__And, lo! The hero healed himself with his mighty powers and looked upon the world he was to save. He bellowed in a loud voice for his companions, the perky Marisa and the wounded-unto-death Depth Charge. United in purpose with his comrades, he looked over his sea domain and bid it farewell, for he had to leave on a quest to save the universe. Then he turned to his fair companion, the perky Marisa, and saw that she was good, and he shouted bravely--__

“Will you shut UP?!”

__Hey, that’s not in the script.__

Apparently neither was real life. “I am NOT a hero. I did NOT look out over my sea domain and bid it farewell,” I grumbled. “I said it looked like it’s going to rain. And Depth Charge is still my enemy, no matter what you say, so he’s not my companion.”

__He’s not going to be your enemy as long as I’m around.__

Oh, joy. “What’s with your obsession with Marisa, anyway?” I growled, looking across the beach to where the human was watching our mind-dead manta ray teammate. Nothing I had thought up in a career as a creative artist—

__Read: homicidal maniac.__

--who happened to use fear and pain as a medium had even approached the sheer torture of being forced to listen to Marisa chatter on about her new abilities, so I had finally given her that job just so she’d be far enough away that I couldn’t hear her talk.

Somehow, she still managed to hear what I said. “Oh, that’s easy!” she shouted back at me as I groaned and Dinobot laughed mentally. “You’re the hero, I’m the heroine, so there’s a natural magnetic attraction between us!” She tossed her multicolored hair and inhaled deeply, stretching her red spandex shirt dangerously as she eyed me meaningfully.

Or rather, meaningLESSly. So far, I haven’t understood most of what’s come out of her mouth. Mostly because it’s almost always related to ‘comic books’ (whatever those are). “What’d she say?” I mumbled finally, giving up on making sense of her words.

Hearing a ghost chuckle evilly in my head is not something that makes my day. Not to say that it’s any worse than yesterday so far, since I haven’t gotten blown up today, but it’s getting there. __She nailed it on the first try.__

“For once.”

__Tsk, tsk. You really should be nicer to her.__

Marisa had lapsed back into poking Depth Charge. The fish twitched in reply, she giggled, and I sighed. “Whatever.”

__You’ll regret it later…__ The smug sing-song tone of Dinobot’s mental voice puzzled me, but what does a ghost know about the future? __Hmmmph. Anyway, what she means is that in most hero stories, the hero falls in love with the heroine or SOME femme along the way.__

I froze.

I looked back to where Marisa was blowing me a kiss.

“You’ve GOT to be kidding me,” I said weakly.

__Nope. The plot—uh, I mean the MATRIX demands a romance within the team. Usually torid and sickening, but that’s a given with Marisa.__

HA! So Dinobot doesn’t like her either despite his vaunted ‘honor’ thing. That might come in handy while I found a way to avoid the will of the Matrix. All I had to do was find a way to kill Marisa and make her stay dead. Suddenly I started understanding how Depth Charge felt about me. Well, except that he’s never tried to seduce me.

I found that my life had reached a new low. Not necessarily the fact that I now have a conscience with a power complex, or even that an annoying biological blob (you’d probably call her a human) named Marisa has become my partner. No, the new low was that I had realized I was beginning to sympathize with Megatron. Destroying the protohumans in an attempt to prevent Marisa from ever existing was becoming more appealing by the moment, despite the fact that without the past happening as it should have, I wouldn’t ever exist. Still, Megatron’s idea had merit…

This could only be a bad thing.

The voice in my head managed a mental snort. __Oh, stop your whining. It’s not that bad. Megatron had many good ideas, even if he was dishonorable.__

That was another thing that was bugging me. My conscience had a constant obsession with ‘honor’. Whatever THAT was.

This time Dinobot sounded scandalized. Well, okay, more like foaming-at-the-mouth angry. If he had a mouth, that is. __Honor is a warrior’s focus in life! Without honor, his life is meaningless, empty! He is a mere shell to be pointed at enemies--__

This guy had obviously let idealism go to his head. Er, my head. His head inside my head? “Megatron did pretty well as an empty shell,” I pointed out. “He killed you, didn’t he?”

“Hey, who’re you talking to?!” Marisa yelled suddenly directly into my face. I yelped in surprise (how had I NOT heard her coming up behind me?!) and automatically drew my missile launcher.

__Don’t--__

Dinobot’s warning came too late. One missile and a smoking, splattered body later, I felt much better. “Romance this,” I laughed. My parasitical conscience sighed.

One whorl of pink and yellow and a descending scream later, and I spat sand resignedly, remembering belatedly WHY Marisa was still alive. “Get OFF of me,” I said to the weight on my back.

The human slid off and pouted as I climbed back onto my feet. The worst part about having her for a teammate was that as far as I could tell, she felt absolutely no fear of me. Case in point: her next words. “I don’t think you like me,” she said sadly, looking up with big green eyes filling with tears.

I scowled back as Dinobot made a pointed comment about how Starscream would probably like some company wandering through space as a spark. Okay, so no more blowing up the human…for now. Hehehe. “Duh.”

She sniffed, not-so-incidentally straining the spandex over her chest again as she looked up at me coyly. I heard Dinobot laughing at my disgust. “Why NOT?” she purred, stepping closer and putting a hand on my chest (that’s as far up as she could reach). “I’m SURE we could work SOMETHING out…”

Why me?

__Because you’re the author’s favorite character.__

“WHAT?!”

__Uh…__

This time I caught on. “What author?!” I shouted, glaring at nothing and wishing fervently that I could wring Dinobot’s neck.

__How many times do I have to tell you not to think of that stuff anymore?!__

Ow ow ow OUCH! Head hurts ow ow ow hurts hurts hurts…

“You’re not going to distract me that easily,” I gritted out, holding onto my head and trying not to whimper pathetically as I knelt in the sand. “What author?”

__Slag. Um, er, I meant to say--__

“Well, you totally didn’t have to SHOUT at me,” Marisa the Annoyance whined.

I blinked and looked up at her, having completely forgotten what we were talking about a moment ago. “What?”

“I am, like, SO not a distraction!” she sniffed, and then turning to flounce back towards the manta ray tied to a tree. For once, I pitied Depth Charge. Not that I was going to call her back over here, but I had to pity even the defenseless dumb animal forced to endure Marisa’s chattering.

On my part, I was completely baffled. I had been talking to Dinobot, not to her, so why’d she think I was talking to—

__Reality check!__

Oh. Right. Dinobot was in my HEAD. I suppose that would create confusion. Note to self: stop talking out loud to the voice in my head.

__Not the brightest crayon in the box, are you.__

“I’ll get you back for this somehow,” I muttered under my breath, then paused suspiciously. “What’s a crayon?”

The tide was out, I was as repaired as I was going to get (I ignored the pointed comments about my mental state from the local haunt), and I had just been informed that it was time to find the other two members of the team. I just can’t say how filled with enthusiasm I was at the thought. Two more idiots to add to the band. Oh, yippee.

Dinobot chuckled. __That’s the spirit!__

Spirit?! That’s it, I was going to—

__Whimper in pain if you keep this up. It’s just a joke!__

It wasn’t just a joke when the spirit was IN MY HEAD.

__Well, I’M laughing.__

I decided not to give into the violence that immediately popped to mind and changed subjects. “So what exactly are we saving the universe FROM?” I demanded.

__Um…__

The hesitant mumble clued me in, and I suffered from an overwhelming urge to bang my head on the ground again. “You don’t know, do you?” I sighed.

__Nope. I only know that it’s a horrible, terrible thing.__

Oh. Well, it couldn’t be too bad, then.

__.....__

“What?”

__It’s just that I keep forgetting how much of a monster you really are.__

“Hey, thanks.” Maybe Dinobot wasn’t so bad after all. Not many people say nice things about me. In fact, I think he’s the first!

__That wasn’t a compliment.__

“Oh.” Well, slag. I don’t know what everyone thinks is so terrible about me. It’s not like I track mud all over the deck plates or anything!

A sigh drifted through my head. __No, you just kill everyone and everything you meet.__

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked, trying to be reasonable. Since I couldn't seem to be able to get rid of him, maybe I could try to compromise. I just had to keep the conversation rational and calm, and I might be able to get somewhere.

__It’s not honorable.__

Well, there went rational. I abandoned the conversation before I lost calm, too. I still had to deal with Marisa, and she was currently sitting across the beach with her knees pulled up to her spandex-covered chest. I had repulsed about six of her attempts at seduction while my body was healing, and she seemed to have given up in order to sulk.

Now, of course, I’d have to work with her. Dinobot’s cryptic comments about being nice to her were making sense, suddenly. Then again, hindsight is always perfect. I started to walk over and, on cue, the clouds I had seen earlier let loose. Rain didn’t bother me, but it made Marisa look even worse. She gave me a truly pathetic glare as I stopped walking and looked down at her.

“What do YOU want?” she sniffled.

I repressed the urge to flatten her just for doing that. “It’s time to find the rest of our team,” I said instead.

“Hmmph. I think me and Depth Charge are going to be a separate team.” She pointed to where Depth Charge was still flopping around helplessly and smiled triumphantly. She must have expected me to be upset by the news. She must have been disappointed.

“Great!” I turned and took about two steps before the pain started in my head. Each step after that only increased it. Eventually I HAD to stop before I collapsed from the agony, but I refused to turn around and go back. Behind me I could hear Marisa sobbing, apparently desolated by my abandonment. Soaking up her despair helped me take another step.

__You are NOT going to form two teams!__ Dinobot said grimly. __And you are going to STOP doing that to people’s emotions! Got that?!__

Another pulse of pain stabbed through my head, and my knees gave out, dropping me down onto the wet sand. I whimpered involuntarily as the agony got worse. How humiliating! But I wasn’t going back to that stupid squishy human, no way! There was nothing on this planet that could make me go back and persuade her to be on a team I didn’t even want to be part of.

That’s when things took an even worse turn:

(Suddenly, Rampage feels something being ripped from his mind. Unknown to him, it was the narration.)

RAMPAGE: (looks around in bewilderment) What the slag?!

DINOBOT: (dramatic) __Too late! We’ve delayed too long, and now you face the consequences! Oh, woe is—__

RAMPAGE: Quit making a speech like a Maximal and just TELL me what happened!

DINOBOT: __I was getting to that. The universe has now been converted to, (gasps) Script Format!!!__ (screams in horror)

RAMPAGE: …so?

DINOBOT: __Did you like that feeling just a moment ago?__

RAMPAGE: Not particularly.

DINOBOT: __Would you like it to continue?__

RAMPAGE: Not particularly.

DINOBOT: __Would you like to stop it from continuing?__

RAMPAGE: Not particularly.

DINOBOT: (whining) __Why NOOOOT?__

RAMPAGE: I’m not a hero. If you want to save the universe, get a hero. Nice try, though. The weird feeling almost convinced me.

DINOBOT: (nastily) __How’d you like your spark to be ripped from your body?__

RAMPAGE: (warily) Not a lot…

DINOBOT: __We’re gonna save the world, one way or another. Now GET Marisa, and let’s get ON with it!!__ (takes control and turns Rampage’s head around) __Uh…where is she, anyway?__

RAMPAGE: (shrugs and shakes his head when Dinobot frees him again) Don’t know; don’t care.

DINOBOT: (growling) __Find. Her. NOW.__

RAMPAGE: (throws up his hands in exasperation) Alright, alright…

(Rampage walks down the beach, incidentally kicking Depth Charge out of his way as he passes where Marisa had been a moment ago. The ray seems much happier out of the water when it’s raining than when it was dry, but the frequent lighting strikes makes him flop around nervously.)

(Suddenly, the crab looks out to sea and starts laughing.)

RAMPAGE: That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! (he collapses laughing, pointing to where Marisa is walking around in the shallows) Bwahahahaha!!

DINOBOT: (sighs) __You would think so. Do you have idea WHY she would be wading in the middle of a storm?__

RAMPAGE: (somewhat hysterically) She wants to be a lightening rod?

DINOBOT: (threatening) __How’s your head, Rampage?__

Rampage: (pauses as that sinks in)…oh, fine. I’ll get her. (he grumbles something uncomplimentary about ghosts in general and Dinobot in specific as he trudges down the beach) Marisa!! Get your pathetic human self back up here! (muttering) I am NOT going into the water, and I don’t care what you say. I don’t like getting electrocuted.

MARISA: (can’t hear Rampage, but she sees him and waves happily, apparently over his rejection of her) Helloooooo, cutesy-wootsy!

RAMPAGE: (can hear her fine but wishes he couldn’t) WHAT did she call me?!

DINOBOT: (helplessly laughing)__Cutesy-wootsy!__

MARISA: (giggles as Rampage glares at her) Like, why are you looking at me like that, cutesy-wootsy? Aren’t you gonna totally come and join me? The water’s real nice—AAAAAIIIEEE!!!

(Rampage hits the dirt as a lightening bolt hits the water, instantly frying the human. A moment later a portal drops Marisa onto the crab, but since he’s ready for it this time, he doesn’t eat sand for once.)

RAMPAGE: (snarling) Get off of me.

MARISA: (pouts as she slides back down to the sand) Awwww…

DINOBOT: (sighs) __No, you can’t kill her again. We have to get moving!__

(Rampage grumbles about idiotic humans and ghosts as he shoves Marisa aside to grab Depth Charge by the tail. Not even bothering to actually untie the manta ray, Depth Charge is dragged behind him still attached to the tree as the teammates walk off of the beach. Well, Marisa is skipping, Rampage is trudging, and Depth Charge is being dragged, but you get the idea.)

(After a couple miles of walking and Rampage grumbling, a thought finally finds its way into Marisa’s head. It’s lonely.)

MARISA: (cheerful) You’re like totally such a grouch, cutesy-wootsy. Eek!

RAMPAGE: (picks her up by her spandex shirt) Do. Not. EVER. Call. Me. That. (drops her)

DINOBOT: (hysterical laughter)

RAMPAGE: (glares at nothing) And you can shut up anytime now…

MARISA: (apparently unaffected by Rampage’s threat) Like, who’re you, like, talking to? ‘Cause there’s, like, nobody there.

DINOBOT: (still laughing) __Go ahead, Rampage! Try and tell her!__

RAMPAGE: (growls) Fine. I have a voice in my head from a deceased war hero who won’t shut up with cryptic hints about the future and this stupid thing he calls honor. And he won’t leave me alone.

MARISA: ……(blinks)…really?

RAMPAGE: (sighs) Really.

MARISA: ……

DINOBOT: __I think you broke her mind.__

RAMPAGE: That wasn’t hard. (nudges her with the Depth Charge/tree combination he’s carrying) Is there anyone in there?

DINOBOT: __Need you ask?__

RAMPAGE: Well, I’m not carrying her, too!

MARISA: …that is so cool. Can I talk to him?

RAMPAGE: (startled) What?! NO!

DINOBOT: __Why not?__

MARISA: (whining) Why not?

RAMPAGE: Because you’d have to sit there and talk to ME in order to do it, and I can’t stand you!

MARISA: (blinks) Really?

RAMPAGE: (frustrated) YES!

MARISA: Huh. (pauses and thinks about it) That’s totally cool with me, though.

RAMPAGE: ……

DINOBOT: __Heh. But she has a way to talk with me, Rampage. You won’t even have to listen to her.__

RAMPAGE: What? A permanent way of killing her? I’m sure you two could have a great conversation after she’s dead!

MARISA: (starts sobbing) Y-you d-don’t love m-me!

RAMPAGE: ……

DINOBOT: __……__

RAMPAGE: (skeptical)…and she’s supposed to save the universe. (looks at the crying human) We’re all doomed. (shrugs) Ah, well.

DINOBOT: __Great, now she’s all worked up. She’s got those teleporting abilities for a reason, you know!__

RAMPAGE: Party tricks?

DINOBOT: __……__

RAMPAGE: Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Anyway, you were saying..?

(Just as suddenly as it had gone, the narration snaps back to Rampage’s mind as the author finds an unopened can of soda pop. Mmmmm, Cherry Pepsi…)

__Are you awake, Rampage?__

I’ve come back online to more pleasant things than Dinobot’s voice inside my head. Like Megatron, for example. That should indicate how highly I think of my resident parasitical conscience. But at least he wasn’t stabbing me with pain, for once, and he actually sounded slightly concerned. Hmmm, interesting. Nobody’s sounded CONCERNED about me before…

“Like, are you, like, okay?”

…except for Marisa. But Marisa doesn’t count. As far as I was concerned, Marisa’s existence was about to hit a major snag as soon as I figured out a way for her to disappear permanently.

__GET THE SLAG UP!!__

“YaaaAAAAA—ooooh, my HEAD…” I rolled over clutching my head as Dinobot contradicted my earlier thoughts. Probably just to spite me, the slagging excuse for a ghost. Why couldn’t the dead just STAY dead? It only seemed polite to me that once I destroyed somebody, that should be the last of them. But noooooo. Instead of politeness (which honestly never interests me unless someone else is being impolite…), I get stuck with two people who just won’t lay down and DIE. “You could have ASKED me to get up,” I muttered, then paused in confusion. “What happened to me?”

Dinobot sighed. __Remember when I told you the universe was converted to…__ His voice lowered, __…script format?__ He made it sound so dramatic. Script format must be the evilest thing in the universe. He hadn’t even used that tone of voice on ME!

Whatever ‘script format’ was. “Sure. Why the slag did it knock me out?!” That was the part that was bothering me. I didn’t like being knocked out by something I couldn’t see! Or something I could see, for that matter.

__It just got converted back. Considered yourself lucky for the reprieve. Now you’ll have more time to stop it from happening again.__

“That’s, like, the big universal threat we’ve, like, got to stop?” Marisa asked blankly. Well, more blankly than usual. She blinked wide green eyes at me. “That’s, like, totally lame.”

“I agree,” I grumbled before I thought about it. Then two thoughts struck me at once: I had just agreed with the stupid human about something; therefore, I must get my head examined (after I get rid of the ghost stuck in it, obviously). And… “How did you hear him?” I demanded. “Dinobot’s talking in MY head!” I felt abruptly sick as the ghost himself chuckled sadistically. This did NOT bode well…

Marisa smiled and shrugged cluelessly. “He’s, like, talking to me, too!” She giggled. “I’m totally a telepath! And is soft peach REALLY your favorite color?”

“Yes,” I said absently, but then my optics widened. “HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?!”

__I didn’t even know that__ Dinobot said, impressed. __Peach?__

“You were, like, thinking about it when you, like, fainted.”

__Peach?__

“I didn’t FAINT,” I said immediately. Maximals faint. Immortal killers do not. “It’s called ‘offline’—“

“Dinobot told me you, like, fainted when the universe totally got converted back from script format, which is, like, really lame.” The human sullenly nudged Depth Charge with her foot, jumping back and laughing when the ray flopped in response. “Sweetness!” She poked him again.

I blinked as she lost interest in me. Nothing takes the ego out of immortal killers like having the frailest creature around think you’re cheap entertainment. “Faint?” I hissed at nothing. Well, I was speaking to Dinobot, but since he lacks a body, I usually end up addressing thin air.

__Peach? SOFT peach?__

That wasn’t information I particularly wanted people talking about. “Yes, that’s my favorite color, so will you get off it and tell me why I was knocked offline?!” It was tempting to imagine Dinobot getting blown to smithereens by one of my missiles, but if I did that, then he’d have an excuse to give me a severe headache on top of the one I already had.

__You’re learning.__

“Huh?”

__Now you’re thinking about torturing someone without actually THINKING about torturing them.__

“Whatever.” That just barely made sense. But since he hadn’t gotten upset about it…heeheehee…I wanted to think about pulling off his limbs one by one, but I wasn’t…

OW! Owowowowowowowow!!!

__Nice try. But back to the subject: you were knocked offline because the narrati—uh, universe was returned to how it was, and the shock backlashed on you.__

“Why did it happen?” I asked suspiciously. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the universe had done it just to cause me pain. It seemed to do it frequently enough, anyway.

__A tad bit bitter, perhaps?__

“Shut up.”

__Hehehe. What you experienced is only one aspect of the universal threat I’ve spoken of.__

“Which you really don’t know what it is,” I couldn’t resist adding. I got the mental equivalent of a miffed glare from my infestation of the paranormal, but Marisa tapping me on the shoulder distracted me from gloating over Dinobot’s lack of information. Since I was still sitting down, that meant that she was far too close for comfort. I had to restrain the urge to cringe away. “What do you want, pest?” I growled, thinking of various indignities I’d like to do to her.

The human tossed her multi-colored hair and sniffed. “That’s, like, a totally uncool way to think about your teammate, Rampage,” she told me severely, and I remembered belatedly that she had started reading my mind. That was a rather worrisome thought, but she spoiled the image of seriousness by giggling. “But that’s okay, ‘cause, like, anyone who likes the same color as me can’t be too bad, right?”

Primus, kill me now.

__Awww, you two are so cute together! And stop banging your head on the ground, Rampage. The rocks are too small to help you.__ Dinobot sounded delighted that the universe-saving team was getting along so well. I wanted (BADLY!) to hurt him. __Tsk, tsk. Such bloody thoughts.__ Tingles of pain started in my head, and I cut off thoughts of dismembering him. __Better. Now, you two should resume your quest to find the rest of your team.__

“From what?” Marisa whined as I mumbled curses and grabbed Depth Charge by the tail again. Despite my hopes, the human followed in the path cleared of small rocks and bushes the ray created as I dragged him along behind me. “It’s totally unfair that we’ve gotta walk everywhere without, like, a REASON for why we’re walking everywhere. Or at least a TV. You dig my drift?” She sighed and picked at her red spandex shirt restlessly, and Dinobot counseled me on the wisdom of NOT smashing her into a pulp. His counsel involved threats of becoming bodiless. “So, cool, script format isn’t the big thing we’re trying to stop. What’s it a, um, ‘aspect’ of, then?”

All questions I wanted answers to. I loathed myself for agreeing with her about anything.

My paranormal parasite seemed faintly uncomfortable. I made a note to myself to bring up his ignorance of the situation more often if it kept getting this response. Hey, I’m working with what I’ve got, and what I’ve got is not a lot! __Well…I know that the universal threat has to do with how the show is writte—er, how the past and future will happen. Script format occurs when the auth—uh, the Matrix starts getting lazy enough to—um, the Matrix stops affecting reality with as much attention to detail.__

“Why would we WANT it to affect reality?” Marisa asked, blissfully unaware of the confusion Dinobot’s explanation awakened in anyone who actually had a mind. “What’s wrong with how things happened? Or will happen. Happened already?” A hint of the confusion I was feeling at the moment passed through her empty head, then disappeared. “Whatever.”

Dinobot seemed to understand what he was saying. Maybe. __The Matrix makes the show—er, reality interesting, and it also makes it run smoothly. If it didn’t interfere, then things would happen without explanation. Or, at least, with less. I think we’re supposed to make sure things happen as they should.__

“Coolness!” Need I say that Marisa said that? She began singing in a nasal voice, “I need a hero! I need a hero ‘til the end of the night…” Skipping up ahead of me, she turned and winked at me, then kept skipping.

I hauled Depth Charge after her, protesting under my breath, “I am NOT a hero. Depth Charge is a hero. As soon as his neurocircuitry gets back together, HE can help the Matrix. Not me. Do I LOOK like a Matrix henchbot? No. You know why? Because I’m not one! Heroes are heroes because they die at a conveniently dramatic moment—“

__I resent that!__

“—and I lack the ability to die. Therefore, I can’t be a hero.”

__But you could fulfill the hero’s required affair with the heroine__ Dinobot suggested snidely. __Marisa’s willing enough, don’t you think?__

“Ugh.” I shuddered at the accompanying imagery Dinobot gave me along with his suggestion. “Depth Charge can take that hero part, too.” I pulled the manta ray through a particularly thick bush full of thorns, and he flopped weakly in protest. I chuckled, thinking about more painful things to do to him, then shuddered again as Dinobot nailed me with another image. “Alright, already! I’ll stop! Just don’t DO that anymore!” There are some things even I can’t stand…

Ahead of me, Marisa paused and glanced back with a smile. I panicked. “She didn’t pick that up, did she?!” I hissed at thin air. “Please don’t tell me she picked that up!”

__Um…__

I’d successfully embarrassed a ghost. Unfortunately, the human coming back towards me prevented me from feeling smug about it. “Cutesy-wootsy, you only needed to ask,” she cooed.

“Get away from me,” I snapped back at her, then swung at her…with the hand still holding Depth Charge by the tail.

__Rampage--!! Ah, well, too late.__

Marisa screamed until she hit the ground, and I looked up for the expected swirl of pink and yellow as her shrieking cut off abruptly. Nothing appeared in the sky; however, I did hear a gurgling sound from the area the human had landed in…and I sensed pain. Lots of pain. Oooooh, PAIN…

__CUT THAT OUT, YOU UNHOLY FREAK!!!__ Dinobot screeched inside my head, breaking up the content satisfaction I had been feeling. It was replaced by pain. MY pain.

Have I mentioned how I enjoy pain in OTHER PEOPLE?

Sometime during my whimpering and other pathetic sounds, Marisa finally died of her wounds and was resurrected out of a pink and yellow swirl to land on me. I barely noticed. My attention was turned on the burning agony spreading through my body as Dinobot ranted and raved about how he WAS going to change me, whether or not I cooperated, and he WAS going to save the universe even if he had to kick my spark out of my body and take over to do it! So I’d better go along with the script (Huh? Script?) if I wanted to get out of this at all!

“Major hissy fit,” Marisa observed, apparently listening in. The pain had eased up a little by now so I could understand what she was saying. Kind of. As much as I ever do. “Like, Dead-bot,” that earned points from me and a snarl from the resident haunt, “what’s with this robot? He’s a total grouch. Am I really supposed to work with this dude?”

I could actually FEEL Dinobot talking to her, mostly because the last of the pain cleared from my head. I was eventually able to sit up, and I scowled as I realized I could feel the conversation, but I didn’t actually know what they were saying. It was…frustrating. Especially since I KNEW it was about me. The human standing in front of me stared vacantly (more so than usual) and nodded every once and a while, saying such brilliant things as ‘uh-huh,’ ‘really?’ and ‘that’s whacked.’

It didn’t help that I could also feel the ghost in my head laughing at me. I was learning from experience that it was a sign of Bad Things To Come. “What is he telling you?” I demanded from Marisa.

I received a wide-eyed, sympathetic look in return. Alarm klaxons went off in my head. “Like, I totally didn’t know, robot. I’m so, so sorry. Nobody deserves to have that. I’m, like, so glad that the dead guy told me about it. You know, my mom taught me a gnarly way to stretch out cramps…”

She blathered on about stretching muscles that I didn’t have while I sat there and stared at her. My conscience was guilty of something; I was sure of it. He was laughing too much to be innocent of causing the airhead human’s new fixation. I was learning things about humans I didn’t even remotely want to know. I certainly didn’t know about THAT stretch. It looked more painful than whatever she was trying to ease! Hmmmm. I’d have to remember that one for the next victim I find…

Dinobot gave a warning growl.

Marisa didn’t notice as I glared at nothing. “But now that I, like, know about it, it is so totally unreasonable to expect you to, like, WALK all the way to our teammates while you’re in this condition.” She nodded earnestly as my puzzlement grew. What had he TOLD her? “If the dead guy will just, like, kinda give me a picture of where we’re supposed to meet the new hero-dudes, I can totally get us there.” A sympathetic smile followed all of this, and I felt Dinobot telling her something.

“What did you tell her?” I hissed at him under my breath as Marisa nodded and concentrated.

__Where we’re supposed to go.__

Well, I knew THAT… “Before then.”

__Oh, nothing much. I had to get her to cooperate with you, after all, and it’s hard to dumb down an explanation for why you hate her so much when she’s so…DUMB.__ The local ghost infestation sounded just a teeny bit exasperated. About time. __I went with an explanation she would understand.__ By now, Marisa’s multi-colored hair was beginning to swirl around. I didn’t feel any wind, but maybe the fact that she was beginning to glow would explain it… __I just told her you have a permanent case of PMS.__

I had already known it would be bad from how much he was snickering. Unfortunately, it was apparently bad enough that I had no idea what it was. “What’s PMS?” I whispered to avoid setting off another set of stretching lessons. Then again, I didn’t really think Marisa could hear me anymore. She didn’t have enough brain-power to concentrate that hard and still have some left over for listening to me.

And this is what the Maximals wanted to save?

__Hey, you’re going to be saving them now, too, you realize.__

Spare me the horror. Today WAS turning out to be as terrible as yesterday…minus getting disintegrated by an explosion, but the way things were going today, I wouldn’t rule that out yet. “You haven’t answered my question.”

So Dinobot told me. In detail. I learned even MORE about humans that I didn’t want to know.

“You’re kidding.”

__Nope.__

“And she thinks I have this?”

__Yep. It certainly fits your attitude. Good luck trying to convince her that you don’t have it.__

“I’m going to give up before I start and just say that I hate you.”

__I know.__

“Even more.”

__Okay. I can live with that.__

Live with--?! ARGH! Dinobot was lucky to be dead, because what I wanted to do to him and his blasted sense of humor right now would severely strain the limits of living—OOOOOOOWWW!! “Pain,” I mewled. “Painpainpain…”

__Are you going to behave?__

“Yes,” I moaned, clutching my head. Look, YOU try and be dignified when your head feels like it’s going to explode! Obnoxious, annoying, irritating, and overbearing my brand-new conscience may be, but he’s effective, I must admit…reluctantly.

The pain eased. __Good. Because I do believe that Marisa is about to try her first teleport.__

I hoped it would be fatal. “You couldn’t have just taken over HER body?”

__Of course not!__ Dinobot said, shocked. __Oh, well, I supposed I could have, but I won’t!__

“Hold on to something!” Marisa chirped, her flying hair and mask obscuring most of her face. It was an improvement in my mind.

“Why NOT?” I growled at the ghost.

__It wouldn’t have been honorable.__

I should have seen that one coming, but I didn’t have time to snap anything back at Dinobot before the bottom dropped out of the world. Marisa laughed as a pink and yellow swirl scooped us up. The darkness beckoned; I went towards it just to get away from the slagging human’s giggling.

I didn’t give Dinobot a chance to laugh at me this time. “You didn’t tell me teleporting would knock me out!” I complained as soon as I came back online. To my shock, all I got in reply was some scrambled, confused sounds. Even though I knew he was in my head, I still looked around automatically. After talking to real people all my life, it’s a hard habit to break. Sort of like calling out loud for a voice in my head. “Dinobot? Dinobot?!” I risked a headache and thought about rebuilding the raptor just so I could kill him again…and nothing happened.

The paranormal pesk was gone! Should I get up and dance or just sing the Hallelujah Chorus?

Marisa ruined the moment by scrambling over some nearby rocks and waving her arms to get my attention. “Hey! I totally found who we’re looking for!…I think.” The human smiled happily like she expected some kind of reward. She got a missile instead, but the ungrateful woman dodged at the last second. “WHOA!!”

I grinned and moved in for the kill. I took my time, hoping that since Dinobot was gone, she wouldn’t survive. Anyway, it was fun. Other people arrange flowers, I kill people. Each to his own, I say.

__…psychopath.__

“GAH!” I dropped the bundle of bloody rags formerly known as Marisa when Dinobot said that in my head. “You! What are you doing back!?!?! Go away!”

I could practically hear him sneer. __I’ll never go away. Consciences don’t go away, and warriors never surrender. It wouldn’t be honorable. However, you may continue with what you were doing.__

I glanced down at the mangled human. “Um.” She was barely breathing. I couldn’t say that I wasn’t pleased with that.

__I didn’t know that I, too, would be knocked out by teleporting. She forgot to tell me about that part. Warriors are not about revenge…__

“Heehehehehe.” Good, I’d finally found a chink in that ‘honor’ of his! I’d prefer for him to disappear, painfully if possible, but I’d settle for finding weaknesses. Now, there has to be a way to get revenge on everybody we meet…SLAG! I should have killed Depth Charge when I had the chance!

__Too late__ Dinobot informed me with syrupy sweetness. __And STOP banging your head against the ground! You can’t change the past, I won’t let you kill Depth Charge now, and all you’re doing it getting blood all over yourself! More blood, that is. And I do believe that you just kil—look out below!__

This time I spat a rock along with the sand. I was getting sick of the taste of dirt. “Get off of me,” I ordered Marisa. She slid off of me, then turned and sulked. She must not have enjoyed getting torn apart. What a pity. I almost cared.

NOT.

__Your new teammate awaits!__ my ghostly boarder said dramatically. Of course. I don’t think he had any other way to say anything. If he started quoting Shakespeare at me…

I looked around at my other teammates. Marisa had stopped sulking in order to chase a butterfly around, giggling wildly. I couldn’t feel fear, but the thought of somebody like her reading my thoughts, teleporting me around, and trying to save the universe gave me the shivers. Depth Charge was flopping around like, well, a fish out of water. I couldn’t see any sign of his intelligence returning. This was what I had to save the universe with so far. My expectations for the new person on the basis of what I already had…breathing. Then again, Dinobot was also part of the team…

Turning, I stepped over the rocks Marisa had been on and looked around. Rocks, dirt, some grass here and there, and a cave. Unless my new teammate was grass, dirt, or rocks (which really wouldn’t be surprising, and I’d trade Marisa for them), that left the cave. I was beginning to recognize the area, and an inkling of an idea started in my head. No. It couldn’t be.

My conscience was laughing at me again.

I walked into the place and stared at the feet on the floor. They were recognizable. Fortunately, the rest of the robot was splattered across the room, so it couldn’t possibly be him…and I’d believe that as soon as Dinobot stopped snickering. “Hello? Is anyone here?” Maybe I could get lucky (sort of), and it was actually one of the Vok…

“Get me down from here!”

My luck is abysmal. “No. I refuse. I resign. I won’t do it, I tell you. Find somebody else to be a hero!” I spun on my heel and started out of the cavern only to come up short against pain. “OW!”

__Tough__ Dinobot said with the obnoxious cheerfulness of the dead. At least, that’s my theory. I’ve never heard of laughing ghosts before, but if he was any sort of example to go by… __Be a nice psycho and get him down.__

I hate you, I hate you, I HATE you, I’m disgusted by the very air you don’t breath— “And I’m not too fond of you, either,” I snarled at the blackened ceiling. I’m not sure whether I was talking to the Matrix or to who was imbedded in the rock above me.

__He’s better than Marisa, isn’t he?__

“That’s debatable.” Cursing to myself as creatively (and explicitly) as I could, I picked up a long piece of metal that had probably once been part of a computer and used it as a prying tool.

“Who are you talking to? Is there someone else there? Who is this?!” my new teammate asked as I attempted to dig him out of the solid rock.

“Marisa’s explaining everything to him,” I muttered. “I am NOT going to cooperate any more than I have to.” Chunks of burned stone crumpled from around the edges of his prison, and I brushed pebbles off of myself. “If he wants to play hero, that is. How are you going to force HIM to do this?”

__You’re going to do the forcing.__

Argh. Well, at least I might be able to inflict some pain if he got stubborn. I’ll find a bright side to this situation, even if I have to cause an explosion to get a light! “Will you shut up?!” I yelled at my teammate-to-be. I got my make-shift crow bar into a crack at that moment, and my pulling resulted in him turning partially.

Enough for him to see me. “Tehehehehehe. Not good.”

“No,” I agreed. “Not good. For either of us.” I yanked on the bar while he thought that over and chuckled nervously, and Tarantulas’ head popped free.

In fact, he dropped straight down…and landed on his feet. Literally. I started laughing, for once in complete agreement with my resident spook, who was almost hysterical with amusement. The sight of the spider with just his head and feet was hilarious!

Tarantulas glared up at me. “Should I thank you or kill you?” he asked sharply. “What did you mean about this not being good for either of us?” I only laughed harder, and his visor narrowed with fury. Then he twitched one of his feet. “Hey! All my wires are connected!”

I blinked as he waddled in a circle. “That’s impossible! How did—nevermind.” I stared at nothing. “The Matrix, right?”

__Plot convenience, actually.__

“WHAT?!”

__Right. The Matrix did it to, uh, help you.__ Dinobot was having trouble getting the words out between snickers, and I had to admit that the image of a duck he put in my mind WAS remarkably similar to how Tarantulas looked as he walked…

“Who are you talking to?!” the spider demanded. Somebody patted me on the arm right then, and Tarantulas shifted his glare to the woman standing by my side. I moved away from her, but she only sidled closer. “Who’s she?! What’s going on?!”

I gave it some thought, shrugged, and said, “I’m talking to the voice in my head, this waste of life is Marisa, and we’re supposed to save the universe.”

I’ve never seen Tarantulas completely speechless before.

“I made you a cape!” Marisa said before the spider could come up with anything to say. She bounced towards him, and he couldn’t waddle away fast enough to escape her. “We’re, like, totally super heroes, and we’ve got to get with it, ya know?” she chattered at him as she fastened a square of red spandex to him, ignoring his squirming and demands to be put down. “See, I was, like, sitting in my room wishing that I could be a comic-book heroine when this weirdo lady TOTALLY abducted me and—“

I leaned against the nearest wall and tuned Marisa’s explanation out as I watched Tarantulas finally get away from her and try his best to get his ‘cape’ off without hands. It wasn’t working. It was, however, extremely funny, and it only reaffirmed my belief that robots shouldn’t wear spandex.

__We’re running out of time!__ Dinobot announced. __We have one last stop to make before your last teammate arrives. Let’s go, people! It’s time to work for the Matrix!__

Personally, I’d rather be unemployed.

Coming Soon!! (only if I get feedback—I’m too lazy to write it if nobody cares) Reluctant Heroes: Bring On The Spandex. Rampage gets (more) spiritual guidance, finds his last teammate, and is finally told what the Universal Threat is!…or maybe he’s just sent out to do something without knowing why. Will script format make a comeback? Will the universe be destroyed? Will Rampage finally figure out how to get rid of Dinobot?!

Back to Lady D. Fanfiction Index