open the freezer door and pulling out ground beef. She slammed the
freezer shut, then went to the microwave, throwing the door open before shoving
in the beef and slamming it shut as well. She punched the numbers in so hard
that she broke a nail.
"Son of a bitch," she
snapped, holding her injured finger. Suddenly, she couldn't hold back the tears
anymore. She went to the sink, leaning over it as she cried silently. Was it
her? Was she so undesirable that her husband didn't want to be around her? She
tried to be a good wife, tried to make him happy, but it seemed like she just
couldn't.
Buffy looked up, catching a glimpse
of Spike through the window. He was sitting at his kitchen table, smoking a
cigarette and flipping through the paper. He seemed so relaxed, and Buffy
couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to be his wife instead of
Riley's. She imagined sitting with him at the table, making idle conversation
about what their days had been like. She never did that with Riley, never had
the kind of relationship with her husband where she could just be there,
enjoying the moment with him.
Buffy wiped her eyes harshly,
chastising herself for that thought. She had no idea what life would be like
with any man other than Riley, especially her neighbor. So he'd helped her when
he car was broken. That didn't mean he'd be a good husband. Riley would've
helped a woman in her situation, and he was…
Buffy frowned. Was what? A bad
husband? She really couldn't call him that. He loved her and provided for her.
She felt the all-too familiar wave of guilt at her desire for Riley to spend
more time at home. He reminded her over and over again that he worked so much
for them, so they could have a good life. She shouldn't be so selfish.
The microwave dinged, and Buffy
went over, getting the now-thawed meat out. She took a deep breath, forcing a
smile as she made dinner.
***
*** ***
"I'm going to New York
Monday."
Buffy dropped her fork into her
salad. "What? I thought you said you didn't have to travel for two
weeks."
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I really
wish I didn't have to, but if I don't go, this deal I've been working on for
months could fall through. That could cost me my job, baby."
"Can't Graham go?"
Riley reached across the table,
taking her hand. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't go if I didn't absolutely have to,
but this is important."
"Isn't our marriage
important?"
Riley's eyes grew wide in surprise.
"Of course it is! Buffy, our marriage is fine."
"No, it isn't. I never see
you! How can we have a marriage if we're never in the same place at the same
time?"
Riley stood up. "Dammit,
Buffy, I do this all for you! I want you to have everything so you can be
happy!"
"But I'm not happy! I don't
care about material things, Riley—I want to be with you."
"Yeah, well, you tell me that
when we're living in a crappy, roach-infested apartment, struggling to pay the
bills."
Buffy's eyes filled with tears.
"I'm not saying I want that, it's just… Isn't there some way you could be home
more? I see more of the bag boy at the grocery store than I do of you."
"Buffy, we are not having this
discussion. This is my job." He sighed at the heartbroken look on his
wife's face. "I promise we'll spend some real time together soon." He
sat back down at the table.
Buffy was the one to get up this
time, throwing her napkin down. "You keep saying that, but it hasn't
happened, Riley. If anything, I see you even less than I used to. I'm sick of
it!" She stormed out of the dining room.
Riley ran after her, grabbing her
arm. "Where are you going?"
"Away, since obviously you
don't want to be around me."
"Buffy, that isn't true! I
told you I'd make it up to you! Come on, baby, I'm here now. Let's just have a
nice dinner."
Buffy pulled her arm out of his loose
grip. "I'm not hungry." She ran off, slamming the back door as she
went out to the porch.
Buffy hadn't been outside very long
at all before she noticed someone come over and sit beside her. She turned,
starting to yell at Riley to leave her alone when she saw it wasn't her
husband. "William!"
"I don't mean to intrude, pet,
but you looked so sad sitting over here."
"It's nothing," Buffy
said. "I'm just one of those overly emotional women."
Spike smirked. "Now how come I
doubt that?" He patted her leg. "I don't mean to pry or anything, but
I'm here if you want to talk."
Buffy knew she probably shouldn't
be pouring her heart out to her next-door neighbor, but she realized how badly
she needed someone to listen to her. "It's Riley," she said.
"He's gone all the time. I know I'm a totally selfish bitch for wanting
him home more, but I can't help it."
Spike frowned. "How does
wanting your husband around make you a selfish bitch?"
"He's working so much for me,
and all I can do is complain."
"Bullocks," Spike said,
his sharp tone making Buffy's head snap up. He reached out, stroking her cheek.
"Buffy, wanting your husband to spend time with you is not selfish. And
don't fall for that 'I'm doing it for you' shit. If Riley is putting more hours
in at the office than at home it's because he wants to, not because he's trying
to make you happy."
"But he does so much for
me," Buffy said. "When my mother died, I was suddenly all alone,
having to take care of a home and a fourteen year old. But Riley, he came in
and made it all better. He married me, and Dawn and I moved onto the base with
him. He even pays for her to go to college. And I try so hard to be a good
wife, because that's what he deserves, but I guess I just can't be."
Spike gave her a quick once over,
taking note of her perfect little body. "How are you not a good
wife?"
Buffy looked down at the ground.
"Like tonight, when he got home, I didn't have dinner ready."
Spike's eyes widened. "What,
the man can't feed himself?"
"William, I'm home all day.
The least I can do is cook dinner." Buffy sighed. "See, I thought
maybe we could go out. It's been so long since we've been anywhere. But he
wanted a meal at home after eating out so much while he was traveling. I
should've known that."
If the other man didn't have a good
five inches on him, Spike would've gone inside and throttled Riley Finn. If
Buffy was his wife, he'd wine and dine her every night if that was what she
wanted. "Buffy, I'm sure you're a perfectly good wife. Hell, if I had ever
told my wife to cook me dinner, she would've laughed in my face. Right after
she smacked me good and proper."
Buffy looked at him in surprise.
"You have a wife?"
Spike looked away. "Ex wife. I
haven't seen her in a couple of years."
"I'm sorry."
Spike shrugged. "Things
happen. Dru and I just weren't meant to be I guess."
His words were casual, but Buffy
could see the pain in his eyes. She wondered what sort of woman would leave
him, but then she remembered her earlier musings in the kitchen. Maybe William
wouldn't have been any more of an attentive husband than Riley. "I…"
Spike cut her off. "But we
weren't talking about my pitiful excuse for a love life…"
Buffy smirked. "Nope. We were
talking about mine."
"I'm sure it's not pitiful…"
"I'd call no sex in over a
month pitiful." Buffy clamped her hand over her mouth. "I can't
believe I just said that. I'm so sorry."
"What are you apologizing for?
I'm not the one who isn't getting any," Spike teased lightly.
Buffy felt a sudden wave of
jealousy wondering just who Spike was "getting some" from, but then
pushed it away, reminding herself she was a married woman. "It's just that
Riley travels a lot, and when he gets home, he's so tired."
"If you were my wife, I
wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you after being gone an hour, never mind
several days." Spike didn't realize he'd spoken aloud until he saw Buffy's
expression of total shock. "Figuratively speaking, of course," he
added lamely.
"Yeah." Buffy stood.
"I should really get inside. Riley'll go to
sleep soon, and I hate to go to bed angry."
"Buffy, if I made you
uncomfortable…"
"No, it's not that at
all." She smiled at him. "I really appreciate you talking to me,
William."
Spike stood as well. "If you
ever need anyone to listen, you know where I live."
Buffy nodded. "Thank you."
Spike started to walk away, but
stopped, reaching up to cup the side of Buffy's face in his hand. "Riley's
a damn lucky bloke to have a wife as beautiful and warm as you. If he can't see
that, then he's the one with the problem—not you."
Buffy felt herself blushing the way
that William always seemed to make her do. "Th…thank you."
As if compelled by some sort of
force outside of himself, Spike leaned down, kissing the top of Buffy's head.
"Good night, sweet Buffy."
Buffy reached out and grasped the
railing of the porch, not trusting her ability to remain standing. "Good
night."
Spike gave her his most charming
smile before walking back over to his own house.
Buffy sat back down, waiting for a
while until she regained her composure enough to go back in.
***
*** ***
Buffy walked into the dining room
to find the dinner plates still on the table, the leftover food not put away.
She sighed, clearing the table and putting the dishes in the dishwasher. She
put what was left of the food in the refrigerator before going back into the
bedroom. Riley was already in bed, laying on his back with one hand thrown over
his face, lightly snoring. Buffy got ready for bed, then slipped in beside her
husband. Gently, she shook him awake.
Riley slowly opened his eyes.
"What, Buffy?"
"I wanted to apologize before
I went to sleep."
"Why didn't you just apologize
in the morning?" Riley asked groggily. "I was already sleeping."
"I don't want to go to bed
angry," Buffy said. "My parents…"
"Buffy, we are not your
parents," Riley snapped. "Besides, my parents went to bed angry
plenty of times, and they're still married."
Buffy somehow kept from pointing
out that any love in that marriage had obviously died years ago. She
wasn't sure which was worse—getting divorced or staying together out of nothing
more than convenience. "I just hate fighting with you, Riley. You're never
home, and then when you are, it seems like we're arguing the whole time."
"That's because you keep
nagging me."
"I'm not nagging! I just want
to actually see you once in a while."
"I'm home now, and what do you
do? You storm out during dinner and then wake me up to yell at me!"
"I woke you up to
apologize," Buffy snapped. "You're the one who started the fight over
again."
"You've been at me ever since
I came home," Riley replied. "You wonder why I'm never home? Well,
dammit, Buffy, who would want to live with this?"
Buffy's face fell. Riley did stay
gone all the time because of her. "Riley, if I'm a bad wife, I'm sorry. I
really do try…"
Riley sighed heavily. "Buffy,
you're not a bad wife. You're just a little…trying at times. But I do
love you."
"I love you, too." Buffy
slid up against him, nestling her head against his chest. Riley wrapped his
arms around her. "I do appreciate everything you do, Riley. I'm sorry if I
seem ungrateful."
Riley kissed her hair. "It's
okay, Buffy. I know it does get lonely for you when I'm gone. Why don't you
join a book club or something?"
Buffy frowned. She didn't want a
book club. She wanted a husband who remembered she existed. "I'll think
about it."
Riley gave her a gentle squeeze.
"There, we're not fighting anymore. Can you go to sleep now?"
Buffy let herself get comfortable
in her husband's arms. "Yeah," she replied, closing her eyes and
ignoring those nagging doubts still at the back of her mind.
***
*** ***
Spike had developed a deep hatred
for blank computer screens. They taunted him every time he closed his eyes,
every time he fell asleep. And in his waking hours, the real thing stared at
him, as if it were making a mockery of the emptiness he felt in his life.
He tried writing with a good
old-fashioned pen and paper, wondering if maybe that would make the words come
again, but still nothing. All that had gotten him was a nice mound of paper
balls beside his couch.
When he heard a knock at his door,
Spike got up immediately, grateful for the distraction. He became even happier
when he saw his visitor was Buffy. He smiled brightly. "Well, hello, Mrs.
Finn. And how can I help you?"
Buffy smiled back. "I'm really
sorry to bother you, but, well, Riley's off again, and I was getting sort of
lonely over there by myself. But I'm probably intruding, so…"
Spike reached out, desperate to
stop her from going. "No. You're not intruding at all. As a matter of
fact, I'm glad you stopped by. I was going crazy in there trying to
write?"
"Novel not going so
well?"
Spike winced. "No. I'm in
writer's block hell."
Buffy gave him a sympathetic look
that would annoy him coming from most people. From her, it made him feel a
little better. "How long have you been blocked?" Buffy asked.
Spike decided against lying to her.
"Any ability I ever had to write came to a dead stop months ago."
Buffy's eyes widened. "Must be
awful for you."
"It's not a walk in the park,
that's for sure." Spike's brow knitted.
"You want to go get some lunch? I know I could use a change of
scenery, and it must get boring for you, eating alone."
Buffy paused, thinking for a
minute. Would Riley like the idea of her going out to eat with another man? But
she wanted to go, and well, Riley wasn't there to stop her, now was he?
"Sure. Where'd you have in mind?"
"There's this place up the
road. They have these fried onion things that are bloody amazing."
Buffy giggled, and Spike decided
instantly he loved the sound. "Sounds good. You ready to go now, or…"
"Now's a good a time as any.
Let's go, pet."
Buffy smiled as she walked with
Spike down to the driveway.
***
*** ***
"So how did your writer's
block start anyway?" Buffy asked once they had gotten to the restaurant
and placed their orders.
"I don't know, really,"
Spike replied with a shrug. "It's like I sit down to write, and nothing
comes."
"Like you don't have any
inspiration?" Buffy suggested.
"Exactly," Spike replied.
"I know I should write, and I know I would like the money, but that's not
enough of a reason for the creative part of my brain, I guess."
"Spike! Spikey, is that
you!"
Spike turned pale, looking down at
the table. "Sodding hell."
Buffy glanced up at the blonde
coming towards their table. "Who is that?"
"My biggest mistake ever,"
Spike muttered.
The blonde came up to them, placing
both of her hands firmly on the table. "And just where have you
been?" she demanded to know. "I've been trying to call you for
weeks!"
Spike gave her his most innocent
expression. "I've been in New York meeting with publishers."
"Don't you lie to me!"
the girl snapped. "And who's this…" The woman stopped. "Wait,
don't I know you?"
Buffy looked up, recognition
flitting across her face. She frowned. "We went to high school
together," she muttered.
"Right. Bunny?"
"Buffy."
"Whatever. Spike, what are you
doing with her?"
"We were just having lunch,
Harmony," Spike replied through gritted teeth. "Buffy's my
neighbor."
"Oh, so you're not skagging her, or whatever it is you say?"
"It's shagging. And no, I'm
not."
"Then why haven't you called
me?"
"I told you, I've been meeting
with publishers," Spike lied again. "I was going to call you."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. But I need you
to leave right now, okay Harm?"
Harmony frowned, but stepped back
from the table. "But you promise you'll call me?"
"I promise."
Harmony threw her arms around
Spike, giving him a big kiss. "I've missed you, Blondie Bear!" She
pulled back. "Call me!"
"I will."
Harmony gave Buffy a snarky smile
before sashaying away from the table.
Spike looked across the table to
see Buffy staring at him with her arms crossed in front of her and one eyebrow
raised. "Blondie Bear?"
"Yeah, I didn't really want
that one getting out…"
Buffy laughed, but in actuality she
was fuming with jealousy and anger. "So you and Harmony Kendall?"
"Dated her for a while,"
Spike said. "Huge error in judgment."
"Well, yeah," Buffy
replied.
Spike sighed. "It started
right after my divorce was final. I was lonely. By the time I realized the
mistake I'd made, I couldn't get rid of her. She's like a sodding
leech."
The look of absolute misery on
Spike's face made most of Buffy's negative feelings melt away. "Are you
actually going to call her?"
"No. Although knowing her,
she'll just call me incessantly until I finally break down and give in. I
should get my bleeding number changed."
"If I were you, I'd just give
it up and join the witness protection program."
Spike laughed. "I'll take it
the two of you weren't the best of friends in high school."
"Um, no. I made the
unforgivable mistake on choosing my friends based on actual compatibility and
not whether or not they knew the latest fashions."
Spike looked at her in mock horror.
"What's wrong with you, woman?"
Buffy chuckled. "I know. How
could I be so shallow?" She sobered. "But I don't regret it one bit.
I may have not been Miss Popular in high school, but I made friends who I still
love like family."
"So where are they now,
pet?" Spike asked, wondering if she had close friends, why she was so
lonely all the time.
"Oh, they're around,"
Buffy said. "They just have their own lives, y'know? I still see them a
lot, it's just that…"
"They can't fill in for
Riley?" Spike finished.
Buffy nodded. "Exactly."
Spike looked into green eyes and
wanted to tell her he'd be happy to fill in for Riley, but he kept his mouth
shut, knowing that would be a good way to ruin the day. Luckily, before he did
have to say anything else, the waitress brought their food to the table,
letting Spike concentrate on something other than just how beautiful the woman
he was dining with was.
***
*** ***
"Thanks again for lunch,"
Buffy said as they pulled into Spike's driveway. She wasn't sure how she felt
about him picking up the check. It made it almost too much like a date. She
played absent-mindedly with the two rings on her left hand.
"Really, it was nothing."
Spike turned off the car. "Would you like to come in?" He noticed
Buffy hesitate and quickly added. "If you go back home, you'll just be
lonely again, and there's really no point in me sitting around trying to write
when I know I won't be able to. We might as well keep each other company."
"Okay."
Spike smiled. He knew he had no
chance with Buffy, but he couldn't help wanting to be around her. Something
about her called to him, and he wasn't sure he could stay away from her if he
tried. "Come on in, then."
Buffy followed Spike up the
driveway and into his house. She knew that Riley wouldn't like her spending
this much time with another man, but she found that she didn't care. If he was
around, she wouldn't be doing it. "Would you like something to
drink?"
Buffy decided that drinking and
being around her incredibly sexy neighbor were probably not mixy
things. "Just water would be fine, thanks."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
Spike went into the kitchen, and
Buffy sat down on the couch, her back straight and her hands tightly gripping
her knees. Spike came out a few moments later, handing her a glass of water
before sitting down in a chair with a glass of bourbon for himself.
"So how exactly did you meet
Harmony?" Buffy asked after a moment, trying to break the awkward silence.
Spike smirked. "Funny story,
really. But I don't want to talk about her."
Buffy shrugged. "It just
surprised me that you two had ever been together. I mean, unless she's changed
drastically since high school, she always seemed a bit…shallow."
"Maybe I'm shallow."
Buffy searched Spike's face, trying
to see if she'd insulted him. But his lip was curled up in an almost smile, and
if she didn't know any better, she'd swear her was flirting with her. "You
don't seem shallow to me."
"Like I said before, Harm was
a mistake. I met her when I was still reeling over my split with
Drusilla."
Buffy took a sip of her water.
"Tell me to shut up if I'm prying too much, but what happened with you and
your wife?"
"She left me for another
man," Spike said, staring down into his drink. "She'd cheated on me
before, but she always came back. She'd be gone for a bit, but then she'd be at
my door again, begging me to take her back." He took a drink, then added,
"The last time she showed up, it wasn't to ask for my forgiveness. It was
to serve me divorce papers. Apparently I wasn't the man she married."
"Why'd you keep taking her
back if she cheated on you?" Buffy asked. "I don't think I could
forgive Riley for that."
"Because I'm love's
bitch," Spike said bitterly. He sighed. This wasn't the conversation he
wanted to have with Buffy, but at the same time, it felt good to talk to
someone about it. "Dru, she wasn't like other women." He ran his hand
through his hair, messing up the platinum blond spikes a little more. "She
was crazy, actually. Completely off her bird. One of the things I loved most
about her at first. Thought she was quirky."
Spike took another drink, then
frowned when he realized he'd finished off his glass. "It wasn't until
after we were married that I realized how bad she could get. But I loved her.
And I took care of her, even when sometimes I just wanted to walk out and never
look back. I'd been wild and carefree when I married her, but I had to change
some. She kept getting sicker, and I had to take care of her. Then, she started
getting better again, and she decided I wasn't enough for her anymore. Told me
she had to find her pleasures somewhere, and that I tasted like ashes."
"I can't imagine you being
anything but pleasurable." Buffy blushed fiercely when she realized what
she'd blurted out. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
Spike chuckled. "It's all
right, pet. I'll take that as a compliment." Spike got up and walked to
the kitchen, coming back with a refilled glass and the bottle.
Buffy held up her empty water
glass. "I've changed my mind on the alcohol thing."
"Did I depress you that
much?"
Buffy giggled. "No. I just
figured you shouldn't be drinking alone."
"Pet, you don't have to…"
"Would you just fill my damn
glass already?"
Spike laughed, taking her glass and
pouring her a drink. "Well, aren't you a saucy little bint?"
"I might be…if I knew what the
hell that was." Buffy took a drink and made a disgusted sound that Spike
thought was completely adorable. She took another drink. "I know what it's
like…to lose someone and feel like your whole world is ending."
Spike raised a scarred eyebrow.
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Buffy said,
drinking again. "I knew this guy in high school. He was a little older
than me, but when we met, it was like this instant thing, y'know? But in the
end he left. He felt like with our age difference that he was going to make me
miss out on some huge part of life. It hurt so much, and I swore to myself
after that that I would never love another man that much ever again. Too
dangerous."
Spike sat back down, only this time
on the couch with her instead of in the chair. "So you don't love Riley
with that all-encompassing, make you weak in the knees kind of love?"
"I love my husband,"
Buffy said defensively. "Riley and I have a nice, comfortable
relationship. I wouldn't want it any other way."
Spike looked at her, and Buffy
shivered when she realized his eyes had grown darker. "But what about
passion? Don't you miss that burning fire that makes you feel like you'll die
if you don't have the other person right then and there?"
"Yeah…"Buffy said, then
blinked, realizing what she'd said. "I mean no! I can trust and depend on
Riley. That's what I need in a relationship. And if you must know, our sex life
is perfectly satisfying."
Spike almost pointed out that it
couldn't possibly be satisfying if it was practically non-existent, but he
decided it was better not to cross that line. "You don't have to get all
defensive," Spike said, leaning back. "Just teasing you a bit."
Buffy gave him a pout. "It's
not nice to tease, you know."
Spike looked at her full lips and
had to fight the urge to kiss her. Didn't he know it… He coughed.
"Why don't we move to a nicer subject then?"
"Like what?"
"Like you."
"Me?"
"Yes, you. Tell me about
yourself, Buffy Finn."
Buffy gave him a smile that Spike
could only describe as coy. "How about I tell you about Buffy Summers?
She's much more interesting."
Spike leaned back against the edge
of the couch. "Then by all means, talk to me about her."
***
*** ***
Buffy couldn't remember the last
time she'd had this much fun. Somehow, she'd ended up on William's floor,
eating Chinese food with him. They'd talked for hours, and Buffy wondered if
she'd ever spent this much time with Riley. She came to the conclusion that
Drusilla really must have been "off her bird" as William put it to
walk out on him.
Spike looked up at her, laying on
his side with his head perched on his hand. "Thank you."
"For what?" Buffy asked, confused.
"For today. I haven't felt
this, well, alive in a long time."
"Me either," Buffy
replied, realizing as she said it that it was true. Buffy looked up at the
clock, frowning at the late hour. "I should be getting home. Riley usually
calls when he gets in, and he's probably wondering where I am."
Spike sat up, mentally wincing at
the mention of her husband. He'd almost been able to forget the wanker in the
past few hours, but now he remembered with painful clarity that Buffy was
indeed a married woman. "Right. Wouldn't want him to get his knickers all
in a twist."
Buffy smirked. "You want me to
help you clean this up?" Buffy asked, gesturing to the various Chinese
food cartons now littering Spike's floor.
"Nah. I can handle it just
fine." Spike stood, then reached down, taking Buffy's hand and helping her
to her feet.
Buffy stood, staring into his eyes.
He was shorter than Riley, and Buffy realized that that made it easier for her
to really get a good look at him. He was so different from her husband, more
compact with lighter coloring. While Riley was more of a ruggedly handsome kind
of guy, William had more of a sensual beauty about him. She almost
reached up to trace the sharp lines of his perfectly sculpted cheekbones when
she realized she was still holding his hand. She pulled back from him suddenly.
Spike was startled at just how much
the sudden lack of contact with her hurt. Her hand had been so small and soft
in his, and he'd wanted nothing more than to bring it to his lips. "Come
on, pet. You should probably get back to your house," Spike said, wanting
to break the uncomfortable silence.
"Yeah."
Spike walked her to the door,
opening it for her. "Thanks again, Buffy. You call me if it ever gets too
lonely again for you in that big house all by yourself."
"I will. Good
night…Spike."
Spike smiled at her use of his
preferred name. He reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind her ears,
unable to keep himself from touching it any longer. "Good night,
Buffy."
Buffy smiled at him, her blush
returning once again. She hurried off the porch and back to her own house, with
Spike watching her until she closed the door behind her.
Spike shut his own door, walking
into his study. He looked at the computer for a moment, then a slow smile moved
across his face. He sat down and began to type.
***
*** ***
"Spike? Spike, buddy, are you
in here? The backdoor was unlocked…"
"I'm in the study, Clem!"
Spike shouted.
Clem walked into the study,
frowning as he saw the shape both Spike and the room were in. "What happened
in here?"
Spike looked up, his eyes wild and
red from lack of sleep. "I've been writing, Clem!"
"All night?"
"Yes! It's bloody amazing.
It's like this gate just opened, and all these words came pouring out. I was
afraid if I went to sleep, I'd wake up and they'd be gone again."
"So what happened?" Clem
asked, sitting down on the couch in Spike's study.
Spike smiled. "Buffy."
Clem looked confused. "What's
a Buffy?"
"Buffy's a woman, you
nit," Spike said, still smiling. "She's my neighbor. She's the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen. Her hair is the most amazing…" Spike
sighed. "It's like a bloody shampoo commercial."
"So what did this Buffy do to
make your writer's block go away?"
"We spent the whole day
together yesterday," Spike said. "She came over here in the
afternoon, and we went to get lunch. Ran into Harmony, and even that
didn't spoil the day?"
"She that woman you used to
date—the one with all the unicorns?" Clem asked.
"That would be the one. Anyway,
we came back to my place afterwards, and talked for hours. She was over here so
long we ended up eating dinner together, too. Then, when she went home, I could
write again. It was like magic or something."
"If there was that much magic
going on, I'm surprised she went home at all," Clem teased.
Spike shook his head. "We're
not like that."
"Not like what?"
"Like that—y'know, together.
We're just friends. Buffy's married. He's a total git, but she's married."
"Whoa, Spike—married? That
look in your eye did not say 'married friend who happens to be female.' It said
'beautiful woman who I'd kill to be with.'"
"Look, I'll be honest. If
Buffy was single, yeah, I'd make a move. She's gorgeous, and we just, well, click.
But I'm not going to do that with a married woman, no matter how badly I may
want it. I don't want to be like those wankers Dru was seeing behind my
back."
"So where was her husband when
she was spending all day with you?"
"Business trip. He's never
home. If I had a woman like that, there's no sodding
way I'd spend as much of my time gone as he does. Hell, I probably wouldn't
even bother to get out of bed some days…"
"That nice, huh?"
"Oh yes. A golden goddess,
that one."
"A married golden
goddess."
Spike frowned. "I wish you
wouldn't remind me of that, Clem."
Clem gave Spike a half smile.
"Well, look on the bright side. Maybe her husband will get hit by a bus or
something."
Spike chuckled. The thought of
Riley flat on the pavement was just too good to even dream. "I can tell
you I sure wouldn't mind giving her a shoulder to cry on."
Clem sobered. "Just think with
your head on this one, buddy. I don't want to see you hurt again."
"I will," Spike replied,
knowing already that that was going to be a hard promise to keep.
***
*** ***
Usually, Spike wouldn't be caught
dead at a block party. It was incredibly too suburban with all the women
gossiping over covered dishes and the men ready to grill. But he'd looked out
the window and seen Buffy. He knew he was no better than a lovesick teenage boy
the way he'd do anything just to be around her, but he didn't care.
After glancing over at the men to
verify that Riley was nowhere to be found, Spike approached the group of women
Buffy was talking to. "Hello, ladies," he said, giving his most
charming smile.
The women all turned, greeting
Spike with hellos and coy smiles. Spike ignored most of them, focusing on
Buffy. "How are you doing today, Mrs. Finn?"
Buffy blushed a little at the
knowing looks women gave each other over the way Spike focused on her.
"I'm fine, you?" she asked, trying to sound casual. After all,
William was just her friend. There was nothing she should feel guilty about.
"Great. Is your husband not
back in town?"
More looks from the other women.
"No," Buffy said simply.
"Pity," Spike said with a
smile that told Buffy that he thought it was anything but. "He seems like
the type who would love a chance to grill something." He nodded his head
towards the group of men who were currently flipping hamburgers.
"And why aren't you over there
helping them?" Buffy asked, suddenly wishing Spike was anywhere but there.
She didn't like the looks she was getting from the other neighborhood women.
Spike shrugged. "Not too big
with the whole cooking over an open flame thing, pet. Too caveman for me."
"Buffy, dear, could you give
me a hand? I have a few pies I baked sitting on my counter, and I'd like to
bring them out."
Buffy smiled at the elderly woman
who lived across from her. "Of course, Mrs. Cranston." Buffy gave
Spike a quick glance before walking across the street.
"Marriage is a difficult
thing, child," Mrs. Cranston said once she and Buffy were in her house.
Buffy blinked. "What?"
"I remember when I was your
age, dear. My sweet Lyle, bless his resting soul, was always working—much like
that handsome husband of yours." Mrs. Cranston went into the kitchen,
pulling out some plastic wrap to cover the pies with. "A few times I was
confronted by the demon of temptation, but I didn't give in. Even if Lyle did,
I always turned a blind eye. After all, men will be men. But we wives, we're
meant to be there for our husbands, no matter how much better something else
may look."
Buffy frowned, confused. "What
are you talking about?" she asked. "I haven't…"
Mrs. Cranston shook a stern finger.
"Don't pretend you don't know. It's plain how you and that William look at
each other. But you're a good girl, Buffy. Don't let him tempt you into being
anything but a good wife. Riley's the kind of man who will take care of
you."
Buffy forced herself to stay quiet.
She knew Mrs. Cranston meant well, but she didn't like the way she was talking
to her. She wasn't a girl, she was a woman. A grown, adult woman. And she
didn't need Riley to take care of her, did she? And as far as William was
concerned, well, he was just a friend. No reason to worry there. She pushed
herself to smile. "Thank you for the advice, Mrs. Cranston."
Mrs. Cranston smiled as if she felt
she had truly accomplished something, then handed Buffy a pie. "Thank you
for helping me with these, dear."
Buffy nodded. "Happy to
help."
***
*** ***
As the evening came to a close,
Buffy found herself sitting with Spike on his back porch. "I was surprised
to see you come out and join us today."
"Yeah?"
Buffy took a sip of her drink.
"Yeah. You seem like the type who would hide from something like
this."
Spike chuckled. "Normally, I
would. But I knew you'd be here, pet."
Buffy looked up at him. "You
came to see me?"
"Well, yeah. We're friends,
aren't we?"
"We are." Buffy elbowed
him. "You sure you weren't here to see that brunette who lives down the
street?"
"Huh?"
"The one you were talking to
earlier. She kept touching your arm. All big with the flirty."
"Faith?"
"I guess that was her name.
Tattoo on her arm?"
"Yeah, that's Faith. And no, I
wasn't here to talk to her. She's not my type."
Buffy took another drink.
"That's good. She seemed sorta skanky."
Spike chuckled. "I'm surprised
you noticed." He gave her a teasing smirk. "Were you jealous?"
"Jealous? Ha!" Buffy
waved her left hand in his face. "Married woman here."
Spike cringed a little at the sight
of her rings. He hated Riley Finn for finding this woman first and marrying
her. "Doesn't mean you can't be jealous, kitten. I am a rather attractive
bloke after all."
Buffy felt suddenly lightheaded and
blamed it on the couple of beers she had and not on the way Spike was looking
at her. Kitten? That was a new one. And he was right, he was an attractive
"bloke." Buffy giggled.
"What? Something funny in
that? You could seriously wound a man's ego that way, you know."
Buffy chuckled. "No, nothing's
funny."
"Then why are you
laughing?"
"No reason."
Spike pointed to her beer.
"Had one too many of those?"
"Nope, I'm good." More
giggles.
"Somehow, I don't believe
that." Spike took her drink from her.
"Hey!" Buffy yelled indignantly.
"What was that for?"
"I'm cutting you off."
"You can't do that, you, you
meanie!"
"Meanie?" Spike laughed.
"Case in point, Buff."
Buffy pouted. "I'm not drunk,
I swear. Maybe a little tipsy, but still big with the clear-headedness."
Buffy sighed. "I just feel relaxed. Kinda happy. I had a good time today.
Got to be around people, and I didn't have to think about how Riley isn't here.
Even Mrs. Cranston's little 'don't give into the demon of temptation' speech
didn't get me down."
"Her what?"
Oops. Buffy hadn't meant to let that slip. Maybe
she had had more to drink than she'd thought. "Oh, it's nothing. Just when
she had me go help her with the pies she hinted that you and I are getting
awfully close, and that I need to remember that good wives don't have affairs,
or something like that." Buffy laughed again. "But that's crazy
because you and I so aren't having an affair."
"No," Spike said, more
for his own benefit than for Buffy's. "We're not."
"Nope, we've just been hanging
out. In a completely friendly, non-affair having kind of way." She reached
over William, and he found himself suddenly assaulted with the wonderful scent
of her hair.
"What are you doing?" he
asked.
"Liberating my drink,"
Buffy said, grabbing the beer away from him.
"Evil," Spike muttered.
"Distracting me like that."
Buffy giggled again. "It was
easy, too. Didn't even have to fight you for it."
"Lucky for you. I don't think
you would've stood much of a chance against me."
"Bah. I'm tougher than I look,
mister." Buffy lightly punched his shoulder.
"Oh. Ow. I'm in pain."
"The sarcasm is not
appreciated."
"Wasn't trying to be
sarcastic. I was just trying to, um, boost your ego."
"Riiight.
Liar."
Spike gave her a cocky look.
"What can I say, you hit like a girl."
"I am a girl."
"I've noticed."
Suddenly, it grew silent between
them, the husky tone Spike's voice took in that simple comment changing the
mood between them from playful to something else. "William…" Buffy
looked up, meeting his eyes for just a second. "Spike…"
Spike felt his heart clench in his
chest as she said his name. She was so beautiful, and he couldn't help but
wonder what it would feel like to kiss her. Would it really be so bad, just to
give in a little? He moved closer, mesmerized by eyes.
Buffy knew she shouldn't. But her
mind kept cycling through fantasies about what it would be like just to kiss
him. It had been so long since she and Riley had shared anything passionate,
and she missed the rush she felt from a good kiss. She leaned in towards him.
Buffy froze when she felt Spike's
lips against hers. It was better than she'd expected, the light press of his
mouth stirring more up inside of her than the fieriest kiss she'd ever shared
with Riley. She reached up, tangling her fingers in his hair and pulling him
closer.
The little voice in the back of
Spike's head told him what he was doing was wrong, but he didn't care. Kissing
Buffy somehow made him feel lost and at home at the same time. He wrapped his
arms around her, holding her tightly against him.
Suddenly, Buffy pulled herself
away, her eyes wide. "I…I…oh god, Riley."
Spike's shoulders slumped. He
mentally kicked himself for allowing himself to forget she was married.
"Buffy, I'm sorry. I didn't…"
"No, it's okay," Buffy
said softly, standing up. "I was kissing you, too." She looked at him
for a second then turned away. "I have to go."
Spike wanted to beg her to stay.
"I know." He watched as Buffy ran away.
***
*** ***
As soon as Buffy got into her house
she felt the tears start. She couldn't quite put her finger on exactly what had
happened. How had she gone from having a simple conversation with her neighbor
to kissing him like that?
Buffy decided to blame the alcohol.
What else would've made her completely forget about her husband like that?
She sank down on the couch, knowing
it was more than just the couple of beers she had had. She wanted Spike when
she was completely sober, too. And she'd been just one step away from throwing
all her vows out the window and doing something she knew she'd regret.
She knew she should stay away from
Spike, that the temptation was too great, but at the same time she wasn't sure
if she could. She felt more alive with him than she had in so long, and she
didn't want to give that up. She'd felt trapped in a loop for so long with
Riley, doing the same thing every day, but not really feeling anything. With
Spike, everything was different. But it was wrong. She was a married woman.
Buffy stood, wiping at her eyes as
she headed to the bedroom, telling herself that everything would look better in
the morning.
***
*** ***
Buffy woke the next morning feeling
no better than she had the night before. All she could think about was what it
felt like to kiss Spike and the overwhelming sense of guilt she felt at
betraying Riley, even in that simple way.
She busied herself around the
house, hoping that if she didn't sit still, maybe she could keep herself from
thinking. It worked.
Until she did the laundry.
Buffy stood in the basement in
front of the washing machine, checking the pockets of the jeans she was about
to wash. She reached into a pair of Riley's, pulling out a small, folded slip
of paper. Curious, she opened it. Buffy felt her whole world spin as she read
what was written. It was simple, just the name "Sandy" and a phone number
in curvy, feminine handwriting.
The paper fell to the ground as
Buffy stepped back, her hand clamped over her mouth as she fought back tears.
In the back of her mind she'd always had the nagging suspicion that Riley's
"business trips" weren't all that he said they were. Her friend
Xander's wife, Anya, had once tried to argue that if Riley wasn't getting it at
home, he was getting it somewhere, but Buffy hadn't let herself believe that.
Riley was just tired. All that working and traveling…
But Anya had been right. Riley
hadn't been simply worn out from work; he'd been worn out from whatever it was
he was doing with "Sandy."
Buffy felt angry tears begin to
stream down her face. She'd let herself be torn up with guilt over one kiss,
and he'd been sleeping around on her for who knew how long. "That
bastard!" Buffy yelled, throwing the jeans as hard as she could. She
stared down at the piece of paper, her pain quickly becoming nothing but anger.
She'd wasted so much time, keeping his house, doing nothing for herself, while
he'd been out having fun with some home-wrecking slut.
Buffy's mouth formed a determined
line. "No more," she said aloud. She wasn't going to sit at home
playing housewife Barbie for Riley Finn any longer.
Buffy walked out of the basement.
***
*** ***
Spike sat in front of his computer,
unable to focus long enough to write anything. He didn't feel blocked—the story
was still clear in his mind—but he was distracted. The kiss he'd shared with
Buffy the night before kept playing in his mind over and over again. It was
better than he'd even dreamed. He'd loved Drusilla almost as long as he could
remember, but even kissing her was never like that.
Yet Buffy wasn't his. She had a
husband, and despite the fact that Riley was one of the biggest wankers Spike
had ever met, he didn't want to let himself become the other man. He knew what
it felt like to have your wife cheating on you, and Spike didn't think even
Riley deserved that.
When Spike heard the knock on his door,
he frowned. Only two people ever came to his house these days, and Clem never
knocked. That meant it had to be Buffy. "Or it could be that pizza I
didn't order," Spike muttered as he got up. As much as he didn't want to,
he knew he had to talk to her.
Spike expected a guilty, nervous
Buffy to be standing on the other side of his door. What he didn't expect was
for her to launch herself in his arms, kissing him with a fierce passion.
Spike's eyes grew wide in shock as Buffy pushed him against the wall, slamming
the door shut with her foot as she did. She kissed him hard enough to bruise,
tangling her fingers in his hair. A million reasons why he shouldn't be doing
this ran through Spike's head, but he couldn't do anything but wrap his arms
around Buffy and kiss back.
Spike turned Buffy in his arms,
pressing her against the wall instead. Buffy let him for a moment before
pushing him across the room into the opposite wall, gaining the upper hand
again. She's spent too many years being the weaker one. This time, with this
man, she wanted control. Buffy jumped up, wrapping her legs tightly around his
waist. Spike held on to her for support, thankful for her slight weight. She
pushed herself against him, and Spike groaned against her lips. Suddenly, she
reached between them, pulling down his zipper and pulling him out of his jeans.
When he felt her small, soft hand around him he almost told her to stop, but
then she was pulling up her skirt and, before he knew it, she had slipped
herself down onto him.
Spike looked up at her in surprise.
She looked back with the same expression of shock, as if she was as unsure as
he was as to exactly how things had progressed to this. Spike expected her to
jump out of his arms and run away without looking back. But instead, her look
changed to one of determination as she began to slide up and down on him. Any
rational thoughts he may have had left him as she closed her eyes, a sound of
complete bliss escaping her lips. She kissed him again, and Spike spun with her
still in his arms, pushing her against the wall for better leverage.
Buffy whimpered, pushing herself
against him as hard as she could. Spike tried to keep his balance, but he
couldn't, Buffy's movements too frantic for that. He fell backwards, Buffy's
hand reaching out and knocking over everything on his side table as they went
to the ground. Buffy didn't miss a beat, immediately resuming her motions as
they landed, now riding Spike as he lay on his floor. She looked into his eyes
for a moment before throwing her head back, gasping with pleasure. Then she
leaned down, meeting his eyes again. Her lips were close enough to kiss, but
Spike didn't lean forward. All he could do was lay under her, panting, his body
still in shock that this was even happening. He wondered for a moment if he
would wake up and find this was just another one of his dreams.
Buffy sat up again, riding him
harder this time. She threw her head back, closing her eyes and biting her
lower lip. He watched her for what could've been minutes, and hour, eternity,
he wasn't sure. Then, she cried out his name, her body spasming and clenching
him tighter. Spike let himself go then, knowing he couldn't keep himself from
falling over the edge now if he tried.
Buffy slumped forward, and Spike
held her to him, feeling her tremble. She pushed herself up on his chest, her
eyes searching his. Suddenly, her face paled, and she scrambled to get off of
him, straightening her clothes. She fidgeted nervously with her hair, her eyes
scanning the room wildly, trying to look at anything but him.
Spike's mind was going a mile a
minute as he tried to process what the hell had just happened.
"Buffy…" he said, sitting up and fixing his pants.
Buffy held her hand out.
"Don't. Just…don't."
Spike frowned. Had she forgotten
she was the one that threw herself at him?
He stood. "Buffy, I just… What happened here, pet?"
Buffy turned towards him, the look
of hurt confusion on his face tearing at her. "I'm so sorry," she
said, starting to cry.
"It's all right," Spike
said, unable to keep himself from going over to comfort her. He wrapped his
arms around her, letting her cry against his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Buffy said
again, her voice muffled against his chest.
Spike stroked her hair. "Shh.
You don't have to be sorry. It's going to be all right, love."
Buffy pushed away from him.
"Don't call me that."
Spike frowned. "Call you
what?"
"Love. I don't love you. I can't love you."
"I…I didn't mean…" Spike
gave her an apologetic smile. "I'm British."
"I know, I just." Buffy
looked around the room again, the reality of what she'd just done hitting her.
"I have to go. Riley's supposed to be home this afternoon."
Spike looked down, the mention of
her husband's name filling him with guilt over what they'd just done.
"Right."
Buffy ran out the door without
looking back. Spike sighed and started picking up what they'd knocked over.
***
*** ***
When Riley got home, Buffy was
sitting on the couch. "Hey, baby," he said, leaning down to kiss her.
Buffy turned away. "What's wrong?" Riley asked, his brow knitting.
"Who's Sandy?"
"Huh?"
Buffy stood and tossed the scrap of
paper she'd found earlier at Riley's head. "Sandy! Who the fuck is she,
Riley?"
Riley's eyes grew wide, and he bent
down to pick up the paper. He opened it, reading the name and number.
"Where did you find this?"
"In your jeans earlier, when I
was doing laundry. Is she where you've been, Riley? Is Sandy your
'business?'"
"What! No! Buffy, I…Do you
think I'm cheating on you?"
"You have women's numbers
crumpled in your jeans, Riley. What the fuck
am I supposed to think?"
Riley blinked. He'd never seen
Buffy like this, never heard her talk this way. "Buffy…I wouldn't do
that!"
"Then who is she?" Buffy
screamed, her whole body shaking.
"She's…she's a business
associate. She'd left her house that morning without bringing her business
cards, so she just scribbled her number down. I swear, Buffy, I'm not cheating
on you. I would never, ever do that, baby! I love you so much."
Buffy stared at him, feeling sick
to her stomach. "You didn't…"
"No!" Riley placed his
hands on her arms, looking down into her eyes. "Buffy, listen to me. I
love you. I know I'm gone a lot, but I'm always faithful. You're my
everything."
"You really didn't cheat on
me? Oh god…" Buffy burst into tears.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
Riley asked softly, wiping the tears off her cheeks. "You seem upset that
I didn't."
"No, it isn't that,"
Buffy said, hoping he couldn't tell she was lying. "It's just, I found
that this morning, and it's been a really emotional day. I'm so sorry,
Riley."
"It's okay," Riley said,
kissing her forehead. "I don't blame you for making that conclusion,"
he told her, unable to know the true reason for her apology. "I probably
would've thought the same thing in your shoes."
"I'm sorry," Buffy said
again, slumping against her husband's chest.
"It's okay, really." He
hugged her. "You've had a hard day, baby. Why don't I go run you a bath,
and you can soak while I order something for dinner."
Buffy looked up at him, the gentle
way he was treating her compounding the guilt he was feeling. "Riley, you
don't need…"
"No arguing, Buffy. Come on.
Let's go get you relaxing."
Buffy nodded numbly as she followed
Riley into the bathroom.
***
*** ***
One thought kept rolling through Spike's head:
"What the fuck was that?" He hadn't been able to do much of anything
since Buffy had run out of his house. He wanted to talk to her, to find out
what on earth had driven her to do that, but he knew her husband was home now,
and the "why exactly did we have sex?" conversation was not one he
wanted to have with the other man present.
Spike felt himself drifting back and forth from guilt and self-loathing to telling himself he couldn't exactly be to blame for her throwing herself at him. He hadn't actively tried to seduce her. Sure, he may have gotten closer to her than he should have, but he hadn't pushed for anything. No, Buffy had just come in and taken that.
But then again, he should've tried
to stop it. He'd known she was married, but he'd let it happen all the same.
He'd done nothing to change Buffy's mind, and now he was no better than the men
Drusilla had spent years making a fool of him with.
He wondered if they'd ever felt
like this. If those men had sat alone and thought about him, felt guilt for
invading his marriage, for sharing something with his wife than only he was
supposed to. Somehow, from what he'd seen of Dru's other men, he doubted it.
But did that make him any better? Was he somehow immune from the fact that this
was wrong because he felt guilty?
Spike didn't think so. The fact still
remained, he'd had sex with another man's wife, something he'd vowed he'd never
do. And to make it worse, he knew he'd do it again if given the chance.
"You're a bloody stupid git,
William," he mumbled to himself before taking a drink straight from the
bottle.
***
*** ***
"Buffy, honey, are you
okay?"
Buffy glanced up from the toast
she'd been staring out for the past few minutes. "I'm fine. Do you need
more coffee?" She stood up. "I think I'm going to get more
coffee."
Riley reached out and grabbed her
arm as she started to get up from the table. "I don't think you need any
more coffee. You're jumpy enough as it is."
"You're right. No more coffee.
Orange juice? I could go squeeze some…"
Riley folded his newspaper closed.
"Buffy, talk to me. Is everything all right with us? You've been weird
since I got home last night. You…you believe me about Sandy, don't you?"
"Of course I do, it's
just…" I fucked that gorgeous man
who lives next door, and now I can't look you in the face… "I'm fine,
Riley. Really." She smiled. "See, this is happy, content Buffy, all
big on the marital bliss."
Riley frowned. "Okay, I'll let
it go. But you'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"
"Of course I would."
Buffy reached over and took Riley's hand, immediately regretting the action.
Touching Riley made her remember touching Spike, and that brought the guilt
back, washing over her again in waves.
Riley brought Buffy's hand to his
lips, kissing it. "I'm such a lucky guy to have you for my wife,
Buffy," he said. "You're perfect."
"I'm not sure if I'd go as far
as perfect…"
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
"I would."
Buffy glanced out the window to the
house next door.
***
*** ***
"Why don't we go out
tonight?"
Buffy looked at Riley in shock.
"What?"
"I'm leaving for another week
tomorrow. Let's spend the evening together before I have to go."
Buffy wasn't sure what to say.
Riley hadn't taken her out in ages. But since he'd come home this last time,
he'd been the attentive husband she'd been asking for forever, making Buffy
wonder if this was somehow her karma for what she did with Spike. Being around
Riley now only served to remind her of what she'd done, but he was still her
husband. She should try to enjoy being around him. "Sounds great,
honey."
Riley kissed her. "Great. How
about you go put something nice on, and we can go out to eat?"
Buffy smiled. "Give me…forty
five minutes?"
Riley smiled back. "You got
it, babe."
***
*** ***
Riley had taken Buffy out for
dinner and dancing, being more romantic than she remembered him ever being
before. She'd started the night off feeling guilty, but now as they were
driving home, she felt angry. Why was he just now doing this? Why hadn't be
been treating her this well their entire marriage? Sure, he was all sweet and
suave now, but well, maybe it was too little too late.
When they got into the house, Buffy
reached for the light switch, but Riley stopped her, taking her hand and
lifting it to his lips. "I had a wonderful time with you tonight, Buffy. I
forgot how amazingly beautiful you can be. You take my breath away."
Buffy could see from his eyes what
he wanted, and she suddenly wanted anything but. She could still feel Spike's
hands on her, taste his rough kisses. Would Riley know if he touched her? Would
he be able to feel what Spike had burned into her skin? She felt her anger
surge again. Why did Riley want her now, after rejecting her so many times in
the past? She pulled her hand away. "Well, whose fault is that?"
Riley blinked. "Buffy…I…I
thought we were having a good time." He gave her a pitiful expression.
The guilt returned. Buffy reminded
herself she was the one in the wrong, not Riley. Why was she taking it out on
him? But if he had been like this before, she probably wouldn't have done
anything with Spike in the first place. Buffy felt her eyes tear, and she
fought not to cry. "We were, I'm just…tired. Can we just go to
sleep?"
Riley tried poorly to mask his
disappointment. "Yeah, sure."
Buffy followed him silently into
the bedroom.
***
*** ***
Buffy paced her living room. Riley
had only been gone two hours, and already all she could think about was Spike.
Her body ached with the memory of how intense it had been with him, how it had
been better than anything she'd ever known.
Finally, Buffy made up her mind.
She left her house, walking next door with determination. She couldn't keep
yearning for him like this. It had to stop.
Once Buffy got to Spike's door, she
felt her strength and determination leave her in a rush. She stood nervously
outside his door, trying to compose herself. The last time she'd been here
she'd jumped him like an inmate who'd just seen the light of day for the first
time in years, and then run off without any explanation. What could she say to
him now? She started to leave, then stopped. She had to do this. Needed to… She
knocked.
The time it took Spike to get to
the door seemed like forever to Buffy. She was shaking with nervousness, not
sure of the reaction she'd get when he opened the door.
On the other side door, Spike was trying
to calm himself. He'd seen Buffy from the window coming over, and had been
waiting for her to finally knock. Now that she had, he didn't know what to do.
He contemplated pretending he wasn't home, but he realized she'd probably seen
his car in the driveway. Besides, that was the coward's way out, and if there
was one thing Spike wasn't, that was it. Finally, he opened the door, hoping he
looked as nonchalant about it all as possible. "Hello, Buffy."
Buffy looked up, her expression
resembling that of a cat about to be pounced by a mouse. How could he be so
calm? "Um, hi, William. Can I come in?"
Spike almost winced. She was back
to calling him William. He didn't like that. "Might as well. Planning on
throwing me around my living room again?"
Buffy blushed straight up to her
roots. "Um, about that…"
"Let's go in and talk, pe…Buffy."
Buffy looked up, catching his quick
change. It hurt, and she didn't want it to. "Okay."
Spike and Buffy sat on opposite
sides of his couch. "So, are you going to talk or stare at my floor all
day?" Spike asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"I used you."
"I sort of picked up on
that."
Buffy didn't look at him. "I
thought Riley was cheating on me, and I…I wanted to get back at him. But it was
all a mistake. He wasn't."
Spike tried to ignore just how much
her confession hurt. "Oh."
"William…"
"Just go."
"William…I still…"
"Go!"
Buffy jumped up. She got to the
door, then turned around. Spike wasn't looking at her, but she could see the
side of his face, and… She froze. Was he crying? She moved back to him,
reaching out, but not touching him.
"I thought I bloody told you
to go!"
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean
for any of this to happen." Buffy felt herself begin to cry as well.
"I don't know how I let things get so messed up. I'm so sorry I hurt
you."
Spike looked up, immediately
wishing he hadn't. Seeing her cry was enough to break him. "It's all
right, pet," he said, offering her a weak smile. "I'm pretty used to,
well, being used."
Buffy crumbled. "I didn't…oh
god, I'm so horrible!"
Spike stood up, wrapping her arms
around her. "Shh…you're not horrible. You just made a mistake, is all.
Your husband needn't even know. It'll be our little secret."
Buffy looked up at him, her eyes
wide and tear-filled. "But I did something awful. I cheated on my
husband!"
"It'll work out all right,
Buffy. It's not like it's going to happen again…"
"But that's the problem."
"What?"
"I keep wanting it, Spike.
When my mother died, I felt like a part of me died with her. And after I
married Riley, well, I've just been dying a little more inside every day. But
when I was with you, even before, um, that, I felt alive. I feel
horrible for it, and I know I should just walk away, but I want you so
bad…"
"Buffy, what are you
saying?"
"I want you. I tried to forget
about it, tried to just stay away from you, but I couldn't. I know it's wrong,
to risk my marriage for sex, but I've been going crazy. I need it,
Spike."
Spike felt all the blood rush from his
brain. What little bit of logical thought he had left was screaming at him to
get her out of there. When this was over, they were both going to hate
themselves. She'd go back to being guilty for cheating on her husband, and he'd
go back to being guilty over taking what wasn't his. He leaned down and kissed
her.
Buffy grabbed the back of his head,
pulling his lips somehow closer. Spike groaned against her mouth, his hands
roaming her body. He pulled away from her just long enough to whisper in her
ear, "Bedroom. Now."
Buffy nodded as his lips crushed
hers again. Spike lifted her up, Buffy's legs automatically going around his
hips. He tried to walk with her still kissing him, but with little success.
They smashed into a CD tower, Spike's entire music collection crashing to the
floor. He didn't even seem to notice, pushing Buffy up against the wall so he
could keep kissing her. He wrapped one arm around her waist, using the other
one to unbutton her shirt and throw it to the ground. He smiled at her now-bare
chest and whispered in her ear, "No bra…naughty girl."
"I want to be naughty for you,
Spike," Buffy moaned. "Just for you."
Her words made Spike grow almost
impossibly hard. He pulled Buffy up against him, carrying her into the hall.
They stumbled again, this time Buffy's flailing hand knocking a framed painting
off the wall. Spike managed to get into the bedroom, collapsing just past the
door. He landed with Buffy on top of him, and decided not to attempt getting up
to walk again. Buffy didn't seem to mind where they were, pulling his shirt
from his jeans and over his head in one swift movement.
She moved then to his belt, cursing
as her trembling hands fought with the buckle. "Let me," Spike said,
Undoing his belt and opening his pants quickly. He pulled himself out, stroking
it once. Buffy watched him, her eyes glazed over. She licked her lips slowly,
and Spike about lost it right there. Then she leaned down, taking him in her
mouth as she swirled her tongue around the tip. Spike's head fell back hard against
the floor as he clenched his fist. "Fuck, Buffy, baby…"
Buffy looked at him with an
expression that made Spike growl low in his throat. She pulled up slowly.
"You like that?"
"Oh, god, pet—yes."
"Want more?"
Spike nodded.
"Say it."
Spike swallowed. Was this the same
woman who had been blushing from head to toe just a little bit ago at the mere
mention of what they'd done before? "Put it in your mouth, Buffy."
Buffy feigned innocence. "Put
what in my mouth, Spike?"
Spike smirked. So this was her
game. "My cock. Suck my cock, Buffy."
Buffy held his gaze as she lowered
herself slowly down again, letting his slip into her mouth. When she'd taken as
much as she could, she moaned deep in her throat. Spike's eyes rolled back in
his head as his hands reached up to tangle in her hair. Buffy smiled around him
as she moved up and down, reveling in the obvious effect she was having on him.
After a few moments, Spike pulled
her head up. "Your pussy…I need that now, pet. Please, just let me fuck
you again. I have to…"
Buffy stood, and Spike almost
panicked. Then he saw she was taking off her jeans, and he sighed in relief. If
she ran off now, he was pretty sure he'd just spontaneously combust. She knelt
over him, starting slowly, taking just the head into her. Spike hissed, the
pleasure so exquisite it was almost pain. Then Buffy moved up only to push down
again quickly, taking him all in one stroke. They both cried out together, and
Spike took hold of her hips, moving her up and down in a desperate attempt for
more friction.
Buffy rode him frantically, making
positively inhuman noises. Spike held her hard enough to bruise, watching her
as she threw her head back in ecstasy. Suddenly, he flipped them over, making
Buffy gasp in surprise. He pounded into her, Buffy's hands moving to claw at
his back, leaving long, dark red welts in their wake.
Buffy let out a long, keening yell,
and Spike knew she was there. He drove in harder, Buffy's fingernails now
digging exclusively into his shoulders. He welcomed the pain, allowing it to
mix with the pleasure until it was all too much. He came with a shout,
collapsing down on top of her.
When he came to his senses enough
to realize he was probably crushing her, Spike rolled to the side. "We
missed the bed," Buffy said.
Spike chuckled. "Lucky for the
bed." He turned to her. "You were amazing."
Buffy looked at him, her eyes
almost sad. "You got the job done yourself."
Spike let out a deep breath. Here
it was. The Guilt. "Buffy…"
"Don't. I know."
Spike nodded. She looked sad again,
and Spike hated that, hated himself for not having enough strength to turn her
away when he knew what this was going to do to her. "Are you hungry?"
he asked. As much as he knew he shouldn't, he wanted her to stay.
"Yeah."
"What me to make us some
lunch? I'm not much of a cook, but I can open a can of soup and make a mean
grilled cheese sandwich."
Buffy laughed lightly, and Spike
was grateful for that. "Okay." She moved, wincing a little. "Can
I use your bathroom to clean up? I'm kinda, um, messy."
"Yeah, of course."
Buffy stood, glancing at Spike
before hurrying to the bathroom. Spike stood, pulling his pants back up and
refastening them. He frowned slightly, realizing that they'd never been able to
take it slow enough to actually get him fully undressed. He glanced down at his
shirt, but decided to skip it. His back was stinging a bit from her
fingernails, and he didn't want the cloth irritating it.
Spike ran his fingers through his
hair in a weak attempt to calm it down and went into the kitchen.
***
*** ***
Spike almost dropped the bread when
he heard Buffy gasp. He turned around, his eyes widening at her look of horror.
"What?"
"Your…your back! Oh my god,
did I do that?"
"Um, yeah."
"Spike, I am so sorry."
"It's okay." Spike
smiled, both at the fact that she was so concerned for him, and the fact that
she was now wearing only his shirt. Must mean she wasn't planning to run right
off.
"They look really bad. Do you
think you need to disinfect them?" She glanced up at his hair and smirked.
"I know you have to have some peroxide around here somewhere…."
"Hey!" Spike said, giving
her a mock hurt expression. "You don't like my hair?"
"I never said that. It's very
sexy—in a Billy Idol sort of way."
"I'll have you know he stole
the look from me," Spike said, looking indignant. Buffy raised an eyebrow,
clearly indicating she didn't believe him. "What? He did!"
"Uh huh, sure. But your back.
It's…"
"Not a big deal." Spike
winked. "Besides, I kinda like the fact I can make you lose control like
that. Makes me feel all manly."
Buffy sauntered up to him, hooking
her thumbs in his belt loops and pulling him closer. "You are definitely
quite manly. She looked down, smiling like the Cheshire cat. "Very
manly."
Spike pushed himself against her.
"Glad you like it, pet."
"Boy do I ever," Buffy
replied, sounding almost unaware that the words were even leaving her mouth.
She blushed a little, and Spike chuckled. How she could go from blushing
innocent to sex kitten and back again endeared him to no end.
He leaned down, taking her chin in
his hand. "Are you okay, Buffy?"
"Why are you asking me that?
I'm not the one that looks like a tiger used his back as a scratching
post."
"I didn't mean physically. I
meant…"
"I know what you meant. I just
don't…can't we pretend for a bit that none of that matters? That it's just you
and me?"
Spike wasn't sure how he felt about
that, but he wanted Buffy to be happy. "Sure, pet."
"Good." She smiled.
"Now how's that lunch coming? I'm hungry."
"Oh, look who's the bossy
little bint," Spike said, kissing her. "Give me a couple of minutes,
and I'll have it ready."
Buffy smiled up at him, and Spike
decided maybe pretending wasn't so bad after all.
***
*** ***
Spike sat with Buffy on the couch
watching television. She flipped through the channels, frowning at each new
thing that came on. Finally, she stopped, smiling again and moving to curl up
next to Spike. He wrapped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head.
"Is this show all right?"
Buffy asked.
She could've put on a dog show for
all Spike cared at the moment. "It's fine, pet."
Buffy moved around a bit, situating
herself so she was even closer to Spike. She threw one leg over his, and the oversized
black t-shirt she was wearing rode up, letting Spike see a bit of her low-cut
panties. He shifted uncomfortably, wondering if he could initiate anything else
with her. She seemed open to continue whatever this was that was going on
between them, but Spike was afraid to push it.
Buffy moved again, this time her
hand brushing over his crotch for just a second. Spike sucked in a deep breath.
Had she meant to do that? He looked down, seeing that Buffy was focusing on the
television, chuckling a little at whatever was going on on
the screen. Spike decided it had been accidental and told his body to calm
down. Whatever happened here, he'd left Buffy take it at her own pace.
Buffy's hand brushed against his
groin again, this time lingering for a moment. Spike raised an eyebrow. Was that
an accident? He wasn't sure. Then she did it again, this time giving him a
definite squeeze. He swallowed. There was no way that wasn't on purpose. But
still, she didn't look at him, staring ahead at the television. Spike smirked.
If she wanted to play a little game, he'd up the ante.
Spike reached down slowly, dipping
his hand pants the waistband of her panties. Buffy let out an almost inaudible
gasp, but didn't say anything. Spike continued down, finding his target and pressing
down with his thumb. Buffy gasped louder this time, but still tried to act as
if her attention was focused on the television and not him. Spike pushed two
fingers inside her, smiling to find her already wet. He moved his thumb in a
hard circular motion as his fingers slid in and out. Buffy's breathing grew
heavier, more ragged, and Spike watched her as she fell apart against his hand,
moaning his name and bucking against him as she came.
Spike slid his hand from between
her legs, watching as Buffy tried to recompose herself. He leaned down,
pressing his mouth to her ear and whispering hotly, "Let's see if we can
make it to the bed this time."
"I'm trying to watch
television."
Spike gaped for a second before he
saw the smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Like hell you are,"
he said as he stood up. He grabbed Buffy, throwing her over his shoulder. Buffy
squealed, laughing as she struggled, yelling at him to put her down. "I'll
put you down when I'm good and ready," Spike replied, carrying her to the
bed. "And that would be now." He threw her down on top of the
mattress.
Buffy pulled his shirt off of her,
and Spike let himself stare for a moment. Sure, he'd seen women with chests
larger than hers before, but never had anyone else seemed so perfect. Buffy
looked up, locking eyes with him as she slid her panties down her legs and then
kicked them off. Spike started down on top of her, but she rolled away.
"Not like that," she told him, sitting up. Spike raised an eyebrow,
and Buffy turned, positioning herself on her hands and knees. "Like
this." She turned her head to look at him and winked.
Spike wasted no time in ripping off
his jeans and joining Buffy in the bed. "Do you have any idea what you do
to me, Buffy?" Spike asked, settling on his knees behind her and
positioning himself at her entrance.
"I'm hoping I make you want to
fuck me," Buffy said, pushing back so he was inside her.
"That's part of it,"
Spike said with a groan, sliding in and out of her slowly.
Buffy bit her bottom lip. It wasn't
enough. She didn't want gentle. She wanted wild. She wanted passion like she'd
been missing out on for five years of marriage. She wrapped her hand around the
cast iron bars of the headboard, pushing herself against him. "Harder,
Spike. Make me really feel it."
Spike knew he'd never be able to
deny this woman anything. He gave her
want she wanted, listening to her moan, feeling her clamp down around him as he
brought her to higher and higher planes of ecstasy.
Hours later, Buffy lay in Spike's
arms, a small smile playing across her lips. "I take it you enjoyed that,
pet," Spike said, kissing her hair.
Buffy chuckled. "What gave you
that idea?"
"Oh god, Spike, do it more! Harder!"
Spike said in falsetto. He smirked at her. "Something like that clued me
in."
"If I had any strength in my
limbs whatsoever, I'd smack you right now."
"Save it for later, and you
can smack me around all you want," Spike said, wagging his eyebrows.
Buffy laughed. "You
promise?"
"Only if you let me return the
favor."
"Mmm.
I think I like the idea of us and kinky."
Spike gave her a little squeeze.
"Me, too."
"Although right now, I like
the idea of us and sleeping," Buffy said, closing her eyes. "You wore
me out."
"You did a little wearing out
yourself, Buffy," Spike replied. "So I guess you're sleeping here
tonight."
Buffy's eyes opened, and she looked
up at him. "Is that okay?"
"Of course. I just thought you
might want to go home." Spike added quickly. "But I like you here.
Right here."
"I couldn't sleep in the bed I
share with…I couldn't sleep in that bed tonight."
Spike nodded. "I understand.
Good night, Buffy."
"Good night, Spike."
Spike held her close wishing that
this was all as real as it felt when she was in his arms.
***
*** ***
Buffy was the first to wake the next
morning. Spike was sleeping peacefully beside her, the sheet draped casually
over his lower half, giving her a teasing glimpse of his hip. Buffy took a
moment to just take him in. He was like a Greek statue come to life—her own
personal Adonis. She felt giddy at the thought, tracing the well-defined
muscles of his abdomen with her finger.
Suddenly, Spike reached up and
grabbed her hand, making Buffy gasp. "That tickles, pet."
"Sorry, I was just…" She
smiled. "I was just admiring the view."
"Oh? Like what you see?"
"Yes."
"So do I," Spike replied,
pushing her hair away from her face. "As a matter of fact, you look good
enough to eat." He started to move down, but Buffy took hold of his
shoulder, stopping him.
"You don't have to do
that."
"I know I don't have to,"
Spike said. "But I want to."
"Really, it's okay. I don't
like it anyway."
Spike propped himself up on his
elbow, raising an eyebrow at her. "You don't like that? How can you not
like that?"
"I just don't," Buffy
replied.
"Have you ever had it?"
"Yes. It wasn't all it's
cracked up to be."
"Ah. You've never had it done
properly."
"What's 'proper' about
it?"
Spike gave her a grin.
"Nothing, baby. That's part of the fun. Come on, let me show you how good
it can be."
Buffy sighed. "Fine. But I'm
telling you, it's just not my thing."
"Uh huh. Tell me that after
I'm done." Spike positioned himself between her legs, lifting them up so
they rested on his shoulders. He could feel Buffy's whole body tense with
nervousness. "Relax, kitten," he said, rubbing his finger up and down
over her. "I won't bite…hard."
Buffy let out a deep breath, her
hands resting by her side. She felt the first swipe of Spike's tongue, and her
whole body jerked. He lapped at her gently at first, then with increasing
pressure. When he began to flick her clit back and forth with the tip of his
tongue, Buffy's hands clenched, wadding the sheets in her fists.
Spike smirked against her as he
heard her whimpers and gasps. When he took her clit into his mouth and sucked
she cried out, bucking her hips. Spike gently grazed her flesh with his teeth,
and Buffy let out a choked sob. Spike pulled away suddenly, putting her legs
down and rocking back onto his knees.
Buffy's eyes flew open. "Wha…why…Go back!" she said, desperate for the pleasure
to continue.
"But you don't like it.
It's not your 'thing,'" Spike replied.
"I was wrong! I was so wrong
and bad to ever doubt your greatness, now get back down there!"
Spike chuckled. "As you wish,
my lady." Spike settled back down, pushing his tongue inside her. Buffy
moaned, thrusting her hips. Spike moved back to her clit again, licking it hard
as he slipped three fingers inside her. Buffy screamed this time, digging her
fingers into his hair hard enough to hurt. Spike smiled with pride, knowing she
was lost in pleasure, and he was the one doing it to her.
When she came, she squeezed him
between her thighs, but Spike was relentless, not stopping until every
aftershock had charged through her body. Buffy flopped back on the bed, her
arms and legs nothing but deadweight. Spike slid back up, leaving a trail of
wet kisses on her body as he did. "Seems like you do like that after all,
pet," Spike said, tugging on her earlobe with his teeth.
"Apparently," Buffy said,
surprised she could actually talk.
Spike pushed his erection against
her leg. "Did things for me, too."
"I…I can't."
"Sure you can," Spike
said, nibbling at her neck.
Buffy sighed. She knew she was too
satiated to get anything out of it herself, but she decided after what he just
did for her, it was the least she could do. "Fine."
Spike slid inside her in one
thrust, the pressure making her over-stimulated body tremble. Spike moved
slowly, pulling out almost completely before inching back in. To her surprise
and delight, Buffy found herself spiraling higher again, Spike's body bringing
hers to places she never knew she could go. When she came this time, the stars
exploded behind her eyes and then she felt nothing.
Buffy opened her eyes again a few
minutes, looking up at Spike who was now perched on his elbow, watching her.
"What happened?" she asked groggily.
"You blacked out," Spike
said with a distinct tone of smugness.
"I guess you're proud of
yourself."
Spike's smile grew. "I think I
have every reason to be." He kissed her quickly before sitting up.
"Come on, kitten. I'm starved. Let's go out and get some breakfast."
"But, I…I want to stay in
bed." Buffy pouted.
"More bed later. Sustenance
now. Gotta keep the energy levels up, you know." Spike grabbed her arms,
pulling her out of bed.
"Fine," Buffy grumbled.
"But you just keep in mind that the lack of bedness
is totally your fault."
"I will. Now let's take a
shower. I'm sure we could both use it."
Buffy perked up at that. She was a
little surprised at how quickly she'd recovered from their last round, but the
idea of wet, naked Spike was just too yummy for her to pass up. "Shower it
is," she said, following him into the bathroom.
***
*** ***
By the time they actually managed
to get out of the house, it was well past breakfast time and now firmly into
lunch—and a late one at that. Spike and Buffy went to a restaurant on the other
side of town, hoping they wouldn't be noticed.
Buffy should've known she wouldn't
be so lucky. She and Spike had just started eating when she heard a familiar
voice calling her name. She closed her eyes and swore under her breath.
"Buffy! What are you doing on this side of town?"
Buffy smiled as best she could.
"Willow! I could ask the same of you."
"Tara and I were checking out
a book store over here." Willow squeezed the other girl's hand. "And
who's this guy you're having lunch with who isn't Riley?"
"I'm her neighbor,
William," Spike said. "You're friends of Buffy's?"
Willow nodded, looking at Spike
with suspicion. "Yes."
"Isn't this funny, Buffy?
First you run into me out here, and then them? Guess this is an even smaller
town than we thought," Spike said.
Buffy gave Spike a quick, grateful
look. "I know, what are the odds?"
Willow smiled, obviously taking the
excuse as it stood. Tara frowned a little, but said nothing. "So you're
Buffy's neighbor?" Willow asked, turning to Spike.
"Yeah. Have been ever since
the Finns moved in."
Buffy winced at the mention of
"the Finns." She didn't like thinking of her husband when she was
with Spike. She wanted to separate those parts of life. "William's a
novelist," Buffy said, trying to make conversation that wouldn't be
uncomfortable.
Willow looked impressed. "Are
you published?"
"Last book made the New
York Times Bestseller list."
"I didn't know we had any famous
authors here in Sunnydale."
Spike chuckled. "I'm not that
famous. Sort of, um, a recluse." Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Oh," Willow said with a
nod. "I got it."
"Let's go sit down," Tara
said, giving both Buffy and Spike a glance. "I'm hungry."
"Okay," Willow replied.
"Good seeing you Buffy. And meeting you, William."
"You, too," Spike
replied. He smiled at Tara. "Both of you."
Tara nodded, looking down a little.
"You, too."
"Call me later," Willow
said to Buffy before she and Tara went to their table on the other side of the
restaurant.
"I think the quiet one
suspects something," Spike said after they were alone again.
"Tara? She's always shy. Well,
until she gets to know you. She's really nice. Willow's lucky to have her. And
she's lucky to have Willow, too." Buffy stopped, realizing she was
babbling.
Spike could see how uncomfortable
Buffy was. "Do you want to leave?"
Buffy shook her head, but didn't
look up at him. "No. I want to finish eating."
They ate the rest of the meal in
silence.
***
*** ***
Spike glanced over at Buffy as they
drove back home. She'd barely said anything to him at all since they'd run into
her friends, and Spike couldn't help but worry that that one thing had killed
whatever it was they were starting here. "Are you okay, Buffy?"
"I had to lie to my best
friend," Buffy replied so softly Spike almost didn't hear her.
"I'm sorry. We can be more
careful…"
"What, go out in
disguise?" Buffy snapped. "Maybe we can wear big hats and fake
mustaches."
Spike flinched. "We just won't
go out anymore. Won't take any chances."
"I'm not sure I can do
this," Buffy said. "I thought I could, but seeing Willow…it just made
it all too real."
"What? Last night, this
morning, that wasn't real?"
"No. Maybe." Buffy
sighed. "I don't know."
"What do you want,
Buffy?"
"I don't know!" Spike
pulled the car onto their street. "I'm just going to go back to my
house."
Spike's jaw tightened.
"Yeah." He knew it would end like this, but it didn't make it any
less painful. After just a day with her, he'd already started falling hard. She
did things to him that no woman ever had before, making him feel things he
hadn't even known were possible. But she wasn't his, and it couldn't last.
Spike pulled up in her driveway,
and Buffy all but ran out of the car. She didn't say anything to him, and Spike
didn't call out to her. He just backed away and drove to his own house. As soon
as Spike got inside, he went straight for the liquor cabinet, not bothering
with a glass as he took a drink from the bottle. He didn't want to think, didn't
want to keep kicking himself for doing this in the first place. He knew being
with Buffy would be nothing but heartache for both of them, but he'd jumped
into it anyway.
"Your…your door wasn't locked.
I…I didn't think you'd mind if I just came in."
Spike turned, putting the bottle
down. "Buffy?"
Buffy ran to him, falling against
his chest and crying. "I don't know what to do, Spike. I tried to go home,
but I couldn't. Why can't I stop this?"
Spike held her close, feeling his
own eyes grow damp. "I don't know, pet. I can't stop either."
Buffy looked up at him, her pain
and confusion evident in her eyes. She grabbed his face, kissing him hard. The
rational part of Spike's brain told him to walk away now before this spiraled
down any further, but he couldn't. In such a short time, he'd come to crave
her.
Spike held Buffy close to him,
deciding to enjoy what time he had with her before it all came crashing down
around them.
***
*** ***
Spike hated the sad look that was
on Buffy's face now. She'd barely left his house in three days, the two of them
feeling as if they'd slipped out of the world all together, building one of
their own. The guilt from her eyes had faded away, and Spike had finally seen
what Buffy looked like happy. She was beautiful.
But now the pain and the shame were
back. Riley would be home in just a few hours, and Buffy needed to go back home
and be ready for him. It would blow whatever it was she and Spike had if Riley
came home to find Buffy in bed with the neighbor.
Part of Spike wished she'd tell him
that she wasn't going home at all. That she'd forget all about Riley and stay
with him instead. But he knew he couldn't ask that of her. It was obvious she
still felt something for her husband, despite the decline of their marriage. He
pushed her hair away from her face, wanting to commit her features to memory in
case she decided not to come back to him again.
Buffy looked down, and Spike tried
to imagine what she was thinking, what exactly put that pain in her eyes. He
figured she was thinking about Riley, and how difficult it would be to face him
with the guilt of how she'd spent their time apart.
"I don't know how I'm going to
sleep at night," Buffy said, her voice quiet enough to almost be a
whisper.
"Feeling bad about we
did?" Spike asked, his chest tightening.
Buffy shook her head. "I meant
without you next to me. You…you hold me. How am I going to sleep without you
holding me?" Buffy started to cry.
Spike was completely taken aback.
He hugged her tightly. "I wish I could hold you tonight, too, Buffy."
"Why isn't this my life,
Spike? Why can't I have this?"
Spike didn't know what to tell her.
That she could? That all she had to do was throw away her marriage, her home?
"I don't know," he said softly.
Buffy clung to him tightly. After a
moment, she pulled away, regaining her composure. "We should stay away
from each other while Riley's home," she said, her tone now all business.
"But he'll be gone Thursday morning. Can I come over that afternoon?"
"Of course," Spike
replied.
Buffy beamed. "Good. I'll see
you Thursday."
Spike nodded. "See you
then."
Buffy gave him a quick kiss on the
cheek before walking out the door. She was gone for only a moment before she
burst back through the door, throwing her arms around him again. She kissed him
deeply, leaving Spike breathless when she finally pulled away again. She gave
him one last, longing look before running out the door.
***
*** ***
Clem could tell immediately
something was off with Spike. The bleach blond was fidgety and nervous, constantly
losing his concentration. "Spike, buddy, are you even with me?"
"Sure," Spike said. He
pointed at the T.V. "David Hasslehoff's got a
talking car. Bloody brilliant television that. Why?"
"I dunno, you just seem some
place else," Clem replied. "You've barely touched your chicken wings.
That's not like you, Spike."
"I'm fine."
"It's not nice to keep things
from your best friend."
"Clem, we're men. We're
supposed to grunt and drink beer, not spill our deepest darkest secrets."
Clem shrugged. "Suit yourself.
But I've found I feel much better if I talk things out."
Spike sighed. "I slept with
Buffy."
"Buffy…married
Buffy?"
"Do you think I'd honestly
know two women named Buffy? What are the odds?"
"This is Southern
California."
Spike snorted. "Tell me about
it. Sometimes I long for the rain of fog of London. All this sunshine is bad
for my pasty complexion."
Clem laughed a little before
sobering again. "You changed the subject. What happened with Buffy? Did
she split with her husband?"
"No. She's there with him
right now. Just had the privilege of seeing them eating a nice little dinner
together when I went into the kitchen to get another beer," Spike said
bitterly. "Makes me want to heave."
Clem frowned. "What about not
having sex with a married woman? Spike, buddy, no matter what you feel for this
woman, it's wrong."
"Don't you think I bloody well
know that!" Clem flinched, and Spike sighed, calming down. "I'm
sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's just, well, I don't know how this got to be
such a mess." Spike ran his hands through his hair. "When she first
moved in, I didn't even notice her. Things were just finalized with Drusilla,
and the last thing I wanted to think about were neighbors who were the very
picture of wedded, suburban bliss. But then one morning, about six months ago,
I was sitting on the porch after a, um, rather late night. Buffy came out in
this tiny little robe, the early morning sunlight bouncing off her hair and tan
skin, and I swear, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I thought
maybe it was something to do with the fact I'd been drinking for almost
twenty-four hours straight, so I came out one morning just to get a look at her
sober. And bloody hell, Clem, she was even more beautiful then. Like a sodding angel.
"After that, I came outside
every morning I could, just to look at her. Never exchanged more than a few
pleasantries with her, never dreamed I'd ever get to touch her. But then it
happened. Somehow, we were eating Chinese food on my floor, drinking beer on my
back porch, talking about our lives. I just felt such a connection with her,
like having Buffy around was the most natural thing in the world."
"So you decided to make that
connection physical?" Clem asked.
Spike shook his head. "No,
mate. That isn't how it happened. See, she just came over here one day like
she'd been doing, and jumped me. Had sex with her right there on the
floor." Clem raised his feet a little, but Spike didn't seem to notice.
"She ran off after that. Told me later she'd thought her husband was
cheating on her, and she was using me. Then apparently, she found out he
wasn't. Don't know the details to that."
"Ouch," Clem said with a
wince. "So she avoiding you now?"
Spike shook her head. "Almost
wish she was. That might be easier. No, she came back, said she knew she
shouldn't, but she wanted me anyway. We spent these three really great days
together. It got a little rocky at one point, what with the guilt an all, but
then everything was perfect."
"Until she had to go
home?"
Spike sighed. "Until she had
to go home. She's supposed to come back Thursday. Unless she comes to her
senses and realizes that the last thing she wants is to have an
affair—especially with a guy like me."
"Hey, don't sell yourself
short," Clem said. "You have a lot of very positive attributes. I'm
sure you could find a nice single girl. Maybe if you gave up on smoking. Women
these days hate that. Or so I hear…"
Spike shook his head. "It's
not that simple, Clem. Buffy, she's unlike any woman I've ever met. She seems
so small and delicate, like she'd break as easy as Dru. But she isn't. I've
never met anyone with a fire like hers. And the things she does to me…the way
she makes it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an
animal."
Clem held up his hands. "Wow.
TMI there, buddy. Too much information… But seriously, great sex can be a
wonderful thing, but is it worth ruining your life over, ruining Buffy's life
over?"
"It's not just the sex, Clem.
Don't you get it? I'm in love with her!" Spike's eyes widened a little bit
as he realized what he'd just said—and how true it was.
"You're in love with
her?"
"Yeah, I guess I am."
"Spike, man, this isn't good.
I mean, I'm sure this Buffy is a real pretty lady, but, well, she's not really
available. And what about how you felt when Dru was cheating on you? Do you
really want to do that to some other guy?"
"Riley doesn't love Buffy half
as much as I loved Drusilla," Spike replied, his jaw clenched.
"Dammit, Clem, he barely even seems to realize she exists. He's gone all the
time, leaving her alone and miserable."
"And you're conveniently there
to fill up her free time?"
"No, it isn't like that!
Buffy, she cares about me, too."
"Spike, I don't know anything
about this specific relationship, but I've seen how these things can go. Lonely
housewife finds a guy to play with when the man of the house is out. It might
start out fun, but in the end, all there is is
heartache, my friend."
"Buffy isn't like that. I'm
not a game to her—I mean something."
"Didn't you say earlier that she
told you she was using you?"
"Just the first time. She
wasn't after that."
"Are you sure?"
Spike frowned. In all honesty, he
wasn't. But he couldn't let himself believe that he meant that little to Buffy.
The way she'd look at him, the way she'd cried when she'd left because she
couldn't sleep in his arms that night—that had to be real. "I love her,
Clem."
"Yeah, I get that, but…"
"No buts. Look, I know this
isn't the ideal situation, but I can't just walk away from this. It's like
there's a part of me that Drusilla made dead inside, and Buffy wakes it up
again."
"I...I just don't want to see
you hurt."
"I know. That's the last thing
I want, too, but I can't turn my back on this woman. Now come on, let's get
back to the telly, huh? I'm not sure I can take much more of this angst crap
right now."
"Yeah…" Clem said,
frowning. He smiled again, mainly for Spike's sake. "Let's see what wacky
adventures Michael Knight and his four-wheeled pal K.I.T.T. get into."
***
*** ***
"You know, you really should
lock your door. Who knows what kind of bad things could creep in here and take
you by surprise."
Spike jumped, turning in his chair
to see Buffy in the doorway of his study. "Bloody hell, woman, you scared
me half to death!" Spike cocked his head when he noticed what she was
wearing—or more what she wasn't wearing. "Nice, um, little trench coat you
have there, pet."
Buffy gave him a wicked smile.
"I didn't think I needed to bother with clothes. Never seem to keep them
on around you anyway."
"I thought you weren't coming
back by until Thursday," Spike said, surprised he could talk with how dry
his mouth had suddenly become.
Buffy walked slowly to him,
kneeling down before his chair. "Riley went to play golf. He won't be back
for hours. I was bored." Buffy reached out to unzip him, but Spike stopped
her.
"Is that all I am to you?
Something to alleviate your boredom?"
"No! How could you ask me
that?"
Spike ran his hand through his
hair. "Buffy, I just…I just don't know what this means to you."
Buffy jumped up. "So what, you
assume that it means nothing?"
"No! It's just that,
dammit…" What Clem had suggested the day before kept replaying in Spike's
mind. "You're a married woman, Buffy. For all I know I'm just a
diversion."
"Is that what you
think?" Buffy asked angrily. "That I'm just bored with my marriage
and trying to get my kicks elsewhere? Maybe you figure I'm going to start
fucking the whole block, move right down the street from house to house. Mr.
Reynolds, the eighty-six year old widower, lives next to you, doesn't he? Tell
me, does he have a history of heart trouble?"
"That isn't what I meant! I
just… I know I'm more of a diversion to you, Buffy," Spike said, not sure
if he believed himself.
"You are," Buffy said,
walking back over to him. "You make me feel, Spike."
"You do the same for me,
pet."
Buffy sat in his lap, wrapping her
arms around his neck and laying against his shoulder. "It's been so long
since I've just done what I wanted to do," Buffy said softly as Spike's
arms went around her. Ever since I lost my mom, I've had to do everything for
someone else—for Dawn, for Riley. I had to give up going to school, give up any
dreams of my own. Anything I wanted I had to put on hold, had to give up to
make someone else's dreams come true. And being with you, well, maybe it's
selfish, but it's something I'm doing for me." Buffy let out a deep
breath. "It's what I want, what makes me happy. Sometimes I hate myself
for it, but I need to be selfish just this once. I was wasting away, Spike. I
felt nothing. Every day, it was like living in a fog, like I wasn't even here.
Sometimes I felt like I wasn't even really living my life. Like I was going
through the motions, but nothing meant anything. Nothing was real. But you, you
changed that. This thing we have, it's raw and heavy, and I can feel
everything. The pleasure, the pain, I feel it."
Spike was silent for a moment,
taking in what she'd said. Whether she meant to or not, Spike knew now Buffy
was still using him. It may not be only for a bit of fun when her husband was
away, but it was still for something. But he didn't care. He could give her
this. In such a short time, she'd come to mean so much to him, and he'd give
her this even if it hurt him in the end. He pressed his lips against her
temple, breathing in the scent of her hair. "I feel it too, pet," he
said softly.
Buffy looked up at him. Their eyes
met, and Buffy felt an almost physical jolt. "If eyes are the window to
the soul, then William's is beautiful," she thought suddenly. Buffy
shook the thought from her mind. She couldn't do this, couldn't let herself
fall for this man. She was Riley's wife—till death do us part. Riley
could give her the stability she needed to survive. But this eccentric writer,
with his penchant for peroxide, punk music, and black leather coats, could give
her what she needed to live. She kissed Spike, reveling in the flavor of
tobacco and liquor that she would never taste on Riley's lips. She pulled away,
giving Spike a tempting smile. "Am I distracting you from your work?"
she asked, nodding towards the computer screen. "Because I could go…"
She started to get up.
Spike grabbed her hips, pushing her
against him. "It's a welcome distraction," he said hotly.
"So I should continue
then?"
"Distract away."
Buffy turned so she was straddling him.
She unbuttoned the trench coat and shrugged it off her shoulders, showing Spike
that she was as naked under there as he'd suspected. Buffy reached for his fly,
her hand resting on the button. "You have something in there for me?"
she asked, looking up at him wide eyed. "It feels big."
Spike looked down at her, his eyes
dark and smoldering. "It is big for you, kitten. Big and hard."
Buffy felt a thrill go through her.
She loved the way Spike talked to her, the way he looked at her like he wanted
to consume her. It had been so long since she'd felt passion like that, trading
heat for the comfortable, safe love she shared with Riley. But this, this she
missed. She opened Spike's jeans, then scoot back, giving herself enough room
to lean down and take him in her mouth. Spike groaned, grabbing on to the arms
of the chair.
Buffy held on tightly to Spike's
thighs to keep herself from falling backwards, hollowing out her cheeks as she
slid up and down as fast as she could. Spike thrust into her mouth slightly, begging
for more, less, he wasn't sure. Buffy took in every sensation, loving giving
this to him. She pulled up, and Spike smiled down at her, stroking her hair.
That was another thing she loved about sex with him. It was never about
demanding, about what he could get out of her. He'd never tried to push her
down there when she didn't want to go, never tried to make her continue when
she was ready to stop, and somehow she knew he never would.
"You're so good at that,
pet," Spike said, cupping her cheek. "Such a gift to feel that pretty
little mouth on me. Thank you." Suddenly, Buffy's eyes filled with tears.
Spike looked at her, concern apparent in his features. "Buffy, did I say
something wrong?"
"No," Buffy said,
sniffing a little. "You said something right."
Spike wiped a tear off her cheek.
"I don't get it."
"With Riley, that's like a
war. He's always pushing my head down, just expecting me to do it whenever he
wants. I hate doing it for him. It's like a damn chore. But you, you thank
me."
"It's not like a chore with
me, is it, Buffy?" Spike asked. "Because if it is, then you don't
have to do it anymore, pet. I won't be offended." He winked at her.
"And I won't quit doing it for you, either."
"No, it's not a chore with
you. And that's why. You make me feel like it's something for both of us,
something we share."
"Everything's something we
share. I wouldn't want it if you didn't."
Buffy started crying again.
"You deserve something better than this thing with me, Spike."
"I don't want anything else. I
want you, pet." Spike lifted her slightly, positioning her over his
erection and then letting her slide down. Buffy stayed still for a moment, just
looking into his eyes. Then she began to move, rocking back and forth, sending
tiny shocks of pleasure throughout his body.
Buffy began to move faster, still
not breaking eye contact with Spike. He linked his hands behind the small of
her back, giving her more support. Buffy's hands roamed from his chest up to
his hair and back again, her fingers making Spike feel as if they were leaving
a trail of fire in their wake. Still, she held his gaze, and Spike couldn't
remember ever feeling anything so intense. The world seemed to telescope in on
them until all that was left was this one space in time, this one place. Buffy
and her deep green eyes that seemed to be looking right through to his core
were his whole world.
Buffy's movements got more frantic,
and Spike knew she was close. He began to raise his hips a little, pushing
further into her, knowing he wasn't far from the edge himself. Then, he was
there, and he realized so was Buffy. She never let her eyes stop being locked
with his, and Spike felt himself going with her to a place he wasn't sure he'd
ever been before.
Buffy collapsed against his chest,
trembling. Spike placed shaky kisses in her hair, holding her as tightly as he
could. "How long until you have to be home?" Spike asked.
"Not until late," Buffy
said. "Riley's gone all day when he plays golf. He says he goes out for
drinks with the guys afterwards." Spike reached down and refastened his
pants, then stood with Buffy cradled in his arms. "Where are we
going?" Buffy asked.
"Bedroom."
"I know I've said it before,
but I really mean it this time—I'm too worn out from that last time to go
again."
"I know. Me, too. I just want
to hold you."
Buffy smiled, pressing her head
against his chest as he walked with her down the hall. "Mmm. Holding is good." Spike laid her gently on the
bed before undressing and joining her. He pulled the sheet over the two of them
as Buffy cuddled up next to him, using his chest for her pillow. "I've
missed this so much," Buffy said, closing her eyes.
"Me, too," Spike agreed,
kissing her hair. Spike held Buffy as she drifted off, waiting until he knew
she was asleep. "I love you, Buffy Anne Summers," he said softly
before closing his own eyes.
***
*** ***
When Spike woke a few hours later,
Buffy's side of the bed was already cold. If it wasn't for the scent of her
perfume still lingering on the sheets, he'd wonder if it had been real or a dream.
He knew she'd had to leave in order to keep her husband from catching her gone,
but it still hurt to wake up alone after sharing a moment that made him feel so
close to her. He got out of bed and pulled on his jeans, walking into the
kitchen to look out the window. Their curtains were closed so he couldn't see
outside the house, but he could see Riley's car in the driveway.
The thought of Riley in there with
Buffy made Spike angry. Riley didn't deserve Buffy. She was a wonderful woman,
with such passion inside of her, and Riley didn't even know how to bring it
out. He thought about the conversation he'd had with her earlier about Riley
trying to push her into things she wasn't in the mood for and felt filled with
rage. That git who treated her like that got to be her husband, while Spike
who'd do anything to make her happy got only a cold, empty bed.
Spike picked a glass up from beside
the sink and threw it at the wall, enjoying just that small act of destruction.
He'd had a reputation once for being the kind you didn't mess with, and
although the years had tamed him, the fighter inside him still rebelled at
being forced to be kept subdued. He wanted to kill Riley, to tear the man limb
from limb, and then take Buffy to a place where nothing could ever hurt her
again. But he couldn't. He had to settle for being the second man in her life,
the one she only loved in the shadows.
Spike went to clean up the mess
he'd made, not even caring when he sliced his finger on a shard of broken glass.
The physical pain was a welcome distraction from the emotional kind. He knew
Buffy would never truly be his, and the thought ate him up inside. Despite her
obvious misery in her marriage, Buffy didn't want to leave it. She'd told Spike
that Riley was her husband, and she wasn't prepared to walk away completely
from that commitment.
"If only Dru had been that
loyal," Spike muttered to himself, bringing the bits of broken glass to
the trashcan. He froze, a realization coming to him. He didn't want Drusilla
anymore. As much as an emotional roller coaster his relationship with Buffy was
turning out to be, he wouldn't trade it for anything, even his ex-wife.
Drusilla had been his everything, his dark princess, and now, she'd been pushed
out of his heart by someone her opposite in almost every way.
"Oh Buffy," Spike said
aloud. "What have you done to me?"
***
*** ***
Spike spent all Thursday morning a
nervous wreck. He hadn't talked to Buffy since the few hours they'd stolen
while Riley had played golf. What if she'd changed her mind? What if Riley
hadn't left? Spike wasn't sure he could stand being away from her any longer.
When Spike finally heard a knock at
his door, he ran to it, stopping only once his hand was on the doorknob. He
took a deep breath, reminding himself that he was an adult and not some
desperate schoolboy. He opened the door, giving Buffy a slow, sexy smile.
"Here already?" he asked.
"As if I could stay away from
you." Buffy walked in, carrying a small duffle bag with her. "Hope
you don't mind that I brought a few things with me. I didn't really want to
have to leave once I got here."
Spike wrapped his arms around her
waist, pulling her close. "That's fine. I don't want you leaving either.
Although, I do hope you didn't waste your time and pack a lot of clothes."
He waggled his eyebrows at her.
Buffy's bag dropped to the ground
as Spike leaned in and kissed her. After a moment, Buffy pulled away, smiling
lazily at Spike. "Hmm…seems like someone missed me."
"You know I did, pet."
Buffy moved out of his arms, giving
him a wink. "Meet you in the bedroom." She took off, running towards
the hall.
"Minx!" Spike called
after her, running to catch up with her. She got to the edge of the bed, and
Spike tackled her, the two of them collapsing onto the mattress in a fit of
laughter. After a moment, Spike rolled with her, pinning Buffy beneath him with
her arms above her head.
"Now that you've caught me,
what are you going to do with me?" Buffy asked.
"Dunno. Maybe I should tie you
up so you can't escape again."
Buffy tried to make her expression
serious, though a small smile was tugging at the corner of her mouth. "You
better do that. Keep me from running away like a bad, bad girl."
Spike grinned down at her, the pain
he'd felt before melting away now that Buffy was back in his arms. She could
make him feel as if all was right with the world.
***
*** ***
"Tell me about Drusilla."
Spike froze. Why was Buffy asking
him about his ex-wife of all people? They'd just spent hours having amazing
sex, and now all he wanted was to lay there with her in his arms and bask in
the afterglow, not talk about the train wreck that was his marriage.
"Why?"
"I don't know, I just… How did
you meet her?"
Spike let out a deep breath. He
could tell from the look in Buffy's eyes that she wasn't just going to let this
go. Maybe he could make it quick and painless. "Do you remember the woman
I mentioned a while back, Cecily?"
"The one you wrote the poetry
for?"
"Yeah. I was at a party, and I
finally got the nerve to tell Cecily how I felt. She rejected me. Dru found me
afterwards, and I guess we just clicked."
"I dropped a book on Riley's
head."
"Excuse me?"
"That's how I met him. I went
to college for a bit, before my mom got sick. I was getting my textbooks, and I
dropped one on Riley's head." Buffy laughed, but there was no humor in the
sound. "Maybe I should've taken that as an omen and gotten the hell
out."
Spike wondered what brought on
Buffy's sudden need to talk about Dru and Riley. Was it some form of guilt or
was she simply commiserating with him on their failed marriages? Spike frowned.
But hers wasn't a failed one, not really anyway. She was still Mrs. Finn, and
she still wore his ring—though it had pleased Spike to notice she hadn't been
wearing it when she'd come over that afternoon. "Do you wish you
had?"
"Had what?"
"Gotten out then?"
Buffy paused for a second. "I
don't know."
Spike hadn't expected her to say
yes, but it still hurt when she didn't. However, what she said next quickly
made up for it.
"I wouldn't have met you.
Riley picked out our house, moved us in. If I hadn't married him, then I
wouldn't live next door to you, and we wouldn't have this."
"If I hadn't have married Dru,
I never would've moved to the States. She wanted to come here, not me."
"So without them, we wouldn't
have each other."
"Possibly. You believe in
fate, pet?"
"Fate? What about fate?"
"Maybe we were meant to meet.
Instead of meeting because of them, we met in spite of them. Like this was
destined."
Buffy turned her head away from
him. "I don't believe in fate," she said. "Just random events,
stringing together to form your life. Nothing destined about it."
Spike kissed the crown of her head.
"I don't put much stock in fate myself. Just musing."
Buffy turned back, snuggling close
to him. "I like this bit of randomness, though."
"Me, too," Spike replied,
running his fingers through her hair. "You're the best thing that's ever
happened to me, Buffy."
Buffy looked at him, startled.
"You have to have had better things in your life than this…"
"My life hasn't been all that
interesting, pet."
"I don't know if I believe
that," Buffy said, reaching up to trace the scar on his eyebrow.
"How'd you get this?"
"Knife fight in China."
"Knife fight in China? And
you're telling me your life isn't interesting. How'd you manage to get into a
knife fight in China?"
Spike blushed. "That's a long
story I'd rather not get into, kitten." He stroked her cheek. "Right
now, I'd rather just kiss you more."
"Mmm.
More kissing sounds good," Buffy said, craning her neck slightly to meet
his descending lips. Spike wrapped his arms tightly around her, and Buffy
forgot all about Spike's past loves and scars.
***
*** ***
Spike sat nervously on the other
side of the couch, watching Buffy as her eyes scanned the page she held in her
hand. He wasn't sure why he'd agreed to let her read what he had so far of his
novel, other than she had asked, and he couldn't ever seem to bring himself to
tell her no. Usually, he didn't let anyone read anything he wrote when it was
still this rough, but she'd looked at him with wide, pleading eyes, and he'd
found himself printing off everything he'd written as of yet, just because she
wanted it. Spike frowned. He'd sworn after Drusilla he'd never let himself be
love's bitch again, and yet, here he was.
Buffy had been reading for almost
an hour. Her facial expressions had changed from time to time, but she'd said
nothing, and Spike was growing nervous. What if she hated it? He usually didn't
take the opinion of one person too seriously, but where Buffy was concerned,
that rule changed. If she said it was terrible, he'd be tempted to delete
everything he had and start all over again.
Finally, Buffy looked up, setting
the pile of papers on her lap. "I like it." Spike smiled, relieved.
"But I don't like Charlotte," she added.
Spike's smile quickly dropped away.
"You don't like Charlotte? Why don't you like Charlotte?"
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know,
there's just something about her. Why does Jack like her?"
"Why wouldn't he like
her?" Spike asked. "She's gorgeous."
"That's not reason enough. I
mean, Jack's this cool detective guy. If he wants a girl just for her looks, he
can find one better than Charlotte."
"He's not just in it for her
looks! Charlotte speaks to his soul."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Lame.
Charlotte is trouble, and Jack should be smart enough to see it." Buffy
paused for a second, then announced. "I think Charlotte's the
killer."
"Charlotte is not the
killer."
"How do you know? She could
be."
"How do I… I bloody wrote
it!"
"Whatever. She seems like a
killer to me."
"Well, she's not. Why would
she kill her own brother?"
"I don't know...inheritance
money?"
"What inheritance money?"
Buffy sighed. "Maybe they have
a rich uncle or something, but since Max was older, he'd get the money, and
Charlotte wanted to prevent that."
"That's not in the
story."
"Well, it could be."
"No. There is no inheritance
money, Jack loves Charlotte, and she is not the killer."
"I think he'd be better with
Ellie."
"Ellie! She's the plucky sidekick,
not the love interest."
"They seemed like they had
chemistry to me."
Spike took the manuscript away from
her. "You don't know the first thing about writing."
"No, but I do know the first
thing about reading, and if I read this to the end, and Jack got with
Charlotte, I'd just go 'ugh.'"
"My writing makes you go
'ugh?'"
"It would if Jack ended up
with that bitch Charlotte."
"She's not a bitch.
She's…guarded."
Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Please. Total bitch. That part where she snapped at Ellie when Jack was
out of the office getting sandwiches was completely uncalled for."
"I'll admit she's snippy at
times, but…"
"At times! What about the way
she treated that valet. Totally uncalled for."
"She was upset!"
"Yes, an upset little
bitch."
"Can we talk about something
else?" Spike asked.
"I was just trying to give you
my honest opinion," Buffy said, noticing Spike's rapidly clouding mood.
"I liked it, though."
"Just not one of the main
characters," he muttered.
"Hey, you don't have to like the
characters to like something," Buffy said. "I've watched television
shows before and absolutely hated the
main character. Like Felicity. Boy,
was she ever whiny…"
Spike smiled a little at that.
"I'll keep in mind what you said about Charlotte, but I'm not guaranteeing
any changes…"
Buffy shrugged. "Your book.
But I still say Ellie and Jack are meant to be."
Spike rolled his eyes, knowing that
once Buffy got an idea in her head, nothing he said or did was going to make
her change it.
***
*** ***
If Spike made a list of his
favorite things to do, taking a bubble bath probably wouldn't be on it. But
with Buffy there with him, it made a quick debut near the top.
"I like your hair when it's
damp," Buffy said, stroking his chest with her foot. "Those curls are
adorable."
"You're just saying that
because you didn't see me when I was younger. First, I had a total Bozo the
Clown look, and then I tried brushing them out, which just made them all
puffy."
Buffy giggled. "I bet you were
still cute."
"Hardly."
Buffy moved forward, giving Spike a
quick kiss before using one finger to put a small dollop of bubbles on the end
of his nose. "Cute."
Spike wiggled his nose.
"Hey!" he said, wiping the bubbles away. "Watch it with
that."
Buffy slid to the other end of the
tub, giggling. "Aw, did I upset the big bad Spikey?"
Spike glared at her, but his heart
was leaping his chest. He loved seeing Buffy like this, happy and playful. Her
smile was the most wonderful sight in the world to him, and he felt like he
never saw enough of it. Spike came after her, resting his arms on either side
of her and pinning her in. "Careful, pet. This big bad might bite."
Buffy giggled again, but her hand
went up to her hair that she had carefully piled on top of her head before
they'd gotten in the tub. "I don't want to get my hair wet."
Spike leaned in, his lips against
her ear. "Then we better get some place dry in a hurry, because I'm not
sure how much longer I can be this close to your naked body and not ravage
you."
Buffy's entire body shivered.
"Dry…ravage…ravage good"
Spike got out of the tub, then
helped Buffy up as well. He picked up a big fluffy towel from the edge of the
sink and wrapped Buffy in it, rubbing her gently to dry her. Then he quickly
dried himself off before picking Buffy up and carrying her to the bedroom. He
lay her down on the bed, and Buffy pulled off the towel, letting his eyes roam
her body. Spike just stared for a moment, in awe of the golden goddess who had
taken residence in his bed.
"I'm feeling decidedly unravaged here," Buffy said after a moment, looking up
at him impatiently.
Spike smirked. "Guess we'll
have to fix that, then." He lay down beside her, carefully taking out the
pins she'd put in her hair, then running his fingers through it like a comb.
"You know I love this hair. So soft, thick. And the way it bounces when
you…" Spike gave her a look that made Buffy's entire body feel like it was
set afire. "S'not the only thing I love about
you, though. I love your skin, all smooth and tan. Not a bit of it's anything
but perfect. And your eyes…" Spike kissed each of Buffy's eyelids softly.
"Feels like they can look right through me. Course, there are other things
about you I'm rather fond of, too." Spike grinned.
Buffy reached up, tracing the line
of his cheekbone with her thumb. "Spike…I need you."
"Buffy…" Spike replied,
letting out a ragged breath. He kissed a hot trail down her body, reveling in
the salty-sweet flavor of her skin. Buffy sighed happily, burying her fingers
in Spike's hair as he settled between the apex of her legs. When he reached out
with his tongue, giving her a long, leisurely taste, Buffy cried out, her grip
in his hair become tighter. Spike smiled against her as he pleasured her,
thinking about how it hadn't been too long ago since she'd insisted that she
didn't like this. He was proud to be the first one to show her how good it
could be.
Buffy cried out in release, her
hips bucking wildly, her hands pulling his hair hard enough to hurt. Spike
moved up immediately, pushing inside her before her orgasm had subsided. Her
cries became screams as the feel of him suddenly filling her triggered another
orgasm right on the heels of the last one. She grabbed his arms, holding on as
he plunged in and out of her, making her see stars behind her eyes.
Spike collapsed on top of her, and
Buffy reached up with an unsteady arm, stroking the muscles of his back.
"So bloody perfect," he muttered, kissing the side of her face.
Reluctantly, he rolled over, lying on his back beside Buffy. Her body immediately
rebelled at the loss of him, and she rolled herself, setting against his chest.
"No one's ever made me feel
the way you do," Buffy said softly.
"Same to you, pet," Spike
replied, his hands gently threading through her hair.
"Not even Drusilla?"
Spike shook his head. "No. Not
even Drusilla."
Buffy smiled to herself. She hated
to admit it, but she was jealous of Spike's ex-wife, despite the fact that
she'd never met the woman. The way he'd spoken of her before made it clear that
she'd cast a shadow over his life, and Buffy couldn't help but wonder how she
compared to another woman who'd made such an impact on her lover. She lifted
her head just enough to kiss his chest, and then settled down again. "Can
we just freeze this moment?" Buffy asked. "Stay here, just like this,
forever?"
"Would if we could,
kitten."
Buffy took Spike's hand, entwining
her fingers with his. Whenever Riley held her hand, it felt like hers was being
engulfed, but with Spike, their hands just seemed to fit. Buffy frowned, pushing that thought away. She wasn't supposed
to be thinking about fitting with Spike, or being jealous of ex-wives. She was
just supposed to enjoy what they did together, and let herself feel for once.
"Good night, my
goldilocks," Spike said softly, kissing her hair.
"Good night," Buffy
murmured back, smiling at the feel of him still stroking her hair. It warmed
her heart to think of him, being so attracted to something as simple as her
hair. She had always been convinced that she could shave it off, or dye it
purple, and Riley wouldn't even notice, but Spike seemed to like her hair just
as much as any other part of her body. There was something endearing about
that.
Buffy smiled as she drifted off to
sleep.
***
*** ***
Buffy glared at the clock, cursing
Riley for being late. He was should've been home two hours ago, but he
wasn't—meaning she'd spent two hours at home that she could've spent with
Spike.
"Stupid late Riley,"
Buffy muttered under her breath, flipping through the channels. She sighed in
exasperation, shutting the television off. She wasn't waiting up anymore. She
was tired, and it wasn't like she really wanted to see Riley when he got home
anyway.
Buffy froze as that thought made
its way through her brain. Since when had she not wanted to see her husband?
Since she'd started spending every moment Riley was gone with Spike, that was
when. Buffy felt the guilt returning. Riley had always been a good husband. He
didn't deserve her not wanting to be around him just because she'd chosen to
start an illicit affair with her neighbor.
Buffy went into the bedroom and
changed into her nightclothes. She looked at herself in the mirror, not sure of
what she saw. She'd spent the past few years defining herself through Riley,
becoming completely immersed in the identity of his wife. But when she was in
Spike, her thoughts of Riley drifted away, and she became something else
entirely. It scared her, the thought of losing the stable life she'd let Riley
build for her, letting herself take whatever it was Spike was offering when he
looked into her eyes.
Was it love? Buffy's stomach
flipped at the thought, and she wasn't sure if it was good or bad. She couldn't
love Spike. She'd sworn to love only Riley, for the rest of her life. And Spike
couldn't possibly love her. It was just a fling to both of them. Hot now, but
it would burn itself out eventually. She tried to ignore how badly the thought
of no longer being with Spike hurt.
"No," Buffy said to her
reflection. "Love doesn't even enter into it."
Buffy climbed into the bed, closing
her eyes and dreaming that she could still feel Spike's arms around her.
***
*** ***
Riley left at four o'clock that
morning to drive to L.A. Buffy had told Spike that she would be over later in
the day, but after her husband left, she couldn't fall back asleep. At four
thirty, she got out of bed, slipped on her robe, and crept next door.
Buffy pounded on the door loudly
until Spike finally answered, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his eyes
bleary. His appearance reminded Buffy of when she'd come over not too long ago
to ask him for help with her car. "Hey."
"Buffy?" Spike asked
sleepily.
"Yeah. Riley's gone
already."
Spike glanced over at the clock.
"Isn't it kind of early?"
"I couldn't fall back asleep
knowing that I could be in your arms, but I wasn't."
Spike smiled. "Come on then.
Your half of the bed has been feeling rather cold."
Buffy smiled back, a thrill going
through her at the thought of it not being just Spike's bed, but hers as well.
Quickly, she forced that notion out of her head, feeling guilty for considering
any bed but the one she shared with Riley "hers." Still, she took
Spike's hand and let him lead her into the bedroom.
Spike got back into the bed with
Buffy quickly joining him, his arms immediately wrapping around her to hold her
close.
Now with Spike, Buffy had no
problem going back to sleep.
***
*** ***
Buffy lay on Spike's couch, channel
surfing, while Spike worked on his novel in his study. She knew that he had to
work, but still, Buffy was bored. She wanted him touching her every minute, his
body never too far away from hers.
"Anything good on the
telly?"
Buffy looked up to see Spike
leaning in the doorway of the living room, his arms crossed in front of him, his
head tilted slightly, with a look on his face that made Buffy glad she wasn't
trying to stand.
"No. And I thought you were
working."
"I needed a break."
"Hungry?"
Spike chuckled. "Something
like that. C'mere, kitten."
Buffy got up, walking to him slowly,
seductively. She stopped a little bit in front of him, reaching out to drape
her arms over his shoulders. "Do you want something?"
Spike's eyes darkened. "Yeah,
I do," he said, putting one arm around her waist and pulling her until she
was flush against him.
"And what would that be?"
Buffy asked, struggling to keep her voice from trembling.
Spike leaned down, pressing his
lips against her ear. "I want to fuck you," he said hotly, rubbing
against her.
Buffy whimpered, and Spike picked
her up, carrying her to the bedroom. He went with her down onto the bed, Buffy
moaning as he covered her body with his. She wrapped her arms tightly around
him, wanting to be as close to him as possible. She needed his body, needed him
to make her feel the way only he could.
"Buffy…I love you."
Spike's words hit Buffy like a
splash of cold water. She pushed him off her, scrambling to get off the bed.
"Pet?"
"What…what did you just
say?"
Spike almost lied to her, told her
that he'd said something else, or said that it had simply been a heat of the
moment thing, and he hadn't meant it. But he couldn't. Despite the fact he knew
from the look on Buffy's face that things were about to get ugly, he wasn't
going to lie to her about what he felt. "I said I love you."
"No. No, you don't. You…you
can't."
"I do."
Buffy turned away, not being able
to take the way he was looking at her. "No…"
Spike got up, taking her chin in
his hand and turning her face back to look at him. "No, look at me. I love
you. You're all I bloody think about, dream about. You're in my gut, my throat.
I'm drowning in you, Summers. I'm drowning in you."
Buffy pulled away from him.
"No! You can't love me! You can't! I…I'm married, Spike."
"This, with you, is wrong. I
know it. I'm not a complete idiot. You think I like having you in here? Do you
think I like loving you when I know I can't have you? When I say 'I love you,'
it's not because I want you or I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me.
It's you. I love you."
"You weren't supposed to love
me," Buffy said, starting to cry. "This wasn't supposed to be about
love. It was supposed to be about feeling."
"And I do feel something. Buffy, I…"
"No! Stop it!" Buffy
starting hitting his chest, sobbing. "Don't love me! You're not supposed
to!"
Spike grabbed Buffy's fists, and
she struggled for a second before slumping against him. "I'm sorry,"
he said, stroking her hair. Buffy started to relax against him, but then she
stiffened again and pulled away.
"I can't. I…I have to
go."
"No, please," Spike
begged. "I won't say it anymore. I'll just make you feel. I can do that,
Buffy. I can do anything you want me to. Just don't leave me, pet. Not like
this. Please…" Spike started to cry, but he didn't care. He couldn't take
her walking out on him.
"I just…I just need to be
alone right now. I'm sorry." Buffy ran out of the room.
Spike sat back on the bed as he
heard his front door slam. He didn't go after her. He simply let himself feel
his world fall apart again.
***
*** ***
If Willow hadn't been her best friend,
Buffy wouldn't have been there. But she was, and it was Willow's birthday.
Buffy had tried to be festive, but it was hard to do after what had happened
with Spike the day before. Instead, she sat alone at the dining room table,
listening to the sounds of happiness coming from the other room. She'd barely
slept that night, her body restless without Spike's nearby. But Buffy kept
reminding herself that he loved her, and she couldn't love him back.
"Buffy, are you okay?"
Buffy looked up sharply, pulled
away from her thoughts. "Of course, Tara. I'm fine. Why?"
"Well, the party's in there,
and you're in here. I thought something might be wrong."
Buffy gave Tara a small smile.
"I guess I'm just not in much of a party mood. I'm sorry."
Tara sat down across from Buffy.
"Is it that guy from the restaurant—William?"
Buffy paled. "I, um, what do
you mean?"
Tara looked down. "Maybe I'm
wrong, but I just thought that you two seemed like, um, a couple."
Buffy didn't want to deny it. She
was tired of the lies, the secrets. "Did you say anything to Willow?"
"No. I didn't know for sure.
Besides, it's not really any of my business. But Buffy, if you need anyone to
talk to…"
"I don't know what's wrong
with me, Tara," Buffy said suddenly. "It seems like the only time I
feel anything is when… Don't tell anyone, please."
"I won't. I wouldn't do
that."
Buffy talked softly, not wanting
anyone else to hear her. She wanted to talk to Tara, wanted to finally let out
the secret she'd been carrying with her. "I don't know how it got to this.
Riley's gone so much, and I found this woman's phone number in his pocket, and
I thought he was cheating. I slept with Spike then, but when I found out Riley
really wasn't cheating, I didn't stop."
"Spike?"
"That's William's
nickname."
"Oh."
Buffy sighed. "I thought it
could be just a little something, to make me not so lonely. I wanted someone to
touch me the way Riley wasn't, to make me feel something, like I used to before
my mom died. But now…" Buffy let out a small, choked sob. "He told me
yesterday that he loves me. I want to stop it now, but I can't. Why can't I
stop? Why do I keep going to him?"
"Do you love him?"
Buffy's lip trembled, and she
started crying, unable to answer Tara's question.
"It's okay if you do,"
Tara said. "Riley isn't around very much, and these things happen
sometimes. People meet someone else." When Buffy didn't say anything, Tara
added, "And it's okay if you don't. Things have been rough for you, and
you're…"
"What? Using him? What's okay
about that?"
"It's not that simple."
"It is! It's wrong! I'm wrong.
Riley's my husband, and I've betrayed him. Spike, he, he was innocent in all
this. I pulled him in, I let him fall in love with me, and now I've hurt him,
too. I never wanted to hurt him, Tara. He was hurting so much already, and now
I've gone and made it worse by being so selfish. Tell me I'm wrong,
please…"
"It's going to be okay,"
Tara said. "You're strong, Buffy. You can work through all this, and it
can be okay."
"Please don't forgive
me…" Buffy put her head down on the table. "Don't forgive me…"
Tara got up, wrapping her arms
around Buffy. Buffy slumped against her, crying as Tara stroked her hair,
comforting her.
***
*** ***
Buffy took a deep breath and knocked
on Spike's door. It was late in the evening, but Buffy was afraid if she didn't
do this now, she wouldn't be able to. She didn't want to, knowing it was going
to hurt both of them but she had to. She knew it would be better in the long
run.
Spike opened the door, looking at
her in surprise for a moment, before his expression setting back to one of
indifference. "So she's back."
"We need to talk."
"I figured. Come in."
Buffy and Spike stood in the living
room, staring at each other. After a moment, Spike broke the silence. "I
know what this is. This is you telling me…"
"It's over."
"Yeah."
Buffy closed her eyes for a second,
trying to build up her courage. She opened her eyes again, forcing herself to
look at Spike. "I do want you. Being with you makes things simpler. For a
little while…"
"I don't call five hours
straight a little while."
Buffy kept going. "I'm using
you. I can't love you. I'm just…being weak and selfish."
Spike moved a little closer to her.
He knew there wasn't anything he could do to change her mind, could see the
determination set on her face, but he didn't want to accept that she was really
ending it. She could use him. He didn't care, as long as he had her.
"Really not complaining here."
"It's killing me." Buffy
stopped, searching his face. The pain in his eyes cut through her, and she
couldn't tell if it was for her, or for him, or for the both of them. She
wanted to take him into her arms and hold him, to comfort him the way he had
her. But she couldn't. "I have to be strong about this. I'm
sorry…William."
Spike felt his heart shatter with
that one word. She hadn't called him William since the early days of their
friendship, and hearing it again just served to drive home the point that she
was really leaving. Buffy didn't wait for his response, only turning around and
leaving his house, shutting the door behind her.
***
*** ***
"Hey, Clem, it's Spike."
Clem frowned as he heard the tone
in his friend's voice on the other end of the line. "Hey, buddy, what's
up?"
"Buffy…she…she broke it
off."
Clem paused a bit. "Spike, I
know you don't want to hear I told you so, but…"
Spike sighed. "I know, I just.
I love her."
Clem didn't know what to say.
"I know."
"I deserve it."
"What?"
"The ache I feel now, I
deserve it. She was another man's wife. I…I had no right. I deserve every bit
of this pain."
"Spike, buddy, you don't…are
you crying?"
"No!"
"Oh," Clem said,
unconvinced. "It just sounded a bit like you were."
"Well, I'm not." Spike
was silent for a second. "Look, I'm gonna go. Sorry I bothered you."
"It's no bother. Hey, you want
me to come over?"
"No, I think I'm just going to
go out for a bit. Try to take my mind off things."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't do anything
stupid."
Spike chuckled. "I won't. Talk
to you later, Clem. Bye."
"Bye." Clem shook his
head as he put down the phone.
***
*** ***
Buffy walked around her house,
numb. She picked up pictures, looking at the bits of her life captured on film.
A high school dance with Willow and Xander. Dawn's first day of college. Her
wedding day. All these things had been her life once, the little pieces that
fit together to make her whole. But somewhere along the line they'd stopped
being enough. Even with everything she'd had, one piece had been missing. The final
bit, that made her alive, made her whole body sing. She'd found it once before,
when she was young, and now again with Spike.
Buffy looked at her wedding
picture, her mouth setting in a line of grim determination. If she needed that
in her life, then she was just going to have to get it from Riley.
Buffy went into the kitchen, taking
Riley's hotel number off the fridge. She needed to call him, to hear his voice
and have him remind her why this was the life she was choosing. She dialed the
number, not caring that it was already after midnight.
"Hello?" Buffy froze. The
voice on the other end of the line was female. "Hello? Who is this?"
"Is Riley there?" Buffy
asked, hoping that she had the wrong number.
"Riley, yeah, he's…wait."
The woman stopped, and Buffy could hear her talking to someone else, though she
couldn't make out what they were saying. "No, I don't know a Riley. You
must have the wrong number."
"Let me talk to Riley,"
Buffy snapped.
"I don't know who you're
talking about. Look, it's almost one o'clock in the morning. Watch your fingers
when you're calling someone this late." There was a click, and then a dial
tone.
Buffy set down the phone, her hands
trembling. It could've been a wrong number like the woman had claimed, but the
sickening feeling in her stomach told her otherwise. Still, if Riley was
cheating, and had been this whole time, then she remembered how easily he'd
lied to her when she'd found Sandy's number. Buffy had to see things for
herself, had to have tangible proof that he couldn't lie his way out of—and
that she couldn't convince herself wasn't real.
She picked up the phone again, this
time calling a number from the speed dial. "Yeah?" a tired voice on
the phone muttered after several rings.
"Graham, it's Buffy. Where's
Riley?"
"Buffy? Riley, he's, um, on
business in L.A."
"Where's he's staying?"
"Buffy, it's one am. Go back
to bed."
"Don't you dare tell me what
to do, Graham," Buffy snapped. "Tell me where my husband is right now
or I swear I will hurt you." Buffy wrote down the information as Graham
quickly spit out Riley's location. "Thanks. And one more thing. Don't you
fucking dare tell him I'm on my way. You got that?"
Buffy heard Graham swallow hard on
the other line. She'd never liked the man, despite the fact that he was her
husband's best friend, and if Riley had been cheating on her, then she was sure
Graham had known the whole time. "Yeah, I got it."
Buffy hung up the phone, grabbed
her purse, and left the house.
***
*** ***
Buffy walked into the hotel that
Graham had told her Riley was staying in. It was late, and she was pretty sure
she'd been awake for over twenty-four hours, but she didn't care. By this
point, she was running on pure adrenaline.
The lobby was empty save for the one
man sitting at the front desk. She approached him, resting her arms on the
counter. "My name is Buffy Finn. I'm…"
"Staying in 412," the man
finished for her. "Did you loose your key?"
"Um, yeah," Buffy said.
"Kind of embarrassing. I was out clubbing, and you know how things can
happen."
The man gave her a smile.
"Yeah, I do. But be careful, especially with your husband not with you.
L.A. can be a dangerous place."
Buffy just nodded. "So, can I
have an extra key?"
"Sure, just let me see some
ID. I've seen your husband, but I haven't seen you yet. It's for your own
safety."
"I understand," Buffy
replied, taking out her license.
The man checked the name on her ID,
then punched something on his keyboard. "Yep. Mr. and Mrs. Riley Finn,
checked into room 412 as of Thursday." He smiled at her, handing her a
keycard from the wall behind him as well as her license. "Here you go,
ma'am. Now I will have to charge you a lost key fee…"
"That's fine," Buffy
replied. "Thank you for your help."
"No problem. Have a good night,
er, morning."
Buffy smiled. "You, too."
Buffy's smile immediately faded as she turned and walked away, heading for the
elevator. She walked down the hall to room 412, opening the door as softly as
she could. The lights were off, but she could hear Riley's voice.
"Harder."
Buffy's anger was the only thing
that kept her from falling apart. The guilt, the pain she'd put both her and
Spike through on Riley's behalf had been for nothing. While she'd been fighting
what she felt inside, pushing away a man who loved her more than Riley had ever
even dreamed of, her "loyal" husband had been sleeping with god knows
what behind her back. She reached out and flipped on the light.
The couple of the bed stopped
suddenly. Riley sat up, pushing the girl off him and covering them both quickly
with a sheet. "Buffy!"
"Hi, honey, miss me?"
Buffy asked with a saccharine smile. "Who's this? Sandy?"
"Aphrodisia,"
the girl replied, glaring daggers at Buffy.
"Aphrodisia.
So there's more than one. Wonderful."
"Riley, who is this?" Aphrodisia asked. "I didn't agree to a
threesome."
Riley had the decency to look
embarrassed. "No, um, Buffy's my wife."
"Oh. Well, in that case can I
just take my money and go?"
Buffy's eyes bulged. "Money?
Riley, is she a hooker?"
"You know, I prefer the
term…"
Buffy whipped her head around to
face Aphrodisia. "I don't give a damn what you
prefer. I'd prefer you weren't fucking my husband. Now get out."
"I'm not leaving without my
money."
Riley grabbed his wallet from the
nightstand, quickly handing Aphrodisia several bills.
"There. Now get dressed and go. I need to talk to my wife."
"Whatever," Aphrodisia replied, taking the money. She got dressed and
walked out of the room, giving Buffy a snide grin as she shut the door.
Riley got out of the bed, the sheet
wrapped around his waist. He touched her arm. "Buffy…"
"Get your hand off me."
Riley's arm dropped to his side.
"I can explain. Just let me talk."
"Nothing you say right now is
going to make this better."
"I realize that. I don't expect…
I just need you to hear me out."
Buffy crossed her arms over her
chest. "Fine."
"I didn't mean for it to get
like this. It's just, something was missing between us, Buffy. You know it was.
There's never been a real burning passion in our love life. I'm not saying it
was bad, it's just, well, it wasn't everything it could be. You always held
back with me. You never gave me everything you have."
"So this is my fault?"
Buffy asked bitterly.
"It isn't your fault. It's
mine. I feel like hell for what I've put you through. But these girls…"
"Whores, Riley."
Riley sighed. "They made me
feel something, Buffy."
Buffy started a little at that. She
didn't like it, but she could understand. After all, she'd gone to Spike for
the same thing. But the way Riley had done it… "I can't. I can't hear
this."
"You need to hear this."
"Fine. Fine! Tell me about
your whores. Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't."
"Passion, Buffy. They'd lose
themselves in the moment, doing things I'd never dreamed of."
"For money, Riley. All they
wanted was your money."
"For our whole marriage,
Buffy, I kept waiting for you to really give yourself to me. I know you had
loved a man like that before. I remember how you'd talk about him, about Liam
Angelus…"
Buffy took a step back. "Don't
you dare bring Angel into this."
"Why not? He shadowed every
second of our marriage!"
"He did not! Dammit, Riley,
I'll admit I loved Angel once, but that was a long time ago."
"No. I could see the look in
your eyes every time you talked about him. And the way you looked at him when
he came back into town… You never looked at me that way. Not once."
"I've given you everything
that I have. I've given you my heart, my body and soul!"
"You say that, but I don't
feel it. I just don't feel it."
"Well, whose fault is that?
Because I'm telling you this is it, this is me. This is the package. And if
it's so deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere, then we really
have a problem."
"Buffy…our marriage means a
lot to me. It does. I love you."
Buffy looked into his eyes. He said
he loved her, but there was nothing reflected there. Not the way there had been
when Spike had said the same words. "I don't love you. Not anymore."
"Buffy, please. We can work
this out, make things better. We can…go to therapy."
"No. I don't want to work it
out." Buffy looked away, finally admitting what she'd known a long time.
"This marriage has been dead for a while now, Riley. It's time we just
bury it."
"Buffy…"
"No." Buffy took his
hand, dropping something into the palm and giving it a squeeze. She walked
away, and Riley looked down to see what it was.
Her rings.
***
*** ***
Buffy wanted nothing more in the
world than to drive back home to Spike and tell him how wrong she was. She knew
now with blinding clarity that she loved him. With him, she could have
everything she'd wanted—a home, love, passion.
Riley had been right about one
thing, there was something missing from their marriage. She knew it wasn't his
fault, and it wasn't hers, it was just something that wasn't there. But with
Spike, it was there. And it was the most wonderful thing Buffy had ever known.
But her body wouldn't let her go
anymore. Physically and mentally, she was exhausted, and she knew she'd never
make it back to Sunnydale in this state. She found another hotel to stay the
night in, one that wasn't tainted with Riley.
Buffy smiled to herself as she lay
in the bed. Tomorrow she'd go back to Spike, and they could start over, build a
real life together.
***
*** ***
"Spike! Spike!"
Spike woke slowly, Buffy's voice
pulling him from an uneasy sleep. He frowned, deciding he must've been dreaming
that she was calling for him.
"Spike, are you home?"
Spike sat straight up. Buffy was
there, in his house. He jumped out of bed, struggling to put on his jeans as he
ran out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Buffy was standing in the
hallway. She smiled when she saw him, then ran to him, throwing her arms around
him.
"Spike, I'm so sorry,"
Buffy said, hugging him tightly. "I was wrong. I love you, Spike. I love
you so much."
Spike pulled her back, holding on
to her arms as he stared at her, his expression one of shock and disbelief.
"You…you love me?"
"Yes. I know I didn't treat
you right before, and I'm sorry. But I do love you. I want to be with
you."
"And Riley?"
"It's over," Buffy said.
"I…I caught him in a hotel with a hooker last night. I don't know why I
ever tried to hold on to that. You're the one I want—the one I need."
Spike cupped Buffy's face in his
hand. "Pet, I…"
"Blondie Bear?"
Spike froze, then cursed under his
breath. How could he have forgotten about that…
Buffy looked up sharply, her mouth
falling open as Spike's bedroom door opened, and Harmony walked into the
hallway, wrapped in Spike's sheet. Buffy looked at Spike in disbelief for a
moment before her expression changed to anger. "Harmony? You slept with Harmony!"
"I…I can explain."
Buffy held up her hand. "No. I
can't believe you…with that skank!"
"Excuse me!" Harmony
yelled. "You're not going to let her talk about me like that, are you,
Spikey?"
"Harm…" Spike said, his
voice a warning."
"Spike… Make her go
away," Harmony said.
Spike closed his eyes for a second,
willing himself to stay calm. "Harmony, I need you to leave."
"What! Don't tell me you're picking
that over me. Do you have any idea
how much of a freak she was in high school?"
"I don't bloody care!"
Spike yelled, turning around to face Harmony. He tried to remember why bringing
her home had seemed like a good idea the night before, but couldn't. "Just
go."
"What, but…" Harmony
stopped, glaring. "I gave you the best…bunch of months of my life!"
She stormed over to Spike, holding the sheet to her with one hand as she used
the other to slap him. "I thought I could change you, Spike. I thought
maybe if I gave, and I gave, and gave, maybe you'd come around. Maybe be a
little nicer. Stop treating me like your dog. But now I see it's you. You're
the dog." She slapped him again, then went back to the bedroom.
Spike and Buffy stood in the
hallway, an awkward silence hanging between them until Harmony came back out of
the bedroom, dressed. She stood in front of Spike, smirking. "And you can
say good-bye to this," Harmony said, pointing to her behind, "because
you're not going to see it anymore. Ever." She started to walk away, but
then stopped. "Unless you run into me somewhere, and it's me, walking away
from you. But even then, I'll probably just, you know…back away." True to
her word, Harmony backed down the hallway until Spike couldn't see her anymore.
The backdoor slammed. Buffy looked
up at Spike. "How could you? Harmony?"
"How could I? In case you've forgotten, you're the
one who ended things."
"And you immediately jumped
into bed with her! I thought you
loved me…"
"I did…I do! I do love you, Buffy! This thing with Harmony, it was a
mistake. I was upset, I went out, and I ran into her. It wasn't planned, it
wasn't to hurt you, it just happened. I love you…"
"Then how could you with her!
I hadn't been gone any time at all!"
"What, you don't like the fact
that I wasn't sittin' in some dark corner, crying like a bloody baby? That's
right self-centered of you, pet."
"Oh no. Don't try to make this
about me. You're the one who was in bed with…that."
"I'm not Riley."
"What?"
"That's what this is about, innit? You catch Riley in bed with some two-bit tart, and
you come here and take it out on me."
"That is not what this is about. God, I can't believe you!"
Spike felt all the frustration he'd
been holding inside for his whole relationship with Buffy rising to the
surface. "Fine. I shagged Harmony, and I probably shouldn't have. I made a
mistake. I do that from time to time. But you left, Buffy. You said it was
over. You're the one who wanted to end it, not me. You walked out that door,
giving up any right you had to get pissy about what I choose to do with my
life."
"Get pissy? You think that's
all this is? You were supposed to love me!"
"And that was real convenient,
wasn't it?"
"What are you talking
about?"
"Am I supposed to believe that
you would be here right now if Riley hadn't proven himself to be less than a
boy scout?" Spike chuckled bitterly. "Hardly. You say you love me,
but you don't. You just want me to make you feel better after what Riley did
you—make you feel. I'm not going to
do it anymore. I'm not going to let you use me, just so you can dump me again
when you've got your fill."
"I'm not…" Buffy's mouth
snapped shut. "Fine. Have a nice life, William."
"You, too, Buffy."
Buffy walked out, ignoring the
sounds of things breaking that resounded through the house.
***
*** ***
"I guess I should just go and
start packing my things."
Buffy didn't look up as Riley
walked into the house. "That would probably be for the best."
"Buffy, I'm sorry."
Buffy sighed. "I'm sorry,
too."
"For what?"
"Sit down, Riley. We should
talk."
Riley sat in a chair facing Buffy,
but a bit of a distance away from her. "About what? I cheated on you, and
you're kicking me to the curb. What else is there to discuss?"
"Riley, you and I both know it
isn't that simple."
"Is this about legal stuff?
I'll pay alimony, no fight," Riley said.
"What? No! I don't want your
money, Riley. This isn't about that. I wanted…I want us to be honest with each
other, at least in this." Buffy took a deep breath, then let it out
slowly. "I wasn't completely faithful to you either." Riley started
to speak, but Buffy quickly added, "It was only one man. And…and it was
fairly recently."
"Oh." Riley looked away.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes. I do."
Riley glanced up just long enough
for Buffy to see the pain in his eyes before he looked away again. "Are
you going to be with him now?"
"No," Buffy replied,
pushing back the tears that sprung to her eyes.
Riley pushed his hair back from his
face. "I guess we really made a mess of this marriage, didn't we?"
"Yeah, I guess we did."
"Do you hate me, Buffy?"
Buffy thought about that question
for a moment. Did she hate Riley? "No. It hurts that you felt like you
could get something from those women that you couldn't get from me, but I don't
hate you. We've been having problems for a long time. Some of them were your
fault, some of them were mine. You were right when you said I always held back
with you. I didn't mean to, but I did anyway."
"I am sorry," Riley said
again. "For everything. I know I put you through a lot over the past few
years."
"We married too young,"
Buffy replied. "We weren't ready for this, hadn't lived enough to decide
what we wanted out of life. And you were also right, when you said Angel
shadowed this marriage, just not in the way you thought. I wasn't distant with
you because I wanted him. After that relationship, I was scared, worried what
would happen if I let myself lose control with you the way I did with him. I
thought that if I didn't, maybe I wouldn't get hurt. Looks like that plan backfired,
huh?"
"I guess there's no way we can
start fresh from here, is there?" Riley asked. "Give it a better shot
this time…"
"No. I'm sorry, I just
don't…love you enough for that. It'll be better for both of us if we just throw
in the towel now."
"I know. I just figured it was
worth a shot to ask. Um, there is one thing I wanted to discuss with you,
though."
"What's that?"
"Dawn. I know you said you
didn't want money from me, but I want to keep paying her tuition. Dawn means a
lot to me, and I can't stand the thought of her suffering because of my
mistakes."
"Our mistakes. But yeah, you
can do that. Dawn…will appreciate it."
Riley nodded. "I am sorry,
Buffy."
"I know. Me, too."
Riley stood, giving Buffy a soft,
chaste kiss before going to the bedroom to pack.
***
*** ***
"Uh…knock knock?"
Clem walked into Spike's house, surveying the damage around him. "Wow. It
looks like something really bad happened in here. Spike, are you okay?"
Spike looked up from where he was
sitting on the floor. "Hey, Clem. Remember when you told me not to do
something stupid?"
"Yes. What did you do?"
"Harmony."
Clem frowned. "Yeah, she is
pretty stupid. So what's with the destruct-o-rama?"
"Buffy came over this morning.
Harmony was still here."
"Ouch. Buffy didn't break everything
did she? Or Harmony…"
"No, that was me. Buffy left,
and I was…well, I didn't trash my house out of glee."
"I thought Buffy had already
broken it off with you."
"She did. But then she caught
Riley shagging some chit, and she came back. She wasn't too happy to find I'd
slept with Harmony last night…"
"I'm sorry, Spike. I…"
"You know what really hurts?
She seriously didn't love me. I was just a thing to her. Something to play
with. She got so mad about Harmony, so mad that I hadn't just pined away for
her when she left me. And I know she wouldn't have come back if she hadn't
found out the truth about Riley."
"I know it hurts, but maybe
it's for the best. I mean, look at what she's reduced you to."
"When she said she loved me,
she didn't mean it."
"Wait, she said she loves you?
When?"
"Right before Harm walked out
of the bedroom in a sheet."
"Did it occur to you that
maybe Buffy does love you? Maybe finding out her husband was cheating gave her
the jolt she needed to realize what she really had with you all along."
Spike looked up at Clem, his eyes
wide, vulnerable. "Do you really think…" Spike closed his eyes,
shaking his head. "No. She was using me. She said it enough before. I
can't keep… I can't…" Spike looked around at the mess surrounding him and began
to cry, his whole body shaking.
Clem stood there, staring at Spike
in shock. In all the years he'd known him, he'd never seen him this broken.
"Love's a funny thing."
"Is that what this is?"
Spike stood, wiping at his face. "I'll tell you what I need to do. Move.
Get out of this house and away from her. Don't even know why I stayed here
after Dru left. As if I liked living in Sunnyhell."
Clem frowned. "You're not
going too far are you?"
Spike ruffled Clem's hair.
"Don't worry. I won't desert you. Got some mates in L.A. Maybe I'll look
them up." Spike sighed. "I just need to get out of here. Not one
bloody good thing has happened to me since I came to Sunnydale. It's like I've
just been rotting away here. I need to get out, be back among the living, y'know?"
"You do what you have to,
Spike."
"I wonder if it'll even be
worth it," Spike said, leaning against a wall. "I'll probably just
find some other bloody woman to ruin my life all over again. All I've ever been
is love's bitch."
"Hey, come on now, Mr. Negative.
You never know what's just around the corner. Things change."
"Yeah, they do." Spike
gave Clem a small smile. "Would it be too much for me to ask for a little
help here? Something tells me a realtor won't exactly jump at the chance to
sell a place that looks like this."
Clem smiled back, just happy to see
Spike wasn't going to be as bad as he'd feared when he first got there.
"Sure thing, buddy. I'll be happy to give you a hand."
***
*** ***
Dawn stood in front of Buffy's
fireplace, looking at the pictures on the mantle. "You took down his
pictures."
Buffy looked up from her seat on
the couch. "Yeah."
"I think I would've done that
sooner. Like, boom! 'Don't want to see that face again.'"
"It wasn't like that. I was
never angry with him." Buffy smirked. "Okay, that's a lie. But it's
not like I don't want to see his face."
"It's just kind of a shock for
me, I guess," Dawn said, coming over to join Buffy on the couch. "I
mean, when I left, you guys were fine, and then when I came back, it was just
over."
"Things weren't really
fine," Buffy said. "We were pretending they were, but they weren't.
The end didn't come suddenly. I didn't realize it then as much, but looking
back, it was kinda gradual."
"Oh. Does that make it any
better?"
"No."
"Because you should've noticed
earlier?"
"Stop being insightful. It's
creepy." Buffy looked down at her hands. "It hurts in all kinds of
horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at him…in the way where I blame
myself…and in all the little ways I imagine how I could've fixed things."
"Buffy?" Dawn said after
a moment. "Was there someone else…for either of you?"
"For both of us. Well, lots of
someones for him."
Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Oh.
Who, um, was it for you?"
"Do you remember the guy who
drove us to the airport when my car broke down?"
"Spike? Hell yeah. He was
totally…" Dawn stopped. "You were getting your freak on with him?
Color me impressed, Buff."
Buffy cut her sister a look, but
there was a small smile on her face. "Yeah, Spike and I were together for
a bit, but that didn't work out either."
"Was it serious?"
"No, it… Yes, it was. I was
happier with him than, well, I've ever been before with any man."
"Then what happened?"
Dawn asked. "I noticed a for sale sign next door…"
Buffy tried to shrug it off, but
Dawn saw the pain in her sister's eyes. "It just didn't work out."
"Buffy, it's me—Dawn. You
don't have to pretend with me."
"I…I messed everything up with
him," Buffy said. "He loved me. Really
loved me. I could see it every time he looked at me, even if I didn't want to.
And he wouldn't have betrayed me either, not like Riley, or Angel, or…or even
Dad. But I kept pushing him away, until he wasn't there to push anymore. He…he
didn't even say anything. I just woke up one morning and saw the sign on the
lawn. " Buffy's voiced cracked, and she couldn't hold back her tears
anymore. "He's why I'm really hurting, Dawnie.
He loved me, and I…I loved him, too. I don't know what it was, but he found his
way into my heart. I feel almost guilty, now, because I feel like I should be
missing Riley, but I don't. It hurts that my marriage is over, but when I reach
out in the middle of the night, it's not for Riley. It's for Spike."
Dawn frowned, hating to see her
sister so miserable. "It'll get better—won't it?"
"I hope so. Yes. It has to.
I'll just keep going like I have been, and every day it'll get a little bit
better."
"Really? Every day?"
"Not really. But it'll be
better soon."
"Can you find him?" Dawn
asked. "Maybe tell him you're sorry, and that you love him. And he loves
you, too, so shouldn't it just be okay?"
"I wish it were that simple.
But I have no idea where he is. We didn't have any mutual friends, so it's not
like there's anyone I can ask. I've lost him. I have to just accept that. Move
on. Besides, even if I could find him, how could I even be sure that he'd
forgive me?"
"I guess you're right. But you
still wish you could find him again, don't you?"
"More than anything."
"Then maybe you
will—someday."
"Yeah," Buffy replied,
her heart heavy. "Someday."
***
*** ***
Spike had never cared for book
signings, but he didn't let it show. These people, as annoying as they could
sometimes be, bought his book, and therefore allowed for him to have a
comfortable life. And that's exactly what his life was. Comfortable. It wasn't
exactly happy, but he didn't feel like he could really complain.
Spike smiled, patiently signing the
book of every person who was there, even when he felt like his hand would fall off
if he wrote his name one more time. Finally, the line was gone, and he could
leave. He gathered his things, spoke to his agent briefly, and then walked
towards the exit.
"I told you Charlotte was the
killer. And Ellie and Jack are going to be quite happy together."
Spike froze. That voice… His ears
had to be playing tricks on him. He turned slowly, then blinked at what he saw,
afraid he'd fallen asleep during the signing, and he was dreaming.
"Buffy?" he asked softly.
"Hi."
"What…what are you doing here?"
"Do you believe in fate?"
Buffy asked, echoing the same question he'd asked her months before.
"Fate?"
"Yes—fate, destiny, whatever
you want to call it.. See, a funny thing happened yesterday at breakfast. My
divorce had just been finalized, and I was sitting there with my coffee and my
bagel, and I was wondering, what am I going to do now that I'm no longer a
married woman? So I open the paper, and there's an advertisement for this book
signing right here, in this very bookstore, today. And I figured I have my
answer."
"Your answer?"
"You. You're the answer to
everything in my life. You're who I want to fall asleep next to every night and
wake up next to every morning. You're who I want to laugh with, cry with, grow
old with. I love you, William. I love you more than I ever thought possible,
and I can't be without you any longer. I want you, I need you—I love you."
Spike stared at her for a moment,
trying to process what he'd just heard. "So you just come here and think
you can win me back with sweet talk? I'm not just going to let you whack me
back and forth like a rubber ball. I've got my pride, you know."
Buffy tried not to let her pain at
his words show through. "I understand," she said, turning to walk
away.
Spike quickly jumped in front of
her, stopping her from walking off. "Clearly, you don't, because the whole
'having my pride' thing was just a smokescreen."
Buffy sighed in relief. "Oh,
thank god."
Spike moved closer, almost touching
her, but not. "I don't know what I would've done if you'd walked away."
"I don't know what I would've
done if you'd let me."
"So this is for real,
then?" Spike asked. "This isn't you using me again—this is really you
wanting me."
"Yes. This is real. We're
real. I need you in my life."
"I need you in my life, too. I
love you."
"I love you, too."
Spike smiled down at her, and Buffy
felt as if she could fly. "So, how are we going to work this out?"
Spike asked. "I mean, I assume you're still in good old Sunny D, and I'm
in L.A. these days, so…"
"Spike?"
"Hmm?"
"A mere difference in towns is
not about to keep me away from you.
Can't we sort through logistics later? Right now you have more important things
to worry about."
"I do? Like what?"
"Like how badly I'm going to
hurt you if you don't kiss me."
"Still the bossy little bint,
I see."
Buffy put her hands on her hips.
"You know, I asked a British friend of mine what that meant, and it is not a very nice thing to call me."
Spike smirked. "Better make
you forget I said it then."
Spike pulled Buffy into his arms and
kissed her.
***
*** ***
That's all she wrote, folks! Let me
know what you thought of my first completed Buffy fic!