"Waell, ma’am, I ain’t quite sure where ta start, ya know? I suppose it all started when Jim Bobby drove my brand-spankin’ new tractor over here and parked it in the corn field so’s we could jist look at it. Boy, it sure was a beaut’. Red paint ‘n--oh, right. Um, so’s we’s--I means Jim Bobby, the missus, an’ I-- was jist sittin’ there drinkin’ some Buds when BAM! There was this big ol’ light in the sky, like the newspaper always say happens when one of those alien things--er, OFUs, yeah, that’s it!--buzz honest folk. Then these four critter jist fell outta the clear blue sky! Right scared the bejeezus outta the missus, and Jim Bobby lit outta there like a cow with its tail on fire! Waell, I walked over and looked at the critters. I was curious, ya see. Ain’t never seen no aliens before. And iffin they weren’t the biggest darn animals ya ever did see! Why, that cat looked almost big ‘nuff to put in one of them city zoos! I ran ta get a can of bug spray when I saw the size of that wasp, but when I got back, the missus was cuddlin’ it and sayin’ how it was cute! She’s always got that soft spot for dumb critters. Why, one time she--oh, sorry, ma’am. Anyways, the big crab had lit after my dog Ruffus by that time, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it! I left to git myself a big ol’ mousetrap for the big vermin, but I dinna think it’d do much good. The darned thing looked like it was made outta metal, or sumethin’. Maybe it was alien techno-stuff? Or maybe--sorry, ma’am. So’s like I was sayin’, I got back with the mousetrap ta see the rat meddlin’ with my new tractor. Iffin there’s anythin’ I can’t stand, it’s critters messin’ with my farmin’ equipment! I grabbed myself one of the missus’s garden rakes and plum went loco on that rat! I was smackin’ the thing around, and then it went and did...I dunno what it did, but suddenly it weren’t no rat, anymore! Looked sorta like one of them robots the newspaper printed a picture of a couple weeks ago, ya know, the one’s who helped the aliens abduct Elvis? Only a smalla version. It was only ‘bout waist height. Huh? Whaddya mean what newspaper I read? The National Enquirer, a’course! But anyways, that’s when I KNEW I was dealing with aliens. I heard Ruffus howling sumethin’ awful up behind the house ‘round then. So’s I run over there, and ma’am, it was terrible! Looked like someone gone and slaughtered a pig, but it was Ruffus! That crab critter was gone, and another one of them alien robot things was standin’ there, holdin’ my dog’s--ma’am, are you alright? Are you supposed to be hissin’ like that? Waell, sure I’m sure it was the crab who disappeared! One of them mini-alien-robot freaks was sittin’ there tearin’ ‘part my dog when I--ma’am, are you sure you’re fine? I ain’t never heard a little lady like you GROWL before! My missus could--okay, as long as you say so. Eh, where was I...oh, right. So’s I take the missus’s rake to the alien robot, and he jist laughed at me! But I’s whacked him a good one, an’ he goes runnin’ ‘round the house and back towards the other robot and critters--The cat, ma’am? Oh, it’d found the saucer of milk the missus puts out for the barn cats and was happy as a fox inna henhouse. The missus was still holdin’ that big ol’ wasp, but that little alien robot had gone back to putterin’ with my tractor! So’s I was running after the other robot, and he’s jist a laughin’ while he goes towards the other alien robot. The rat-robot looked up from pokin’ in my tractor right ‘bout then and goes, ‘Oops.’ Next thing I know, the darn tractor blows up! I was knocked flat on my back, and I sits up, thinking ‘bout alien death rays an’ all that. I looked, and HOT DANG! My brand new tractor was gone! Now the missus had been blown offa her feet, but she was okay and raisin’ the dead with her yellin’. That rat-robot seemed like it’d been knocked flyin’ and landed in my barn, but the other alien robot--ya know, the crab one-- got hit pretty bad. His whole side was fried pure black! I was jist sittin’ there staring--I really liked that tractor!-- when you pulled into my driveway, ma’am, and suddenly that crab-robot was gone, and instead that little kid was there instead! I swear, the aliens musta come and got their robots and critters, and left somma those ‘abductees’ in their place. There was those four kids insteada them, and the missus was tickled pink to be holdin’ that cute little whippersnapper inna her lap! It was kinda strange, though, that the little kid had allu’ those burns on his side, jist like that crab-robot. Ya’ll sure you won’t let the missus take a look at those? Oh. Weall, I still have the missin’ tractor to show when them newspaper people git here! Huh? Yur not gonna stay? But I’m sure they’d like ta talk to the chilluns! Ya’ll sure? I’d like ta talk to that brother of yurs ‘bout your car sometime, iffin ya’ll come ‘round here ‘gain. Okay. I better go bury poor ol’ Ruffus now, anyways. Wish I coulda smacked that crab-alien-robot a couple more times with the missus’s rake--uh, ma’am? Could you stop doin’ that with yur face? Yur scarin’ the missus...alright, goodbye! Drive safe, ya’ll! Look out for them aliens!"

I walked out of Farmer Joe’s house after erasing the evil smile from my face. I felt bad about not paying for the damages, but I had a feeling Joe would be getting enough money from the National Enquirer’s photographers. The explosion from the tractor was...quite impressive. And from what I had seen of the remains of Farmer Joe’s poor dog...

Next to The Beast, my brother Rolland was using the farmer’s garden hose to spray off Rampage. The Predacon was sputtering and coughing, but most of the burnt paint and soot was coming off of him. Injuries that should have been extremely painful were only mildly annoying by now, as Rampage’s healing abilities kicked in. Rolland didn’t want any of the burnt paint coming off in the van, though, so he had demanded the Predacon get cleaned off.

I ignored them and got into the passenger side of The Beast. I sighed and leaned my head back against the headrest. "Okay, what happened?"

Cheetor and Waspinator wisely stayed silent. Well, maybe not so wisely. Farmer Joe’s wife had stuffed their hands full of cookies before letting them get into the van, and they were putting the sweets to good use.

Rattrap shifted uncomfortably, wincing as the scrapes from his landing in the barn reminded him not to do that. "We just wanted ta get back ta da house..." he said miserably.

I groaned and let my head fall forward into my hands. "Let me guess: you asked TIM to help you."

It was barely a whisper. "Yeah."

Why, oh why, did my computer have to be so evil? "So you walked through the portal he made, and you ended up here." Why OHIO, of all places? I didn’t think there was any particular reason behind TIM’s choice, but who knows? Maybe the computer just wanted to annoy me to death...it certainly had done quite a lot towards that goal so far. Driving out to Ohio after TIM had consented to tell me where Rampage, Cheetor, Waspinator, and Rattrap had disappeared to did NOT rank high on my list of things I had wanted to do today.

"Yeah..."

Some of my anger dissipated. Okay, so it wasn’t their fault they had ended up here. However... "And why exactly did you start taking apart Farmer Joe’s tractor?"

Rattrap stared at his hands. I know because I saw his reflection in the windshield. "I was curious," he admitted finally. "I’ve never seen a tractor! And I honestly didn’t think it was a gas line..."

I groaned. "Don’t you know curiosity killed the cat?" Cheetor looked up indignantly from his cookies, but I just looked at him. He shrugged and looked away. "And other creatures," I amended.

Before Rattrap could answer, the door opened and Rampage climbed into the van. Rolland got into the driver’s seat and started The Beast while the crab settled into a seat. I waited until we had pulled out of the driveway and onto the dirt road before speaking again.

"Rampage, I hearby sentence you to five hours of Barney tapes for killing Farmer Joe’s dog."

"WHAT?!"

I turned in my seat and glared at him. "And a week of pet-duty...supervised by Depth Charge." The Predacon stared at me in shocked horror as my punishment sank in. Pet-duty was basically taking care of my pets; walking the dog, brushing the cats, feeding the pets, cleaning up cat barf when Georgia puked the food back up, feeding the pets again, cleaning up if Lusha forgot she was supposed to be housebroken, feeding the pets AGAIN...none of the Beast Warriors liked it, so I usually did it all, or just assigned day-long shifts.

"But--"

"You honestly didn’t think I wouldn’t be angry, did you?" I smiled. Rampage gulped and cowered in his chair. How could he have thought I wouldn’t find out about his killing Ruffus?! "I have never had better evidence for your lack of intelligence," I said disgustedly. I glared at Rattrap, not wanting to leave him out for blowing up the tractor. "That includes you. I swear, HASBRO sent me a bunch of brainless idiots to babysit!" I spun back around in my chair and folded my arms angrily. I HATE it when animals are hurt! "I wish aliens really HAD come to take you away!" Where were the Vok when you actually needed them?!

No one said anything else for the rest of the trip home. I wasn’t in any sort of mood to talk. My tolerance for certain metallic morons had been used up. Hmmph. And I bet there’d be an article in the National Enquirer, detailing Farmer Joe’s close encounter with the ‘aliens’ currently traveling back home with me.

Farmer Joe was lucky. He only had to stay around them BRIEFLY...

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