Title: "The Fact or the Phantom"
Author: Emony (ro_laren@my-deja.com)
Series: DS9 (at least six months after the events of "What You Leave Behind")
Rating: NC-17 (explicit sexual content)
Characters: B, Ez, Jadzia
Summary: As Julian and Ezri approach their wedding, Julian is haunted by dreams of the past and doubts about the future.
*Disclaimer: The characters and settings contained herein are the property of Paramount. The author does not intend to infringe, only to pay tribute. No profit will be made by posting this story.
*This story contains explicit sexual content and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.
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Julian looked up at Jadzia, who was collapsed on his chest, panting. He stroked her soft hair, now slightly damp, and gently kissed her shoulder. She rolled off him, laying in the bed with her arm around him, smiling up at him with her crystal blue eyes. "I love you, Julian," she whispered, before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep. He kissed her forehead, then slept as well.
* * *
"The time is now 5:00 hours."
Julian groaned, then rolled over and put his pillow over his head. The dream was already beginning to fade, and he at once missed it and wished it was already forgotten. This dream had been haunting him for months now, ever since he and Ezri were engaged to be married.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," Ezri said, pulling the pillow off and smiling, "You're needed in surgery in half an hour." She jumped out of bed, pulling the sheet away with her as she headed for the bathroom. "I'll only be a minute," she called back, then disappeared.
Julian yawned, stretched, then sat up on the edge of the bed. He always woke up tired after his dreams of Jadzia, exhausted, really. He'd been devastated when she died, more than he let it show. He'd been in love with her, after all, even when she married Worf and he'd wished them well. He'd always held onto the tiny hope that she was really in love with him, and she simply hadn't realized it yet. When she died he lost that as well, and it crushed him.
Then Ezri came. She was beautiful; not like Jadzia, but in her own way. Ezri lit up a room when she walked into it, her constant optimism was contagious. She was young, a little naive, but deeply passionate as Julian had discovered. And somewhere inside her, Jadzia was still alive.
Julian never tried to fool himself about that part of his attraction to Ezri. He loved her, that he was sure of. But at the same time, he was able to love Jadzia, through her, as he'd always longed to. Ezri was his second chance.
When he proposed to Ezri, he used the lines he'd rehearsed over and over in his mind. And when she threw her arms around him and showered him with kisses, that was the response he'd never dared to dream of.
Now, as the wedding approached, Julian was having doubts. He was happy with Ezri, but he'd never been able to entirely rule out the possibility that he was in love with her simply because she was Dax, not because she was Ezri. There were questions he wanted to ask of her, things he knew would make her doubt the relationship as well, things he didn't know if he really wanted to hear the answers to. Had Jadzia ever had feelings for him? Why wouldn't she give him a chance? Did she even know he loved her?
They didn't speak often about Jadzia. It had caused problems between Ezri and Worf before, and Julian knew she didn't want those problems to occur again. Ezri must have known about his feelings for Jadzia, but she never mentioned this. Perhaps she was simply trying to head off a potential threat to the relationship. Julian, too, did not want to push her.
But now they were getting married. He would have to live with those questions for the rest of his life. Eventually, he knew, he would have to either confront the issue or make his peace with it on his own. That is what he wanted to do, but these dreams were making it impossible.
His thoughts were interrupted when Ezri emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a lovely pale blue suit that shimmered in the light. She was looking at him with concern, and Julian wondered if his distress was showing. "Julian, have you been sleeping alright? You look so tired lately," she said, sitting next to him and stroking his bed-messy hair.
He smiled and chuckled slightly, "I'm fine, Zee, I just need to get back into my exercise routine. I've been getting lazy, and now I feel sluggish."
"Are you sure that's what it is? You've been working so many double shifts, I think the stress might be getting to you."
He suddenly leapt onto her, growling playfully and pinning her down on the bed. "Why do you ask, darling? Have I been _lacking_ at all?" he said devilishly. She laughed and pushed him away.
"No," she said, "I don't suppose you have. Maybe I was seeing things." She kissed him lightly, then pushed him off her. "You have to get going. You're going to be late, and I don't want to be held responsible." She got up and headed for the door. "I'm going to the Replimat for breakfast. My shift doesn't start for six hours, so I might go and check out one of Quark's new holosuites. Love you!" she called as the door closed behind her.
Feeling better, Julian headed for the sonic shower. He only had 15 minutes left before he was needed in surgery.
* * *
When he stepped into the bedroom, Jadzia was waiting. She looked exquisite, her pale pink silk nightgown draped over her curves in the most alluring way; her long, shining hair splayed over her shoulder. She patted the bed next to her, beckoning him to join her. He grinned and began to remove his uniform. When it was reduced to a pile of cloth at his feet, he crawled onto the bed, then onto her.
She kissed his throat lightly as he ran his hand over her breasts, flicking at her nipples through the thin material of her gown. With a swift motion he had it pulled over her head, and lying on the floor. Jadzia was gloriously naked, her creamy skin almost glowing in the dim light of his bedroom. His hands returned to her breasts, manipulating her hardening nipples, a few shades lighter than the brown of her spots, while reveling in the feeling of her warm, soft flesh. She arched her back to meet him, wrapping her arms around his back and then running her fingertips playfully up his spine. He shivered, then enveloped her mouth in a passionate, feverish kiss.
Her hips were rocking against him, teasing the end of his hard member with her hot, moist labia. Julian continued to kiss her: her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids, her neck, her earlobes. She was whimpering with anticipation by the time he entered her, slowly, then held there for a moment. He wanted this union to last forever. Finally, after the eternity of a few heartbeats, he began to move slowly, deeply, into her, moving back and forth in deliberate strokes. Her hips rose to meet him, and she moved in rhythm with his rocking. He gasped as she tightened around him, and he knew she was nearing climax already.
Julian responded by moving faster, thrusting deeply with his arms wrapped around her tightly. She moaned in broken cries as the tension built, then froze, paralyzed, as it finally released. He pressed her against his chest for a moment, and kissed her tenderly. Jadzia smiled, her eyes slightly glazed over.
After a moment, Julian let go of her long enough to lay her back down onto the bed. He began his movements again, his own climax now building. He smothered her with kisses as he came deep inside her, groaning, then taking her into his arms once more for a passionate embrace. When the exhaustion was too much for him, he gently let go of her and laid back onto the bed. She rested her head on his chest, his heart still pounding. "I love you," she whispered, before falling into a pleasant sleep.
"I love you too, Jadzia, more than you'll ever know."
* * *
"The time is now 5:00 hours."
"Ezri," Julian mumbled, irritated, "why is the alarm going off? Neither of us have to work today."
"I'm sorry, hon, I forgot to turn it off," she yawned. "You kept me pretty distracted last night."
Julian chuckled half-heartedly. "I suppose I'll forgive you, this time. Don't let it happen again, Lieutenant." He rolled over again, settling into his pillow, hoping the dream wouldn't return when he went back to sleep.
Ezri had other ideas. Just as he was fading out of consciousness, her hand crept slowly up his back, over his arm, and down his chest. He tried to flick it away, but Ezri persisted. When he growled and pulled the blanket over his head, she giggled. "You're not usually this cranky in the morning, hon," she said.
Julian looked up. "I'm not usually up at 5:00 in the morning when I don't have to work," he replied.
Ezri frowned. "I just thought that, since we're awake, we might want to take advantage of the extra time, that's all."
"Well, I'm not in the mood!" Julian snapped, then softened when he saw the alarmed look on her face. "I'm sorry, Zee, I'm just very tired."
"I don't think that's it, Julian," Ezri said, sitting up and putting her hand on his arm. "Something's bothering you, and I don't think it's because you're ‘just a little tired lately.' You toss and turn in your sleep, you wake up exhausted every morning, and . . ."
"And what, Ezri?"
"Well . . . you seem so . . . distracted . . . when we're making love. Like there's someplace else you'd rather be." She looked away as she said this last part, and Julian realized it was time to tell her the truth. He sat up and put his arms around her.
"I'm sorry, darling, I know I haven't been myself. There is something bothering me, but I've been afraid to tell you about it."
"I'm a counselor, Julian, there's nothing I haven't heard before. Besides, I love you, and nothing you say will upset me." She looked so innocent then, so trusting as she reached out to try and help him. He regretted what he was about to say.
"I'm not so sure about that. It's about these dreams I've been having, and doubts, and,"
Ezri interrupted him, "And it's about Jadzia, isn't it?"
Julian was surprised. "Well . . . yes. I didn't think you knew."
"I know you loved her. She knew you loved her. I just never wanted to bring it up because . . . because I was worried that I was just a replacement."
Julian was shocked. All this time, Ezri had been worrying about the exact things he was thinking now. He felt terrible, and wished he could comfort her somehow, tell her it wasn't true. But he wasn't sure of that himself anymore. "It's hard for me, Ezri. I'm trying to love you, trying to forget about Jadzia altogether. But when I look into your eyes, I know part of her is looking back at me. And I can't help but wonder if it's that part I'm really in love with."
Ezri was looking down, seemingly preoccupied with a loose thread on the blanket. Julian knew he was hurting her, and he was sorry, but Jadzia was haunting him and he knew that the relationship could go no further until the air was cleared. Still looking down, Ezri said softly, "If it hadn't been Worf, it would have been you."
"What do you mean? Zee, if you don't want to talk about this, I . . ."
She sighed. "No, Julian, this has to be said. Jadzia did love you, just not enough to risk your friendship. She didn't think you were right for her, she wanted something more . . . dangerous. She was beginning to reconsider, when . . ."
"When Worf arrived." He didn't know what to think. All that time spent wondering, and now he knew. If Worf hadn't come to the station, he and Jadzia might have been together. He had always tried not to be angry with Worf, but now that he knew the truth about Jadzia's feelings, that was impossible.
Ezri looked at him, expressionless. "There it is. If it hadn't been for Worf, I might not have even been here. Jadzia might still be alive. But Julian," she said, a tear now tracing a slow path down her cheek, "I chose you over Worf. Not Jadzia. I love you the way she never did. That has to mean something, doesn't it?"
Of course it did. But what? Julian simply didn't know. "Ezri, I'm sorry, I wish we hadn't brought this up . . . I need some time to think about this."
Ezri got up. "That's fine, I have some things I want to do anyway. But when I come back, we have to finish this." She went into the bathroom, and Julian heard the shower running. Ten minutes later, she was dressed and leaving. "Julian, I love you," she said, and kissed him gently on the forehead. "I hope you realize that." Then she was gone, and Julian was left alone with his thoughts.
* To be continued in "All That's Left Standing"
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*As always, feedback is much desired and appreciated.