TO: HASBRO Headquarters
FROM: Dr. D. Ranged.
MESSAGE: A Report
 

After much debate and study (documentation of study follows), we HASBRO scientists have discovered an entirely new species of being on this planet. Many of them resemble humans, but some of them have matured or evolved into beings that bear no resemblance. Naturally, there was a lot of controversy surrounding our discovery. Were we sure it wasn’t just some strange disease that had infected regular humans? Our study contained elements to test that. Perhaps these beings are only mentally ill humans? Again, the HASBRO study tested that. Do these beings have habits and behavior that would classify them as a separate species? The answer, fascinatingly enough, is yes. And so, this HASBRO study has identified these beings for further study, or, as the possibility is being explored now, attempted extermination of the species using a show called ‘Beast Machines’.

But that can be brought up again, later. Meanwhile, these beings have been grouped under one identification name: ‘BWobsessedicus extraordinairre’. There are three genuses grouped under this species, but classification of each individual being is blurred. Many start out as one genus, but mutate, mature, or evolve into one or more of the others! Some stay as one type constantly, or they MME into one or more of the other genuses only briefly. There is also the occasional ‘BWobsessedicus extraordinairre’ that somehow turn into ‘Homo sapiens’! Sometimes the beings actually start their lives seemingly as ‘Homo sapiens’, but a certain television show, known as ‘Beast Wars’, a production by HASBRO, often triggers the change into a ‘BWobsessedicus extraordinairre’.

The first of the genuses has been classified as ‘BWfanficartien readeritus’. Many, if not most, of ‘BWobsessedicus’ start out in this genus. These beings enjoy looking at the fruits of the other two genuses’ labor: ‘fanart’ and ‘fanfiction’. Occasionally they communicate with the other two genuses through ‘feedback’, which apparently is very appreciated. Curiously enough, the other two genuses often join their fellow genus in looking at ‘fanart’ and ‘fanfiction’, further confusing the division between the genuses.

The remaining two genuses can also be one and the same: ‘BWfanficien authoritorius noprofititus’ and ‘BWfanartien artistoruis noprofititus’. ‘BWfanficien’ write ‘fanfiction’, and ‘BWfanartien’ do ‘fanart’. However, they often do both, which makes it exceedingly hard to classify them. In fact, all three genuses can hardly be told apart except that sometimes a ‘BWfanficien authoritorius noprofititus’ doesn’t do any artwork, or a ‘BWfanartien artistorius noprofititus’ doesn’t write, or a ‘BWfanficartien readeritus’ doesn’t write OR draw.

HASBRO is also studying the possibility of a fourth genus, ‘BWwebsiteien ownerius noprofititus’, but that genus is even more indistinct.
 

The following is the documentation of this HASBRO study.

The Documentation

I am Dr. D. Ranged, the scientist in charge of HASBRO’s newest research project. I will be writing this documentation based on the study as I saw it. The subjects of the study and the events caused by those subjects may seem strange, but I am reporting what I saw faithfully. I spent much of the time assigned to the project in the security room, watching what the security cameras recorded. In that, I was lucky. My fellow colleagues had to go among the subjects, and their fates will also be written down--

“Or not.” I smiled as several of my fellow escapees hauled Dr. D. Ranged away to an unspecified fate. Blackstorm and Dragon especially looked happy. I didn’t ask; they didn’t tell.

I never DID see the good Doctor again. Not that I’m complaining or anything...

“How much do you think he got sent out?” Sphinx asked from where she was perched on a chair eating tuna fish. She easily evaded Sarge Abernathy’s hands as he reached for ‘Wilbur’. Don’t ask me why he thought she was Wilbur at the moment. A couple of minutes ago it had been a chair. Before then, one of the Doctor’s assistants (HE hadn’t been too happy!). I think it has something to all of the drugs they had him doped up on during the study.

Ivyna J. Spyder looked up from the computer with difficulty (after a week locked up in a room while HASBRO studied us, her Internet addiction was making it hard to think beyond the fact that the computer had Internet access). “Not too much. Just the results, not the study itself.”

Most of us breathed a sigh of relief. HASBRO’s study techniques weren’t that bad, really, but abducting us and studying us had probably produced some interesting material for the study documentation. Personally, I would be forced to block the documentation from small children just for my part. I didn’t want to think about the more violent people’s portions of the study. I already knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my stomach down for Blackstorm’s part (that gutting sword is VISCOUS), and what I had been able to hear through the locked door of my room indicated that QueenZerg had a rather gory imagination that I wouldn’t want to know about in more detail.

A small (relatively) green dragon looked up from where she was chewing on something she had gotten during the break-out (it’s one of those don’t ask things again...) and transformed to her humanoid mode. Smiling, Shifter swallowed something and laughed. “Party time?”

A whoop of joy came from outside the room, followed closely by the bat-winged transformer who had made it. “Par-TY!” Darkheart yelled. “Finally!”

The falcon perched on top of the computer sighed. “I take it that there aren’t anymore HASBRO personnel in the compound?” she asked resignedly.

The local Rampage obsessive picked her teeth with one of her talons and grinned nastily. “Or around it.”

Kchana came bounding into the room and giggled as she caught the last part of the conversation. “Don’t worry, Flyby!” she reassured the falcon. “Frank won’t let anybody hurt the scientists!”

Flyby shifted uneasily. “I’m sure one of the voices in your head is going to do a LOT up against the people in this room.”

I intervened before Kchana could do more than huff over the insult to her voices. “Where’s JEDI?” I asked the room in general. Everybody looked up from their various conversations and glanced around.

Sphinx shrugged. “She must have really gotten that dimension-jumping device from HASBRO. I don’t smell her or anything.”

“Me neither,” Darkheart put in.

“Or me,” added Shifter.

“I didn’t see her anywhere.” “I didn’t either.” “Whee!” Sarge said as he reeled back into the room on Blackstorm and Dragon’s heels from wherever he had been wandering. He immediately decided that Cosmo the Walrus needed help and set out to bring him out of the catatonic state he had been in since the group therapy session that had brought about his psychotic break-down. None of the rest of us paid any attention.

“Brian says--”

“That’s nice,” the rest of us mumbled automatically. Kchana gave us a dirty look, but we ignored that, too.

Ivyna J. Spyder was staring raptly at the computer screen. “Guys...you might want to take a look at this.”

“Hmm?”

“What?”

“Hey, let me see!”

“Outta my way!”

“Watch where your hands are!”

“Pervert!”

“Be careful with that gutting sword!”

“Eek! My tuna fish!”

I watched the fight starting and decided to stay out of it. Everyone eventually straightened things out, and I weaseled through the crowd to look at the screen with them.

We read the report in thoughtful silence.

“Beast Machines, hmm?” someone drew out.

“We’ve got to stop this,” someone else said.

“No party?” half of us whimpered.

“No party,” the other half sighed.

“Slag.”

“I’m out of tuna fish, anyway,” Sphinx said philosophically.

QueenZerg drew herself up. “So...how do we get back?” When no one said anything, she snarled at us. “Hello?! We have to get home to stop this menace!”

“I can fly,” Darkheart said thoughtfully.

Flyby, Blackstorm, and Shifter opened their wings in wordless demonstration of their own ability.

Which left the rest of us. Humans AND transformers.

“Well,” I started slowly, “we still have the cars HASBRO used to kidnap us, right?”

Dragon smirked. “I only slashed the tires on the ones the scientists tried to escape in.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“There’s two left.”

“Ah.” I surveyed the strange assembly and gathered my courage. “I can drive legally, now. Anyone else?”

Hands went up.

“Legally?”

Hands went down. There was one left up.

“Are you sure, Sarge?”

Sarge Abernathy nodded and smiled loopily.

“Oooooookay...”

Thereafter followed something that HASBRO was lucky it never studied. I’m not going into details; use your own imagination. Trust me, it can only be better than the truth. Let’s just say that the policeman who pulled me over will never be the same. I’m not going to mention what happened to the OTHER car...heeheehee...

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