Have you ever been to a place

Between the real world and the Net?

Well, I had never been there...

or should I say, yet?

I yawned and stretched, staring at the computer screen in front of me. A half-finished fanfic stared right back at me. Hmmm, I was bored with this. How about I work on a different fic for now?

‘Yes!’ some of the voices in the back of my head clamored.

"Shaddup."

‘No!’ the characters for the fic I had just abandoned yelled.

"You too." Okay, this was getting REALLY annoying. All the fanfic characters for every fanfic I’ve ever written or thought about writing were living inside my skull with me, and I was about to go stark raving mad! They all wanted me to write, and I just wanted them to leave me in peace!

Unfortunately, there was nowhere for them to go. If there was only somewhere I could stick them...

I yawned again. Ooo, I should check my e-mail. Then the character wars in the back of my head might quiet down. I clicked on the little online icon and stared at the sign-on screen tiredly. The little blinking cursor was almost hypnotizing. Funny how I had never noticed that before...

Reality suddenly spun DOWN and to the RIGHT.

"What the..?" This was NOT my house. In fact, I’d go as far as to say this was nowhere I’d ever been.

A small haze of gray fog was misting the road in front of me. Tall, straight trees lined both sides of the old gravel road. The silence was almost complete, the fog muffling my exclamation of surprise. It should have been scary, but...it wasn’t. No, it just felt empty. And this was DEFINITELY not my house.

With nothing else to do, I started walking down the road. Pretty soon it passed by a little parking lot in front of an old building. There was a rusty old pole in the ground in front of it, which I assumed was meant for some sort of sign. The building itself just LOOKED abandoned. I mean, I knew without even opening the door that there was no one home.

Kind of a cool old building, though. It had a wide front porch with a swinging seat that looked like it was in good repair. There was one huge entrance in front, with these really neat double doors that opened to reveal a couple of screen doors inside them. That would be nice if it got really hot inside. There were a couple of windows along the sides, and a plain back door.

After I had poked around outside for a while, I dared to go inside through the front doors. The inside was...weird. The place must have been some sort of restaurant/bar before being abandoned, I decided. There was a long bar along one whole side of the huge main room with lines of shelves on the walls for bottles of drinks and stuff, and the rest of the room had a bunch of tables with chairs stacked on top of them. The wall opposite the bar had several cubbyholes with booths for privacy. Across the room from the entrance where I was standing, there was a swinging door.

I picked my way through the tables towards it, my curiosity driving me. I noticed that dust bunnies were running rampart all over the place and were in danger of mutating into dirt devils. What a mess!

When I peeked through the swinging doors, my eyebrows rose. This must have been the kitchen. Or rather, it appeared it still was. The place was spotlessly clean, and there was a pie sitting on the oven.

"Hello?" I called cautiously.

"Come on in, dearie," chuckled a voice. I turned to see that an old woman was sitting at the table on the other side of the kitchen. "Old PC won’t hurt you."

I blinked at that as I came through the doors. "PC?"

She smiled kindly at my confusion over her name. "Yes, I do mean that as in ‘Personal Computer’." She giggled as I started to back away warily. "Oh, don’t worry Lady Dementia."

I stopped. "How did you know my name?" I asked suspiciously.

PC sighed. "I represent some of the kinder computers in this world, Lady Dementia," she said without answering my question. "We know that you are the only one keeping TIM’s evil intentions in check--"

"Er, no, actually it’s HASBRO who’s doing that," I interrupted her.

She nodded. "Very well. But we computers find that it is our best interest to keep you sane."

"Good luck."

PC rolled her eyes. "Functionally insane, then."

"Oh. Okay."

The old woman/Personal Computer got up from the table and hobbled past me and through the swinging doors. I followed her as she kept talking. "So, we computers have created this world for you, and others like you. It’s a subreality; not really a different dimension. It’s only a corner of the Internet that is...more real than just data."

I thought that over. "So what does this have to do with me?"

She smiled over her shoulder. "This building is yours, Lady Dementia. Do with it what you will." With that, she walked out the front doors and...disappeared.

Leaving me behind to deal with the mutant dust bunnies and confusion. What fun.

I looked around at my new property and wondered when I was going to wake up. I gave up that hope when I pinched myself and nothing happened. Okay, so how was THIS supposed to help keep me, um, ‘functionally insane’? The only thing I could think of was that I could turn it back into a restaurant/bar, eat the pie, and get drunk.

Somehow, I just didn’t think that’d help me.

Grrr...how about I think this through? "Sometimes thinking out loud helps."

‘Novel concept,’ someone said from the back of my head.

"I thought I told you to shut up." Anyhow... "PC said the computers created this place for me and ‘others like me’. What’s that supposed to mean? And since when do computers help me?" I mentally puzzled that over. "Well...maybe the ‘others like me’ relates somehow to Beast Wars. Beast Wars fanfic writers?" I might as well start there. I didn’t have any other bright ideas.

"So...what’s so great about this building? How is it going to help BW fanfic writers?" I couldn’t see how an old, abandoned restaurant/bar was going to help anyone.

‘You know--’

"Shut up."

‘Hey--’

"Shut up!" I pressed my hands to my head. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

‘We just want to help,’ one of the voices said in a small voice.

I snarled. "You can help by getting out of my head or leaving me alone, for starters!"

"Okay."

I swayed, looking up at the version of Rampage I had woken up in bed with in my fic ‘A Dream or Nightmare’. "R-Rampage? How..?"

He reached out and hugged me. I resisted for a second, then snuggled into his arms. You know, if this was a dream, I didn’t want it to end...

"It’s not a dream," Depth Charge sighed from across the room. I stared hard at the ray-bot sitting in a chair with his feet up on a table until I identified him as the Depth Charge who belonged to my ‘Overdose’ series. "It’s the Internet."

I blinked at him owlishly.

He shrugged. "This is a reality that’s half-computerized. That means you can exist at the same time WE can."

"Oh. My. Insanity," I whispered. I turned around slowly in Rampage’s arms, looking around the room. BW fanfic characters were everywhere, and for once, I was alone in my skull...except for all those ideas that weren’t BW, of course.

A slow smile spread across my face as it occurred to me what this building could be, and what I could do with it.

Everyone flinched, and I scowled. "Cut that out!"

I stared at the half-finished fic on my computer screen and sighed. Hmmm, I was bored. And I REALLY wanted to finish this fic, too, so I couldn’t just go write another fic! GAH! I hate writers’ block! Especially on Saturday nights! This was usually a very good writing time for me!

I drummed my fingers on the keyboard as I grumbled to myself. I paused as one of those thoughts running through my head finally registered. Saturday night. And on Saturday nights, it was the unofficial gathering time for my characters...

I clicked on the little Internet icon. I stared at the online start-up screen and concentrated. I had to move DOWN and a little to the RIGHT, and I’d be--

--driving down the misty road in The Beast. Cool.

Up ahead there was a neon-purple sign showing through the trees. I grinned and silently saluted what it said. I couldn’t make a website because my computer skills were below nil, but The Realm of Insanity worked just as well as a restaurant/bar/club thingie. Tonight was my off-night as bartender, though, so no one would be expecting me to be here. Perfect!

I haphazardly parked my van in the parking lot and climbed out. Up on the porch, The Happy Couple were enthusiastically making out on the porch swing. ARGH. I think I’ve been scarred for life. I had been appointed the two as The Realm’s Bouncers because of a couple things: 1. No one really wanted them INSIDE The Realm; 2. I figured they were willing and able to kick any troublemakers’ out of the area.

That is, if they ever stopped the honeymoon long enough to pay attention to the coming and goings of people around The Realm.

I walked up onto the porch and tapped my foot. If I had known things would continue like this, I would have never written ‘Delusions of Craziness’! "Rampage! Depth Charge! You’re supposed to be on duty!"

Depth Charge looked up and gave an embarrassed cough. "Uh...hello, Lady Dementia."

Rampage looked past his husband to me. I was glaring at them both. "Er, sorry?"

I sighed and shook my head. Newlyweds. Yeesh! "Okay, I’ll let you off just this once, but if I catch you two slacking off like this again..." I threatened vaguely. I turned to go inside, but paused as they both sat up in the porch swing. "Um...DC? Isn’t it dangerous to have your chain saw running while you two are doing that?"

He looked at me blankly. "Yeah. Why?"

"...never mind." I quickly went inside, leaving the Bouncers outside alone. I let the doors close behind me with a sigh of relief, then I looked around. None of the ORIGINAL Beast Wars cast were allowed in here, which meant I was safe from the Terrors From My Summer Vacation. No, here I just had to deal with the Terrors From My Mind.

A pregnant Blackarachnia was talking with one of the Rampages and Skob Bir. The crab must be the one from ‘Feral Ice Cream’; he was gulping down vodka and complaining about hearing birds. Blackarachnia was holding a tiny bundle of fuzz and huge green eyes. Tarasp was such a cutie!

Bob Skir’s stupid twin brother was passed out on the floor. No one seemed to care, so I shrugged and ignored him.

There was an entire table of Rattraps and Quickstrikes playing poker in the corner. Mighty Mouse and Snakebite were watching, along with a couple Cheetors and one Cheater. Cheater was trying to get accepted into the game, but everyone was smarter than to let him.

One of the booths along the wall held a meeting of Depth Charges. They were all whispering and shooting murderous looks at the table of Rampages opposite of them. The crabs looked like they were having a great time shooting spitballs at Lame-o-tron, who, like all the Megatrons, had been forced to give up his spark-box at the door. The Megatron stunt double was glaring at the table furiously, but I didn’t think even he was stupid enough to try and take all those Rampages on.

A buzzing sound alerted me to the fact that a group of Waspinators had mobbed the bar, driving the Megatron and Tarantulas working there to distraction. Apparently, none of the wasps could decide what they really wanted to drink, and kept changing their orders. I chuckled evilly at the increasingly frustrated looks on the substitute bartenders’ faces. I wasn’t working tonight. I didn’t have to help them. Heeheehee...

I strolled over the bar while the Waspinators gathered up their various sweet drinks and buzzed back over to where the Waspinator from ‘Ending the Facade’ was waiting. He accepted a drink from one of the wasps and started talking about something involving ‘Wazzpinator Rulezzz!’ I think he was continuing something from before the drink break.

Sitting down on a barstool, my black mood returned. I hate writers’ block!

"What’ll it be?" Tarantulas asked, doing the stupid little polish-the-bartop thing that seems to be a required action by all bartenders. I squinted at him, briefly distracted from my brooding by his nervousness. He seemed to be watching the other temporary bartender more than me, since he hadn’t even noticed who I was. Why would Megatron make Tarantulas so jumpy?

"The usual, duh," I said, studying him. The Predacon spider plopped a shotglass in front of me, and I frowned. I don’t drink whiskey. Everybody knew that. Yeesh, he sure was distracted! "Tarantulas?"

"Uh-huh?" He polished the bartop, still watching Megatron warily.

"You’re getting dangerously close to violating The Realm’s only rule." I pointed to the top of the shelves, where a big sign was nailed so that everyone could see it. It was right next to a pic of the person I was Guardian Idiot over, Kchana, and the food and drink menu price list labeled along the top as ‘Insanity takes its toll; please have exact change.’

Anyway, the Rule sign read, ‘Don’t annoy the crazy person.’ I figured I would stick with that instead of my more vague but preferred, "Humor the crazy person..." That, and I had a matching T-shirt I wore while I was working behind the bar.

This time Tarantulas actually looked at me. In fact, he did a double-take. "Oh. Sorry, Lady Dementia." He hurriedly reached under the bar and came up with a can of Cherry Pepsi and a bar of Hershey’s Chocolate. The spider fidgeted as I opened the pop and took a gulp. "I’m just a little nervous."
I’d noticed.

"Which one are you?" I asked curiously which munching on the chocolate bar.

Tarantulas started as a Terrorsaur and Scorponok started yelling insults at each other. "Uh...’Strange Attractions’."

"Ah." That would explain it. Heeheehee, poor spider. "Megatron isn’t going to try and seduce you," I said patiently.

He nodded vigorously. "I KNOW! That’s why I’m so worried!" The Terrorsaur and Scorponok who were having a verbal fight stumbled up to the bar just then, and Tarantulas left me to go serve them a couple drinks--nervously, of course.

I blinked after him. "I don’t even want to THINK about that..."

My forehead was on the bartop, my eyes locked on my feet. "Another drink, please," I mumbled. If I could just organize these weird thoughts brought on by the caffeine and sugar, I was sure it would break the writers’ block...

Of course, I’d been trying to do that for the better part of three hours, now, and I was on my seventh Cherry Pepsi and eighth chocolate bar.

"Lady Dementia," the Megatron behind the bar said worriedly, "I’m not sure this is healthy for you."

Was it ever? "So I’ll die young and leave a corpse with Hair of Death. Got a problem with that?"

He paused and sighed. "No." Another pop can was placed on the bar in front of me. A moment later it went flying as a piece of a chair skidded across the bar, and I was stuck there looking at the empty space it had occupied a moment before.

"What..?" I turned slowly as the sounds of a fight penetrated the fog of strange thoughts clouding my mind. It appeared that the Infernos were ganging up against the original Dinobots. Even Smokey had joined in the fight!

A table shattered as I looked at them dully.

"For the Royalty!" about half of the Infernos yelled.

"Flank attack!" one of the Dinobots yelled. The rest of the Dinobots must have thought that was a strategically sound plan of attack, because they obeyed the order. The Infernos didn’t stand a chance.

Neither did the furniture. Between the flame-throwers and the swords, three tables and nine chairs were already useless pieces of slag.

From there, things only got worse.

First, the Maximals and Predacons in the room divided into clearly different sides and charged each other. That would have been bad enough, but then the Overdose fanfic characters arrived. Through the BACK DOOR. That was the door that was in the kitchen...

"Food fight!" the colorful femme screamed, standing in the swinging doors that led to the kitchen. She threw the pie she was holding at someone and snatched up a plate of something from a nearby table, flinging it into the fray too, plate and all.

*Crash!* "Ow!"

That was one plate and one Rattrap out of the fight...

Where were The Realm’s Bouncers?! They were supposed to DEAL with stuff like this before it got out of control! That’s it, I’ve got to talk to them about On Duty, Off Duty behavior.

I dodged a shotglass that hit the Megatron behind the bar right between the eyes. "DIE!" he roared, vaulting over the bar and into the battle. Tarantulas shrugged and joined the Spider Attack Team that was forming near him. Most of the Predacon Tarantulas and Blackarachnias were joining together to spray bullets and missiles at the Maximals.

Overdose broke another plate over one of the Optimal Optimuses’ heads. Then she started sticking forks and other various sharp pieces of dinnerware into him. He yelped and fled--right into a group of Megatrons.

Ouch. THAT’S gotta sting!

Speaking of stinging...this was GONNA hurt!

A large hand yanked me out of the way of a broken table that was learning how to fly, and I sighed in relief when it missed me. Rampage glanced down at me as I hugged him. "Er, sorry dear. I have to fight right now," he said, looking at the fight longingly.

I giggled at the odd blend of lovey-dovey/homicidal maniac he represented. "Go for it!" He glanced back at me as he started to run forward, and I blew him a kiss. Rampage looked extremely happy at the gesture, but I winced. He gave me a puzzled look just as Depth Charge finished his back swing and brought the chair leg forward to meet the back of the crab’s head.

I reached over the bar and flung a seltzer bottle at the ray-bot in retaliation. It bounced off of his head, but then I lost him as a bunch of Depth Charges ran by. Slag!

And then things got WORSE.

"Chaaaaaaarge!!" Amber Dion lead her group of misfits into the battle...right through the front door.

I r-e-e-e-ally have to talk to the Bouncers about this...

I decided that I had had enough. Jumping up onto the bar, I made full use of my large lungs. "IF YOU GUYS DON’T STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I’LL WRITE SOMETHING WHERE YOU ALL SING ‘KUM BA YAH’ WHILE HOLDING HANDS!!!!"

My ears rang in the stunned silence.

Later, I was still at the bar. This time, however, I was BEHIND it. I didn’t trust anybody else near the drinks at the moment.

"No, THAT table goes THERE," I instructed the Overdose group. Tempers were looking rather frazzled over there. I wonder why? It couldn’t be that Overdose was sitting ON the table as the others tried to lift it, could it?

Nah.

I caught sight of the clock over the booths and groaned. "Slag it! I have to leave!" And my writers’ block STILL wasn’t gone! ACK!

Grrrr...and The Realm of Insanity wasn’t cleaned up yet...but I could deal with that part. "If I can’t open for business tomorrow," I snarled at everyone, "there’s gonna be some even WEIRDER fics being written by me!"

The fanfic characters scurried out of my way as I walked to the doors. Hmm...Saturday nights were the unofficial gathering times for my fic characters because I didn’t work those nights. Obviously, I would have to start. Leaving these guys by themselves was NOT a good idea.

Oh, well. By tomorrow the damage would be repaired (or ELSE!), and the rest of my clientele would be back to dilute the pure strangeness of of the current group of yahoos. I wondered distantly if the other Beast Wars fanfic authors knew that their fanfic characters sometimes stopped by for a drink and maybe a bite to eat at The Realm of Insanity. How long would it take before the first author (besides me) came in?

I stopped at the doors and sighed. The Bouncers. I had almost forgotten. That was strange...I didn’t see them on the porch...

Puzzled, I walked out onto the porch and looked around. No one. How odd! Well, despite the mystery, I still had to leave. I walked towards The Beast, absently searching through my pockets for the van’s keys. Um...here? Nope. In here? No...

I got into the van still looking for the keys. I finally found them deep down in one of my various pockets and dug them out. I put the key in the ignition and strapped myself in while adjusting the rearview mirror. How come I couldn’t see out the back window? There seemed to be something in the way...

...or someones!!

"What are you two doing in here?!" I shrieked. I whirled around to face Rampage and Depth Charge, only to gape in shock. The two back benches had been folded down into a bed, and on it...whoa. That’s gonna leave bruises in the morning. Was that position even physically possible?

"What?" Depth Charge asked innocently. Rampage just had this happily dazed look on his face.

"Out! OUT!" I screamed. "GET OUT!!!"

"But--"

"NOW!!!!!!" I put The Beast in gear as the Bouncers tumbled out the back of the van, and the wheels tore up gravel to fling at them as I headed for the road. AAA!! Run away! Run away!

I just had to move UP and to the LEFT, and--

--I was back in front of my computer.

I bent over it again, that last shock seemingly all that had been necessary to get rid of my writers’ block. I sighed and muttered, "Yeesh. Newlyweds..."

So if you find yourself somewhere

between the real world and the Net,

don’t worry, the price of my food and drink

won’t put you into debt.

Walk or drive down the misty road,

just look for the neon purple sign.

The Realm of Insanity

are the words outlined.

Come on in, BW fic writer or character,

that is, if you dare.

Come talk to the bartender,

after all, The Realm is my lair.

So drop on by

and say ‘Hello!’

Have fun and make some friends,

there’s no hurry to go.

Remember, the Rule is

‘Don’t annoy the crazy person.’

But if things are strange when you come in,

it’ll only worsen!

Back to Lady D. Fanfiction Index